Stress is a growing workplace problem these days and, with opioids getting such a a bad rap lately, why not treat your employees to some anxiety-reducing magic? Why get a candy bar on break, when you can get a Xannie bar! Benzodiazepines are wonderful at helping workers cope with their boss, their coworkers, and provides them the piece of mind to not worry about not meeting important deadlines. Executives are excited that coworkers are getting along better and instances of grievances and complaints are dropping along with their blood pressure.
Grand Rapids, MI—Republican congressman Justin Amash (R-MI) has not only read the Mueller report in its entirety, stunning in and of itself, but he has concluded the president has engaged in impeachable offenses. The news has both Democrats and the scientific community scratching their heads. Since his public declaration on Monday, congressman Amash is awash with requests to have his brain studied by science, preferably post-mortem. The discovery has many political scientists and neuro-beurocratologists begging the question, how could someone who can process information still be a registered republican? It’s like Catch-22, only worse. Yeah, it’s like a Catch-23.
Two key GOP factions have emerged in recent years, the greedy part and the eager-to-blow-shit-up part. Both sides seem determined to lead our country to ruin. It’s like Death Race 2000 only there are no points for running people over. In fact, there are no points to it at all. As things escalate with Tehran, many believe our president represents the best chance to keep the warmongers within his own administration in check. Whereas there’s some truth to that statement, it’s not horribly comforting. There’s a difference between a firewall and a dumpster fire. It’s kind of like having the eight year old watch the four year old …except neither of them are that old.
If America was ever contemplating a major overhaul to its system of government, now would be that time. Think about it, the Brits have the likes of Nigel Farage. I just like saying Nigel Farage. How are we supposed to compete with a system of government that comes complete with names like that? We.Can’t. Our founding fathers couldn’t have possibly seen this coming, but here we are Nigel Farageless and contemplating adopting a new system of government. In fact, I am suggesting we adopt the identical system of government to the one we abandoned over two centuries ago to start our own fledgling experiment in democracy. Overall our government has functioned reasonably well over that time, but today our system has been hijacked—more specifically, it has been hijacked by stupid people. My assessment of our democracy? We need something decidedly more stupid-people-proof, and we need the likes of Nigel Farage, or at least a system of government capable of producing people with names equally as fabulous.
The Frozen North—Prime Minister of Canada Justin Trudeau has announced his decision to deploy Mounties to the border on the news that droves of Americans are flooding northward in an attempt to better meet their healthcare needs. Trudeau had a stern message for his southern neighbors today, “I have authorized the redeployment of 17,000 Canadian Mounties to our southern border. I’m sending the horses later as there was a bit of a mix up. But sorry America, Canada is full, so kindly piss off. Go fix your own healthcare system and don’t over-strain ours. Of course we have coverage for strains and you probably don’t, but whose fault is that? I’d suggest you get your head scanned, but that’s probably not covered either. Turn your heads around now and cough, because the only medical care you’re going to get at the Canadian border is a free prostate exam!”
Pyongyang, NK—Kim Jong Un is downplaying both the launching of three long distance rockets this week and the decision to name each of them after west coast U.S. cities. The Supreme Leader of North Korea told the press today, “These are cities I would like to visit, to reign down a sea of fire and radioactivity, or maybe go on a bar crawl. I will let you know. Look, it’s better than my first nicknames: Trump, Pence and Kellyanne. Only need one missile for that.”
London, ENG—Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex, have welcomed their new baby ….something or other. The latest arrival joins the royal family seventh in line to the throne, well, that was until moments ago. British Intelligence is reporting that the other six individuals ahead of baby Squidward’s claim to the throne are all currently missing and presumed devoured. Thus far the Queen is downplaying the disappearances and what appears to be the baby’s profound precognetic abilities, which those close to the Queen say has already, “Ruined Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, and the next seven Wimbledons.”
I haven’t mentioned my Democratic dream ticket yet here on The Discord, primarily because I.Don’t.Have.One. After hearing my first Obama speech in 2007, I immediately got that fabled Mathewsuian “thrill up my leg,” and then I hoped he’d pick Joe as VP, because, hell, I have another leg, dammit! And, thankfully, he did—a decision Obama later called “among his best.” Granted, this election is thus far devoid of any leg thrills, but there’s one key mission in 2020: what is the best ticket to beat Herr Ass-clown? And I’m not talking about beating our president in a leather-clad-Stormy-Daniels-with-a-rolled-up-newspaper kind of way. I would, but I can’t comment on a bending investigation. I wonder if Trump’s ass is like Silly Putty and, after the hooker spanks him with a newspaper, you can still read Hannity’s talking points? Inquiring minds want to …buy the Enquirer! Wow. That Stormy image will stick in your brain forever, so I’m already sorry about this article. Can I call a Muellerigan? Back to the general election in 2020 …which is hindsight² …which is not something I’m apparently capable of today. Image still there… burning putty image…
[Winslow: Strong work, Zano, we’re already out of ellipses. I’ve ordered more.]
I sat through the whole “hearing” yesterday and no surprise, it was surprisingly horrible. History is going to look back to that day, not as the beginning of the end of Trump, but as the beginning of the end of our republic. But forget about all of Barr’s predictable lies for a moment and our republic’s pending demise, what Strzok me during this partisan senator banter is how the two political realities are now fully realized and complete. It reminds me of the Tulpa from Tibetan mysticism, except those are created by communal thought-forms and the Republican variety has little to do with thinking. So let’s call them the reverse, Apluts. Since half our country has concentrated so hard on the same things they’ve willed to life their own partisan scandal monsters. These Aplut entities now have a life of their own and can function independently, which is more than I can say for our president. If my hypothesis is correct, maybe the next time we look under that pizza parlor, aka the front for a child sex ring operation with links to the Clintons, it will actually have a basement. This week’s proceedings would have been better suited for a Hannity segment than the senate chambers. It’s one thing to be wrong all the time because you can only get Levin or Savage in your trailer, but these exchanges occurred in the heart of our democratic institutions. Good thing no one lit a match in that place. Guy Fartes Day? That would be a great holiday, eh, we could celebrate the exploding of Capitol Hill each year by eating bean burritos and warm cola. Somehow fitting.
Tweet Tower—In a surprise ceremony, President Trump presented Attorney General William Barr the Medal of Freedom for his uncommon valor in the face of a barrage of unpleasant facts during yesterday’s Senate hearing. The president told the press today, “He’s a great American and if I’m going to be free, he’s going to be free #FreeToo. Next week I’m getting him a Medal of Honor, a Pulitzer, an Oscar, and an Olympic gold medal, maybe for curling because no one will miss one of those. Our new AG is also getting some free coupons to stay at Trump Tower Pyongyang. Ooops, scratch that. And best of all, we use a punch card thing now for all pre-pardons, so like your tenth crime is on us, or, in this case, for us. I punched the whole card! See what you could have gotten, Mr. Refusalcusal?! Play ball next time, Mr. Magoo!!”
John Nerst, a self-described Nerstian, created a potential new field of study he calls Erisology. He named this budding discipline after Eris, the Greek goddess of Discord, so he had me from “hello!” Nerst hopes to spotlight the misconceptions surrounding today’s debates as well as the perspectives, assumptions, and worldviews currently hindering our daily discourse. Biases are certainly bogging us down a bit—a recent example? After a 22-month investigation, the Mueller report changed about ten people’s minds across America. Most of us remain either in the full exoneration, or hang ’em from the nearest tree camp. In the interests of bipartisanship, why can’t we do both? Authentic exchanges are exceedingly rare these days, just check out that last sentence. Nerst is proposing some rules of engagement with the hopes of saving the debate and perhaps limit the impact of our increased polarization. On that note, I asked Mr. Nerst to debate me at the next Let’s Hang Trump From The Nearest Tree Meetup Group, but he has yet to FB message me.
What have I been up to lately, besides bingeing on “true” horror stories and proofing my latest novel? After celebrating Patriot’s Day, I also hit one of the rare and lonely rivers which cuts through southern Arizona, the San Pedro. But enough about me; today I intend to actually finish something I started. I hope my parents haven’t just fainted. It involves the environment and how there may still be time to save it.
U.S.A, U.S.A!—Shortly after announcing his presidential bid, the Joe Biden campaign unleashed hundreds of overly affectionate robotic surrogates on an unsuspecting countryside. This Army of Artificial Presidential Replicants (AAPRs), or ‘A.I. Joes’, are sweeping the nation. Yes, they have a sweeper feature! In fact, the Veep is so good at cleaning up our streets after the 45th president, he’s already being sued by the makers of Rumba. These political rovers, or ‘Joeborgs’, are capable of both waving out of the limo window and/or shouting random gaffes at passersby. Amidst the largest field in history, Biden explained his decision to go high-tech, “I think the best way to connect with millennials today is to have USB ports. Besides, as a kid I always loved ice cream trucks, so what better way to bridge the gap between old and new than by having children running after a limo with a robot of me in it? There’s also a second robot of me actually driving the thing! And don’t worry mom and dad, the gun turrets are just a deterrent. The Secret Cyberdyne Service insisted.”
My friend and blogvesary has more questions about the Russia probe, but, suffice to say, Warren Zevon just went home with a waitress with Russian ties and that ended badly—offhand this seems much worse. Here’s another long comment from my friend that deserves a more in depth response. Enjoy!
Pokey: Here’s some of your recent quotes, Zano: “Trump’s peeps lied across the board,” “web of wrongdoing,” “Trump’s clear felonies.” These are more generalizations. Specifics please.
[Winslow: you crashed the server again, Zano. Think summary.]
Crystal Lake—Camp Crystal Lake Watersport Rentals & Bait Shop is closing its doors forever. The family business, established in 1980, has survived a dozen killing sprees that left most of their customers unable to pay for the unreturned or damaged equipment. Owner Bud ‘Buddy’ Drake said, “We almost never get our canoes or kayaks returned, and when we do we spend all day hosing off the blood. We kept thinking things were going to end with Friday the 13: The Final Chapter and then Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, but, no, the guy’s like a bad penny—a bad penny that chops kids up every couple of years. Then when Jason Voorhees moved to Manhattan we thought, finally, shit’s going to get back to normal around here, but we were wrong again. This latest batch of murders is the last straw. This group rented two canoes, one kayak, and a jet-ski. We only recovered the jet-ski …from a tree. I’m done. The Voorhees have been nothing but trouble for these parts. My wife and I are thinking about opening up an auto repair shop up over in Haddonfield. The grand opening is set for the end of October.”
Tweet Tower—The American flag is recounting its harrowing tale of assault and abuse today at the hands of the president of the United States. In an exclusive Discord interview, the flag describes a series of disturbing situations while in the presence of Donald Trump. “These events made me want to self-drone myself to the dry-cleaner,” said the flag. “Amazon Prime would help with the logistics, but I had mixed feeling because I hate Jeff Bezos. That bastard is going to replace all flags with robot flags!” According to allegations the president repeatedly hugged and even “dry humped” the American flag without consent, an act many liberal flagtivists are calling unseamly. See what I did there?
My friend and blogvesary is at it again, blasting out of my comment section like a sirocco, blazing across the land, into your home, slamming into your website like a supercharged nano-particle of unobtainium! Fine, that’s George Knapp, but my friend probably inspired his opening. Today on Discord Crossfire, Pokey is accusing me of not answering any of his fictional questions. I don’t feel I need to justify my actions, articles, voting record, predictions, or criminal background *cough* …but maybe, just maybe, he should. My friend is still touting the merits of Spygate over Russiagate, aka Obama/Lynch = Guilty and Trump/Cohorts = Innocent. Carl Sagan once said, “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence,” and amidst this 2019 political landscape, I think anything espoused by a rightwinger now requires a Atlantis-is-ruled-by-sasquatches level of proof. The onus is on you and your ilk to prove your non-stop, nonsensical non-sequiturs. [Retraction: you’re probably right, keep digging and maybe you’ll emerge on the other side of these scandals]. Hollow Birther theory? The Repubtilian agenda?
The Universe—The recent picture of a black hole, the first of its kind, has many scratching their heads today. Is there a connection between time/space and the Trump/race continuum? Is this truly an image of a black hole, or a White Nationalist Dwarf? Whereas some theorize this is proof the universe is deplorable, others suggest it’s evidence the universe is hollow & graphic in nature. Science has been grappling with these two related cosmic questions for decades: what is the true nature of both the universe and the president’s hair-dome? At least one scientist believes the two areas of inquiry can be connected in one Grand Polarized Theory, or what he is privately calling the Bigly Bang Theory.
Tweet Tower—It’s hard to grasp the full descent of American politics in 2019, a time when watching certain news sources makes you less informed and listening to a SOTU address will make you a little less aware of our actual State of our Union. As for Russiagate, I knew annulment was a longshot and the last best hope for a course correction has apparently fizzled. Now this country and this planet will bear the brunt of the rest of this populist shit show. Just as it’s hard to tell a Republican president with Dementia from the usual variety. It’s similarly difficult to distinguish legal business dealings from blatantly criminal ones. These lines are becoming forever blurred as we shift deeper into this late stage democracy. Our political scheissgeist reminds me of when Gozer the Gozerian demanded that the Ghostbusters, “Choose the form of the Destructor!” And then a moment later said, “The choice is made.” Venkman is like, “Whoa, wait a minute! Liberals, did you choose anything?” No. “Independents, did you choose anything?” No. “Republicans?” …It just popped into our head. That guy from The Apprentice, a selfmade businessman, a real Atlas Shrugged guy, a man who couldn’t possibly mean capitalism any harm.
“The Grifter has come.”