Tweet Tower—The Department of Homeland Security in conjunction with the US Postal Service unveiled their plot to both suppress voting in key districts as well as to regain control of our city streets from liberal mobs. Over one hundred thousand confiscated postal boxes have thus far been refitted as weaponized peacekeepers and deployed to liberal cities currently protesting Black Lives Matter. The White House has dubbed this Operation Going Postal and the president is calling it “win win.” In an executive tweet, the president said, “These same postal boxes that lazy people use to vote, and they’re very lazy people, can now disperse those same liberals on those long lines at the polling stations in November.” The president claims to have gotten the idea from an old Dr. Who rerun. Trump said, “I was watching this show and thought to myself, I don’t like the Who, or any doctor at the Who, but I do like those crazy little things trying to kill him. And that’s when it hit me.”
Sure I’ve wondered whether the idiocy part of Donald Trump would save us from his worst authoritarian impulses, but my greater concern was always centered on a society that could elect such a man in the first place and what might spawn from such ideological sewage? Post QAnon’s emergence, one wonders if the Trump base, aka IQanone, might save us from their more terroristic inclinations? After all, this is not your grandfather’s Weather Underground [‘putting on false Ayres’ joke detained by the FBI]. Face it, the fabled ‘Q’ of QAnon is to Bin Laden as the ‘underwear bomber’ is to Muslim terrorism. The mystery MAGA prophet has gotten nothing right to date, from Hillary Clinton’s “imminent arrest” to “the Coronavirus is a hoax,” so he’s a perfect addition to the team. Republicans have made a lifetime of being wrong; it’s second nature to them, so why would their Nostradumbass be any different? Follow your blissful ignorance? The FBI has already classified QAnon as a domestic terrorist group, but if they follow suit with ANTIFA, it’s just politics. Half the country is against fascism and the rest can’t spell fascism. But just how homegrown extremism is this bunch going to get? And who gets elected to the backdrop of these populist delusions? Kidding, Trump stays in power until he dies because the only thing standing between him and some jail bars is AG Barr.
After a long in-depth process, steeped in an esoteric wonkish mysticism, I read my tea leaves, summoned my magic, and tapped into this country’s ever-shifting political scheissgiest for the sole purpose of honing my theories and algorithms to become the very first to endorse the Biden/Harris combo, last May. Fine. I drank a beer and watched about twenty minutes of the first Democratic debate before I looked at my wife and said, “We’re screwed, put Ash vs The Evil Dead back on.” The next day I wrote that ‘dream ticket’ article and never watched another minute of those bullshit Dem-bates *cough*. Fine. Whereas that all happened, upon review I’d written that article a month earlier, based solely on the lengthy list of presidential hopefuls, who must have received their Bezos-shipped participation trophies by now. Thanks for playing. Hey, at least I nixed my first duo: Gillibrand/Hickenlooper. That’s a long bumper sticker.
[The Hardest Button To Button joke removed by the White Stripes]
Nutley, NJ—Beloved Planters’ mascot, Mr. Peanut, is wanted at this hour after a wild rampage through downtown Nutley injured a number of maskless anti-peanut protestors. Investigators now fear that Mr. Peanut did not act alone and the intelligence community is exploring the existence of a number of ‘Planter Cells’ waiting to be spread across the country’s breadbasket. In an executive tweet, the president condemned the attack, “Peanuts could already be in our pantries, our cafeterias, and even in those little bowls at our local bars. But DON”T PANIC!! We’ll arrest them in a Jif! #SkippyTownNutjob.” One witness told The Discord, “They’ve always been nuts, so why didn’t anyone see this coming?”
[‘Stop pulling my legume’ joke removed by the editor.]
My republican friend and blogvesary is on a “strengthen your immunity system” kick, presumably to stay healthy during COVID long enough to vote for the Trumpocalypse. That’s like intentionally fasting on the lead up to a famine. A stronger immunity system is crucial, but it doesn’t replace a competent government and a more comprehensive universal healthcare system. Do you really think Guatemala could join the G7 if they just take their Flintstone chewables? Besides, there’s so much stacked against our kids today, including the bombardment of hundreds of toxins, in utero no less. Babies arrive with so much pollutants all the superfoods in Whole Foods couldn’t put Trumpty Dumpty back together again. Encouraging people to boost their immune system is never a bad idea, but to not understand the series of unfortunate republican-led events contributing to our nation’s health decline is suicidal. What are we going to do with you folks? In 2020 you’ve simply missed too many classes. It’s like walking through the front door of your Quantum Physics class while simultaneously riding out of the backdoor as a wave. Yeah, they’re not gonna get that either.
Nal Hutta—President Trump is very close to striking a deal with the Hutts that will help keep millions of school-age children safely stored in Carbonite units until the current pandemic has ended. The president believes Hutts Storage, Inc represents “a great way to get the economy going again while keeping those namby-pamby liberals happy.” The Hutts, a shell-less species of giant gastropod, are longtime friends of the Trump family. The president told reporters, “They’re good people. Back in the days of the Old Republic, my great grandfather used to smuggle spice with the Hutt Cartel. We can learn a lot about how to handle protestors from what happens to them in Hutt-controlled space. I would like to see ANTIFA try to take down a statue of Jabba. No really, they’re yuuuge and heavy!! You’ll break your back! And for the few of you who still have insurance, that’s a preexisting condition #MedicalBankruptcy.”
For the four of you still following this part of The Discord Spygate saga, welcome to another exciting chapter! Yeah, I’m totally unsupervised here on the ‘Cord, but stay tuned for the thrilling climax when I push my friend and blogvesary off the top floor of the Nakatomi Plaza. First, I’m really happy he’s back! At least part-time. The pays still the same, but I love this guy. Yes, I’m already annoying him. Hang in there, Pokey, because Joe Friday’s coming! Yes, the Friday Report will be following the Durham Report to uncover more Obama wrongdoing in the fiction section of your local Barnes & Ignoble. Same Barr time, same Barr channel. For a recap, my friend doesn’t like how the whole Spygate thing started. Sorry, there’s no skip recap button. I’m working on it. I will admit the litany of FBI screwups on the surveillance of a sitting president, unintentional or otherwise, is stunning. My friend is finally coming around to his main point, namely, how wrongdoing begins and ends with Barack Hussien Obama. Why? Because he thinks there are too many mistakes to be a coincidence. Normally I’d agree, but have you tried to make some transactions lately or do something slightly complicated in what’s left of our country? Things were listing to port for many many years, but throw in some Drumpf and his cronies and—
[Michael Flynn-effect joke commuted, pardoned, and dismissed by the DOJ.]
Happy codependence day! Yes, in 2020 we all have an unhealthy and abusive relationship with our country. While some of us are active enablers of encroaching authoritarianism, still others are trying to call 911 from their Seattle CHOP-zones. Neither makes a ton of sense, but what I want to know is this: how have those among us actively supporting tyrants been awarded a monopoly on patriotism? Is the problem really the folks tearing down monuments or the ones tearing down our institutions? I am patriotic, at least I tend to be when competent people are running our country, but a blind allegiance to any country is not nationalism, it’s dangerous. My friend and blogvesary touted his love of country over this independence weekend on FB, which immediately casts all the progressives in the comment thread as unpatriotic. This is interesting when, at least politically, my friend’s views are like if Neville Chamberlain had his spine and balls removed before being placed on a Soma Quualude IV drip. Supporting the worst president in this country’s history, a man who’s actively flexing his autocratic muscles, is not patriotism. Actively contributing to America’s decline via rallies, Mt. Rushmore, or megachurch gatherings does not represent patriotism in any way shape or forum. And my friend’s message of love is really a cover for an endless rightwing enabling campaign, marked by blind spots, cognitive distortions, biases, and an almost fanatical devotion to the dope.
[Spanish Inquisition joke removed and used as a playbook by the DOJ.]
Tweet Tower—President Trump has changed his position multiple times on whether or not he was briefed on Russian bounties being placed on the heads of US military troops in Afghanistan. Initially, Trump denied ever receiving the intelligence, then he admitted he had but that they were “not read to him out loud.” Yesterday, his story changed yet again to, “I received the briefing, but only read some of the words.” Today the president added, “When they said Bounty I was thinking about the quicker-picker-upper and my AWESOME paper towel chucking in Peurto Rica after Hurricane Maria.” Criticism of the president’s failure to read the intelligence briefing in its entirety prompted the president to address the issue, complete with visual aids, from the oval office. “I change my briefs every day, and I had them labeled so I am always using the right brief for the right day. The rest is a HOAX started by the liberal media!!”
Tweet Tower—Rock legend, Mick Jagger, is being held without bail in the bowels of Tweet Tower and his bandmate, Keith Richards, is wanted for questioning after eluding police by jumping a fence and scaling the side of a six-story building. Amidst a DOJ investigation into the origins surrounding the FBI’s Trump-Russia probe, also known as Crossfire Hurricane, the Rolling Stones were named as Individuals 1-4 for coining that phrase in the early seventies. The President has used this fact to detain the rock legends while crafting an executive order to rob them of the rights to their own songs for upcoming Trump rallies.
The Shoreline—In anticipation of some summer splashing followed by some summer organ-crashing, the Red Cross along with the Coast Gaurd have pooled their resources to open up a special shoreside service for those sickened by coronavirus. Why let a virus wreck your fun this summer? Each offshore floating hospital is equipped with a fully functioning intensive care unit, designed to get you back to your vacation itinerary as fast as possible, or there’s speedy burial-at-sea options for those party poopers among us.
My friend and blogvesary asked me to give his points about Spygate a fairer shake. Sure it’s mostly conspiracy theory scrawled across Glenn Beck’s chalkboard with a pre-sniffed Sharpie, but there is some clear irregularities that can’t be ignored. My friend is reasonable, so over the years he always lays out these red-meat-laden theories and I research them. But this is also why I have such a healthy fear of following him, once again, down the rabid hole. Since they’re typically distractions, I tend to shut them down sooner than traitor. It’s like hearing how the moon landing was faked, then, years later, we go to the moon and there’s a pizza parlor where Hillary is running a child sex ring out of the basement. Yeah, it’s like that… Anything being espoused on Hannity each night seems automatically meritless to me, yet only a Sith deals in absolutes. As for Spygate, why couldn’t the FBI pick an issue, a lie, a white-collar crime, a quid pro quo, a collusive conclusive moment, to make their case? With so much wrongdoing to choose from, how do you not meet the level of a FISA warrant, indefinitely? You had Gotham’s Orange Cheetoh in your crossfire hurricane hairs and you missed. Pokey sent along some questions and some links for review. Two links touched on Obama spying, aka Halper and Misfud, so I worked them into my answers—covertly, of course, without proper FISA permissions. He sent over a Hill link, nice, but here’s a much a better one, here. Why do I have to do your job for you, Poke? His other two sources were The Federalist, uggg, and Wikipedia—which I use too but prefer the Star Wars version, Wookepedia.
“Surveil or surveil not, there is no spy.” —Yoda
Point Pleasant, WV—To the backdrop of throngs of crazed, statue-toppling progressives, the Mothman statue that once stood at the heart of downtown Point Pleasant is no more. Mothman, a known larvae-owner with ties to both Mothra and the BeheMoth, was also despised for his role as a key member of the Light Bulbs Matter movement. The president tweeted today, “I remember when Mothman showed up in West Vagina, followed by Godzilla and that three-headed dragon thing. I know it was a tough time for everyone involved, but there were good cryptids on both sides of those protests.”
Tweet Tower—Why are John Bolton’s revelations from his upcoming book revelations? Who knew a narcissist could act narcissistic by putting his own re-election over the greater good? That’s the flippin’ definition of narcissism! Why are we still surprised by Trump’s actions in 2020? The DSM hasn’t changed that section since flippin’ Freud. Meanwhile, my friend and blogvesary, a man with a Rorschach-with-an-electron-microscope level of commitment to the minutiae, is still ranting about Spygate and he wants widespread liberal prosecutions. What is your endgame, sir? Trump’s rather notorious place in history is sealed and my Trump/Mussolini and Barr/Franco analogies seem less hyperbolic each and every news cycle. We elected a crime-boss president with fascist friends, and like any other modern-day conservative experiment: It.Failed.Miserably—to the point where the dollar itself hangs in the balance. What are you even hoping for, Pokey? That the widespread incompetence plaguing our country, which no doubt reached our intelligence community, has some positive political implications? Maybe there’s a bad cop in there somewhere so the crime boss walks? [Walk Don’t Run joke removed by the Ventures Foundation.] How do you continue to ignore the obvious? When are you going to see what’s actually happening, not the fantasy foxal matter counter-narrative? When will you realize that when people who share your ideology lead it’s akin to a cluster fuck giving birth to a mega-snafu during an F-5 sharknado?
Over Memorial Day weekend I made the mistake of debating members of the family still laboring with the misapprehension that the republican ideology is a thing. For some context, we’ve danced around meaningful discourse for nearly a decade, but for this round I just wanted to convey one final point, namely, we’re past the point of no return for our courts, our constitution, our environment and our economy, so things are about to get much worse for this country on a variety of fronts and, although I love ya’ll, I’m with the North. Or, if you prefer a more schnitzely analogy, I’m with Herr, which was Hindenburg’s 1932 slogan. This is far beyond a covid thing, folks, for those late to the party it’s more of a me-circe-2004-thing. And, yes, I will no longer defend republican thought or even known republican-sympathizers. Yeah, I know the opposite is occurring right now across this country, but I long for the days of a smarter, more progressive fascism. Speaking of which, why is our Attorney General now targeting Latifah anyway? It’s such a confusing world.
Minneapolis, MN–Images of violent protesters not adhering to CDC-guidelines across the country has cast these arsonists and looters in an unnecessarily dark light. In an effort to both continue displaying their animosity toward local police and yet remain safe from COVID, the leaders of this nebulous mob have agreed to burn down only every other structure, a concession they feel is a suitable compromise “to burn and break shit responsibly.“