Tweet Tower—Members of Politifact, FactCheck.org and Snopes are threatening to permanently log-off the job after President Trump announced earlier today that he would be cutting their overtime pay. These pay cuts are designed to help finance both fixing the nation’s infrastructure as well as military equipment designed to obliterate the nation’s infrastructure. “Or at least the infrastructure of our more liberal towns and cities,” clarified Kellyanne Conway. “We can make a seamless transition to much more affordable, alternative-fact checkers. Those folks can lie around the clock for a mere fraction of the cost to the tax payer.”
Pokey is singlehandedly blowing up our comment threads again, which is actually a welcome change from the usual spam. As tradition dictates, most of his comments equate to the old rightwing bait-n-switch. Whether he realizes it or not, the right’s recent social media two-step is an effort to quell the increasing cognitive dissonance and avoid the whole, ‘Oops, we kind of elected a braindead fascist to run the free world.’ What’s the worst that could happen? I’m actually fine with a full collapse, anything to avoid having to binge watch the next season of Netflix’s Gotham. Just throw out your copy of the Constitution, Pokey, your president already has. Kidding, he never had one.
Tweet Tower—Why was the fight-or-flight response triggered in so many of us in November? Some mental health professionals are calling it Post Election Stress Disorder, but I think it’s more of an Acute Trump Response. I admit I’m having a hard time adjusting to the grim realities of a republican super-majority. Once spooked, our sympathetic nervous system floods our body with hormones. And here I was blaming all the IPAs for my man boobs. Say you’re snorkeling and a large dark shape darts passed you. Your body might be on a heightened state of alert for some time, even long after security escorts you out of the aquarium. As for this shark named Trump, all the beer in Milwaukee doesn’t seem to be quelling this heightened state of unease (burp). So to pass the time until the collapse, why not invest in some stocks in the Bro or the Manziere?
Antarctica—Many believe this blurry, badly photoshopped image of former Vice President Al Gore is genuine. He appears to be digging along the edge of a giant fissure currently forming across an ice shelf in Antarctica. The picture, taken by military aircraft, has many asking: is Al Gore the cause of this fissure or is he simply trying to accelerate the impact of climate change for monetary gain? Mr. Gore is not returning our calls, which only lends credence to our theory that he’s way out on the eastern side of the Antarctic Peninsula where cell service is notoriously sketchy.
Tweet Tower—Did you listen to that entire press conference? It was like reading Lord of the Rings backwards. We must get the One Coherent Thought from Mt. Doom back to that pub in the Shire! At this rate by 2020 the GOP can just legislate by scribbling their laws on the walls of a truck stop restroom. Maybe Betsy DeVos can do some in-house Sharpie corrections, or, in this case, outhouse. The rightwing brain trusts are somehow defending this new brand of regal gibberish. “Boy, he really showed them, didn’t he!” Yes. He showed them what a fucking idiot he is. It was like watching a kid with ADD trying to give a lecture on quadratic equations in a strip club. The hodgepodge of tangential falsehoods came at a such dizzying speed that Trump’s lucky he didn’t break the clown barrier. The heads of our poor fact-checkers must have been spinning faster than a pole dancer on an 8-ball. Fine, I’m writing this at a strip club. Sue me …Trump probably will.
Taos, NM—Paleoproctologist, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube is back in the news today. The controversial scholar has announced his intention to create a facility off the coast of South America for the purpose of cloning dinosaur tissue. Dr. Hogbein told the press he plans to “bring taco Tuesday up a notch.” Critics of the proposal are concerned about a Jurassic Park-style incident occurring at the facility. Dr. Hogbein has since downplayed the possibility of this scenario. “What part of cloning ‘just enough dinosaur meat to put in taco’ do you no comprende?” said Dr. Hogbein. “So you think some ground chuckosaursus may end up roaming around my island? Or maybe a pterotacosaur is going to flap over to the mainland to start a taco-breeding population? This is about eating them, people, with shredded cheddar and some salsa.”
Burlington, VT—Sixteen-year-old Trent Drury admitted earlier today how he and two of his friends are responsible for summoning the current president from the nether realms. The boy told reporters, “Sorry everyone, we really didn’t think it would work. We thought Ouija was just a another game like Monopoly, Clue or that Evil Dead book made from human flesh. We want people to know what really happened, because the electoral college thing just isn’t a plausible explanation. We are hoping now Mr. Trump can be properly impeached, or at least exorcised.”
Fellow Discord contributor Pokey McDooris had some thoughtful comments after my last feature—blatantly wrong, but thoughtful. At one point he implied how either a Trump or a Sanders vote signified a vote against the establishment. Whereas that is certainly true on some level, it’s like confusing apples to orangutans. Those two politicians represent either end of the political and evolutional spectrum. It’s like comparing the 21st century politics to the dark ages, or Usain Bolt to Slowpoke Rodriquez, or Bowie to Bieber (gasp). Whereas a Sanders wouldn’t dream of breaking the rule of law, Trump will break everything, including wind. Shart of the Deal?
Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky told the Discord today that his company is in direct negotiations with the White House. The most successful peer-to-peer home rental company is now trying to partner with government for what they are describing as some prime unoccupied real estate. “When we think Trump appointees, we envision a lot of space,” said Chesky, “so why not start renting this shit out? When someone says empty spaces the first thought is Dr. Ben Carson, well, besides that Floyd song. As the head of the housing authority, renting out Dr. Carson’s empty suit might be a conflict of interest. Then I had that aha moment. Betsy DeVos’ paint suit represents cheap temporary lodging for all kinds of young adults who will no longer be in high school.
Taos, NM—Wordsmith and linguistics guru, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, unveiled his latest endeavor to search for a word that epitomizes today’s conservative party. Dr. Hogbein told reporters today, “I was having some Ramen noodles the other day when, on a whim, I added a dash of Emeril’s spice, Essence. I then proceeded to spill the entire steaming bowl onto my groin. That’s when I thought, the word ‘shitshow’ no longer captures the essence of today’s conservatism! We need a new word! Then I called 911 and promptly sued Emeril Lagasse.”