Welcome To The US Where The Water’s Brown But Your Neighbors Better Not Be

In true 2020 fashion, today in Texas brain-eating amoebas were discovered in the water supply. The good news? Devoid of any food source, they probably won’t survive long in a republican district. And Flint, Michigan residents still can’t drink their water, but it’s a buyer’s real estate market now, right? We just need Detroit to build bigger Rams to haul the water …from Canada. Maybe the Keystone pipeline can be used for water and oil? And maybe some Molson, eh? Talk about a trade hat trick. We just have to clear it with Trudeau …and Putin. Now that’s some fine can-do American thinking. And, heck, Puerto Rico just has to wait for the next category 5 to get their water sloshing right into their house! The new American Standard? Please don’t Moen at that joke. The city of Flint is saying the water is safe in their district, but this is view is not shared by the majority of its residents, which brings us to our next problem: republicans should not be tasked with anything related to public safety. The real story? Flint is no longer an outlier, but rather a sneak peek at our new normal. We are being poisoned at the same time republican leadership—the same group with a Nugentesque Stranglehold on our courts—is stripping us of our healthcare. Hey, but any proof that republicans can do two things at once is truly mind-blowing (deadly amoebas sold separately). Is it wrong to root for the single-celled organisms at this point? Somebody get me a microscope, I wonder if all those little red nubs on those coronaviruses are tiny MAGA hats.

[‘Yeast of our problems’ joke removed by a pair a ‘meciums.]

If you still want to have a revolution over what the color of your neighbor’s skin is, you lost me. This is not the 1860s. Not interested …way beyond that shit. I don’t see color. No, really, each morning I have to ask my wife if my pants are brown or grey. MAGA subsists wholly on that red meat over at Fox and the stuff coming out of the COVID-riddled, self-inspecting meat plants. Let me know how that works out for you. Living in America is probably a preexisting condition and yet the right has this enduring childlike delusion that America has the cleanest everything. We’re number one, even though our water is starting to smell like number two.

“I will drink around the bad stuff and only breath out, not in. I’ll buy a flame retardant house in the woods and put higher stilts on my ocean property. Hell, if the bread basket dries up, so what, I shop at Safeway and Kroger anyway”

—Citizen John Q. Republican (wrote this prior to Trump’s positive COVID diagnosis).

Meanwhile our oceans are becoming significantly more stratified, which means it’s not intermingling as much thus absorbing less carbon. This will only act to further accelerate our climate crisis. Great, even our oceans are polarized and bigoted. Those H20 molecules are just hanging out in their own gentrified substrates and hoarding all the food morsels. Al least in part this is due to arctic ice melt, which is also currently slowing down our ocean’s currents. When the ocean current stops, mankind is screwed. It’ll set off a chain of events similar to 13,000 years ago when all species bottlenecked down to a few survivors.

[Longneck redneck bottle joke hurled from a moving vehicle toward a deer crossing sign.]

We need a green revolution, folks, and the fact Biden couldn’t speak to that in the debate last week is not a good portent. Not that he was really permitted to speak at all, but he could and should have answered that question. Instead of distancing yourselves from environmental progressives, Joe, you could have said, “I am not as yet decided on a full blown green revolution, but I can tell you one thing, the dumbest move on the chessboard in 2020 is your position, to do nothing in the face of our own extinction.” We need leadership, Mr. Biden. You need to be a thousand times better than Cult-45 if we stand a chance of rebounding as a species. Trump is being very clear here about his position; he just appointed a long-time climate denier, David Legates, to head NOAA.

Models are showing we don’t have decades to get our shit together, folks, we have already failed our children’s future. If republicans were right about everything else, this would still be a fatal error, literally. But they’re not, of course, I can’t think of a damn thing they’ve been right about in twenty years. They are an ideological trainwreck and we need to get these dodo birds the hell out of the way, quickly, before their shortsighted policies end us. Talk about herd mentality. Republicans don’t care about the quality of the water, only their supposed “quality” of their neighbors. Meanwhile, the content of your own character is, for lack of a better word, deplorable. We can’t allow their dictators to dictate our future. I always thought we’d try as a nation but fail to stop this climate crisis. This may be a rare Zano retraction. We are dumber than I thought and, for anyone who has read me over the years, that’s an astounding statement.

 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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