Obamacare Woes Make Me Long for Benghazi Headlines

Mick Zano

Benghazi is truly Obama’s biggest scandal. No shit. On a scale of one to ten, it nearly reaches the scale. After 472 Benghazi headlines all I learned is that republicans are equally culpable. And, yes, headline #473 brought me back to this lousy topic: Did Hillary Clinton’s Globetrotting Ways Contribute to Benghazi Disaster?

In a word, NO. In two words Umm, NO. In haiku form…I don’t do haikus, but if I did it would be 3-lines and 17-syllables of NO. Um, I guess I do do haikus (wait, Editor telling me DO DO is a NO NO). How about in Zano cartoon form?

Globetrotting Hillary

Dear Fox News,

As for Benghazi, none of your hundreds of headlines over the last 16-months have had any relevance whatsoever to the planet Earth or its inhabitants.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. Although, Several Fox Anchors Injured during Latest Benghazi Bombshell was pretty impressive. Oh wait, I’m being told I made that one up.

Their audience wants blood and doesn’t care much about the particulars. And it’s not like they do retractions….ever. I did some digging this week in something called The Google to get to the bottom of this intriguing scandal once and for all.

So let’s go back in time, cue squiggly flashback sequence, and then take it away Mr. Milbank:

“For fiscal 2013, the GOP-controlled House proposed spending $1.934 billion for the State Department’s Worldwide Security Protection program — well below the $2.15 billion requested by the Obama administration. House Republicans cut the administration’s request for embassy security funding by $128 million in fiscal 2011 and $331 million in fiscal 2012.”

Dana Milbank, October 2012.

Then…

“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton warned that Republicans’ proposed cuts to her department would be ‘detrimental to America’s national security’ — a charge Republicans rejected.”

—Dana Milbank, same article.

It didn’t take over a year to get to the truth. It took about ten minutes in a place called the Monte Vista, with a nice IPA resting comfortably to my right.

So let me get this straight, after underfunding said facility, The GOP turned Benghazi into a year-plus-long Obama and Hillary slam session poor embassy security? Really? I knew republicans had blocked funding but I didn’t know the details were so damning. Do the words, what the fuck are you people talking about, ring a bell? It should. I’ve been covering your alternate reality for years now.

Summary Alert:

U.S. Embassies have been attacked on average once every two months for the last twenty years and this trend is likely to continue. Admittedly, this one is different…um, in that The GOP chose to underfund this embassy and then asked an endless chain of bullshit questions about for well over a year…er, while neglecting to ever mention the whole we-totally-chose-to-underfund-that-shit part.

If you have to rate all of Obama’s bullshit scandals, more people did die during this bullshit scandal. No one died during Solyndra or the IRS (which is still not linked to Obama in anyway) and only one person died during Fast and Furious. I think his Porsche hit a tree.

Dear GOP,

More people died during any given Bush scandal during the ten minutes it took Zano to research Benghazi.

Sincerely,

Reality

I agree this was a bad day for the Obama Administration, four people died. But, apparently, tens of thousands of people who died during a Bush lie/war is not a scandal, but five people dying can be broken out into numerous “fun size” scandals. See? Liberals could have made thousands of scandals, but instead chose to remain too fixated on something called facts.

I liked Kevin Drum’s coverage on the now debunked 60-minutes piece in his Yet Another Benghazi Story Falls Apart.

So now that the truth has been revealed—okay, we knew it all along—how about we pin it on those responsible? Here’s the headlines Fox News neglected to mention because they reside in an alternate universe. Will science discover the GOP particle? Is their world comprised of dork matter?

Why Did Republicans Block Embassy Security Funds?

Is Chris Stevens’ Blood on Republican Hands?

Clinton Warned Them! Why Wouldn’t The GOP Listen!

No Spending Cuts Until GOP Explains Benghazi Failure

Did Obama Ignore Bigfoot Benghazi Sightings?

Hint, anything going horribly wrong in our country can probably be attributed to a republican policy. This trick works every time, like magic. The only ones who haven’t figured this out yet…um, I’ll give you one hint.

My first story on Benghazi here. I have learned nothing since that story, well, except the GOP has more culpability. Hint: dangerous parts of the world are dangerous. Deep stuff.

I wanted the investigation too, not as a blame game but keep our embassies safer. The republicans want scandals, so the more who die the better. My joke headlines—the ones that often involve Bigfoot—can’t reach the levels of absurdity that Fox News has reached on this subject.

Here’s some real ones:

One Year Later, Families Have Few Answers on Benghazi Attack

Let me ‘splain: there are terrorists in Libya who hate America and during a vacuum of power the GOP didn’t want to fund the security of such facilities so one was overrun by extremists and everyone died. Does that help?

CBS May Drop Benghazi-Gate Bomb on Team Obama Sunday Night on 60 Minutes

Oh, it was a bomb all right, a career ending bomb. As it turns out that Guy too Full of Shit for even Fox News was, in fact, full of shit.

Fox News: “We Stand By Our Reporting On Benghazi”

…which, besides the above statement, consists of a series of headlines in the guise of questions that have since proven meaningless. The usual.

Cheney: Benghazi ‘one of the worst incidents that I can recall’

I recall differently, sir. (Hint: 9/11/12 would have marked the least deadly/eventful day of the Bush Administration.) Of course math is just another liberal talking point.

Here’s my answer to Cheney:

Is Cheney Lying or Suffering from Alzheimers?

Check out the Daily Banter’s The 13 Benghazi’s That Happened on Bush’s Watch Without a Peep. Back during the Bush years we didn’t have time to cover this shit, we had real scandals to contend with. Maybe next time the republicans are in power, oh that’s right, there’s not going to be a next time—at least if I have anything to blog about it. Meanwhile, here’s the real story: Fox’s Fixation on Benghazi.

Fox is not concerned with the truth, and it shows in their…er, shows. Do you know what Steve Douchey said the morning after CBS aired their eventually debunked Benghazi story? He said something like, “Why has the main stream media only started to cover this now? We’ve known about this for months!” Okay, so you knew a pack of lies to be true and you were covering said lies as truth? Okay. Can that be worked into the logo?

Fox News
Fox News, Lie, Blather, Repeat
Lie, Blather, Repeat

How about this headline:

Doocy Makes Dookie Again

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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