Washington, DC—The Justice Department has both opened and closed the case on the death of accused sex-trafficker and socialite, Jeffery Epstein. AG William Barr ordered the Inspector General to open the investigation into the circumstances surrounding Epstein’s suspicious death while in federal custody and then finalized the report, in what many are calling an orchestrated effort to end the Justice Department’s inquiry, roughly seventeen minutes later, to coincide with a presidential tweet on the same subject.
Queens, NY—After a heated exchange, the competency and possible criminality of president Trump’s grade school teacher is under scrutiny at this hour. When the retired 87-year-old teacher, Mrs. Magaluso, was questioned as to whether or not she received payment for allowing the current president to graduate elementary school, she clearly dodged the question by changing the subject to her family’s coveted (or covfefe) lasagna recipe. Refusing to let this old fish wriggle off the hook, The Discord’s own Alex Bone pressed Trump’s former teacher further by asking the question: “What did you know, Mrs. Magaluso, and when did you know he didn’t know it?”
Gilroy, CA—Several witnesses describe a morose, heartless throb, who both helped last week’s Garlic Festival shooter enter the park and then partied until dawn, effectively frying our coveted vampire genre *cough*. I’m being told I need to be more specific, because not one but two mass shootings have occurred while this was waiting patiently in The Discord posting queue. Fine! The California one, which occurred before the Dayton/El Paso twofer. See?! It’s not too soon, because lots of other horrible things have happened since I wrote this shit, aka put a stake through it already! This nation is toast and our vampire genre is on borrowed time!
[Undead joke dug back up, decapitated, staked through the heart and then provided with a proper Christian burial.]
The Liberals are simply not up to the task of slaying this Donald Dragon. It’s becoming increasingly apparent they don’t have the required smarts, charisma, historical knowledge, or testicular fortitude to get the job done. If the Dems are Rogue Squadron, it’s like we left the hangar doors closed with the X-wing engines running for too long. In early May I took my shot at what I felt was the best duo to save our democracy. That’s not hyperbole, folks, we are on the edge or ruin. Our state of the union is akin to that moment when Wile E. Coyote no longer has any rock, ledge, or wooden plank between himself and the canyon floor, but gravity hasn’t quite kicked in yet. My so-called “dream ticket” back in May was met with an abundance of scorn and ridicule in comment-thread land. When Politico ran with that same Biden/Harris ticket, about a week later, Kamala responded by calling such a suggestion sexist. Really? Having the ‘rebel scum’ fighting amongst themselves is just what the Empire wants. No one is nominating me for Veep, and offhand I seem a whole lot savvier than you, prosecutor. In related news, police are now permitted to use of the Vader-mind chokehold on minorities. Harris is not the only disappointment; Biden admitted he didn’t even read the Mueller report. I expect that from Republicans, who are opposed to learnin’ stuff in general, but it’s an embarrassment for a leading Democratic contender to admit as much.
[Closing the Hangar doors after the X-wings have gotten out joke removed by editor and sent on a mission to Dagobah]
Minneapolis, MN—Delta pilot, Gabriel Schroeder, is all smiles today. Shortly after being booked by Minneapolis Airport Police for attempting to pilot an aircraft drunk, the 37-year-old found himself surging in national presidential polls. Schroeder was arrested just before take-off at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport after TSA agents became suspicious when the Mad Dog 2020 he was carrying had a worm in it. “He usually only smuggles on worms in tequila for domestic flights,” explained TSA supervisor Pat Downy.
Amidst last night’s edgy debate two clear and separate factions of the Democratic party have emerged. Many feel such heated exchanges are not suitable for all progressives and could emotionally scar viewers and participants alike. Under pressure from the Democratic National Committee, CNN has agreed to alter their format for tonight’s debate to accommodate these concerns. Moving forward if a participant becomes frightened by any mention of a potential segregationist, misogynist, racist, or by someone believed to have seen a Mel Brooks film in a theater, they can take a brief timeout to collect themselves, get some snacks, or even grab a shower. CNN is also working diligently to install real-time ‘cone of silence’ technology that can descend over the heads of those offended in the hopes of blocking out potentially trauma-inducing viewpoints and ideas. Home viewers are encouraged to hover a finger over their volume control or mute buttons.
Liberal-leaning engineers are covertly altering coastal drainage plans to influence which political districts will be most impacted by rising sea levels. Directing our ocean waters into key swing districts through District Drainage Manipulation (DDM) could all but eliminate the unfair voter-redistricting advantage currently enjoyed by Republicans. This important initiative does not have to seek the approval of the Supreme Court, unless we direct some of the seawater into their chambers, of course, ha ha (which is actually part of phase II. Phase III involves some beachfront property that sounds like Bar-a-Blotto). Weaponizing coastal flooding is not a new idea—well, maybe it is—but the concept of District Drainage Manipulation has many left-wingers wondering, “why not make that blue wave happen one way or another?” The pilot is set to occur along the New Jersey shore. Many of today’s music greats are already on-board and are organizing a massive Live Aid-style concert this summer to fund Project Oceanmandering at Seaside Heights, NJ. Rumor has it they have settled on the name Flood The Vote.
In the wake of the news of the recall of some potentially hazardous breast implants, at least one intrepid paraprofessional wannabe is taking action. An anonymous Discord staffer is looking to “get out in front on this one” for the purpose of keeping abreast of the situation. He claims to only want to help those women who may have received the textured, and now recalled, implants. “Since they’re textured it’s reasonable to assume that if I squeeze these puppies long enough, I can identify the dangerous ones. To keep this screening totally scientific I’ll also need a pair of control groups, let’s call them left and right. One control group will be comprised of individuals who believe they received the smooth/safer implants, and a second control group who never had any implants at all but just likes to be fondled.”
Washington—The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) continues to deny any and all rumors suggesting the moon landing was a Hollywood-staged fake. But the aerospace giant is admitting today that there was a huge snafu with Apollo 11’s luggage. Many are blaming the arrival of a number of the crew’s personal items on Mars as a gross miscalculation. Ironically the luggage crash-landed on the red planet almost fifty years to the day of the Apollo’s historic moon landing. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Space Consultation Services, said, “The Apollo Guidance Systems were all functioning well, but our equipment is only as good as the goons loading the luggage onto the booster rocket shortly before takeoff. As for your next question, no, they were not supposed to load anything onto the booster rocket.”
It’s not hard to find a soft spot in your heart for minorities, women, the poor, our LBGTQ population, even our safe-spacing snowflakes, but it’s becoming impossible to stomach the actions and deeds of our rightwing friends, isn’t it? How long can the Republican elite continue to defend Trump’s shenanigans? We have caught glimpses of those mysterious conservative moments of accountability; those times when enough politicians clearly condemn a policy, tweet, or action, but these are rare. Hell, we know more about the ocean floor than we do of the depths to which an average Republican is willing to sink. Where is James Cameron and his Deepsea Challenger when you need him? Mr. Cameron is reaching depths of 2,000 feet and he’s slipping beneath the thermal layer where all the sea creatures use bioluminescence to let each other know where the BBQs are. Then he reaches the rather obnoxious Netanyahu layer before catching his first glimpse of the Ayatollah level, currently under sanctions. He’s now at the soul crushing Jihadist depths where a group of fish are attacking a Starkist cartoonist for his depiction of their tuna god. Another few minutes into the voyage, Mr. Cameron shouts, “I can see it! I can see the top of Trump’s head, and it’s a comb over! Repeat, for God and country, it’s a comb over!!”
Tweet Tower—According to custodial historians, The White House’s septic system has functioned exceptionally well since Howard Taft hosted an ill-fated Roman banquet and treasure bath in the summer of 1912. Over the last two plus years, however, the sheer amount of bullshit, or what pundits are calling Foxal Matter, has surpassed the historic site’s maximum crapacity.
With the shadow of the 2020 election coming over the horizon, like the Death Star over Scarif, I think it’s time to assess our current fearless leader’s performance. Not at a Zano “FOR JEDDAH!” level, but a more empirical one. I will revisit an article I once wrote, or rather the platform spelled out therein: Trump’s promise/wish list back in 2015. Our Commander in Chief made many promises. Let’s take another look at where those promises are at today …FOR JEDDAH!!!!
Washington—After reading the full Mueller report and suggesting impeachment proceedings are warranted, Congressman Justin Amash (R-MI) has clearly displayed, in public, that he can both read and process information, an ability today’s GOP considers: witchcraft, sorcery, alchemy and/or above the dignity of his office. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said, “The last thing this party needs is someone with an IQ at or above that of a turnip. How can I keep my peeps doing all these terrible things if they start to think for themselves? Not going to happen on my watch. Sometimes just a good blow to the head can fix these young upstarts. Not sure what region of the head should be targeted, of course, if I did know I’d have to resign from my post.”
We need comprehensive immigration reform. It’s so bad at our southern border right now that even I wish Trump would appoint a head of Homeland Security. Don’t worry, even though both sides of the aisle can finally agree on the problem, a viable solution is not on the horizon. Certainly some of this surge in migrants is the perception that the U.S. may be on the verge of closing its doors forever …with a wall …equipped with sharks …with friggin’ lasers on their heads. Don’t laugh, that’s the latest executive request that Pelosi is desperately trying to block all funding for. Senior staffers admit that, as a pragmatist, she hates the sharks-in-the-desert thing, but would like to hear more about the lasers-mounted-on-their-heads thing. Mexicans are probably chuckling at Trump’s imaginary wall, but what if Guatemala only gets Fox News? The idea of a thousand mile wall comes with some now-or-never implications. It’s forcing those latitudenally challenged to act now, or risk remaining in their own “shit-hole country” indefinitely. Did Trump’s imaginary wall cause you or a loved one severe emotional distress while attempting to cross the U.S. southern border? Have lasers mounted on sharks injured you or a family member? You may be eligible for a cash reward. That’s it! Let’s cut off their emergency room access and just assign each illegal immigrant a lawyer. Latigation? Amidst this vulture-capitalistic wasteland we now find ourselves, this might be one area we can find some common legal ground.