A new pill is now on the marked designed to help memory, focus, and general cognitive function. Throw out your ginkoba and that shit made from jellyfish testicles, because there’s a new smart pill in town designed to make you the next Jeopardy champion on your block. Polls suggest that those who took the pill for thirty days straight saw a huge improvement in our view of them as people. It is also believed to markedly improve attention to detail and improve attention to detail. Most our customers have gone on to become quantum physicists, win the Nobel Peace prize, or win the Nobel Peace Prize in quantum physics while winning Jeopardy. The price tag for a mega-improved brain is not cheap and, due to dosage concerns, it’s out of reach for most Republican households.
Immigration reform is a problem that deserves a solution and one that keeps us safe and reflects our values at our border towns, brothels, and beyond—not to mention those bathroom stores. Here’s where I agree with my friend and blogvesary: a liberal plan for border security is empty if Dems aren’t serious about comprehensive immigration reform. Some of their hesitancy is, no doubt, tied to a lack of political will for fear of alienating voters. And this is where our agreement begins and ends. Everything else the right side of the aisle is the usual blend of bloviational hyperbole and methane (BHM). Amplifartcation? Lest we forget how Republican reform, not immigration reform, is the number one issue on the docket. But here’s a breakdown of the problem and the solution:
Flagstaff, AZ—On the heels of the Buzzfeed debacle and after a Limony Snickets level of bad reporting, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has turned his soulless eye toward the antics of the The Daily Discord. Despite the fact our own website’s wrongdoing remains clouded in the Special Counsel’s nebulous draconian secrecy, Rachel Maddow spent twenty five awkward minutes covering the story. For this feature, which arrived with next to no information, she danced entirely around two of the only three non-redacted words in the entire court document. She would not utter the words ‘midget porn’ or ‘with a melon’ on prime time television, so her entire segment focused on the words ‘beer pong’ and its tortured link to the Russia probe. Many, including this reporter, found her Maddowmandering, “even more excruciating than usual.” The piece was so annoying, three out of four Discord staffers are believed to have switched to Hannity’s America.
Chicagoland—The polar vortex is causing artic winds to dip into the heartland and further destroy the average Minnesotans chances of meeting someone this January. The President has declared his marriage a state of emergency and is using the excuse to shut the government down again, so he can head to Mar a Lago for some golf and hookers #NotInThatOrder.
If you want to know what happens when a society shifts rightward just turn on Alan Moore’s alternate timeline Watchmen and have someone punch you in the nuts. Then when someone asks Who Watches the Watchmen? you can say, “I do”, in a really high squeaky voice. Shortly after joining congress, Alexandria Oscia-Cortez channeled some Rorschach: “I am not locked in here with YOU! You’re locked in here with MEEE!!” Life mimics art and, according to Moore, art is knowing when you don’t need to be a hero anymore. On that note I’ve been wrestling with the prospect of throwing in the WordPress towel, or at least shifting The Discord’s focus to my other hobby interest, Australian rules cross stitch.
Tweet Tower—The government shutdown may be over, but the battle for Capitol Hill over the State of the Union address is just beginning. The scheduled speech is approaching and a standoff between the president and the Speaker of the House looms large. Despite the Federal Government resuming its operations, Speaker Pelosi is maintaining her position that the White House should deliver SOTU somewhere else. Her office made several recommendation for a more appropriate venue such as Chucky Cheese’s, Motel 6, or DC’s labyrinth-like sewer system. President Trump has also ratcheted up is rhetoric on twitter: “Maybe I’ll just show up, Nancy. I have the military. I have the Secret Service. You’ve got, like, what, two dudes? We can take them out in, like, two seconds What are you going to do about it? #TakingTheHill!!” Speaker Pelosi has since reached out to the headmaster of Hogwarts Academy for Wizards for protection.
Tweet Tower—President Trump is pleased to announce his donation brick challenge is already netting some hard results, literally. Bricks from brick-heads all over the heartland are arriving at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in the hopes of one day helping to keep dangerous murderers and rapists from entering the United States illegally. Recently the president reached directly to his concrete base to ask them to send him individually donated wall bricks with an emphasis on trying to get their Mexican neighbors to pay for them. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders told reports today, “The president couldn’t be happier with the Mexican bricks arriving in the mail. We are especially happy to receive any bricks not shipped via Amazon. The White House is also excited to announce Ivanka’s new “She’s a Brick House” women’s apparel line as well as Scott Baio’s new Jethro Tull collaboration, Thick as a Scott Baio.
My family doesn’t discuss politics anymore, which has become the new normal for many American households. A few conversations did skirt along the edge of relevance this yule time, which has become a bit of a holiday ho-ho no-no. This endless family ‘debate’ has spanned decades, resolves nothing, and invariably dances around anything resembling meaningful discourse. Sound familiar? Republicans certainly have the right to be politically stunted and we all hope they earn their GOP-GED someday, but I can no longer support their ongoing misappropriation of reason. It’s time you all understood just how hard it’s been for the rest of us to decipher exactly why you think the way you do, and—despite the mounting political, economic and human carnage—why your neurological affliction is only worsening.
Ask your doctor if Factchekzia is right for you.
Here’s what I have learned of the larger patterns of this endless argument:
Tweet Tower—After President Trump’s recent proposal to end the government shutdown failed to budge key Democrats, the president has called for an emergency meeting with all the best actors who have portrayed presidents in film. Our commander in chief understands the very real tension between himself and the majority of Hollywood, but in a presidential tweet he implored them to set aside their difference for the ‘greater great’. Trump asked each of them in the midst of this self-induced crisis to discuss the very real role he must play in the days and weeks to come. The president tweeted: I know some of you don’t get how great I am, but this is important!! And there’s still McDonald’s leftovers from that Clemson thing! #McLeftovers.
Washington—President Trump has just made a major announcement. The United Kingdom’s embattled Prime Minister Theresa May has agreed to meditate the debate on border security here in the U.S. in the hopes of reopening the federal government. President Trump thanked the Prime Minister upon her arrival and told reporters, “Now we have two of the best negotiators in the world in the same place, so in my opinion the wall is all but built and the government is all but reopen #WallInTheFamily.”
Chicago—The ongoing shutdown is impacting millions of Americans and the willingness of the unpaid masses to keep performing their critical roles is waning. TSA agent Harry Stiles is one man who’s bearing the brunt of this political impasse. Word came in yesterday that an individual was smuggling enough heroin on his person to fund Trump’s team of attorneys for an entire year, but Mr. Stiles is starting to have a shutdown problem of his own. He agreed to speak to The Discord only under the condition he could remain fictional. “This week I started patting down one leg and the person’s alternate arm. Next week I’m going with my ‘every other person pat down’ policy and if this shit drags on into February I’m initiating Operation Wild Wild West.”
The Southwest—The lack of supervision during the government shutdown has triggered an unprecedented wave of criminal mischief across our national parks and monuments. Numerous reports are coming in that scores of juvenile delinquents have officially wrecked the southwest. Park rangers claim rattle snakes are being forced into clog-removing snake labor, whole canyons are being backfilled, and cactuses across our deserts are being humped and molested outright. There’s even reports coming in that the town of Sedona is now overrun with snooty, New Agey types. No, wait …that part’s normal.
Tweet Tower—President Trump ended the government shutdown 17-minutes after Twitter announced it would be closing the president’s account. The company also informed the president that it relies heavily on indirect government funding to remain a leading social media platform #GovFundMe. Upon hearing the news, several White House staffers claim the president frantically tried to log onto his Facebook account. This ended minutes later with a Presidential Zuckerberg-Related Tirade (PZRT) that could be heard clear to the Washington Monument. The president then cursed all of the Facebook founder’s children and his childrens’ childrens’ children, before opting to bailout twitter and end the shutdown.
Tweet Tower—President Trump’s ghoulish adviser, Stephen Miller, is warning the world that if the president’s demands for wall funding are ignored any longer, the government may not start again in the traditional fashion. He told the press today the president may have to use an executive order to ‘pop the clutch’, or ‘Trump-start’ the nation to get it running properly. Some theorize this could be accomplished by pushing the government down a steep hill. The White House has not confirmed that it’s considering the hill over on 13th street by Columbia Heights. “This is unchartered territory,” said Miller. “We should probably just meet the president’s demands on this one. Why take the chance that our country’s brakes could fail?”
The National Enquirer has identified the cybernetic entity involved in the most costly pending divorce the world has ever known. Jeff Bezos is denying the infidelity, claiming, “She doesn’t even have HDMI ports; we are totally incompatible.” The billionaire is also standing by his IT department’s programming algorithms, which strictly forbids their cyborgs to engage in extramarital affairs. Bezos claims the ‘steamy text messages’ at the heart of the scandal were actually meant for Siri. “I was just talking to Siri. I flirt with her sometimes, sure, but it’s totally bionic *cough* platonic. We really connect sometimes, but it’s just a hobby, really, like sewing or shuttlecock. Damn, take that last one out, please.”
South Park, CO—Today Spectr-phil-A Records proudly announced the venue for their 8th annual Fakeapalooza. The popular fictional music-jest will be held in South Park, Colorado this year and the event is scheduled to last a full a eleven days, “because our music festivals go to eleven!” Many of the best names in fictional rock are already booked, such as Spinal Tap, The Rutles, Eddie and The Cruisers, Josie & The Pussycats, Sex Bob-om, The Soggy Bottom boys, The Hong Kong Cavaliers (minus Buckaroo Bazai), Dr. Teeth & The Electric Mayhem (minus Animal, who’s in rehab), the non-surviving members of the Monkees and parts of Gene Simmons. There’s even rumors The Discord’s own Armpit Salesmen will be making an appearance! The Salesmen, a self-described Spinal Tap cover band, features Cokie McGrath (whichever one is available) on lead vocals, Tony Benjamin-Franklin Ballz on lead guitar, Alex Already-His-Alias Bone on drums, Les Moore, more or less on keyboards, and even Mick Zano will be there, jamming out on the triangle, tambourine and/or cowbell. Tickets are $85 through Ticketgon or completely free at the door #BYOLGBTQ. Don’t void where prohibited as you could be arrested.
Statism is the common feature all systems of Tyrannical Powers of Centralized Control whether they be fascist communist or social dictatorship. It is also the economic regulation of private industry by the state. Mick Zano has done us the great favor of outlining his eight-point plan for implementing a state system of centralized control. Stop pointing to Trump as the villain, Zano, and try looking in a mirror.
Dark Side of the Moon—A Chinese rover has sent back the first images from the dark side of the moon and they are, well, pretty much what rock & roll fans all expected. The mission has proven, once and for all, there is Waters on the dark side of the moon. Yesterday, at 10:26 a.m. Beijing time, the Chinese spacecraft Chang’e 4 landed in an area on the lunar surface somewhere between the Sea of Tranquility and the hood The Chinese probe then deployed a rover that soon sent back the first images along with an eerie, tangential message, “Set the controls for the heart of the sun. Interstellar overdrive one of these days, Pigs! … Is there anybody out there? Mother? Nobody home? Wish you were here, Animals. There is no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact it’s all dark…”
While Muellering the latest Russia-probe developments somewhere in Page, AZ, the above headline suddenly Stzrok me. This is at the heart of the problem with our debates, Pokey. Not my groaners, but the fact it’s always Serious Criminality v Fictional Technicality. We have had serious scandals in recent history, so why focus on the Benghazi Chronicles? No one ever said, I bet Hillary is mishandling her emails so let’s investigate. Republicans simply scrutinized every aspect of Hillary’s life in search of their coveted ‘technicality’. This is at the heart of today’s attack on the Mueller probe as well. The Special Counsel will find some level of Trump collusion/conspiracy, aka the reason for the investigation in the first place, and wrongdoing will likely range somewhere between highly troubling to legally damning. But this is never the case rightward. From the right’s perspective none of that matters, because the investigation never should have occurred due to this aforementioned ‘technicality’, the relevance or legitimacy of which is always secondary. Any inconsistencies, no matter how trivial, convoluted, or incomprehensible will suffice, so long as Fox & Frauds can use them to muddy those waters and avoid the very real indictments lurking at the threshold.
[Bo Diddley was a Deep One joke removed by the editor.]
[Winslow: Stop tailoring your jokes to the handful of Old Blues/Lovecraft fans out there]