A Doddering Biden Accidentally Reveals Executive Branch Puppets To Alien Overlords

Washington, DC—Vice President Joe Biden spilled the beans earlier today on a galactic scale. UFOlogists have waited a long time for the government’s full extraterrestrial disclosure. What happened today was both validating and terrifying for UFO enthusiasts across the globe. A reporter from The Daily Discord asked the Vice President, “If our system of checks and balances do fail under Trump, is there any stopping him?” Biden responded, “Look, if Trump screws up bad enough I have no doubt that the Galacian High Council will intervene, with ray guns and shit.”

As I’m Stepping Into The TwiRight Zone

The incoming administration will thrust our nation into one of the darker corners of The TwiRight Zone. The historical two punch resembles bookends: on one side we have 9/11, or more accurately our piss poor reaction to it, and on the other we have President Donald J. Trump. This election hit me harder than 9/11 as The Donald personifies our nation’s ideological, educational and developmental deficiencies. The Underachievables? Post 9/11, we watched W. gut our foreign policy safeguards, suspend habeas corpus, torture some folks, and then created the Orwellianesque NSA and drone program we enjoy today. Thoughtful discretion ruled for the last eight years, but now we are handing these expanded powers to a man child with an even more expanded ego. The Donald aims to finish what Incurious George started, so check please! And balances please! Kidding, those will become harder to find than a water filter in Flint, Michigan under Trump’s new EPA pick. David Frum and others believe our Constitutional firewalls will hold. They are wrong. Trump will rule like a strong man, well, a strong man with a brain-eating bacteria. Trumptofuccus? Somewhere President Samuel Adams is rolling over in his brewery.

Ghosts Of Our Founding Fathers Embark For England

Plymouth, MAMuch to the relief of our Founding Fathers, the ghost of King George III has graciously accepted their spirits back into the bosom of mother England. The group hopes to reach the Cardiff shipyards before the inauguration of Donald J. Trump on January 19th. The group’s initial request for soul citizenship in 2004 was denied, but now the ghost of King George has had a change of heart. The King released a statement today. “Having those sniveling upstarts come crawling back kind of eases the blow of the whole Brexit thing. We’re going to make them haunt the Duchess of York, and that British wanker in charge of the Deepwater Horizon.”

Form Of Political Methane Has Inflated Both The DOW And Trump’s Ego

America is hooked on a feeling. A recent poll suggests more than 60% of our country is optimistic about a future under Trump. How do this many people get dropped on their head as children? I’m talking to you Child Protective Services. Wait, I’m being told they’ve disbanded in lieu of supportive Republican legislation. Stand Your Playground laws? Seriously, how long can this methane-based reality endure? Oh, that’s right, they’re gutting the EPA. Hmmm. What is it going to take to bring these people back from Narnia? The Lying Bitch In The War Room? Somewhere I can hear Bob Marley singing: don’t worry about a thing, ’cause every little thing is going to be alt-right. Am I the only one worried about the coming Trumpocalypse? Whereas it’s true no one is actually pissing in my Cheerios, it’s only because I’m stocking up on the Malt-O-Meal equivalent, Shitty Os or something.

Civilian Drone Crashes Into Trump’s Hair: No Group Has Taken Responsiblity

Tweet Tower—What is being called Trump’s security detail’s first major failure occurred earlier today. A civilian drone flew passed several slot machines, a cocktail waitress, and several Secret Service personnel, before becoming hopelessly lodged in Mr. Trump’s comb-over. The incident occurred in the casino area of the lobby. Mr. Trump is calling the attack “hair raising” and he plans to use an executive order to have the responsible person or persons flown to Las Vegas, tarred and feathered, and then dropped from the top of the Stratosphere Tower. Trump told the Discord, “I think that would be funny. They will lose a lot of feathers on the way down, so it will be bigly amusing.”

NowTrumpRemovesDiscord’sSpaceBar!AreExclamationPointsNext?!

Flagstaff,AZ—Spacebar,thefinalfrontier.OurspacebarhasbeenpermanentlydisabledbyRussianorTrumpianhackers.FYI:theyarethesamethingnow.Granted,itwillbedifficulttofunctionwithoutaspacebar,butwethediscordfeeltheshowmustgoon.CEOofTheDiscord,PierceWinslow,isinnegotiationswiththeincomingTrumpAdminsitrationtoresolvethecurrentfrictionbetweenthetwoentities.Mr.Winslowexplains,”Ifwecan’tgetanywherewiththesepeoplewemightstartusingcommasinsteadofspacesorthewordspace,bolded.(space)see?(space).It(space)could(space)work(space)in(space)a(space)pinch.(space).Thebig?is:willanyonehitreadmoretoday?

Let’s All Keep Our Political Discourse Civil, You Douchebags


There’s still no shortage of election blame, not to mention tons of players, factors and conspiracy theories abound. Who’s fault is it? We have fake news, real news, voter turnout, voter suppression, Comey, Putin, Bernie, Weiner, and even Weiner’s weiner played its part. The perfect reality show. In the end, what matters is this: a Trump presidency is unacceptable to those of us with a Clue. Colonel Mustard in the Pentagon with the Dementia? OK, how about Putin in the Observatory with the computer hacker? You say you want a revolution? Occupy virtual space? Our Constitution and our way of life are taking a shit, so why are we so preoccupied with civility? Let’s all stay calm, cool and collective until the next Civil War? Sounds reasonable. Let’s be clear, staying reasonable is the problem. Step one, the Civility War.

Trump Flexes Muscles: Takes Down Discord For Four Days With Weaponized Tweet!

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Tweet Tower—President-elect Donald Trump, who is no way associated with President-elect Ass-Clown Hitler, has graciously allowed the Discord to continue publication. Mr. Trump did tweet some harsh words about The Discord’s recent handling of his smooth transition into the White House. He told the press earlier today, “Those assholes better step it up after my coronation, or else!“ Apparently, our first amendment rights are now contingent upon delivering fair and balanced fake news. CEO of the Discord, Pierce Winslow, has issued this statement, “Fine. Whatever. Please direct any and all lawsuits or drone strikes toward Zano. I can even provide his whereabouts for no extra charge.”

Ozzy Agrees To Inauguration Gig: “Only If I Can Play ‘Crazy Train’ And ‘War Pigs'”

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Tweet Tower—President-elect Donald Trump has an offer by Ozzy Osbourne to perform at his inauguration ceremony in January. Trump met with Ambassador Osbourne and was reportedly “very impressed” with the scope and breadth of his knowledge of politics and music. The old rocker agreed to the gig, “if and only if” he could follow a specific play list, in a particular order: Paranoid, War Pigs, Crazy Babies, Bark at the Moon and Crazy Train. Ozzy told the Discord today, “I am totally F***ing (???? possibly stoked) about being asked to this thing in January. I hope that the ?????? allows me and mine to rip some ??????, ’cause that’s what it’s really all about in the end.”

Trump’s Intelligence Briefings Available In Large Print, Pop-Up, & Scratch & Sniff

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Tweet Tower—The intelligence community is sparing no expense to find a more suitable method to convey sensitive information to President-elect Ass-Clown Hitler. Although many Americans report a strange comfort in the fact Trump is not reviewing classified material, there remains serious concern that he is woefully unprepared to navigate the political and military fortunes of this nation. Former Defense Secretary Robert Gates said, “At least George W. Bush was willing to have the intelligence briefings read to him over some hot chocolate and cookies. Sure he was napping most of the time, but the intent was there. And he would perk up with a question now and again, like: is Allahak Bar near Kanda Bar? Or, are we out of Reddi-Whip again?”