A one hundred day nap ended today, when congressman Jack S. Van Winkle (R-NE) awoke to join the rest of his party in condemning the “sham of an impeachment hearing that’s sullying America’s good name.” The congressman from Nebraska admits he overslept a bit, “I know the votes just ended, but I still want my voice to be heard! No collusion, no obstruction, no quid pro Joe! Make America Late Again!”
North of the Border—The White House believes it has reached a suitable comprise after being thwarted by a series of court rulings that block both funding for the wall, as well as the use of the military to build the structure. President Trump intends to erect a thousand mile, unscalable partial wall (UPW), an intermittent expanse stretching from San Diego California to a terminus point the president describes as “somewhere in Colorado.”
Before waging battle with any of your crazy relatives this holiday season, here’s your updated handy-dandy scandal review list. Today we have some new Spygate fodder for your enjoyment. See why each and every republican led scandal ends in bullshit. Find out why there is never any there, there. Oh, and if you’re really gutsy, try reading this summary scandal table out loud at the next extended family gathering. Not recommended (Battery and/or Assault sold separately).
The year 2019 proved a tumultuous one for journalism, satire, and fake news of all stripes. This can especially be said for publications attempting to be all three. I am happy to report there were less apology segments in 2019 than in previous years, however, this is not due to our improved journalistic methods and standards, but is rather the direct result of my decreased involvement and interest. Actually, we suck even more lately, and the only change has been to our attitude about such suckage. Blunders are now cherished, promoted, relished, mustarded and even ketchuped.
Our headline Woman Rescued After 12 Days In Outback Steakhouse, should have ended with the word Outback. We’re still working to take that particular Outback, back out, so we can then stick it somewhere down under. Our feature Third Highest Ranking Republican Expected To Run From Police, should have been ‘Run For Senate.’ Although, there is a strong argument this is still a likely outcome, and to comment on our most consequential blunder of the year, as Trump as my witness our headline Every Vote Cunts was an unfortunate typo.
The year 2019 proved a tragic one for large spheres of flaming plasma throughout the galaxy. Among those lost are ACS-J1149, Zeta BC-25, and my personal favorite 144471-Ba. One group of stars that include B-Gamma-7 and 888741-E were subsumed by a very naughty black hole from the BDSM Quadrant. Several stars such as GN-z11, HD 140283, and RX J185635-3754 just fizzled out in what scientists are calling “a not so supernova.” And our own chief celestial correspondent, Alex Bone, claims we lost the entire HR-420 cluster after Stellular Resources conducted random coronal-ejection-analysis throughout the quadrant.
Manijib, Syria—Barley a month after US forces abandoned their military base in northern Syria, President Donald Trump wowed the new occupants of the previously held Kurdish territory with a surprise visit. Russian troops cheered as both Vladimir Putin and Syrian President Bashar al-Assad joined the festivities from a giant JumboTron, courtesy of the US army. The dueling dictators thanked the US president for his unscheduled appearance, as well as the ongoing support for despotism and general evilness everywhere. The three leaders then renewed their pledge to wipe out democracy wherever it might attempt to flourish.
Washington—The White House is denying allegations that the bombing of three separate banks believed to be housing the president’s financial records was intentional. The Pentagon has confirmed three US drone strikes have leveled Capital One headquarters in VA, the US headquarters of the French company, Mazars, in NY, and a third location at …some Deutsche bank. The White House is maintaining these are unrelated incidents that the president himself is calling “collusional damage” and “tax erasetion.”
Earlier today the Navy Secretary resigned over what is being called a ‘Trumpian pardon my overreach’ scandal. Hey, someone should pose next to Giuliani …you know, after they get to him. Yesterday, China called the US the biggest source of instability in the world, which is another good reason to dump the almighty Donald. Meanwhile, the once unthinkable notion of ditching the dollar is now likely resonating with even the Merkels of the world. Two days ago we find a top Commander warning of the next Iran attack. Yeah, I don’t mind another avoidable war, but who to root for? Kidding, but how does the US manage to cede the moral high ground to even the Ayatollahs? What do you do for your next trick, republicans? Never mind. The last time I posed that question the economy Dubya’d. And, if you dare to jump into the Wayback Machine all the way back to two weeks ago, Tehran was unveiling some anti-American murals to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the hostage crisis. Oh, and they’ve managed to resume their uranium enrichment, in their spare time. Centrifuge sold separately. And the day before that, North Korea fired another long range missile as their Supreme Leader was seen riding a unicorn with a rainbow shooting out of its …wait, I’m being told that was our Photoshop team’s rendition. Keep me in the loop, fellas! I guess it’s time for us to arm all sides in this Middle East crisis, not for peace, but for some more lucrative weapons contracts. Who knew hiring an ass-clown would bring about such a circus 🤡 😲?
[Boeing, Boeing, Gone? and Halliburton & Ernie joke awarded a new lucrative contracts.]
Queens, NY—Steve “Stevie” Miles is concerned his past relationship as a classmate of Donald Trump’s could lead to legal peril. Miles told the Discord today, “A lot of people who’ve associated with Donnie Dingleberry over the years are being dragged into court. Yeah, that’s his nickname. What I do know is that he looked at my paper a lot during exams. I told Mrs. Magaluso once, but there was some type of coverup involved. You can see in the picture, I noticed he’s trying to cheat so I’m giving him the finger. When Donnie did get in trouble, he either paid off someone to take the fall, or he blamed The Deep District. I took the fall once. I didn’t really give Jimmy Phillips a swirlie, but for twenty bucks back then? Shit. That was the most lucrative detention stint ever. Who do you think invented the swirlie? Yep, good old Donnie Dingleberry. He was like Nelson from the Simpsons …well, if Nelson sustained a serious head injury.”
El Paso County, CO—Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell is denying allegations that he’s worked out a scheme to hold the presidency firmly in Republican control, yet silence the baser impulses of the current occupier of the Oval Office. A senior staffer has leaked a nefarious plot to transport Donald Trump’s mouth to Cheyenne Mountain, and bury it under several miles of granite. The Republican co-conspirators hope to obtain the president’s mouth while he’s sleeping, which according to Twitter feed patterns occurs roughly between 2:00 and 2:15 AM each morning. Scientists estimate the half-life of a half-wit will allow President Trump’s mouth to continue to spout off to the surrounding radioactive barrels for the next 6.3 billion tweets.
Washington—During the impeachment hearings today, instead of yielding his time to a fellow congressman, Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) unfortunately said, “His Lord Satan.” After his statement a crack formed in the chamber that emitted an orange glow, flames, and a smell not unlike Rep. Eric Swalwell’s recent performance over at MSNBC. Then Rep. Adam Schiff looked on in horror as the Chair of the House Intelligence Committee slipped into a fissure that formed from deep in the Earth’s crust.
Washington, DC—At least one scientist believes the current Trump impeachment scenario could imperil the entire planet and is therefore sounding the alarm. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, said, “This week’s hearings strike at the very core of Trump’s ego, which, if ruptured, is large enough to melt straight through to the Earth’s core. The president’s ego is supersized, so if it were a star its death throes would create a black hole; if it were a wave it would form a MAGA-tsunami, and were it a late night McDonald’s order, it would come with a very, very large coke and fries.”
Gary, IN—A man, who we will refer to as “Gary from Indiana”, is angry after both YouTube and Facebook took down his coveted Kitty Korner blog, because he happens to share the same name with the whistle-blower at the heart of the Trump impeachment hearings. The whistle-blower’s name was briefly outed last week, but was then removed almost immediately from all major platforms on which it appeared. This move inadvertently hid the popular kitten blog, and Gary just wants to know when he can post his latest pic of a Maine Coon-Norwegian Forest hybrid named Mittens.
Deep State Headquarters—The Daily Discord has spoken to an unnamed source claiming to be a double agent working within the intelligence community. This individual plans to appear on Hannity’s America, any day now, to expose the widespread corruption at the very heart of the Deep State. This righteous whistleblower tells a sordid tale in which an individual, akin to a liberal supervillain, was created in a secret laboratory with direct ties to George Soros and the Clinton Foundation. This fiend, known only as BleachBit, was created to subvert the American dream and to destroy the last best hope for mankind, Donald J. Trump.
Mexico City—Fourteen woolly mammoth skeletons were unearthed this week in a mass grave 25 miles north of Mexico City. Although archeologists estimate the remains were deposited over 15,000 years ago, this has not stopped president Trump from blaming Mexican drug cartels, the cast of The View, Adam Schiff, and Hunter Biden. The president tweeted today, “The archeorthodontist says it’s murder! Drug cartels are bad! Very bad!! We see none of that money. None of it!! Unless we can work out a Trump Tower Cancun deal or something, prepare for war! My generals are ready, Andres!! Besides, Hunter has the name HUNT in it! This had better be the focus of the impeachment hearings!”
New York, NY—McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook has resigned from the company after admitting to dating a staffer. Easterbrook told The Discord today, “Sometimes those golden arches are worth all the McControversy. Hey, I’m just sayin’, she brought me a toy with that happy m—
[Editor’s note: The Whopper of a tail, Wendy’s single, Whattabugger, egg McMuff, Finger lickin’ good, spicy sausage burrito, Jimmy’s John, Hardees Grimace, and Five Guys kosher style hotdog jokes have been dumped out with the plastic tray. You’re welcome.]
Washington—AG William Barr was rushed to the hospital today after contorting his neck in what his medical providers are calling “a manner not conducive with the range of motion normally associated with the human neck.” This action has displaced a cervical vertebrae, inflaming the surrounding muscles, which has resulted in what historians are calling: “a massive executive pain in the neck.” An unnamed staffer claims the Attorney General suffered the injury when he suddenly looked up to the right then back to the side in an effort to avoid witnessing any wrongdoing on his watch. The anonymous staffer said, “Mr. Barr has mastered the ability to walk into a room, or a meeting and, even though his eyes are open, all of his sensory apparatus are turned off. He’s not recording anything. He’s, like, on automatic pilot. And other than walking into the occasional closed door, he still fits-in well with the rest of Trump’s team. The neck thing probably happened because he suffered a lapse of reality at an inconvenient time.”