Pardon My Glitch? Constitutional Scholars Claim Trump Only Legally Pardoned Jack Johnson’s Johnson

Tweet Tower—An embarrassing grammatical snafu involving the coolest of Trump’s recent executive orders, impacts the pardoning of boxing great Jack Johnson. Due to an unfortunate typo, only Jack Johnson’s Johnson was legally pardoned last week. Under the heading ‘full name’, Trump’s pardon reads: John Arthur “Jack” Johnson Johnson, the first African-American heavyweight boxing champion. There’s an extra Johnson, which in legal terms implies the full pardon of only the boxer’s penis.

Trump Expedites The Elderly’s Right To Meet Death

Tweet Tower—A new deal between the Trump Organization, Big Pharma, Signa, and the Grim Reaper actually hastens the life-process for individuals associated with high medical costs. This new plan is designed to benefit the healthcare providers, while at the same time helping ordinary people, like you, pass into the underworld more easily. The collaborative effort is designed to cut costs, cut life support, and finish off Obamacare by the midterm elections. The details of the deal remain shrouded—in a black cowl, actually—but the president promises it’s a big win for healthy young people, who should probably stay inside from now on …where it’s safe.

President Trump To Pardon Roseanne Barr

Tweet Tower—Earlier today the president of ABC, Channing Dungey, announced the cancellation of their top-rated sitcom Roseanne after a racist tweet surfaced on Roseanne Barr’s personal Twitter feed. Mrs. Dungey called the comments, “Abhorrent, repugnant and inconsistent with our values.” President Trump quickly came to Roseanne’s defense and is considering a full pardon at this time for the tweet and any related damages.

Fire & Fury? Trump To Meet Kim Jong Un At The Halfway Point, Hawaii

Big Island, HI—The proposed location for President Trump’s on-again, off-again summit with North Korea is both raising eyebrows and singeing them. The president announced the two leaders will meet in June on Hawaii’s Big Island, preferably “right near some of the active lava flows.” Is the president trying to tie in his earlier “fire and fury” comments, or is he still investigating Barack Obama’s birthplace? It’s hard to say, especially when your president can barely speak.

Now That Our President Is More Dangerous Than The Spooks, We’re Investigating The Spooks

Last November the US elected its first pathological Liar-in-Chief, and this is when we finally get to look under the g-men hood and kick the tires? During normal times I’d be cheering loudly and waving my I Still Believe, Sanjaya! ascot. But these are not normal American Idol times, and the ascots only come in lavender. Thus far the 21st century rightwing conspiracies have proven to be distractions, but will the FBI counter counter-investigation prove different? There are only two conspiracy theories that hold any merit: Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone in the death of John F. Kennedy, and Plankton was not the only culprit in Spongebob’s Great Krabby Patty Caper (season 7, ep.17). Mr. Oswald publically stated “I’m a patsy” and was then gunned down within 48-hours. The Feds certainly know more on this matter than meets the FB-eye. Also, Larry the Lobster yelled he was “A patty” before being boiled alive during a Krabby Patty interrogation by BBPD. This episode, Butter You Than Me, never aired thanks to the efforts of Gina Haspel and Mike Pompeo. Fine, that’s a bit of a tangent, but so is this rightwing counter counter intelligence investigation that thus far seems counter to intelligence.

Ghost Town’s Ghost: A WildernessPunk Story

Superior, AZSo this is my new thing, at least for the next month or so, I’m heading out into Arizona’s desert badlands on the days you’re least likely to run into other humans. Some people think you should only explore the desert in the winter. Forget such ideas. One should experience an area’s true nature. You don’t become one with the Saguaros hiking through them in January. This would be like trying to discover Mardi Gras in New Orleans in September. Also, with Phoenix now being the fifth largest city in the US, if one wants a little desert solitaire, you need to avoid the spilling of the masses into the wilds by dodging the weekends. I want to be the only non-local around, Non-local = El Loco.

Trump Orders Minted Summit Coins Dropped Over Pyongyang From 30,000 Feet

Tweet Tower—In a move many are calling predictable, President Donald Trump has ordered his Department of Defense to drop the one million newly minted NK/USA June summit commemorative coins over the most populated areas of North Korea. This news comes today shortly after negotiations regarding the tentative Singapore summit between the two nations officially broke down. If this were not childish enough, the U.S. military has been instructed to make farting sounds as they fly over the North Korean peninsula. Donald Trump has also ordered his Justice Department to fully investigate the Nobel Peace Prize Committee, because he “still wants one.” When the president was told the Nobel Committee is housed in Norway, the Trump Administration immediately placed stiff sanctions on the country and imposed crushing tariffs on all Scandinavian imports.

Trump’s Own Travel-Ban Prohibits Him From Attending Upcoming Summit With North Korea

Tweet Tower—Sometimes it pays to read one’s own fine print. President Trump is working feverishly to salvage the upcoming summit between himself and the Supreme Commander of North Korea, Kim Jong Un. Today the plot has officially thickened. Due to a provision of his own travel ban, the president can not fly to the tentative location of the summit in Singapore. Primarily the travel ban prohibits anyone from flying into the U.S. from seven specific Muslim countries. On the last page of the document, however, the president went on a bit of an unscripted rant. He added what he called a Trumpmendment which also prohibits the following groups from flying at all: socialists, kids named after places (like Dakota or Cheyenne), and anyone the DOJ or the DHS considers an ass-clown. Today, the Department of Homeland Security has confirmed that the president is a world class ass-clown and needs to stick to the lower-48 until the people over at Ringling Brothers can release their final report.

So Don’t Be Sad, As For Crisis, Conflict & Collapse, 2 Out Of 3 Ain’t Bad

Catastrophes are looming, so the rightwing distraction machine shifts into overdrive. What exactly are they trying to hide? Drumpf’s first trimester will bring a constitutional crisis, an unnecessary war, and/or an economic collapse (two for three, or your security back!). Dubya started with an unnecessary war that resulted in a constitutional crisis. Then, during Bush’s second trimester, he triggered the worst global event since the series finale of Glee. You might not remember the constitutional crisis part, because Obama was complicit in the torture scandal cover up. Make no mistake, the emergence of Pompeo and Haspel into positions of power highlights this blatant failure to clean up Dodge. Thanks, Obama, I thought this was America! I almost miss that… It looks like Trump will start with a constitutional crisis followed by an unnecessary war. He’s planning to save the economic cherry on his shit sundae for last. But it’s going to be a great depression! The best depression! #ApocolypseDOW?

Trump’s Acknowledgement Of The Russia Probe’s One Year Anniversary Questioned

FBI Headquarters—In honor of the Russia investigation turning one year old this week, Donald Trump sent the Special Counsel a birthday cake. The cake arrived at FBI headquarters Attention: Robert Mueller with a short handwritten note from the president. Fine, it was a tweet someone transcribed. The event confused the House Intelligence chairman, Devin Nunes, who doesn’t know which leak is up. He immediately called the move an “obstruction of frosting,” before leaking the recipe back to the Feds. A Trump tweet shortly followed from the president: “Hey, Nunes, wait for my lead! #Numbnuts.”

Fertility Rates Slide Further After Trump Nude Pic Leaked

Tweet Tower—A new study from Trump University’s Center for Covering Up Public Affairs is showing a steep decline in fertility rates after the above nude image of the president surfaced on PinInstatweet. The inventor of the world wide web, Al Gore, said, “The release of this picture onto my precious inter-web actually broke the main pixilator, you know, the fuzzy spot generator thingie that hides all the naughty bits. So now all uploaded images will just show naked people until we can resolve this issue.”

Actor George Hamilton Converted Into Leather Recliner And Sold On eBay

Hollywood, CA—Actor George Hamilton was sold on eBay today for $895 after the ‘tannequin’ was converted into a leather recliner by the folks over at La-Z-Boy. There is still some controversy surrounding the event as even those closest to Mr. Hamilton are questioning whether this move was voluntary, involuntary, or just the “natural progression” of things.

Trump’s New Jerusalem Embassy & Casino Raises Eyebrows

Jerusalem, IL or PS?—President Trump is back in the spotlight after the unveiling of his new controversial embassy and casino in old-town Jerusalem. This marks the first embassy to have a casino, seven bars, 3080 rooms, an Olympic-sized pool, and gold toilets. Not only is the move stoking resentment from Palestinians, it has already triggered a lawsuit from Embassy Suites, who claim the name is copyrighted.

Hawaiian Government Files Lawsuit Against Pele, Goddess Of Fire

Big Island, HI—As thousands of residents flee their homes on Hawaii’s Big Island, state officials are moving to legal action. Hawaii has filed a class action lawsuit against the suspected culprit, Pele, the Goddess of Fire from their mythological pantheon. Many believe she is behind the recent array of unwarranted magma and earthquakes. Hawaii Civil Defense has come to a different conclusion. They report giant boulders being tossed around, massive ash plumes, toxic gases and dangerous lava flows that may have originated from a badly monitored luau.

Active Collusion Triggered The Russia Probe And Active Delusion Triggered The Counter-Narrative

In my blogvesary’s last article he offered timelines, fingerprints, tire tracks, 27 8×10 color glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, and DNA evidence to add to his mounting evidence that the FBI worked with the Clintons to create an ‘insurance policy’ to dethrone Trump, should ‘Murica ever be reckless enough to elect the ass-clown. Based on mounting evidence, this important ezine has sided with the Russia/collusion narrative and the work of the special counsel. Mr. McDooris’ last post posed only one key question: what was the specific evidence that triggered these dueling narratives? Admittedly, I spaced it …again. Shock Poll: No One Shocked By This. Fine, it was the result of a spontaneous protest triggered by a hateful anti-Muslim video that… oh, sorry, miles away. 

Taking A Page From Comey: Zano’s “Grossly Negligent” Article Was Changed To “Extremely Incompetent”

This is in response to Zano’s last political brain fart. When I speak of “objective facts” it is in the context of how a narrative is developed. Coincidently, the purpose of my argument is not to necessarily establish the truth or falseness of a particular narrative, but to establish the “where, why, and how” the narrative was created. Some narratives are built upon the accumulation of facts, while other narratives are first created (independent of fact) and then facts are sought to support the already accepted narrative. I believe the main media covered scandal: Trump conspired with the Russians to steal the 2016 election is an attempt to support an accepted narrative. Meanwhile, Officials in the FBI and DOJ used their positions to shield Hillary Clinton from indictment is a scandal based on objective facts. After the election these same officials used their positions to delegitimize the Trump presidency.

Trump’s Moscow Maid Killed By Nerve Agent While Falling From Ritz Roof

Moscow, RU—The maid at the Moscow Ritz Carlton responsible for cleaning Trump’s room the morning after his infamous ‘golden envoy’ incident has died under mysterious circumstances. The hotel employee of seven years is believed to have reached out to Special Counsel Robert Mueller last week in an email. Shortly thereafter she was exposed to a deadly nerve agent and apparently fell from the hotel’s top floor. Moscow City Police have labeled the death, ‘Meh’.

Ferris Mueller’s Way Off

My last article promised ‘objective facts’ on the Russia probe and, as my blogvesary rightly pointed out, I failed to deliver. After a couple of brewskis and pizza, my intro-rant became the length of a typical feature. Wit happens. Whereas bashing the Republican mindset is an important pastime of mine. Collecting and explaining endless facts in a post-truth world is listing heavily toward the vain side of futile. How do we review all of Mueller’s 49 topics of inquiry as broke by the NYTs last leak? On a related note, I started this post 49 times myself, but this is an ever-changing subject …or is it ‘target’ now? Who can keep up with Trump’s misdeeds and antics? Who would want to? Will Mueller or Stormy’s lawyer takedown ass-clown first? My fellow blogger has the solution: just ignore reality and infuse more Hannity. Essential boils? But, hey, if this Discord article doesn’t arrive at your door, hot, steamy and loaded with ‘objective facts’, it’s free! …and probably means I’m loaded myself. Obstruction of Drunkness?

This Day In Future History: Giuliani’s Lawyer’s Lawyer Hires Lawyer

Tweet Tower—With the news that Rudy Giuliani’s own lawyer has placed a retainer for his own lawyer, essentially Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer now has a lawyer. We’re not really sure. The Discord has posed the question to both Sir Richard Dawkins and that Asian guy with the white wavy hair, but to no avail. Our own mathematical guru, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, agreed to take a stab at it: “This answer lies somewhere in the realm of polyattorneyal theoretical mathematics, and if this need derived from the Stormy Daniels’ situation, it would also be considered a sexponential number, like 69.”