Tweet Tower—Several pounds of frozen people parts were discovered in Ziploc bags in White House advisor Stephen Miller’s freezer during a raid Monday night. Mr. Miller stated he’s “not sure” how the remains got there, but he is willing to work with investigators on finding some really tasty seasonal soup dishes. Agents noted how several movies were found at the Miller residence, including: Dahmer Kitchen Diaries, Silence of the Lambs: The Musical, as well as Sautéing Private Ryan. His bookcase contained such titles as The Cannibal Cookbook; The Good, The Bad and the Stir-fried; and a signed copy of Liberals: The Other White-House Meat. On a related note, a recent Discord survey found eight out of ten of those polled: “would have been surprised if human remains had not been found in Stephen Miller’s freezer.”
Only one year into this cocky horror picture show and our Republican friends are already circling the old wagons. Much uncertainty clouds the onset of year two of the Greatest Administration on Earth, so it’s time for some more prognostic magic. As for the Russia-probe, the surprising effectiveness of the Hannity-led attacks on the FBI and Mueller’s team is muddying the waters. No matter how wrong Republicans get, doubling down with mindless distractions seems to serve them well. The difference with this round? The rule of law itself hangs in the balance. We are now faced with two terrible choices: Jeff Sessions remains the Attorney General and further militarizes the police, re-ignites the failed war on drugs, tramples state-laws, destroys a ton of new businesses, all while stuffing our prisons to the brim with more non-violent offenders, or choice two: Sessions is sent packing in the next couple of weeks or months in favor of a new AG who, before taking the job, agrees to reign-in the Mueller investigation. For this scenario there is clearly the potential for a more successful Saturday Night Massacre, one that allows an indictable ass-clown to remain in office. Archibald Cox sucker? But fear not, I know how this all ends! (Hint: think Rogue One meets Bambi’s mother over at The Green Mile.)
Mar-a-Lego—A new playground is at the center of a brewing White House controversy. Attorney General Jeff Sessions is under mounting pressure to investigate claims that the president is using a playground in Springfield to recruit new administration members and staffers and get them to join his Trump Youth movement. The Discord’s Cokie McGrath staked out the playground yesterday. “These kids are getting ‘unpresidented’ presidential access that could influence Trump’s policy making decisions,” said McGrath. “Will Trump’s wall come complete with some cool tunnels, slides, and a built in jungle gym? I have already discovered laundered money, counterfeit money, and lunch money on the premises. Everything is under the table here. Really, it’s right under that picnic table and some of it looks really dirty, like it’s been in the mud puddle at the end of the slide.”
Dim Sum restaurant owner Li Sun not only helped discover a clatch of old dinosaur eggs at a construction site near his home, but he’s serving them as a million-year-old egg special that includes shredded pork and rice congee. The #12 on his menu is a favorite among the culinary adventurous. Sun admits the eggs are “a little hard”, but otherwise they are a popular novelty item. Sun admits some of his customers have chipped their teeth during the ingestion process, but overall the feedback has been positive. “There is a dentist right next door,” said Sun. “That’s a small price to pay to say you ate a dinosaur. So the only thing to fear is, well, you should also avoid the #14. It’s a little chewy and we’re not really sure why.”
The U.S. just received one of the worst disparity of wealth scores among developed countries by the World Economic Forum, and this dismal achievement occurred before the pending carnage of Trump’s new tax plan. Luckily Republicans can’t discern if any country, or if any thing is even developed [Roy Moore joke removed by the editor]. Today our nation’s disparity trails even Russia’s …you know, the country at least partly responsible for our current State of the Union. From Russia with Lube? St. Petersbugger? Katherine the Make America Great Again? [Roy Moore’s horse joke removed by the editor].
Sorry, it’s a condition, please continue…
Oceans 11 (because our oceans go to 11)—Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Casino, has put forth a controversial new theory of our ancient oceans. Dr. Hogbein believes the early Ordovician period, traditionally believed to have been dominated by giant nautiloids and hemorrhoids, was actually ruled by a giant extinct submarine known as megalasub. “These were truly giants of the deep,” said Hogbein, “Nothing could have stood a chance against a submarine that could grow to the length of 375 meters. Could you imagine if Subway served a 375 meter long sub? I can’t, thankfully.”
Sweet Home Alabama—Judge Roy Moore is claiming the recent special senatorial election was clearly rigged against horses. The former judge and presumed pedophile is pointing to widespread equine voter suppression as the culprit behind his recent loss to known liberal and Hillary-sympathizer, Doug Jones. Moore told the press today, “Sassy gets even sassier when her vote is being systematically suppressed by liberals. Not on my watch, not in my country, and not on the horse I rode in on. There is enough evidence today that horses did not get to vote to trigger a recount, particularly if Trigger didn’t get a vote.”
Perusing the Discord files was an enlightening trip down memory-impaired lane. It was a great reminder of the staggering consistency of Republican ignorance. The Ingraham-style Angle is always a distraction and it’s an astoundingly cyclic and repetitive one. An event happens, Republicans draw the opposite conclusion, then they’re proven wrong, then they’re too busy being wrong about something else to notice, and then Reince, Priebus, Repeat. So what were they going on about six months ago? According to our archives here. How about this time last year? Pizzagate! Remember that slice of cheesy crapolla? How about two years ago? In 2015 Pokey was Caliphate fear-mongering for Christmas. Holy Crusades Batman! How about this time in 2013? Oh, yeah, Travelgate. Wow! Check out that overblown pile of Traveloshitty, here. It’s harder to go back in the archives further from our old server, but dammit, let’s do this! Yep, it gets worse as you go back …for them. Over the years my predictions seem to be spot on, so there’s must be spot off …which is fine if you’re a carpet cleaner.
Tweet Tower—An unknown staffer has leaked Donald Trump’s Ancestry.com results to the press. A clear genetic link has been identified between the sitting president and the notorious Heat Miser, of The Year Without A Santa Clause fame. The staffer obviously released the information due to the recent level of coordination occuring between the two. The Heat Miser was the key adviser to encourage Trump to abandon the Paris Accords and is also at the center of the controversial joint venture into Trump Resort & Casino Iceland.
In the wake of Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ effort to “take a bite out of crime”, the use of K9-assisted arrests has risen sharply in 2017. Many are blaming our nation’s increase in dogular related injuries on the Trump Administration’s appointment of McGruff the Crime Dog to head the Department of Dog-Bone Minority. The Department of Injustice is disturbed by recent arrest statistics, which seem to indicate very little incident-to-race bias whatsoever. Experts believe the inherent color blindness of our canine law enforcement officers may be the barrier to munching on more Mexicans.
The White House announced today the words ‘climate change’ will hereby be changed to the special prosecutor’s name ‘Robert Mueller’, wherever and whenever they appear in official government documentation. This executive order reaches all existing government agencies, including the Department of Agriculture, the Department of Commerce, NOAA and the Defense Department, just to name a few. This White House decree orders the changes be made via the Microsoft Office add-and-replace function. Additional mandates include the elimination of anything considered ‘evidence-based’ or ‘science-based’. These will be changed to some other stuff with the new headings of either ‘Hannity-said’, or ‘Trump-tweeted’. The White House is touting the level of choice still remaining for agency officials is impressive, and these moves are designed to further curb the impact of fake science from undermining key Trump initiatives.