Attorney General’s Choice Of Lunch Pail Questioned

Washington—Attorney General Jeff Sessions attended a scheduled committee meeting today toting a Bee Gees lunch box. Those close to Mr. Sessions are wondering whether this is a message to his staff that he is ah-ah-ah-ah Stayin’ Alive, or if he just has really shitty taste in retro music. One staffer believes it’s a cue directly aimed at her, as the Bee Gees’ song More Than A Woman is “their song”, or at least he has repeated that claim to her during Session sessions, which resemble a 50 Shades of Gandalf the Grey kind of thing as performed by the Burlesque Bilbo Bobbitt Hobbits.

Trump Wants To Meet Aztec Leader And Is “Impressed” With Tower Of Skulls Unearthed In Mexico

Aztecia—Despite repeatedly explaining how the Aztecs were defeated by the Spanish in 1521, President Trump remains insistent on meeting the Aztec King, or any member of his cabinet. His interest was sparked after an Aztec tower of skulls was discovered under the heart of Mexico City. The president is even willing to meet the King at a pyramid, “if there’s proper air conditioning involved.” The president believes the Aztecs could become crucial allies in both reigning in drug cartels as well as the building of the wall along the U.S. southern border. “I know they’re into some freaky shit down there, but I think we can work with them, or maybe their neighbors, those Inka people, who do office supplies or something. Do you think any of them pee on their women?”

[Kinkos joke removed by the editor]

Empire Closes Popular Bar On Mos Eisley

Tatooine—Chalmun’s Cantina, an infamous watering hole located at the Mos Eisley spaceport, has closed its space doors forever after a violent incident involving an Ewok and the hind end of a Tauntaun. Shortly after the Imperial Stormtroopers’ arrival, their blasters claimed the life of the owner, a Wookie, and several of his staff. Empire personnel then arrested 23 of the establishment’s intergalactic patrons. The Empire hopes to reopen the bar again soon, complete with extended hours, an expanded menu, and more of a Neimoidian theme.

Fleet Of Poland-Bound Buses Filled With Trump Supporters Feared Lost At Sea

Davey Jones Depot—President Trump’s speech today in Warsaw’s Krasinski Square is now marred with tragedy. The Polish government had already promised the Trump Administration hundreds of adoring fans for his speech, so many are questioning the decision to send more U.S. crowd-stackers. The fleet of buses carrying the Trump rally enhancers are now missing. The president vows to get to the bottom of how his rent-a-crowd bus fleet ended up at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. Several of Trump’s cabinet members were vehemently opposed to dispatching these buses. Unfortunately the president is not familiar with many of his cabinet members, or the word vehemently. 

Happy 4th? The Last Nationalistic Bone In My Body Has Osteoporosis, Which Is Now A Preexisting Condition

Why do liberals hate America? Maybe they just hate the stupid parts, which tend to be Republican in nature. At least North Korea didn’t vote for their own sociopathic man-child. Patriotism isn’t dead, it’s just brain dead. Z-exiting wouldn’t be easy, of course, but part of me wants to pull the old Daltrey and “put out the fire, and don’t look past my shoulder.” How do you outrun WWIII or the next global economic recession? We can’t escape from ourselves. Conservatives will continue to be the next unnecessary war/global recession people. Trumpcare currently has a 17% approval rating, so when is the Republican party itself going to be as unpopular as its deeds? Those will be the dystopic days worth living for. Why am I ready to give up on the greatest democratic experiment in human history? If America was a bar, this would the part when the lights blare on and you’re forced to acknowledge your poor choices. So… I didn’t miss my shoes and, hey, weren’t you on the faces of meth?

Trump’s Venue Change For The 4th Of July Naturalization Ceremony Raises Eyebrows & Possibly The Dead

New York, NY—For the past 54 years the Independence Day Celebration and Naturalization Ceremony has taken place at Monticello in Charlottesville, Virginia. In a surprise move President Trump has broken with tradition and held the event at a clandestine Satanic Temple in NYC. This decision was met with harsh criticism from many Democrats, and even some Republicans are questioning the move, at least privately, during black mass sessions.

Premature Evacuation? Rogue Wave Ends Beach Goers Porn Session

Santa Barbara, CA—What started as an important porn-user download session (PUDS), ended with the destruction of an ASUS laptop and the premature evacuation of one beach goer. Kip Miller, of nearby Montecito, was mortified by the sudden deluge that also claimed the life of his Nintendo 3DS. “When stuff like this happens it makes me question whether or not the universe is fundamentally evil. To quote Bender from Futurama, ‘What is the deal with the ocean?'”

Can This Popular Icon Save Trumpcare? Capitol Hill Damaged During Speaker’s Entrance

Washington, DC—Vice President Mike Pence is doing his best today to sell a less than popular healthcare bill. Republicans took all the usual steps, including lying and relabeling, but to no avail. They are saying that the increased number of uninsured Americans, Pioneer Health Recipients and Obama death panels, which didn’t actually exist under the ACA, will be created and called Obama Death Panels. After these maneuvers did little to sweeten the pot for the naysayers, Pence suddenly yelled, “Hey, Kool Aid!”

Syria Now The World’s Leading Exporter Of Gravel

Damascus, SY—War ravaged Syria is trying to make an economic comeback in 2017. Part of this daring rebound involves exporting gravel to countries in need of gravel. In a recent speech Syrian President Bashar al-Assad told the world he was “growing more confident by the day that my country’s economic prospects are looking up.” President al-Assad added, “You should always look up when visiting Syria as debris is constantly falling from the roof tops. Besides that, I am very pleased with recent economic indicators. Long before Trump I promised to make Syria Gravel Again. Oh, and to celebrate Ramadan this year I personally sent tons of Ramen noodles to all of our major cities. I’m calling it Ramendan. Get it? Ha! And, boy, do we have a shit-load of gravel! And it’s all 100% authentic Syrian gravel, chock full of history nuggets.”

Trump Annexes Rival Golf Course!

Miami, FL—President Donald Trump announced his intention to improve business at his Doral Miami golf resort by annexing the nearby Biltmore golf resort at Coral Gables. Donald Trump told the press today, “This is legal, totally legal. As president of the United States I can seize land through the use of executive orders. Obama seized millions of acres, the greedy bastard, and I’m just taking a few hundred acres of a pesky golf course that’s been cutting into my operations. You should stay at my Trump Doral golf resort! It’s amazing and now it will have even less competition. So I will be hiking rates accordingly. Check for it online on Trumpvago. Yeah, I annexed Trivago as well. Hey, I’m the first in virtual annexation. Not bad, eh?”

The Menehune: The Mythical Small People Of Kauai And The Large Costs Associated With Not Finding Them

Kauai, HI—This trip proved the most challenging for team Search Truth Quest, at least financially. We would make both cryptozoological history as well as history of our flex funds. For this journey STQ was on the hunt for two Hawaiian heavyweights: a tribe of hobbits known as the Menehune as well as a 12-foot guardian lizard known as the Mo’o. Our CEO and primary funder, Pierce Winslow, figured it would be cheaper if we pulled a mythological twofer. He paid for our flights, our accommodations, and all the Ramen we could stuff into our carry-ons. We needed to recover from our last disastrous trek to the Dominican Republic. There was a lot on the line for this one, because the search for the truth in quest form must continue.

Millennials Furious Trump May End Their Opportunity To One Day Destroy The Country

Outer Portlandia—Missing November’s election has had clear consequences for young people and humans in general. In response, millennials across the country are banding together like never before, just to complain about shit. The majority feel gipped as they want their chance to end our republic. Thousands of angry Portlandians shouted obscenities and held signs today that read, “Please leave stuff for us to wreck!” and “I’m almost angry enough to vote!” A recent polls shows 75% of people under the age of 25 are still not planning to vote in the 2018 midterms, but more than 80% of this demographic intend to either continue protesting and/or join relevant FacbookWhineGroups.