Studio City, CA—The Hallmark Channel has released a statement apologizing for the airing all seven movies from the Saw franchise on prime time television last Sunday. The network would like to remind its viewers this was a single incident, or seven single incidents (if you want to get technical), but Hallmark wants to reassure its viewers that they plan to remain dedicated to producing really lame family-targeted entertainment. The company has also issued the statement, “The Saw movies do not reflect the principles or values of our network, and so-called torture porn is really not our thing. Honest. You can even check our search histories.”
Tweet Tower—The White House has unveiled a new process designed to increase the country’s reliance on fossil fuels. This technological breakthrough allows conservative-minded factions within the energy sector to both create more oil as well as eliminate all those namby pamby eco-friendly arguments currently protecting certain regions from overt resource raping (ORR). This new approach to oil production is set to easily pass both houses of Congress. Any Democrats who oppose the legislation may end up giving someone else some great gas mileage. Kidding, Congress is also doing away with gas mileage standards, or anything with the word ‘standards’ in it for that matter.
Back around 1840, Horace Greely encouraged pioneers to “go west, young man” with decidedly mixed results. He likely made this proclamation safely from a Greenwich Village pub. In that spirit of spirits, on this the first day of the week, aka Mojito Monday, I’m encouraging a shift progressiveward. Half measures will no longer suffice (see: Obamacare, or Hillary Campaign). Go big, or go Rome. We must run on a more progressive platform. Republicans keep doubling down on their wrongness, so why not double down on our rightness? Novel idea, eh? If you follow political trends, our nation tends to muddle through under liberal-centrists, but struggles mightily under more conservative leadership. So let’s do something completely different! Let’s break away from the indifferent model. We’ve thoroughly vetted the pragmatic political passivity approach, which, like that depressed body builder, stopped working out. Apapathetic?
Tweet Tower—President Trump signed an executive order, today, demanding that former President Barack Obama vacate his head immediately. The White House was originally calling this a series of ‘wire tapping’ incidents, but is now referring to them as ‘voices’ inside the President’s brain. Trump describes these voices as incessant and derogatory. Fine, he said, “They’re constantly saying nasty shit! Very nasty shit, these voices! Bad! Very bad!” In an attempt to drown out Mr. Obama’s unwanted input, the sitting President of the United States has enlisted the aid of NASA. In response to the President’s desperate request, NASA has created a substance to block these liberal transmissions, a presidential-grade Aluminum foil called Reagan Wrap.
Tweet Tower—Despite attacks from the press, President Trump remained focused on the positives today, mainly, how many negatives he has accumulated in such a short period of time. When asked specifically about his promise to have more scandals than Obama in his first 30 days, Trump maintained how his administration is still on an unprecedented scandal pace (USP). “Obama had too many scandals over his eight years to possibly beat in the first month,” said Trump, “Besides, Republicans are also counting all of those scandals that were more like invented controversies. I don’t know what a Benghazi is, do you? I think they have those at that kosher bakery over on 3rd and Main. Despite all of the bullshit, we were very close to topping Obama’s overall numbers. One more week and we should be golden. See, I even have a golden showers scandal already. I did my part. It’s not my fault a few of my appointees haven’t resigned in disgrace yet.”
Tweet Tower—Members of Politifact, FactCheck.org and Snopes are threatening to permanently log-off the job after President Trump announced earlier today that he would be cutting their overtime pay. These pay cuts are designed to help finance both fixing the nation’s infrastructure as well as military equipment designed to obliterate the nation’s infrastructure. “Or at least the infrastructure of our more liberal towns and cities,” clarified Kellyanne Conway. “We can make a seamless transition to much more affordable, alternative-fact checkers. Those folks can lie around the clock for a mere fraction of the cost to the tax payer.”
Pokey is singlehandedly blowing up our comment threads again, which is actually a welcome change from the usual spam. As tradition dictates, most of his comments equate to the old rightwing bait-n-switch. Whether he realizes it or not, the right’s recent social media two-step is an effort to quell the increasing cognitive dissonance and avoid the whole, ‘Oops, we kind of elected a braindead fascist to run the free world.’ What’s the worst that could happen? I’m actually fine with a full collapse, anything to avoid having to binge watch the next season of Netflix’s Gotham. Just throw out your copy of the Constitution, Pokey, your president already has. Kidding, he never had one.
Tweet Tower—Why was the fight-or-flight response triggered in so many of us in November? Some mental health professionals are calling it Post Election Stress Disorder, but I think it’s more of an Acute Trump Response. I admit I’m having a hard time adjusting to the grim realities of a republican super-majority. Once spooked, our sympathetic nervous system floods our body with hormones. And here I was blaming all the IPAs for my man boobs. Say you’re snorkeling and a large dark shape darts passed you. Your body might be on a heightened state of alert for some time, even long after security escorts you out of the aquarium. As for this shark named Trump, all the beer in Milwaukee doesn’t seem to be quelling this heightened state of unease (burp). So to pass the time until the collapse, why not invest in some stocks in the Bro or the Manziere?
Antarctica—Many believe this blurry, badly photoshopped image of former Vice President Al Gore is genuine. He appears to be digging along the edge of a giant fissure currently forming across an ice shelf in Antarctica. The picture, taken by military aircraft, has many asking: is Al Gore the cause of this fissure or is he simply trying to accelerate the impact of climate change for monetary gain? Mr. Gore is not returning our calls, which only lends credence to our theory that he’s way out on the eastern side of the Antarctic Peninsula where cell service is notoriously sketchy.
Tweet Tower—Did you listen to that entire press conference? It was like reading Lord of the Rings backwards. We must get the One Coherent Thought from Mt. Doom back to that pub in the Shire! At this rate by 2020 the GOP can just legislate by scribbling their laws on the walls of a truck stop restroom. Maybe Betsy DeVos can do some in-house Sharpie corrections, or, in this case, outhouse. The rightwing brain trusts are somehow defending this new brand of regal gibberish. “Boy, he really showed them, didn’t he!” Yes. He showed them what a fucking idiot he is. It was like watching a kid with ADD trying to give a lecture on quadratic equations in a strip club. The hodgepodge of tangential falsehoods came at a such dizzying speed that Trump’s lucky he didn’t break the clown barrier. The heads of our poor fact-checkers must have been spinning faster than a pole dancer on an 8-ball. Fine, I’m writing this at a strip club. Sue me …Trump probably will.
Taos, NM—Paleoproctologist, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube is back in the news today. The controversial scholar has announced his intention to create a facility off the coast of South America for the purpose of cloning dinosaur tissue. Dr. Hogbein told the press he plans to “bring taco Tuesday up a notch.” Critics of the proposal are concerned about a Jurassic Park-style incident occurring at the facility. Dr. Hogbein has since downplayed the possibility of this scenario. “What part of cloning ‘just enough dinosaur meat to put in taco’ do you no comprende?” said Dr. Hogbein. “So you think some ground chuckosaursus may end up roaming around my island? Or maybe a pterotacosaur is going to flap over to the mainland to start a taco-breeding population? This is about eating them, people, with shredded cheddar and some salsa.”