Next Stimulus Check Must Be Exchanged For Smaller, Less Suspicious Amounts Or Cashed In At Local Casino

Tweet Tower—The President is pleased to announce the next round of stimulus checks have passed Congress and most Americans are eligible for this phase of the pandemic bailouts. However, Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin warned the press today the latest stimulus package comes with some set stipulations. “Anyone receiving the funds must do one of three things,” said Mnuchin. “You can either turn the check into smaller amounts through a number of legal transactions, cover up the money via creative bookkeeping, or turn the check in for chips at any participating casino or Trump property.”

Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said, “I don’t know what to say anymore. What casinos are participating, I guess? Wait, is it too late to make a ‘chips are down’ joke?”

President Trump responded to critics today in an executive tweet, “Look, I’m giving you good, legal tender. And who doesn’t like legal and tender? #MissYaJeff.”

[I got your stimulus package right here joke deemed inappropriate for most viewers.]

 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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