Scandals: No One Expects the Outlandish Inquisition!

Mick Zano

I love the Republican version of a scandal. “When did Obama know Benghazi was a terrorist attack not an extremist attack? Obama’s phrasing is misleading, edited, and those two words are arguably not even synonyms! Throw the book at him…yeah, the Thesaurus! Aim for the groin!” I remember the good old days when scandals involved tens of thousands of people dying over presidential lies. Ahh, memories. These days the GOP just plays some dubious game of pin the fail on the donkey.

Here’s the three biggest Obama “scandals” broken down for you into tiny vitamin-fortified chunks of pseudo-journalism. Yes, my pseudo-journalism is light years better than anything the Right has to offer, sadly.

#1: Benghazi (not to be confused with Ben Gazzara, or Buckeroo Banzai, or anything meaningful)

Wow. Researching this sucked. What a joke…a joke without a punch line. Since I’ve given up watching Fox News, I think the GOP has spent many a late night devising devious ways to lure me back into their dark, pathetic world. Here are my conclusions:

Blogging sucks! I’m going back to my first love, midget porn. I love those little guys. Anyway, the Republicans couldn’t make a scandal over the lead up to the Benghazi embassy attack because, umm, they’re the ones who denied the requested security funds. Oops. And that’s a shame, because it’s the only place a small scandal might reside. As for the post Benghazi scandal, umm, I couldn’t find one. I only found scandals of mass distraction.

The post embassy attack argument involves the wording of the Administration’s press statement. The jokes around the internet lead one to believe Obama ignored all kinds of stuff and then four people died. Umm, this timeline of “misinformation” occurred AFTER EVERYONE DIED. Your joke’s time line is the only joke. This “scandal” is about how we referred to the attackers after the fact and why. Hey, let’s call them Smurf Tacklers. Our embassy was once again assailed by those fucking, towel-headed Smurf Tacklers. Is that going to bring back the dead? Was it “extremists” or “terrorists? Whaa? I would hate to be killed by terrorists, but extremists will be extremists…forgive and forget, right? What could possibly be Obama’s motive behind a cover up?

Prior to the election, 18 minutes of tape was recovered, wherein you can clearly hear President Obama saying to Vice President Joe Biden, “Umm, when Americans die by terrorists it’s an embarrassment and we could lose the election, so let’s call the attackers extremists… heck, those extremists kill our ambassadors all the time, the little rascals. Say, have you heard about midget porn, Joe?”

The Right is calling this Ben Gazzara-gate. Damnit, now I’m doing it! Meanwhile, Obama himself did call the attacks an act of terror…the next day. Proceed Governor. So these assholes used the video-triggered-riots as cover. These “terrorists” not “extremists” didn’t, as the Administration explained, “spontaneously” attack but “opportunistically” attacked the embassy. That’s the whole scandal, brought to you in both regular and HD.

Sooooo, the GOP’s next Watergate involves extremism vs. terrorism and spontaneously vs. opportunistically. I think Obama should step down, right now; his administration obviously has no idea how to use adverbs effectively.

So, of course, the attacks were linked to the dozens of other embassies overrun on the same day. If the GOP can’t connect those dots, we’re going to need some bigger dots. That is why the attack fell right on movie-trailer night. They used the riots as an excuse…you know, to do the old fake yawn and reach around thing. You think this just happened at the precise moment all of those other embassies burst into flames? Damn Smurf Tacklers! To figure out the odds of this being a coincidence even Mr. Spock would have to whip out his abacus (they use those in the future—to count the extraordinarily high number of real Republican scandals). Amidst the initial reports, it made perfect sense to say there was some link, even if Petraeus immediately suspected—operative word suspected—a more coordinated terrorist attack was behind this.

What are you people smoking? I can understand if you all lived in Denver or Seattle. Why don’t I understand your scandals? Or any of your other points for that matter. The only way any of these Fox News talking points will make it into the history books is under the heading: Would You Get A Load Of What These People Thought?! That’s going to be the only historical chapter any of you will even remotely recognize. For the rest of the book you’ll be going, but that’s not what happened, but that’s not what happened. Umm, sorry, that is what happened. The rest of us are stuck here dealing with something called reality. You should try it some time.

Every time I have to read about this right wing bullshit, research this bullshit, write about this bull shit, I find out it’s nothing but lumps of male cattle manure, aka, bullshit!! I think the GOP needs to pay me for every hour I waste on their…whatever the hell this is supposed to be. Could you imagine if Bush was a Democrat? His corpse would still be in Wyoming, dangling from Teddy Roosevelt’s chin.

This was a terrible tragedy and it happened because one man and three Navy Seals worked in Libya, right after a war, during a vacuum of power. They had dangerous jobs in a dangerous region of the world. You know what’s a real scandal? When nearly 3,000 Americans died in our own country, while our President kept reading My Pet Goat. That’s a slightly larger intelligence failure, no? But in Bush’s defense that’s a really good book.

I’m sure there are lessons to be learned from this, but here’s a lesson no one’s talking about—a shirtless FBI agent was able to check the CIA director’s email and bust him for having an affair. Can you say “the Patriot Act broke shit”? I knew you could. Hey, there’s a real scandal. Imagine that…hidden right in a pile of your own bullshit emerges a real scandal…er, a Republican one.

If the wording does matter in the press release, it’s because they were tracking this terrorist cell and had real work to do. Here’s a likely Petraeus hearing excerpt, “Uh, we we’re tracking that terrorist cell and changed the language accordingly and, yeah, she’s a nice piece of ass so I tapped that shit,” and, “Yeah, we thought about calling them Smurf Tacklers, but Zano blew that one, which is the outing of an important bad guy designation…which is almost as bad as misusing adverbs.”

Well, I’m sure it will go down something like that. You know how this is going to end, right? Obama will find those responsible, as he tends to do, and then someone in the intelligence community will come forward and say we changed the language as not to tip them off. Of course, Romney would have said everything to keep the Foxeteers “informed” and, in his frustration, after failing to bring those responsible to justice, he would eventually have bombed our own embassy in Jordan. That’s called the Republican model (masterbait and switch?).

Let the intelligence people do their intelligence! You know what doesn’t have the word intelligence in it? The GOP. This isn’t about embassy security and never was:

“That’s not the debate the current GOP wants to have. Because they are not actually interested in government so much as in politics. And rather than figure out why they have strayed so far from sanity, and lost the support of an entire generation, they wallow in paranoia and conspiracy.”

Andrew Sullivan

This is part of the ongoing, never ending witch hunt that I like to call Pin the Fail on the Donkey. On the Zano scandal scale of 1 to 10, let’s call this a 0. It’s a nice round number. Hey, but when actual facts emerge, like perhaps a few more misplaced adverbs, this might rise to the level of a 1! Wow. Touché witch hunters. Remember, 427 Bush scandals are higher than that, but who’s counting? No really, I don’t think they can even count anymore. Have you seen their economic policies?

Yeah, they suck. And they need to go away now, so people can cover something called news. Yeah, that would be swell.

#2: The Fast and the Furious (not to be confused with the movie, or a real scandal)

For those not familiar with this scandal, watch Fox News. They will be happy to explain it to you during each and every single news cycle….well, when they’re not covering Ben Gazzara-gate. Damnit! Republicans have two choices on this one:

  1. People don’t kill people, guns do. This is a switch from their usual rhetoric. A drug dealer shot a border patrol agent, so if the gun itself is the issue, then it stands to reason guns kill people. So every right wing person across the country must turn their guns in to the Obama Administration for processing. Hey, I hear you can get food stamps for them in one important fictional program. Sooo, you’re saying this dirt bag would not have found some other weapon? Hey, when U.S. guns are not available smugglers tend to use rocks, paper, or scissors when crossing the border. Hey, don’t laugh, paper cuts suck…and such mules are sometimes known to run with those scissors. Gasp.
  2. Oh, you don’t like that one? Here’s your other option. A douche bag drug dealer shot a border patrol agent and there’s no scandal. Sorry, you must choose. You can’t just keep bending logic into an f-ing pretzel. Granted, this program was really ill-conceived, but guess who conceived it? The Bush Administration. Obama was in office only six months when a continuation of a Bush gun-running program went awry. I think those first six months Obama was focused on the gazillions of jobs lost every minute as well as the utter collapse of our stock market. I could be wrong, but this was probably not even on his radar. Believe me, I wish he had halted all things Bush until they could be reviewed and, for the most part, disbanded…because Bush, if you recall, was a jackass.

So either no scandal, turn in your guns, or blame Bush. Whatever floats your boat. This was a bad program and I think some of the blame lands on the door of the Obama Administration, whether or not he had other priorities, so let’s call it a 2. But remember, 198 Bush scandals ranked higher than that…er, including this one. Let’s give Bush a 4 for inventing and implementing such a program in the first place. Okay, we all know it was probably Cheney.

#3: Solyndra (Solyndra Green it’s for people!)

Sorry, that’s an old joke, but it never gets old for me. In fact, the first soylent green factory did receive stimulus funds. Talk about a real scandal. Check out the Discord coverage here. Sorry, miles ways. Here’s a letter to Mr. Obama regarding Solyndra that explains everything:

Dear Mr. Obama,

I am sending you a stern letter about losing tax payer dollars on the closing of the Solyndra plant. As you know, if we use solar energy fifty-miles of the Mojave Desert could supply enough power for nearly half the country. You need to invest more in solar, sir, it might save our collective asses, but we need to figure out how to get the power to where it’s needed. Moving the stored power is the only thing blocking this incredible opportunity ; the rest of the technology already exists. That’s your moon shot, sir. Make it happen. Invest more in solar and let’s beat China this time!

Sincerely,

A person with a clue.

Solyndra represents a clear ideological divide in this country. One group thinks such a thing as “clean coal” exists and the other group has something called a pre-frontal cortex. However, losing tax payer money on this deal to the tune of $529 million brings this scandal up to a 1.5, which could be rounded up to a 2 in some math classes. More than wind energy, I believe solar is the answer to our future energy independence. You know how you can tell it’s the answer? Republicans are against it. Works every time.

All this bullshit started under Clinton. Our own Mr. Winslow nailed it in his last feature here. They relentlessly went after the Clintons, when the poor guy was doing a relatively good job. You know which president really could have benefited from constant scrutiny? I’ll give you one hint, it rhymes with tush.

Remember Whitewater? Remember they pegged the Clinton’s as organizing a hit on someone? Yeah murder charges…and remember how all of that turned out to be bullshit? Some things never change. But, in the end, a woman and a cigar brought that man down…so someone going down brought him down. Yep, the old—who gives a shit?—banging the intern scandal. We all want to bang the intern, maybe not her specifically, but metaphorically. The Clinton scandals also fell into two main categories, who really cares? and does anyone really fucking care? Who cares who bangs who? But it’s all they ever have. Meanwhile Bush scandals irreparably damaged us all…you know, the ones they still haven’t identified yet.

And, sorry, but I am done reviewing Bush scandals. They are extensive; they damaged the very fabric of our checks and balance as well as our Constitution. Several Bush scandals were impeachable offenses, several others were felonies, and a couple carry the death penalty. That’s not an exaggeration. These were terrible, terrible scandals and, more importantly, they were based on reality! They are scandals we, as a nation, have yet to fully recover from…and may never. The GOP glosses over treasonous, execution-worthy shit and jumps right to blow jobs every mother f*&^ing  time! ARRrrrrgg!

Meanwhile, the Petraeus affair will be prosecuted by a Republican, who ten years from now will be embroiled in his own infidelity scandal. Same as it ever was. I have tried to advise the GOP and the Tea Party and, of course, they didn’t listen. If they had, maybe they wouldn’t be such laughing stocks right now. But I’m done helping. Keep up your BS, elect increasingly dumb candidates, hang your Norquist flag around your necks, and hopefully we’ll purge the last of you in the next mid-terms. Let the party die. Who knows, maybe that could be an opening for the Transcosmetic Party? Maybe then two higher perspectives can duke it out instead of spending all of our time researching phantom scandals and cattle midden. Democratic scandals are footnotes and Republican scandals are felonies. I would be happy to cover a real scandal, but as for Obama’s first term, he hasn’t had any. I am not saying these can’t blossom into scandals, but as for what we know right now, you got half of nutin’. The usual.

Here’s your last hint: this is not an Obama Teflonic issue, this is a GOP moronic issue. I am STILL waiting for them to be right about something. Are they doing this on purpose? If so what is their motive? Are they spontaneously dense or opportunistically dense?

I realize this was too hard hitting and made waaay too much sense for the average Foxeteer’s delicate sensibilities, but I’ve figured out how to immediately restore their baseline. Just stare right into this light. You’ll see a little Fox logo in there and then there will be a bright…

You’ll see a little Fox logo in there and then there will be a bright...

FLASH!

There you go. All purged. Now you can resume your collective trajectory toward the fiscal cliff. Good luck with that.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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