West Yorkshire, ENG-To the delight of spoof news enthusiasts everywhere, the owner of the Segway Co. died in an accident involving a souped-up version of a Segway scooter. On 9/26 an English bobby spotted the 62-year old exec, James Heselden, heading for a makeshift ramp along the River Wharfe.
“I did the whole stop or I’ll say stop again number,” said Police Constable, Nigel Higgins. “but the man seemed intent on jumping the river.”
After the body was pulled from the water, the police found Heselden clad in a skin-tight, spandex body suit sporting the colors of the Union Jack.
“The modifications to the scooter were extensive,” said Higgins. “He added some fuzzy dice, flaming decals, and even an 8-track player.”
Sources indicate Heselden was distraught because of his company’s inability to live up to its mission statement “a scooter in every pot.” A number of locals have since reported strange occurrences in and around the area. A young couple witnessed a similarly clad gentleman making obscene gestures by the river’s edge. Another man claims a phantom scooter “lurking in the shadows” followed him home. And nearly a dozen others have reported hearing the haunting sound of a 50cc two stroke scooter engine puttering into the mists.
“Sometimes in their darkest hour people see what they most want to see,” said Higgins. “Other times it’s just the usual PRAs (Pub Related Anomalies).”
I am sorry the Daily Discord was unable to use the Segway piece as a proper segue into something funnier. It would have done Mr. Heselden’s memory a great service. Unfortunately, my staff is becoming increasingly incompetent. No easy trick when one considers where they started.
Pierce Xavier Winslow, CEO