Climate: Keep the Change

Mick Zano

Yes, it’s that time again. It’s the post wonderful time of the year! I keep covering the GOP’s view of climate change because, if it didn’t mean the probable end of mankind, it would be downright hilarious—Discord’s latest video hilarious. You have to hand it to these folks, they aren’t going to fall for any scientific argument. It’s a gutsy move, like cross-dressing at a Tea Party rally. Never again!

If you recall, the last Koch Brother’s funded study backfired in 2011. Even their own hired research minions couldn’t deny the truth any longer. And they never did find the bodies of those researchers. So the small minority still doggedly trying to disprove any change—you know, the folks throwing around more money than Silvio Berlusconi at a bunga bunga party—failed, miserably, and yet that didn’t seem to have any effect on the debate. What can?

BSFN: Bull Shit Fox News
BSFN: Bull Shit Fox News, We Don’t Just Make the Bullshit, We Ignore Any Real Facts Too
We Don’t Just Make the Bullshit,
We Ignore Any Real Facts Too

That’s because it takes decades for republicans to digest any given topic or event, which is way too long when we’re talking about the important issues of our time, like ninja porn.

Keep looking until the naked ninja appears
Keep looking until the naked ninja appears

It’s another normalcy bias moment, or, as the Beatles put it, “Nothing’s going to change their world. Nothing’s going to change their world.”

The recent Live Science headline: Arctic Warmest in at Least 44,000 Years is immediately translated by the Foxeteers as, “My tomatoes got frost last night. Where was the warming when my tomatoes needed it?” The oceans are more acidic than in known Earth history is translated as, “Acid? I thought those hippy libs liked dropping acid?”

They attack the findings of any study that doesn’t jive with their deep-seeded denial and, when that fails, they attack science itself.

The Drudge Report links to every global warming article or study that mentions a pause in the warming. Then, if you actually read the article, you find, “Yeah climate change is still happening, it’s caused by man, and we’re still all screwed, but there’s this pause.” The GOP reads the same article and takes away only one nugget, PAUSE.

Mind the Gap

Science has now identified our deep oceans as temporarily absorbing the extra heat. Full story here. Or maybe reducing emissions and banning those chemicals most harmful to our ozone has had a positive impact. But in the Fox lands…

Pause  =  Not Happening

More accurately:

GOP  =  Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

As my next witness, I call to the floor Captain Mass Extinction and Count Climate Changeula. Speaking of Captains, the GOP makes Captain Ahab seem downright aloof. Call me Darrell Issamael? No? How about, from hell’s heart I blog at thee? I’ll work on that one.

Here’s what pause actually means:

  1. A temporary stop or rest, especially in speech or action: For an antonym see Ted Cruz’s 23-hour imaginary filibuster.
  2. A cessation of activity because of doubt or uncertainty; a momentary hesitation: Like when Shep Smith squints at the teleprompter, winces, and then thinks “Is anyone really going to buy this shit? Where the hell do we find these people?”
  3. Any comparatively brief stop, delay, wait, etc.: for an antonym see the line at the DMV.

And even if it stays this hot we’re in big trouble. If the pause holds, it holds at the hottest 16-years on record. Forgot that part, huh? So we’ll continue to lose glaciers, coastal areas, Eskimos, drink specials, and the world may yet become as unbearable as The Weekly Standard. The pause is simply a convenient truth to keep the GOP blindly supporting our nation’s one percent agenda (which is entirely unfair to all those whole milk products).

I’m afraid this warming trend is likely to resume soon, but the GOP’s inability to process data is likely to go on until the bitter end. We need to err on the side of, er…air. Even if there were only a 10% chance that shit’s changing, why would we gamble with the future habitability of our planet? When you factor in that it’s only 10% it’s not happening, the GOP’s position is truly absurd.

“Earth, what’s the worst that could happen?”

—John Q. Republican

To this I say:

“They call us warmers….you know, birthers with brains.”

—Mick Zano

I have posted this before, but…

The summary of the above chart is essentially this:

If you graduated some high school science class or another, or even if you just watched Bill Nye the Science Guy once—from the kitchen while doing the dishes—umm, you’ve figured out climate change is happening.

Actually this gets translated by the right as: all scientists from all universities, all over the world, are under some Al Gore mind control drug (AGMCD). An Inconvenient truth serum?

More and more people believe the republicans are incapable of any ideological course correction. I am in this camp. In fact, I built this camp. I also built this city on rock-n-roll. I did this in my spare time, when I’m not making ninja porn jokes. But it’s troubling to see an entire faction of our society locked in their seats as their ideological starship spirals into the atmosphere. Of course, in this episode, they don’t think the planet is getting closer, they think it’s some liberal trick to get the GOP to stop mining and drilling on the planet Oilcoalian-IV.

I like Juan Cole’s take:

“Abandoning coal, oil and gas ASAP is the only hope to avert disaster. We could do it if the political will existed. Certainly, all coal plants could be closed down within 10 years, and that with relatively little economic pain. Coal is especially dirty and dangerous.”

Juan Cole (coal?)

Essentially if climatologists predict a 10cm sea level rise by such and such and it only rises 8cm, the GOP goes, “Hah! Wrong, Mister went to school and stuff.” This is part of their famous all-or-none thinking. I never thought science would get this exactly right. We’re talking about ocean currents, continent-sized glaciers, global weather systems, Al Gore…

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

But you know who is never going to get it right? Republicans. Well, if history is any judge.

Obama is addressing climate change and finally starting a proper War on Coal. People need to remember which political party got every important issue of the 21st century wrong. The GOP still denies global warming and defends coal…in 2013…Earth. I do believe in clean coal, I do, I do! Meanwhile, every time a coal plant opens a fairy dies…usually at one of those nearby redneck bars.

That joke is my cue to wrap this shit up. Suffice to say,

“Hey, who needs the EPA during a time of mass extinctions and climate upheaval?”

—John Q. Republican

Aren’t they cute? And by cute I mean certifiable.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.