Trump’s Interpreter From Helsinki Summit ‘Falls’ From Building And Lands On Stormy Daniels

Tweet Tower—In a chain of events that many are calling suspicious, Trump’s Helsinki interpreter, Marina Gross, ‘fell’ from an eight story building earlier today and landed on porn star Stormy Daniels. The two women suffered only minor injuries as both of Stormy’s breasts were deployed at the time of impact. The interpreter is now conscious and recovering at Stormybroke Hospital. When the interpreter was asked whether or not she was pushed from the building, she replied, “тебя столкнули со здания?”, which we are being told means: ‘Were you pushed from the building?’ in Russian. The rest of the interview proved to be equally as futile.

Trump Claims Voice On Cohen Tape Is Actually Trump Alias ‘John Barron’

Tweet TowerShortly after Donald Trump’s personal lawyer handed over potentially damaging recordings to investigators, the president released a tweet stating the voice on the tape is likely that of his alter-ego, ‘John Barron’. It’s widely known that during the 80s and 90s Donald Trump often pretended to be other pro-Trump individuals during phone conversations. He presumably accomplished this by sprinkling three syllable words into the conversation. Critics are calling the president’s explanation, ‘plausible’ at least in the context of everything else he has ever said.

Post Trump’s Rump Churchill’s Chair Posted On eBay!

London—A number of British newspapers and tabloids trashed President Donald Trump’s recent visit with the Queen, particularly for his decision to plop down on Winston Churchill’s chair. The Mirror exclaimed, “How dare you!” Luckily for President Trump, he never really looks in The Mirror. Today there is a new development as the prized piece of furniture is now appearing on eBay. The Queen of England is refusing to comment on the decision, and no one in the royal family is explaining why they are suddenly willing to part with this historic piece of furniture for a mere £100.

See, Republicans Do Compromise! We Have Our First Compromised President

It’s nice to see the president get a break from this whole Russia collusion thing, so he can collude with Russia. President Donald J Trump alone in a room with a former KGB agent? What a disgrace. Maybe we will find out the truth about today’s summit someday …from the Kremlin. But, hey, at least Trump’s latest tweet barrage made me laugh. One day soon these tweets will be translated as: Why didn’t Obama stop my collusion? It happened under his watch?! Thanks Obama, I thought this was America! #SomeCollusion. Watching the last 72-hours of the Mueller machinations vs our counter-reality has reached Theater of the Bizarre levels of absurdity. Hippogroan? Oh, and this morning I caught five minutes of Neil Cavuto on Fox. Wow, talk about starting your day off far right… I am soooo done with this shit, and you should be too.

Prime Minister Of UK Fails To Brexit Pub Properly

Greenwich, ENG—After an evening of trying to forget President Trump’s visit, the UK’s Prime Minister Theresa May failed to successfully navigate the open door of a popular Greenwich pub. According to witnesses, May walked repeatedly into the wall right next to the door before finally crumpling in a heap in the entranceway. Many are wondering if the incident involved too many pints in short order, or if it signifies a shift in her political position from a ‘soft’ Brexit to a ‘much harder’ Brexit.

Last NATO Ally Meets 2% Defense Budget Expectations Just In Time To Declare War On U.S.

Brussels, BEIronically, Italy, the last NATO country to successfully budget 2% of its overall GDP to defense spending, has done so ahead of the expected 2020 deadline. Instead of cheers from The Trump House, the timing could not be worse. Super Supreme Leader Donald Trump is scrambling as the EU, Australia and Canada, currently known as the Coalition of the Cognizant, just declared war on the United States of The Donald. As rockets are launched ahead of an imminent land invasion, Trump addressed the nation via a historic tweet from his bunker deep in the Earth’s crust. “There is nothing to fear but fear itself, and those rockets, of course. Wow, there’s a lot of them!! We shall fight them on the beaches, we will defend my land and business empire, whatever your cost may be. How many characters left? Crap. #NeverSurrender!”

Coal Lobbyist Pegged To Head EPA Envisions A New ‘Screwtopia’ For America

Tweet Tower—With the head of the Environmental Protection Agency resigning amidst a sea of scandal, President Trump thought long and hard on how to make a bad situation worse. He eventually tasked his aids with creating a list of the most absurd job histories for those who might replace the disgraced Scott Pruitt. Trump said, “As soon as I saw ‘coal lobbyist’, I stopped reading the rest of the list and called my buddy Andrew Wheeler.” The president later admitted how a coal lobbyist who he would first have to pardon would have been the best choice. The president later added, “Hey, but any port in a shit-storm, right?”

Here’s some of Mr. Wheeler’s accomplishments for those not familiar with this outstanding citizen:

Top Ten Slogans Rejected By X-Box

Gathering the Top Ten Slogans Rejected by X-Box was a long and difficult process. It’s a thankless job, and payless. But when some of my pale-faced interviewees couldn’t figure out how to light their firewall because they’d never gone camping before, we were able to surround ourselves with all of the women in attendance. Social phobia seems to go hand-in-hand with video addiction. Despite this perk, camping with a bunch of avid gamers is not recommended. They did eventually give up the goods and I uncovered the top ten X-Box slogans that were ultimately rejected:

 

1.     Doing our part to lower teen pregnancy.

2.   Making it even easier to ignore your children since 2001.

3.     Objectifying virtual women in an effort to decrease the objectifying of actual women.

I Can’t Talk About Politics Rationally Anymore, But At Least There Was A Time I Could

This is no longer a contest between left and right. Our current political conflict has devolved into a fight between a functional democracy and demagogic authoritarianism. This is what happens when half our country can no longer acknowledge reality because they’re too busy ordering extra toppings for their next ‘Pizzagate’. Bonfire of the Hannitys? Our democracy is likely to lose in this wetland Drudge-match. I’m hardly giving the Dems a free pass for this soggy state of our union. Barackish water? For the pending midterms we have the motivated misinformed vs our apathetic and slightly-autistic millennials. Sure the next generation is angry, but will they ever put down their video controllers or iPhones long enough to find a voting booth? Is there a voting app that they can download before then? Hey, let’s get the people at Kaspersky to install it and maybe get some Safe Space voting booths complete with iPhone and USB ports. Even if the libs can muster the ‘testicular fortitude’ to take back one of the chambers of Congress in November, Trump’s court appointees will haunt this nation for decades to come. Kidding, we don’t have decades. Trumpocalypse DOW?

Trump Annexes The 4th Of July From Rest Of Planet!

Tweet Tower—President Trump minced no words today… kidding, that’s what he does with words. But the president did sign an important and controversial Independence Day executive order that claims the 4th day in July “is for America and America only.” Other countries located on the planet earth must honor this agreement and all world calendars must reflect these important changes by 2019, or risk additional tariffs, sanctions, and/or a barrage of hostile tweets #MakeAmerica4thAgain. Essentially this executive order demands that all countries outside of the U.S. must have calendars that go directly from July 3rd to July 5th without stopping on the fourth day in the 7th month.

*This edict is void in North Korea, Russia, and the Philippines (Turkey has an every other leap year clause).

Trump’s Interview Questions To Supreme Court Nominees Leaked!

Tweet Tower—The White House is reeling today after some of the key interview questions the president is asking each potential supreme court nominee was leaked to the press. This occurred only hours after the president announced he had narrowed the field of prospective replacements for retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy to four. The first question President Trump asked of each finalist was: Do you believe a sitting president can be indicted? And the follow up question: What if he’s standing?

Pope-style Bubble Mobiles Issued To Key Trump Officials Over Safety Concerns

Tweet Tower—In order to protect members of the Trump Administration from PBR cans, Starbucks lids, and spitballs, key members of the Trump Administration have been issued a Safe Space of their own. At least a dozen Trumpsters are being issued Secret Service protection as well as cool bubble cars. Many are calling this a natural progression as  republicans already live in a political bubble, so an actual physical bubble represents the next next logical step in their devolution. Eventually these vehicles will double as swamp fan boats so, once indicted, they can simply return to their primordial ooze.

UnPresidented? Trump To Use Temp Agency To Fill Supreme Court Vacancy

Tweet Tower—Only hours after the announcement of Justice Anthony Kennedy’s pending retirement, President Trump tweeted his intention to fill the Supreme Court vacancy in a timely manner. He later announced that he’d be using his friends at Speedy Temp to hire a competent and professional Supreme Court Justice “minus all of the usual red tape.” Moments ago the president signed an executive order that skips the whole “nomination/congressional approval thing,” which he hopes will make the transition for Supreme Court Justice Larry faster and smoother.

Trump Spotted at Sam’s Club Purchasing Pardons in Bulk

Palm Beach, Fla—As Special Counsel Robert Mueller is ramping up his activities in an effort to conclude his Russia investigation, President Trump is responding in kind. The president was seen pushing a cart full of pardons in a Sam’s Club in Palm Beach, only several miles from his Mar-a-Lago resort. Many Republicans, including the vice president, are supportive of Trump’s actions, and call the move “a necessary endeavor to protect real Americans from some fake FBI agents.”

Let’s Play, Did Any Fox-Spawned Political Scandal Prove Relevant?

If President Trump wants us all to be a little more like North Koreans, here’s my Daily Despot decree. Hear ye, hear ye, all Republicans! Authoritarianism is the opposite of freedom  …oh, and it doesn’t involve supporting your local authors either. Here’s a handy dandy scandal overview that lists the findings of our special counsels and judicial experts over the years. The conclusions of these investigations show how our right-wing types always get their day in court, but probably shouldn’t. How many thousands of news hours are wasted each year by Fox and Frauds? Hasn’t it gone on long enough? If our Republican friends devolve any further, grasping for straws will become much harder (what with the lack of opposable thumbs and all).

Liberal Restaurants To Only Serve Trump Supporters Gay Wedding Cakes

San Francisco, CA—If you enter an establishment with a certain red hat or other Trump-Related-Insensitive-Paraphernalia (aka, Bad TRIPs), you may not be able to order everything from the menu. Fear not brave populists, many restaurant owners are starting to store a few gay wedding cakes in the back, which they will gladly sell to their rightwing patrons at an inflated price. These cake toppings are often a little racy, with either bent over grooms or icing dildos for the ladies, but they are tasty. A 29% kitchen-to-table tariff will also be included in your bill and saliva can and might be added for no extra charge. It’s not that Republicans are not welcome in liberal districts anymore, they just have to order a la shart.

Chico Chica Compromise? Trump To Reunite Detained Border Crossers With ‘A’ Child

Tweet Tower—Several hundred children remain missing at this hour since the DOJ’s controversial border policy went into effect in May that separates children from those individuals attempting to cross into the U.S. illegally. Reuniting the children with their families since Trump’s recent policy reversal has proven difficult, however, as record keeping is “no longer a thing” in the Age of Trump. The White House has announced a proposed plan promising those detained at the border will receive a voucher allowing them to be reunited with the same number of children that they arrived with. The U.S. Customs and Border Agency will explain to each parent that the child may well be their own, but it is statistically unlikely. 

Border Tag Order? Children Of Illegals Tagged & Released Back Into The Wild

Tweet Tower—Abandoning all hope of a Congress-related solution, President Trump has signed an executive order today that creates the Brown Baby Research & Conservation Agency. In lieu of separating children from their families and locking them in cages after a suspected illegal border crossing, the Trump Administration has a better solution. This new government agency stationed along the US-Mexico border will humanely tag unaccompanied minors with a GPS geolocator and then release them back into the desert. Many claim this policy is not helpful and is evidence of the president doubling-down on his “Zero Tolerance” policy, or what Trump himself is calling Operation Dos Zero.