Star Trek: Into Beigeness

The Crank

Phoenix, AZ—After meeting Mick and entourage at a pool party on the surface of the sun, we decided to go see the new Star Trek movie the next day, en masse. As my lovely bride and I waited outside the theater the next morning, it was then I remembered that Micko doesn’t really do mornings, per se. He is more of a crack-of-nooner, as it were.

What to my surprise should appear but a bearded Mick and entourage, all bright-eyed and, well bright-eyed was enough… We got our tickets, our obligatory 55 gallon drum of soda and pail of popcorn, paid a small fortune, cursed, and went inside.

PopKAAAAAHRN!!!! Sorry. Spoiler alert.

I have to say this up front. I am a fan of the stupid original series, in all its stupid stupidity—moronic story lines and all. Gene Rodenberry was not a genius foreteller of the future. I will get much heat for this, but here it goes:

Gene Rodenberry was a chain-smoking ex-cop who had one great idea at the absolute right time, and milked it for all it was worth, never passing up a strange piece of ass in the process, even though he managed to stay somewhat happily married.

I also want you all to know this, I am a big fan of New Zealand’s Karl Urban, back to his Hercules and Xena guest rolls. I also feel he is good as Bones, but a bit of a waste. He is reduced in this film to repeating all the same old cliché lines that were badly written for Deforest Isonfire. If you want to see Karl being, well, Karl, see the remake of Judge Dredd. Blows Stallone away. He makes Stallone an Expendable… What? Too Over the Top?

It seems as though Simon Pegg got a better contract. He has more lines and slightly more meaningful ones. He just needs to put on a few pounds. And he is WAY too happy to be a real Scotsman. We all know they threw Craig Ferguson out of Scotland for being jolly.

Jon Cho’s Sulu is like Bones, almost invisible. Apparently, in the Star Trek world, it pays to have breasts. Zoe Saldana as Uhura was great. She gave the original character much more depth. And her “affair” with Spock is somehow totally believable.

I do feel as though they hit the mark with Chris Pine and Zak Quinto. They ARE Kirk and Spock, only more realistic.

Micko says that he thought some of the old back and forth banter was “corny”. I disagree (surprise). I feel a little corny is what the original was all about, and I feel omitting all the corny would have hurt the movie. Trekkers of the Corn?

See? Totally necessary.

These lines are also somewhat better written than Bones’ or Sulu’s. Mick and I do agree that some of the special effects were awe inspiring. All that being said, I want to know why they fucked with the final scenes. I will not spoil it for those who have not yet seen it, but boy do they fuck with one of the most memorable scenes in Star Trek History. Now go see it.

Crank Long and Popcorn.

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