Why I am Staying in the U.S. and Resolved to Eat Bugs

Mick Zano

Don’t panic!  The noise you are hearing in the background is simply the sound of our social institutions collapsing outright.  Newsflash: America is going to change and change in a big way.  Our politics, our media, our language, our culture are all slipping into a deep dark crevasse (luckily, plenty are now forming on our glaciers to accommodate).  Our money is becoming meaningless, and we have discovered the root of all suffering, besides Oprah.  Another stimulus package?  Are you kidding me?  How many times are they going to hit the economy with those shock paddles before it’s time to shut off the defibrillator?  But, that’s the bad news. As promised, here is some good news:  our politics, our media, our language, and our culture are all slipping into a deep dark crevasse.  How is that the good news, Mick?  Have you seen our politics, our media, our language, and our culture lately?  They make Keith Richards look like Jack LaLane. I say good riddance (to our culture, not to Jack LaLane).  Enough is enough.  I am sick of being lied to (by our media, not by Jack LaLane; he makes a mean juicer).  If I wanted this kind of abuse, I would stay home nights and weekends. The Clear Skies Act gutted forty years of environmental control, the Coalition of the Willing was coerced, and I need a bucket of Dramamine to make it through something called ‘the No Spin Zone’.  And don’t even get me started on the ‘Patriot Act.’ By now our forefathers must be, as the Crank puts it, whirling feverishly in their mausoleums.

What kind of fools do they take us for?  Oh, those worked?!   

Damn, we are stupid.

Well, in the immortal words of Roger Daltrey, “We won’t get fooled again!”

King Obama is only a horse of a different color.  He sucks.  There, I said it.  That was kind of liberating.  I am very proud we elected him as a people.  But Obama is going to start Bushing us from a whole different angle is all.  He hasn’t given back the One Ring.  His policies only look more constitutional.  It’s all smoke and mirrors.  Long live the Banana Republic!  How can he really be working to save the economy if he’s on TV 18 hours a day?  What is this, White House reality television?  We just need a Blue Room web cam.

In the immortal words of Roger Daltrey, “Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.”

And if I have to start agreeing with Sean Hannity on ANYTHING, it’s Carradine time.  If I’m going to go, it’s going to be with my nuts tied in a, well, it’s not going to be anything like that, actually.

But, as promised, some good news: there are things we can do to make this transition more enjoyable.  Screwing comes to mind.  Seriously, we do have more power than we think.  We are the people, after all, or at least the part of the people who can still pull ourselves away from our video games long enough to vote.  Just how long does the pause button on my X-Box last anyway?

 I predicted 9/11 would be the last time we, as a country, would be on the same page.  But that’s America’s problem.  We the People still have our towns.  I moved to one of those recently. A town that I hope might remain a town because it has been around for a couple of hundred years.  It’s survived everything from fires, to Indian attacks, to seventies Shatner horror movies.  OK, the real reason was for the three brewpubs, but, now that I’m here, I have learned a lot (other than about the brewing process). The Native Americans think this area is sacred and, perhaps more importantly, they know where to find all of the edible bugs. 

Did you know that cricket ichor can have equal amounts of protein as certain fortified yogurts?  Bug I digress.  I think a recent blog by Ana Kamentz hits things right on the head:

“The current world recession won’t lift by resuming the path of endless growth and mounting debt.  A profound global reorganization has to take place so that we put a fair value on the natural resources that underlie our unprecedented prosperity.  The leap toward a sustainable economy will be realized when each of us wakes up to the reality that you are the economy, and the economy is you.”

See?  I am not only the people, I am the economy.  I am also the walrus, koo-koo kajoob.  On weekends I’m the pinball wizard.  Hell, I’m Rick James, bitch.  But back to being the economy for a moment. As the economy, I would like to announce that all Happy Hours will be extended to 24 (void where prohibitioned). 

With crisis comes opportunity.  For this next phase of human existence, depending, of course, on just how bad this whole thing gets, we should think twice about nearly half of our current job occupations.  Jobs designed to screw with our fellow man should be eradicated.  Not by a law, but by our own moral code.  Jobs in the lamprey family need to be scrutinized.  Policies that require enough paper to empty an entire deciduous forest need to be nixed.  Death to bureaucracy! If your job is a negative karma carn-evil, it’s time to start job hunting.  No longer should we put these people on pedestals.  They are vampires, sucking the life from our friends and neighbors.  Currently, we hold these people in high esteem.  We call them successful.  Successful at what?  How many old ladies can’t get their medications as their drug reps drive by in Porsches?  I’m not talking about a socialistic redistribution of wealth, that’s Obama’s gig, and hardly integral.  I’m talking about common decency actually taking hold amongst our business practices.  I know, it sounds hard to believe. Heck, it would never be possible unless the current system was collapsing outright. But did I mention that our current system is collapsing outright? Again, here’s where that opportunity comes in.  I mention it here now so that we learn from our mistakes as we restart some of these processes anew.  I use the drug rep example, because the other day four drug reps pulled up to my facility in a limo with a pile of catered food. The driver was polishing the limo in front of our clients who were despondently milling outside of their weekly “so your life sucks” group.  Yes, I ate the food, and, yes, I listened to their spiel, but I couldn’t help but think: there are some advantages to the coming collapse.

Lawyers, real estate agents, bankers, credit card peeps beware! I don’t think next time we should embrace such nonsense.  That’s not saying all people from those professions are evil, but what I am saying is that all people in those profession are evil.  OK, not really, I know some great drug reps.  How else could throw my annual ‘Bucket of Xanies Party?  Thanks Eric!

People often think that I’m pessimistic, and really, it couldn’t be farther from the truth (like Dave Atsals’ articles).  Sure America’s screwed for a while and that will, no doubt, have massive implications for all of us. But materialism is not the only perspective.  Most can’t even comprehend a perspective beyond materialism.  When does a parent ever say to their child “follow your heart, do a job that has personal meaning to you, learn for the sake of learning”?  No one.  It’s not valued (like Dave Atsals’ articles).  All parents look at the bottom line monetarily.  Yet all societal yardsticks are ultimately bullshit and those yardsticks are about to be turned on their heads.  Comfy stuff is nice, but it’s not necessarily why we are here.  This dimensional plane of existence is not designed to operate from our recliners and we may soon be forced out of those recliners if we hope to survive.  Try starting in small ways.  Lob your remote control a little farther each time across the living room rug and then retrieve it.  Rinse, lather, repeat. 

Sure the future is uncertain, but I’m not going to have a breakdown over it.  My stress levels are damn low.  Xanies baby!  Whereas I haven’t exactly prepared for the future from the canned goods/bunker perspective, I have prepared in other ways (Krispy Kremes, check).  Heck, I have enough books around to last me several decades and as long as I don’t break my glasses like Burgess Meredith at the end of the Twilight Zone episode, I’ll get by. 

Recently one of my very anxious clients (oh, wait, now as per the PC police they must be referred to as “consumers”, which, by the way, really pisses off our eating disorder “consumers”). Anyway, great kid, but he’s definitely the neurotic Illuminati-type client, oh wait, consumer.  He is scared shitless of the future.

I told him “look, there’s always been a T-Rex outside the cave, or a group of Huns over the fortress walls.  It’s part of the human condition.  How we respond is the point.  Besides, there’s always the chance the T-Rex will eat all of the Huns (gotta love creationists).”

As Joseph Campbell tells us, the monster fades in the wake of the Hero with a Thousand Faces.  Some will be quite immune to the massive upheavals ahead.  If he’s not already in jail, Pokey McDooris comes to mind.  Tai Chi, meditating, reading, writing poetry, and exploring the inner dimensions of the psyche have little to do with mainstream American culture.  Why he has to do all these activities naked is my complaint.  The Ghetto Shaman also comes to mind with his weekly Mojito Midget Reiki, oh, I can’t…  He should be in jail.  But certain people out there on the fringe are, in some ways, ahead of the rest of us.  I would also like to apply for Advisor to the Integral Warlord and will be submitting my resume.

We need to do what the Discord is doing: think globally, act jokeally. 

Who needs Obama to preach mutual respect and mutual goals when we can practice this in our own towns?  We should go grassroots all the way.  Simplify.  A nationwide Xanax taper wouldn’t hurt either.  Who knows, maybe we’ll even bring back the family dinner.  Who could forget Grandma’s Soylent Green Stuffing?  Less Xanies and more community interconnectedness!  We can work together and develop systems that work on a smaller scale (like Dave’s brain).  Now, if you will excuse me, I have some work to do.  The going rate is 487 crickets for a pint of lager around here.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.