Philadelphia, PA – During these trying economic times, Chief Executive Officer Pierce Winslow is trying to do everything possible to save the Daily Discord as well as avoid further staff layoffs.
“We have a great staff,” stated Winslow, “just as long as they stay in separate states and lay off the hooch.” Mr. Winslow reflected for a moment, “All right, they suck, but they’re all we got.”
After Mr. Winslow announced his intention to nix the crossword puzzle, a staffer pointed out the Daily Discord does not have a crossword puzzle. Mr. Winslow became enraged. He tipped over the water cooler, declared war on Canada, and shouted something about the Zamboni Gypsies. After Mr. Winslow collected himself, he resolved to correct this oversight by starting a weekly crossword puzzle before implementing his initial plan to discontinue it.