Tweet Tower—Lawyers everywhere, even many who do not represent the president in any way, are begging him to stop rallying, tweeting or even speaking. The controversial Steele Dossier alleges Donald Trump paid high-end Russian hookers to pee on one another at the Ritz Carlton in Moscow back in 2013. President Trump has now changed his story about the incident a third time, regarding his length of stay at the infamous hotel.
Houston, TX—President Trump did not attend the funeral of Barbara Bush last week at St. Martin’s Episcopal Church in Houston. Despite this fact, the above image appeared on the White House website for several hours before it was suddenly removed and made into an origami giraffe. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) said, “This is a new low for President Trump. Kidding. The president is not standing next to his wife, which is the only aspect of the image that lends it some credibility. Can someone Photoshop him out of the White House, please? That would be great. Better yet, I want to be Photoshopped into a picture at his funeral. Kidding. I don’t even want that. The origami giraffe part sounds nice, though.”
Since my blogvesary only gets his information from Alex Jones’s more conservative uncle, his last article demands more details on the Russia probe. “Objective facts! And only objective facts!” will do, because, as a Benghazi survivor himself, he wants only the straight dope. My Discord diatribes are apparently becoming too opiniony for his keen scientific sensibilities. Fine, but first I have two questions for Mr. McDooris: 1. How do you jump over a gazillion Trump/Russia mistruths without straining anything? and, 2. Does this qualify you for the 2020 summer Olympics in Tokyo?
Philadelphia, PA–The Daily Discord has uncovered a diabolical plot to alter the Constitution. There is mounting evidence that suggests that Skynet has just sent a Terminator back in time to the Constitutional Convention of 1787 for the purpose of ending the Electoral College. Some politicians are welcoming the move. Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) said, “Whatever the Founding Father’s initial intensions were, in the 21st century the Electoral College has helped elect Dubya and The Donald. In my opinion this proves the provision is irreparably broken. Ending the Electoral College through any normal constitutional means seems next impossible in the current political climate, so I commend and support the quick thinking of Skynet and their evil cyborg affiliates in this matter.”
George Orwell once said, “To see what is in front of one’s nose needs a constant struggle.” And Orwell’s nose was much smaller than yours, Zano. Let’s start with the objective facts driving the ‘FBI-wrongdoing’ narrative, as opposed to whatever you’ve been doing. My friend Mick tends to seek facts to support his assumptions, and then he goes on a weekly diatribe that makes Trump’s latest Fox & Friends interview sound like a Dalai Lama tweet.
Greybull, WY—Actor and spokesperson Wilford Brimley reported that his mustache was taken from his home, and his face, on the morning of April 24th. Mr. Brimley informed Big Horn County Police that his mustache was last seen the evening of the 23rd, somewhere between his nose and his mouth. Brimley told reporters, “John Bolton’s mustache does look a lot like mine, even more so since yesterday. Now I’m not saying that that’s my mustache, but I’m not saying that that’s not my mustache.”
New York, NY—Ambassador Nikki Haley presented a vial of President Trump’s urine in the middle of the United Nations’ General Assembly today as a sign of dominance. “The Trump Administration wants you all to know that America is still the alpha,” said Haley. “We all know the U.S. is number one, so the president is just spreading some of his own number one to each corner of this chamber.” The Ambassador then proceeded to update the list of President Trump’s nicknames for each of the 193 countries in attendance (except Nambia, who was a no-call, no-show).
Towson, MD—Stanley Freed, founder of Occupy Starbucks, started his movement shortly after his wife kicked him out yesterday. This morning things quickly escalated when some pro-caffeine, counter protestors arrived from the Black Coffee Matters movement. The confrontation between Mr. Freed and the group of yuppie espressorados lasted for seven long minutes, while onlookers kept staring at their iPhones and laptops. Mr. Freed is white and the Starbuck’s manager is black—so, not liking the odds, the police were never called. The employees resolved instead to huddle in the backroom and snort Via packets until the standoff ended.
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump is hosting French President Emmanuel Macron for a state dinner next week. The visit is in honor a 250 year friendship between France and the United States. The White House planned to keep the dinner menu secret, but the event details have already been leaked to the press. The leaker claims, “The Trump Administration will be serving a seven course meal that includes everything with the name ‘French’ in it.”
Beverly Hills, CA — During his three week U.S. tour, Saudi Crown Royal Mohammed bin Weinstein, entered into an agreement with Cirque du Soleil. Saudi Arabia recently lifted its long standing ban on such entertainment and the Circus of the Sun agreed to a specially crafted performance to honor Saudi National Day. According to eyewitness accounts and emergency personnel, the debut performance “didn’t go so well.”
Every time a political debate ensues, Mick Zano immediately breaks it down to a D vs R dichotomy. There he goes again, “Republicans are nothing but [insert derogatory adjective followed by pithy comment here].” He feels the GOP has become such a mess he wants to move beyond his usual array of insults to outright ignoring them. These bouts of avoidance should only be interrupted for some rotten vegetable lobbing. Bravo, Zano, Bravo. What if I told you both parties are flip sides of the same coin? Or, in this case, a wooden nickel.
Tweet Tower—The Trump Administration feels the current White House bus is no longer adequate to keep up with the current demand. In a speech from the Rose Garden today, President Trump said, “You folks hired the ‘You’re Fired’ guy, so this shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. I just reversed something Nikki Haley said at the UN the day after she said it. I also have Kelly, Pruitt, Carson, and many others on deck. Remember the movie Jaws? It’s like that. I looked out the window yesterday and I told my favorite staffer, Bob, or John, or Ted or something, we’re going to need a bigger bus. The biggest bus. The best bus!”
New York, NY—Ambassador Nikki Haley minced no words to the United Nation’s on Monday, as that’s her boss’s job. She did warn the 193-member General Assembly that the U.S. is prepared for a second wave of bombing raids on Syrian targets. She said, “To be clear, the United States is prepared to take unilateral action should the Coalition of the Vaguely Interested lose further interest. It wouldn’t really be unilateral, if you think about it, when all fifty states would be involved. And we will take these actions, immediately, if any more #MeToo shit comes within a mile of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.”
Tweet Tower—The west is a little shocked that the pile of rubble called Syria didn’t really notice last night’s charge of the Coalition of the Vaguely Interested. Who knew the Middle East could be so complicated? Meanwhile, on the resistance front, Rachel Maddow made some news of her own over on MSNBC. While the bombing was still underway, she perseverated on the whole Wag the Dog theory, which suggests our president is bombing someone (anyone) as a distraction from his own domestic woes. In the president’s defense, he is fighting some serious scandals on at least two fronts.
My blogvesary recently asked me, why can’t we just discuss the issues? He then implied that I’m not really good at it. There’s a good reason we can’t just do that. In fact, I’ve been trying to convey what’s happening and why for a very long time. If we have one party severed from our key issues, or credible media sources, or competent journalists, or pertinent facts, why bother? One side is simply not up to the task. Never confuse the warrior class with the thinking class. Some California liberals may have a far left worldview, but at least they’re discussing issues relevant to this planet. The answers to all of our problems lie somewhere between our most conservative Democratic politicians to the wildest left-leaning hair on Bernie Sander’s head. You show me an idea right of Clair McCaskill (D-MO) and I will show you a delusion. Everything right of her is garbage, and you know what we do with garbage today, right? We dump it in the river behind the factory.
Rome, IT—Many are voicing their concern with the decision to “upgrade” Michelangelo’s work The Creation of Adam, which adorns the ceiling of Rome’s famous Sistine Chapel. The painting now depicts President Donald Trump and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan in the role of God and Adam. These changes took place shortly after the announcement of Ryan’s pending retirement. Those in Italy who really strive for a balanced budget seem happy with the move, but others are claiming the priceless work has been irreparable defaced.
Tweet Tower—With crisis comes opportunity and with Trump comes enough crises to employee an estimated 1.1 million crisis acting Americans (CAA). The White House is downplaying the negative implications of this aspect of the jobs report and instead remains focused on the overall low unemployment figures. Critics are pointing to the fact that endless acute situations, which only create temporary employment for young liberals, are less than helpful. Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said, “How does this help the average American? I am depressed. We need a troupe of professional liberal whiners and protestors about as much as we need another six weeks of this damnable winter #KillPhil.”
New York, NY—Former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton was spotted moments before a fire erupted on the 50th floor of the Trump Tower high-rise, killing one tenant and injuring five Russian spies. The NYC Fire Department said, “The fire was under control about 9:00 PM, which is more than I can say for our President, who spent the night tweeting through the hallways and insisting that no one turn on the building’s five sprinklers to avoid further water damage. The cause of the fire has been ruled ‘Benghazi-like’ and may have been caused by lasers mounted to the end of our former Secretary of State’s fingers.”
Amidst the Age of Ignorance, family gatherings are really starting to suck, but here’s what I’ve learned from the latest holiday gauntlet. Many of us are now facing this uncomfortable reunion reality: Hey, let’s get a lot of people who don’t agree on anything and serve them a shit-ton of holiday cheer! The demise of the political conversation has been a long time coming, but how do we protect the next generation from Republican thought? Thoughts in-and-of themselves are generally a good thing, but when it comes to the rightwing, ‘thought’ has nothing do with it. Healthy debates and exchanges of ideas are certainly the hallmark of a functional and vibrant democracy, but, umm, we don’t have one of those. Have you met President Ass-Clown Hitler?