After A Contentious First Round Tonight’s Debate To Include ‘Cone Of Silence’ Feature

 

Amidst last night’s edgy debate two clear and separate factions of the Democratic party have emerged. Many feel such heated exchanges are not suitable for all progressives and could emotionally scar viewers and participants alike. Under pressure from the Democratic National Committee, CNN has agreed to alter their format for tonight’s debate to accommodate these concerns. Moving forward if a participant becomes frightened by any mention of a potential segregationist, misogynist, racist, or by someone believed to have seen a Mel Brooks film in a theater, they can take a brief timeout to collect themselves, get some snacks, or even grab a shower. CNN is also working diligently to install real-time ‘cone of silence’ technology that can descend over the heads of those offended in the hopes of blocking out potentially trauma-inducing viewpoints and ideas. Home viewers are encouraged to hover a finger over their volume control or mute buttons.

Oceanmandering? Can Liberals Fight Gerrymandering Through Guided Sea Level Rise

Liberal-leaning engineers are covertly altering coastal drainage plans to influence which political districts will be most impacted by rising sea levels. Directing our ocean waters into key swing districts through District Drainage Manipulation (DDM) could all but eliminate the unfair voter-redistricting advantage currently enjoyed by Republicans. This important initiative does not have to seek the approval of the Supreme Court, unless we direct some of the seawater into their chambers, of course, ha ha (which is actually part of phase II. Phase III involves some beachfront property that sounds like Bar-a-Blotto). Weaponizing coastal flooding is not a new ideawell, maybe it isbut the concept of District Drainage Manipulation has many left-wingers wondering, “why not make that blue wave happen one way or another?” The pilot is set to occur along the New Jersey shore. Many of today’s music greats are already on-board and are organizing a massive Live Aid-style concert this summer to fund Project Oceanmandering at Seaside Heights, NJ. Rumor has it they have settled on the name Flood The Vote.

Unqualified Discord Staffer Willing To Screen For Potentially Dangerous Breast Implants

In the wake of the news of the recall of some potentially hazardous breast implants, at least one intrepid paraprofessional wannabe is taking action. An anonymous Discord staffer is looking to “get out in front on this one” for the purpose of keeping abreast of the situation. He claims to only want to help those women who may have received the textured, and now recalled, implants. “Since they’re textured it’s reasonable to assume that if I squeeze these puppies long enough, I can identify the dangerous ones. To keep this screening totally scientific I’ll also need a pair of control groups, let’s call them left and right. One control group will be comprised of individuals who believe they received the smooth/safer implants, and a second control group who never had any implants at all but just likes to be fondled.”

On The 50 Year Anniversary Of Moon Landing NASA Admits: “Most Of Apollo 11’s Luggage Ended Up On Mars”

WashingtonThe National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) continues to deny any and all rumors suggesting the moon landing was a Hollywood-staged fake. But the aerospace giant is admitting today that there was a huge snafu with Apollo 11’s luggage. Many are blaming the arrival of a number of the crew’s personal items on Mars as a gross miscalculation. Ironically the luggage crash-landed on the red planet almost fifty years to the day of the Apollo’s historic moon landing. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Space Consultation Services, said, “The Apollo Guidance Systems were all functioning well, but our equipment is only as good as the goons loading the luggage onto the booster rocket shortly before takeoff. As for your next question, no, they were not supposed to load anything onto the booster rocket.”

The Dunce And Future King

It’s not hard to find a soft spot in your heart for minorities, women, the poor, our LBGTQ population, even our safe-spacing snowflakes, but it’s becoming impossible to stomach the actions and deeds of our rightwing friends, isn’t it? How long can the Republican elite continue to defend Trump’s shenanigans? We have caught glimpses of those mysterious conservative moments of accountability; those times when enough politicians clearly condemn a policy, tweet, or action, but these are rare. Hell, we know more about the ocean floor than we do of the depths to which an average Republican is willing to sink. Where is James Cameron and his Deepsea Challenger when you need him? Mr. Cameron is reaching depths of 2,000 feet and he’s slipping beneath the thermal layer where all the sea creatures use bioluminescence to let each other know where the BBQs are. Then he reaches the rather obnoxious Netanyahu layer before catching his first glimpse of the Ayatollah level, currently under sanctions. He’s now at the soul crushing Jihadist depths where a group of fish are attacking a Starkist cartoonist for his depiction of their tuna god. Another few minutes into the voyage, Mr. Cameron shouts, “I can see it! I can see the top of Trump’s head, and it’s a comb over! Repeat, for God and country, it’s a comb over!!”

Bullshit Overwhelms All 35 White House Bathrooms

Tweet TowerAccording to custodial historians, The White House’s septic system has functioned exceptionally well since Howard Taft hosted an ill-fated Roman banquet and treasure bath in the summer of 1912. Over the last two plus years, however, the sheer amount of bullshit, or what pundits are calling Foxal Matter, has surpassed the historic site’s maximum crapacity.

Herr Trump: The Unter President, Revisited

With the shadow of the 2020 election coming over the horizon, like the Death Star over Scarif, I think it’s time to assess our current fearless leader’s performance. Not at a Zano “FOR JEDDAH!” level, but a more empirical one. I will revisit an article I once wrote, or rather the platform spelled out therein: Trump’s promise/wish list back in 2015. Our Commander in Chief made many promises. Let’s take another look at where those promises are at today …FOR JEDDAH!!!!

Justin Amash Must Produce Doctor Note Proving He’s Still Stupid Or Will Lose Oversight Committee Seat

WashingtonAfter reading the full Mueller report and suggesting impeachment proceedings are warranted, Congressman Justin Amash (R-MI) has clearly displayed, in public, that he can both read and process information, an ability today’s GOP considers: witchcraft, sorcery, alchemy and/or above the dignity of his office. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said, “The last thing this party needs is someone with an IQ at or above that of a turnip. How can I keep my peeps doing all these terrible things if they start to think for themselves? Not going to happen on my watch. Sometimes just a good blow to the head can fix these young upstarts. Not sure what region of the head should be targeted, of course, if I did know I’d have to resign from my post.”

Comprehensive Immigration Reform And My Decision To Start A New Life In Honduras

We need comprehensive immigration reform. It’s so bad at our southern border right now that even I wish Trump would appoint a head of Homeland Security. Don’t worry, even though both sides of the aisle can finally agree on the problem, a viable solution is not on the horizon. Certainly some of this surge in migrants is the perception that the U.S. may be on the verge of closing its doors forever …with a wall …equipped with sharks …with friggin’ lasers on their heads. Don’t laugh, that’s the latest executive request that Pelosi is desperately trying to block all funding for. Senior staffers admit that, as a pragmatist, she hates the sharks-in-the-desert thing, but would like to hear more about the lasers-mounted-on-their-heads thing. Mexicans are probably chuckling at Trump’s imaginary wall, but what if Guatemala only gets Fox News? The idea of a thousand mile wall comes with some now-or-never implications. It’s forcing those latitudenally challenged to act now, or risk remaining in their own “shit-hole country” indefinitely. Did Trump’s imaginary wall cause you or a loved one severe emotional distress while attempting to cross the U.S. southern border? Have lasers mounted on sharks injured you or a family member? You may be eligible for a cash reward. That’s it! Let’s cut off their emergency room access and just assign each illegal immigrant a lawyer. Latigation? Amidst this vulture-capitalistic wasteland we now find ourselves, this might be one area we can find some common legal ground.

Mueller Equipped With Self-Vocal-Redaction Software For Upcoming Committee Hearings

Washington—Don’t get too excited, folks, although Robert Mueller has agreed to testify before two separate house committees on July 17th, the Special Counsel has already been fitted with the latest voice-redaction-software known to man, or VRS. Mueller argues he needs this software to be sure he doesn’t say anything relevant to the most critical investigation in recent U.S. history. He also wants to avoid commenting on any of the president’s Gazillions of Dr. Evil-like pending investigations. He told the press, “My nearly 500 hundred page legalese opus, based on David Lynch’s Klingon adaptation of Finnegans Wake, speaks for itself. Oh, and I picked up the voice-redaction-software, cheap, from the same guy who sold Hillary Clinton that BleachBit to wipe her private server.”

The Answer? Just Resurrect The Iran Deal And Call It The Trump Deal

There’s only one way to avoid the pending Iran debacle and the solution reminds me of that time on the Millennium Falcon when Han Solo encouraged C3P0 to: Let the Wookiee win.” If we’re going to spare some blood and treasure by avoiding another senseless war, to say nothing of getting our arms pulled out of their sockets, we need to heed Han’s advice on this one. What if we re-sign the same Iran Deal with the addition of some Trump accolades, a bucket of exclamation points, several hashtags, and then drop the Flesch-Kincaid reading level to accommodate the typical Fox viewer? I guarantee you our president hasn’t read even one sentence of the original agreement, so he won’t notice. If someone within the Trump administration would back my scheme then We.Got.This.Shit. Disaster averted. If everyone both here and abroad would agree to be in on the joke we could resurrect the Iran Deal, call it the Trump Deal, and effectively let the Wookiee win.

Let’s Work Diligently To Keep Republicanism Safe, Legal, and Rare

Maybe this wasn’t the best tagline to support someone’s right to choose, but it’s certainly fits the bill for today’s GOP, doesn’t it? No, this is not an article about abortion rights. Today I’m contemplating the disturbing rise of populism and if there’s still time to do anything about it. My blogvesary has been goading me into an abortion debate for a long time to which I will only say this: the mother should have the right to an abortion in cases when a child is at clear risk of becoming a registered Republican. Sorry, I don’t think men get to have this debate. We don’t have the equipment and we tend to be jerks (or 0 for 2 …you know, like your last two presidents). Facing overpopulation and potential extinction maybe our steadily decreasing abortion rates shouldn’t be our biggest concern in 2020. What concerns me is the uncanny ability of our conservative friends to weaponize such religiously-charged issues to bolster their ongoing/confounding relevance and electoral successes—successes that, not only fly in the face of logic, but cause other unseemly things to happen to said logical face.

[Erase burning image of Spock’s cameo in Something About Mary, erase burning image of Spock’s cameo in Something about Mary. Take shower.]

In Show Of Good Faith DNC Offers Trump All Expense Paid Vaca To Certain Dominican Republic Resort

Punta Cana, DR—The Democratic National Committee has offered what is being called a “good faith gesture” to the president and his senior staffers today. The DNC purchased an all expense paid week of “sun and fun in the Dominican Republic” for the Trump crime family. In the wake of recent events on the ill-fated island, many conservative pundits are crying foul. For some the timing, which comes at the heels of a series of mysterious deaths of several guests at the very same resort, is not a coincidence. The head of the DNC Tom Perez is denying any wrongdoing: “As a fiscally responsible party, we liberals are always motivated to find the best exotic deals, even if such savings are associated with a known death trap *cough*, I mean Caribbean paradise.”