Fox on Both Your Houses: The Green Meanies and Patriotic Pinheads Deciphered

Mick Zano

The argument last week on The View really highlights the psychological pitfalls the major factions of our country face today—namely liberalism and Foxaryanism.  The first affliction has the common side effect of defending the indefensible, and the second, near as I can tell, is some type of Pervasive Voting Disorder (PVD) that strikes the terminally gullible. 

Bill O’Reilly, representing the Fox News constituency, can’t see where lumping in radical Muslims with all Muslims is a terrible idea, especially if you want to win the War on Error. He never apologized for his recent gaffe on The View.  Instead, he said “Most people knew what I was talking about” or some such, and then called those who didn’t understand “pinheads.”  This comes off the heels of one of his colleagues on Fox and Friends, Brian Kilmeade, saying, “Not all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslim.”

How about trying this one on for size, “Not everyone who watches Fox and Friends is a moron, but everyone on Fox and Friends is a moron.”  Hope that helps, Brian. 

They are showing us how they really feel: Muslims are a problem, period.  It’s “us-versus-them” and “all-or-none” thinking—which is fine if your nine-years old, but not so cool if you’re an adult—especially an adult who happens to be the most watched Pinhead in Peoria.  BillO lives and breathes from the shadow side of fundamentalism (blue) and entrepreneurial (orange) perspective.  There is no known cure except moving from selfishness to selflessness, or jumping from the GWB onto the Circle Line (not recommended).  You have to time it just right.

Enters four of the most absurdly liberal (green) people on the planet.  The folks on The View are the perfect fodder for Fox News, and O’Reilly knows it.  He can come on this show and win political points by exposing what Ken Wilber terms the ‘shadow side of green’.  These women are not going to allow anyone to say bad things about anyone, even if those folks deserve to hang by their fingernails.  Flatland—in the Wilber sense, not the Friedman sense of the term—is the disease of viewing ‘all perspective as being equally valid’ and believing everybody gets a trophy.  And, boy, do these girls have a scorching case.  They’re a veritable pinhead heaven for the O’Reilly’s of the world.

The View hosts can barely acknowledge the existence of the truly dangerous factions within Islam.  Here’s where the Fox side of the argument has merit.  Let’s take this Muslim cleric over in Indonesia, Rusli Hasbi, for example.  He recently told the masses attending his morning prayer session, in the world’s most populous Muslim country, that whether or not Reverend Jones burned the Quran, he had already, “Hurt the heart of the Muslim world.” Awwwe.  Let me play the smallest AK-47 with my trigger finger.

He went on to say, “If he’d gone through with it, it would have been tantamount to war…a war that would have rallied Muslims all over the world.”

Let’s throw out mutual goals and mutual respect for a moment (hint: I think I already did with the AK-47 joke).  Many Muslims in the Middle East, Africa, and Indonesia are sickeningly intolerant, misogynistic, and violent (which must make Allah so proud).  Then, in the US of A, one fundamental moron crawls out of the woodwork—someone we have all identified as a fundamental moron—and if this one person does something stupid with one of your sacred texts, you will go to war with ALL of us.  Really?

Our country suffered the horrors of 9/11 and did not wage war on all of Islam.  We merely attempted to bring those responsible to justice by invading the wrong country.  An honest mistake…er, an honest and Oil Rich Mistake (known to the Ghetto Shaman as the sacred ORM).  But even Bush, fundamentalist extraordinaire, went out of his way to say this is a war against a radical few.  On a side note, conservatism is actually de-evolving since Bush—a thought that keeps me up at night.

Here’s the math: if one person from our side is almost as stupid as many of the radical dipshits in Dustville, you will try to kill us all? 

Come here so I can smack you on the back of your turban.  You are sooo going down, Rasbi.  You better watch your ass on Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day!  I believe the Ghetto Shaman has called for your belittling as well.

Suddenly, having a budget that consists of half the world’s defense spending seems to make sense.  This argument would be completely lost on the Viewsters. This is where O’Reilly can exploit them, time and time again.  As I have said, the Green Meanies answer is to “bake brownies for Al-Qaeda.” They also represent the ‘nice police’ ready for a Fairness Doctrine to determine what airs on the radio. Although, I must admit, it’s a tough choice:

My 1st Amendment rights versus having to listen to Rush Limbaugh. Hmmmm.  Let me get back to you.  I don’t like it when Fox makes a valid point, people, so, anyone with less brains than the Bard of Wasilla, please sit the fuck back down (hint: you’re not helping, Whoopi! Why don’t you channel Guinan for a minute, huh? Not only was she insightful, but she could pour a mean Romulan ale).

Unfortunately, we need to imprison or kill most of Al-Qaeda—not all, but most.  It’s a sad fact.  Some can and will move beyond tribalism and become more moderate, if we keep the neocons out of the White House, but many must be brought to justice.  I think a good example of hope is Ibrahim Ahmed Mahmoud al Qosi, also known as Bin Laden’s driver.  He chose to move beyond fundamental thought, but only because Bin Laden was such a lousy tipper. 

“Come on, al Qosi! The grenade launcher isn’t going to walk itself into the cave!” 

People like al Qosi will do more to end this global conflict than a million Dick Cheney’s.  Although, the sight of a million Dick Cheney’s on the battlefield would probably make even a Klingon shit his pants. 

Now, back to the “Fox on both your houses” theme; when I cheered on Ron Paul as he pointed out how the Foxeteer candidates were dangerously stupid back in ‘07…oh wait, that’s right, he’s cool again.  And Fox doesn’t see the inconsistency in championing someone they so recently scorned.  But they’re always right, on the flip or the flop.  They keep telling us this, 24/7, so it must be true.  And the beat goes on… 

Back to Ron Paul: I remember back in ‘07 when he said our own military occupation of the Muslim world was a big part of the problem.  Giuliani and the rest of the terminally-wrong-brigade responded thusly:

REP. RON PAUL, R-TEXAS, GOP PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: They attack us because we’ve been over there, we’ve been bombing Iraq for 10 years. We’ve been in the Middle East. I think Reagan was right. We don’t understand the irrationality of Middle Eastern politics.

RUDY GIULIANI, GOP PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: That’s an extraordinary statement of someone who lived through the attack of Sept. 11, that we invited the attack because we were attacking Iraq. I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before and I’ve heard some pretty absurd explanations for Sept. 11.


The applause you heard were those “patriotic” pinheads, those fighting Foxeteers, those people who rebranded themselves as the Tea Party for the sole purpose, one can only assume, of trying to vote in the next Cleetus “the-slack-jawed” Neocon.  They are a group as oblivious now as they were then.  Giuliani’s city got its ass kicked and he didn’t even read the statement from the guy who did it?  None of them did!  Well, guess what?  Here’s the latest out of the University of Chicago:

Robert Pape out of the University of Chicago has conducted the most intensive study on suicide bombings.  He looked at 2,200 suicide bombing cases and can you guess his conclusion?  The most common root cause of suicide bombing is, yep, military occupation. It was an extraordinary statement, all right. Extraordinary but true.

As I’ve said before, the only thing dumber than a Democrat is a Republican.  How did we get this ridiculous?  It’s not like we’ve defunded education for the last couple of decades.  Oh, well… what party did that again?  Hmmmm. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot, or, in this case, the brain pan.

So what would an integralist do if seated on that fateful View couch last week?  Jump up on the couch and profess his or her undying love for someone?  No, that’s Oprah.  He or she would probably plug The Daily Discord, of course, and their controversial Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day.  OK, maybe not.  But an integralist would not have been offended by O’Reilly’s bigotry; they would simply expose it as racism and continue to dissect that buffoon piece by pinheaded piece.  Now I don’t really believe all patriots are pinheads.  I would need to be functioning from an all-or-none perspective for that, but most of our patriots in the media these days certainly seem to fit the BillO. 

The Crank says I never offer any solutions, well, here’s one:  Pit Fox and Friends and The View hosts against one another in a steel cage death match and be done with it.  Each represents about the lamest aspects of the right and left…not counting our elected officials, of course.  Oh, and maybe we should all go out and egg them too on October 31st.  After all, Halloween isn’t just for radical Muslim’s anymore.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.