Discord Designs Non-evasive ‘Danger Identification Test’ To Determine Political Brain Function

Concern for our Republican friend’s ability to process information is growing throughout the scientific community. This is especially true when it comes to ones ability to identify dangers. Thanks to recent studies using MRI and brain scanning technology, science is getting ever closer to understanding the conservative brain. Too much Fox News viewing can result in an overly-worked and oversized amygdala. This important brain structure helps us identify dangers and is the part of the brain associated with survival instincts. Our perception of danger can become skewed with long term 24/7 news propaganda. A nonstop fear response results in excessive blood flow to this region that over time causes a form of political PTSD. Certain themes can trigger the amygdala shifting our perception from the mundane to the monstrous. This is why Fox-watching is now the fifth F of primal human behavior. Once the reptilian brain is activated many of the higher functions of the frontal lobes are overridden. Sound familiar? This can even happen in a polling booth. Take this simple test to see if your amygdala suffers from Fox Fatigue Syndrome (FFS). These questions get progressively harder and progressively more progressive. If at any point this test becomes too intense, turn on Fox News or your favorite AM radio station and bitch about border security, minorities or millennials before completing this important assessment tool.

Take this test today. You have the right to know!

You Are Right About The Grave Peril Our Country Faces, Zano, But Who’s Really To Blame?

In your last article you wrongly claim that I failed to answer the question about Comey throwing the election. Now, will you acknowledge I did answer the question using James Comey’s own words? He thought the appearance of bias would delegitimize Clinton’s presidency. The motivation for a person to appear unbiased is usually rooted in bias. If Comey thought Trump would have had a chance in the election, he probably would not have done it. He acknowledges that himself and we can see by Comey’s actions since Trump was elected president that he took actions solely for the purpose of derailing the Trump presidency.

Indictable Boy, They All Said

What my blogvesary, Pokey McDooris, fails to understand about the recent FBI ‘scandals’ is how our leaders have, and always will have, a little more leeway than your average Joe. A Hillary Clinton, or anyone of her stature from either political party, will never go down for a few questionable email exchanges. Whereas I cover crimes that warrant a military firing squad, my friend remains ‘laser focused’ on the equivalent of political jaywalking. I don’t want to make light of the mishandling of classified info, but I do want to make light of everything espoused by our rightwing ideologues. Case in point, almost all Republicans believe the deep-state is out for Donald J. Trump’s head, yet none of them can explain why Comey, a man at the heart of this conspiracy, tipped the election the wrong way. Reverse Spookology? No evidence of some deep-state conspiracy will be found, but a long conveyer belt of indictments are heading for team ass-clown. Does WordPress support a surprise-face emoji? …I guess not.

[Winslow: ]

Earliest Known Individually-Wrapped Cheese Discovered In The Tomb Of Tutankraftun Havarti II

Cairo, EG—The earliest-known individually-wrapped cheese slice was discovered during a recent Egyptian cheesecavation on the Giza platter. The newly unearthed tomb of Tutankraftun Havarti II also points to the existence of a ruler named Ahkenckolbyparmen III. This little-known pharaoh was apparently the first to combine parmigiano-reggiano in the same container for widespread distribution throughout the coveted Trans-Asiago Trader Joe’s route. Soon after, parmaceuticals became the scourge of the ancient world.

Top Ten Slogans Rejected By Amazon

Jeff Bezos is currently the second richest man in modern history (just behind C. Montgomery Burns), so his company, Amazon, is obviously doing pretty well. However, since Amazon is always looking to get a hold of more of your hard-earned cash, they are searching for some new-eye grabbing slogans. Here is a list of the ones that died on the editor’s chopping block, but that I managed to get a hold of:

  1. Amazon: you don’t have to need clothes to buy ’em.
  2. New Alexa app spends your whole paycheck for you! 
  3. By 2020 you’re working for us, and by 2021 you’re replaced by a cyborg. 

Is Wayne Enterprises The ‘Silent Partner’ In Musk’s Recent Tesla Gambit?

Gotham—After Elon Musk announced his desire to take Tesla private, many are wondering if he really has the 10-billion in petty cash needed to privatize his company. Musk’s recent celebrity sighting with billionaire Bruce Wayne, CEO of Wayne Enterprises, has stoked rumors Musk has already lit the ‘Bruce Signal’. President Trump is threatening to squash any merger between the two giants based solely on all the Discord’s recent Trump-Gotham crime-boss jokes, which the president called “Fake fake News.” CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow responded, “Fake fake news is real fake news, or my name isn’t Pierce Winslow. And it isn’t.”

The Intelligence Community’s Pro-Hillary And Anti-Trump Bias Began With James Comey

Fine, political bias from our intelligence community probably started earlier than that with John Brennan and James Clapper (under the direction of then President Obama). I have already cited many irregularities on Comey’s part, but let’s stay focused like a laser beam on Comey’s misinterpretation of the law regarding intent: “Although we did not find clear evidence that Secretary Clinton or her colleagues INTENDED to violate laws governing the handling of classified information, there is evidence that they were EXTREMELY CARELESS in their handling of very sensitive highly classified information.” Nowhere in 18 U.S.C 793 (f) of the Espionage Act which governs “grossly negligent” handling of classified information does it state that a defendant must have intended to break the law in order to be charge or found guilty.

Turkey Sold On eBay For 500 ₺

Turkey—Turkey’s President Tayyip Erdogan is reaching out to a 15-year-old young man from Carlstadt, NJ, who just purchased his country on eBay for a measly 500 ₺. Turkey continues to suffer from a major economic collapse, spurred by growing inflation and stifling tariffs. Now the country remains teetering on the brink of a full sophomoric dictatorship. In an address on turkey’s national television today, President Erdogan pleaded with the boy to: “Sell me back my country, you little shit! We can rent to own, or something.”

Buzz Lightyear Gets Nod To Head The U.S. Space Force

Tweet Tower—Soon after the announcement of the creation of a United States Space Force, President Trump revealed his intentions to appoint Pixar giant Buzz Lightyear to head this new branch of the military. Lightyear, a twenty year veteran of animated space exploration, has already expressed his excitement and his desire “to protect this great country from all space threats while our nation’s deficits reach to infinity and beyond!”

Start Asking The Right Questions, Not The Right’s Questions

Just answer the question? I’m done answering these endless distractions in the guise of questions. The questions posed in your last feature, Mr. McDooris, are faulty from the get-go. Your first argument, let’s call it number one, smells more like number two. Yes, I went there, but so did nearly half of America in the 2016 election. Electoral sewage? Oh, and when I point out how 9 out of 10 experts generally don’t agree with the republican assessment of any given situation, it’s only because 9 out of 10 experts generally don’t agree with the republican assessment of any given situation (at least retrospectively, aka, One Step Beyond the Twiright Zone). There’s never any validity to the rightwing’s focus and if validity does exist somewhere it’s some overhyped semi-relevant tidbit. Thus enters Pokey’s focus on Robert Mueller’s bias and his pending recusal from the Russia probe. Heez Nuts? 

Trump Demands Disney Budgets 2% Of Annual Earnings For Defense

Tweet Tower—Following a tone set at the last NATO summit, President Trump is now pressuring the Walt Disney Company to markedly increase its defense spending. The news came after the president was told the company currently sets aside no funds to protecting itself from domestic threats like Time Warner and Universal Studios or foreign threats like Sony and Canada’s Wonderland. The president is no longer willing to defend parts of the Disney compound and thinks it’s time they paid their fair share. The president seems particularly hostile toward Disneyland, which is located in a district he lost to Hillary Clinton in the general election by over 30 points.

Just Answer The Question, Zano!

Mick Zano’s approach to our current Russian investigation debate, if you can call it an approach, is to list nine out of ten unnamed fictitious “experts” from the future who will someday conclude that the FISA warrants were justified. Nice. I don’t have access to his futuristic technologies. My approach is to read the four FISA applications and use reason to clarify my own convictions based on facts. By the way, name one of these legal experts currently willing to stake their reputation on the validity of the FISA warrant. Name one. Remember that old Robert Conrad commercial where he dares you to knock that battery off his shoulder? Yeah, Zano, this is like that…

Kelly Walks Back 2020 Trump Commitment: “I Meant Until The 20/20 That Airs This Monday On ABC”

Tweet Tower—White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly is walking back an earlier statement about his commitment to stay on the job until the end of Trump’s first term. The retired Marine Corp general claims, “When I said I would stay on as Chief of Staff until 2020, I meant the ABC television show 20/20. A common mistake. Last week there was a great show on the Thailand cave rescue and I was thinking about that when the president asked me about staying on, and, well, I’m pretty sure I can stay until the next 20/20, which airs this Monday. I take pills now.”

Republicans Never Have Valid Arguments Which Serves Them Well

After creating diversionary scandals, damaging the republic, and tearing down the western world order, one might wonder how Republicans find the time to compromise their principles. Scandals and flip flops, flip flops and scandals abound. To meet these changes and challenges our conservative friends must reinvent themselves more often than a replicant with OCD. “You can never step into the same Republican party twice, but afterwards you should probably change your shoes.” —Heraclitus

Stanley Kubrick Foundation Releases Lunar Landing Outtake Reel

Hollywood, CA—The Stanley Kubrick Foundation, in conjunction with Disney and NASA, finally released the much anticipated moon landing outtake reel. The images were digitally enhanced and reedited to capture some of the funnier moments and hijinks behind the scenes of the mock lunar landing of the Apollo 11 crew on July 20th 1969. The film is being released next week, but some of the details were leaked to The Daily Discord by the Hal 9000, the AI in charge of the Discovery One in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

The President Announces Trump Tower Crimea Deal!

Tweet Tower—The President was all smiles today upon announcing a joint business venture between The Kremlin and Tweet Tower. The president is denying his recent meeting with Vladimir Putin in Helsinki had anything to do with this historic and controversial real estate deal. When asked the president said, “This topic never came up at the summit. We had lots of other deals, I mean things to talk about. I think we just talked about Russian adoptions …and stuff. It’s all in the notes the Russians took.”

Wreak Havoc And Let Tweet The Dogs Of War! #WagTheDogsOfWar

 

Tweet Tower—Shortly after President Trump’s first inflammatory tweet was directed at Iran’s president, a second tweet attack was launched from deep in the bowels of Tweet Tower (aka, a staffer admits the president was going ‘number two’ at the time). The Defense Department is downplaying their attempt to set up a back channel to Twitter headquarters in an effort to cut off the president’s ability to launch unauthorized tweets of war. Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis said, “That’s preposterous!” He then made the following cryptic statement without explanation: “Omeonesay omfray ittertway allcay emay, ASAP. The very future of Earth aymay ependday onyay it.”

Trump’s Interpreter From Helsinki Summit ‘Falls’ From Building And Lands On Stormy Daniels

Tweet Tower—In a chain of events that many are calling suspicious, Trump’s Helsinki interpreter, Marina Gross, ‘fell’ from an eight story building earlier today and landed on porn star Stormy Daniels. The two women suffered only minor injuries as both of Stormy’s breasts were deployed at the time of impact. The interpreter is now conscious and recovering at Stormybroke Hospital. When the interpreter was asked whether or not she was pushed from the building, she replied, “тебя столкнули со здания?”, which we are being told means: ‘Were you pushed from the building?’ in Russian. The rest of the interview proved to be equally as futile.