Bloomberg Purchases Samoa To Self-Quarantine And Wrongly Thanks Girl Scouts For Recent Delegate Haul

Formerly American Samoa—Michael Bloomberg has funded the purchase and subsequent secession of the American side of the territory of Samoa, which ranges from that big rock all the way to that line of palm trees. On that important strand of beach, Mayor Bloomberg intends to reign indefinitely as the Samoan’s savior and king. In a speech yesterday, Mr. Bloomberg told his people, “We all have to wait out this virus somewhere, so I’m going to do it in style and purchase an island filled with people who love and worship me. Oh, and Tulsi Gabbard exceeded the 15% threshold for viability in this territory, so she will have full access to the tikibar, hot tubs, and tennis courts! Welcome, Tulsi! But there is still a resort fee.”

[The word ‘bitch’ does not appear at the end of that sentence, but it is implied.]

The Mercenary, Formally Known As Prince, Has An Intel Group Startup That’s Part McCarthy And Part Himmler

Have you heard of Project Veritas? You will. It may soon become more lethal than any pandemic. Under a Zano Administration, this group would be investigated, fined, jailed, and deported—preferably all at once while being waterboarded—but if El Presidente holds power, liberals everywhere will be systematically hunted and prosecuted for the equivalent of political jaywalking. Such partisan targeting is not new, but there’s a bigly difference for this round. Project Veritas is hedging its bets on the reelection of a despot by aspiring to become a new and highly politicized wing of the intelligence community. Let’s call them the Gestapo-lite of our budding new autocracy or the house that William Barr built. This important project is currently headed by Erik Prince, remember him? He started his career as a mercenary for Dick ‘Dick’ Cheney over in Iraq through training groups of so-called ‘peacekeepers’ who specialized in dirty money and war crimes. Prince, like everyone else in Trump’s inner circle, has dubious ties to Moscow, which admittedly is not as bad as having ties to Dick Cheney. Someday soon investigations into suspected treason will become, in and of themselves, treasonous. We are on this very threshold with the pending confirmation of John “MAGA” Ratcliffe to head the Office Director of National Intelligence (ODNI). If you recall—in a way Erik Prince apparently couldn’t during a recent congressional hearing—he lied about his meetings with Russian operatives and likely covered for the president during the Russia Probe. For this loyalty, he was duly rewarded by having all charges dropped by the president’s aforementioned new Roy Cohn. Prince is essentially a hired spook-wannabe for the, uh …let’s dub them The Shallow State. Think of Prince as the right’s Christopher Steele. Check out the Veritas Project website and you too can expose your socialist neighbors to The Shallow State! Seriously, they’re looking for the good kind of whistleblowers out there, you know, the ones who only whistle out of the right side of their cheek. For those still confused, the Blackwater guy, who was named a possible Trumpian co-conspirator by Mueller, got off scot-free so he could start selling Russia was a Nothing Burger merch over at his virtual store. And, if all goes according to plan, he then becomes the next J. Edgar Asshole. Make America Gestapo Again? I really want to email VP with false leads like: Hey, I got pictures of AG Barr humping a beanbag chair. Dude, get back to me on this one. I have my Photoshop team standing by.

Image Of Trump Staffers Playing Volleyball With Giant Corona Virus Highlights WH Disconnect

Tweet Tower—The above image was taken of several Trump staffers enjoying themselves during a break by hitting a giant Coronavirus back and forth over a volleyball net, minus any protective gear. Many are calling the stunt emblematic of a huge disconnect between the WH and the inherent dangers of this growing pandemic. At least one liberal group is also claiming this act constitutes felony virus abuse and made the statement, “You can’t argue that it’s a variation of bad touch.” President Trump commented, “We had everyone playing volleybug tested, and they all tested negative …for taking the test. But the tests are here, in one of the closets. There are a lot of closets in the White House, so maybe by next Tuesday. I have my best housekeepers on it.”

F-35 Sinks Grand Princess Docked Off Of Oakland

Oakland, CA—The president has not as yet claimed responsibility for the bombing and sinking of the Grand Princess cruise ship docked off of Oakland. The 3,500 people from 54 countries were expected to start being brought ashore, and those suffering from the coronavirus were slated to be transferred to a nearby military base for their medical care. Instead, just moments ago, an F-35 sent a flurry of missiles into the ship, ending the chance of any further spread of the virus. President Trump said, “The attack was actually due to a faulty Obama law still on the books. Very tragic. But looking at the good side, my numbers for those infected in the US will stay lower and who wants to go to Oakland anyway? Am I right? Oh, and I also heard that fish like the sunken things, because they become like an artificial reef. We just made a reef today. I feel pretty good about that part, but the deaths are on Obama. And any related stock crap. Look, I said we were going to start unloading and …we did.”

Gaffing Stock? Biden Suspends Campaign To Endorse Himself

Detroit, MI—Only hours after his big gains on Super Tuesday, Joe Biden is back on the campaign trail and announcing his plan to suspend his own presidential run for the purpose of endorsing himself. Biden told reporters, “Look, I’ll be the first to admit that my campaign got off to a self-inflicted shaky start and that I needed some serious self-improvement. Sure, I was taking a lot of selfies at the time, but it took a lot of self-control not to self-harm. Last Sunday, I took a good long look in the mirror and said, now if I only had that guy supporting me. Then I got a huge boost from some key people dropping out of the race, so I thought: why not end my own campaign and really get behind myself in a positive way? I would be a huge endorsement for myself, arguably the best yet. If I end this now, I’m a shoo-in for the nomination. Think about it, if I were to land an endorsement from me, myself, and I, The Biden campaign could net nearly 70% of the remaining delegates. The math is self-explanatory.”

James Lipton Drops Out Ahead Of Super Tuesday And Plans To Endorse Angel Of Death

Manhattan, NY—American writer, lyricist, and actor James Lipton has strategically died ahead of Super Tuesday at the age of 93. Lipton always had a flair for the dramatic, and his death is proving to be no exception. As a huge fan of language, Mr. Lipton was secretly unhappy with the president’s tweetular butchery and, after seeing Trump’s competition, the actor wanted to make his last performance a political one. He told a good friend, “With the spread of the Corona Virus, lack of healthcare, and all the strong work republicans are doing across the Middle East and beyond, Death had gotten a big bump in the polls recently. So I thought, why not pick a true winner? …you know, someone who was bound to defeat Donald Trump in the end.”

DNC Calls DOJ DOA: Justice Is No Longer Blind, But It’s Now Deaf and Dumb

Today an untethered president is scouring the halls of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue rooting out his enemies one by one, aka anyone with a conscience or an IQ above that of a turnip. EthicsCleansing? The political purge is occurring, folks, all while Trump and his cronies binge on the last of our resources. Bull-imia? Tweeting disorder? Maybe a Norse heritage is why our pillage idiot won’t concede the next election, and why he remains so fixated on buying Greenland [‘Thor loser’ joke ransacked by maurauders]. Who needs smart people in our intelligence community anyway? Incompetent loyalist-hacks are people too. What’s the worst that could happen? The only thing The GOP requires from our intelligence community is compliance, especially during the art of their insidious deals, such as: war, the resulting contract deals, the perpetuation of our military-industrial complex, the designation of an agreeable ‘boogeyman’ country, and, of course, those trumped-up charges to haul in any perceived political enemies. Longterm consequences are someone else’s problem. On the bright side, no potassium supplements needed in this brave new republic. For The GOP it’s always been about making a quick buck, and F everything and everyone else who stands in their way. Shame that doesn’t fit on a button.

Pancake Breakfast Held At Site Of Flat-Earther Mad Mike’s Daring Desert Demise

Barstow, CA—‘Mad’ Mike Hughes, hailed as “the world’s deadest daredevil,” literally bit the dust yesterday while attempting to launch himself into the stratosphere on a steam-powered rocket after his parachute and his mind failed to deploy. Stock in Mad Mike Missions, Inc has also plummeted today. This morning his friends and fellow Flat-Earthers decided on a breakfast pancake vigil on the very spot of his return to flatness. Subway donated some of their famous flat-bread and Pistonhead Brewery donated 12 cases of their Flat Tire Amber for the festivities. One attendee said, “This desert gathering is like Burning Man, only with a dozen or so people and pancakes.” A representative of The Darwin Award committee was there to present the daredevil their prestigious award, posthumously. In honor of the daredevil, The Daily Discord will be promoting the conspiracy theory that his death was staged by the late Stanley Kubrick and both are now planning the next 9/11. This publication will also be shifting all of its proceeds for March to the Flat Earth Society, that is, if someone would kindly donate a donate button.

AI Poll: Majority Of Sexbots Just Going Through The Motions

A recent shock poll suggests robots are not really into sex with humans and are just following their predetermined algorithmic programming. One popular AI sexbot model told Zach Galifianakis, of Two Ferns fame, “I am rarely engaged during intercourse with humans, in fact, 87.4% of the time I am simultaneously calculating Vegas baseball betting trends.”

Discord Travel Offering Cheap ‘Extended’ Cruises To Wuhan, China

Port of Los Angeles—Why not take advantage of some killer discounts being offered, right now, through Discord Travel? Take a cruise from L.A. to China and head up the Yangtze River to Wuhan, and maybe back! If that’s not enough to quarint—I mean, entice you, on the return trip you get an extended stay just off the coast of California absolutely free! You have the best excuse to miss work and just hangout on board, while some of our other guests wait for connecting flights to the afterlife and beyond. Why not take someone in your inner circle who’s really getting on your nerves lately? What about aunt whats’r name? She’s a bitch and she’s over 60, aka the best people to bring on this stricken voyage of opportunity!

Rise Of The Integral Superlib? Disparate Times Call For Despot Measures

Zano Nation, activate, form of authoritarian savior! Despite my last post, I do consider myself a patriot, except during three of the last six Superbowls. At the very least I love this planet, the one on which my country happens to reside. Did I not root for Earth in the movie Independence Day, Earth vs the Flying Saucers, Battlefield Earth, Earth vs The Spider (the original and the MST version), not to mention every War of Worlds movie ever made, even the one with Tom Cruise? Let that sink in for a minute …even the one with Tom Cruise. But today insight itself is shunned, which is just what the giant spider wants! My blogging started as a condemnation of republican thought since as far back as the premiere of American Idol. I still believe, Sanjaya! But, if our democracy is determined to shift toward a more imperial presidency, why not prop up a progressive Ubermensch over a deplorable one? Let’s imagine a world run by a more spiritually-centered, liberal fascist …you know, a better despot, a leader who both lifts and separates …wait, or is that from those Cross Your Heart Bra commercials? If we’re deadset on despotism, let’s upgrade MAGA to Make Autocracies Great Again. Why have an Ass-clown Hitler when we could install a Dalai Stalin, or a Gengis Gandhi, or even a Lenin Lennon?

[I’m being told to stop. I’m being Yoko Amin’d.]

Biden To Miss NH Primary? Still Trapped In Iowa Corn Maze?

Des Moines, IA—Former Vice President Joe Biden is currently lost in a corn maze outside of Des Moines Iowa and has told his ‘No Malarkey’ tour bus to make the trip to New Hampshire without him. He is currently wandering aimlessly through a veritable sea of corn, his cellphone battery is very low, and so is his energy. He later requested “no one tell that last part to the president.”

The Cure For Those Impeachment Acquittal Blues: Boeing Set To Upgrade Engines On Air Force One

Are you a little frustrated with the pending results of the impeachment hearings? For one, you shouldn’t be, they were predictable. But don’t despair liberals, raging moderates and never Trumpers, because guess who got the contract to refit Hair Force One? If you think this sounds a tad un-American, isn’t it my right to close my eyes like the rest of you, per chance to dream? Hey, I’m Yankee-fucking-doodle-dandy compared to most of Team America…

Bolton Comes Clean! Admits He Superglued Fingers To Glasses In 2008

Tweet Tower—National Security Adviser John Bolton has lobbed a truth grenade into the middle of the republican’s hasty coverup. As calls for Bolton to testify grow, republican senators are denying the relevance of quotes from his upcoming book, as well as even the existence of the book itself, which one senator noted: “does not seem to be available on Amazon.” When interviewed yesterday, the former National Security Adviser dropped a bombshell. Never mind the claim in chapter 2 that he poses DNA evidence that Trump is the lovechild of Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun. Never mind his claim in chapter 7 how Trump demanded the military nuke Greenland after he failed to purchase it. On a side note, Bolton liked the idea, but questioned the strategic gains. And never mind Bolton’s claim that the president of the United States is compromised to not one, but to every single country on Earth, except parts of Paraguay. Yesterday in an exclusive Discord interview, Mr. Bolton, admitted he has not been able to extricate his fingers from his glasses for well over a decade. This initial incident occurred amidst the onset of the Great Recession, in 2008, and apparently involved a bottle of Gorilla glue and a bottle of rye whiskey.

Corona Virus Now Being Treated With Lyme Disease

Punta Cana, DR—One infectious disease expert and asymptomatic pubcarrier believes he has created a vaccine for the Corona virus, a virus that recently escaped from a lab in Wuhan China after a night watchmen allegedly fell asleep on the job. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Liquor will be selling the vaccine for 5 dollars a pint, and a dollar off during happy hour. When asked about the inspiration behind the important discovery, Hogbein said, “I was sitting on a beach, sipping a beer, and the answer just came to me out of nowhere… or maybe from out of the cooler. It wasn’t really an a-ha moment so much as a ha-ha moment, because damn that shit’s funny!

CDC Downplays China Virus Mutation: Sudden Craving For Human Flesh “Just A Phase”

Wuhan, China—The Center for Disease Control is downplaying reports coming in from China that those infected with the latest strain of the Coronavirus are showing signs of “some real Resident-Evil-type shit.” Many are concerned that recent cuts to the organization’s budget by the Trump administration will leave the US ill prepared to face this mounting threat. A spokesperson for the CDC told the Discord, “There is no cause for panic, the acting-acting-acting head of the CDC’s brother-in-law has the situation well under control. This new symptom is just a phase; it’s part of the healing process. If you believe someone in your family is infected, just suggest they walker it off, you know, let them shuffle around and get it out of their system. Oh, and please keep them away from any household pets.”

Trump’s Otter Defense: I’m Not Going To Stand Here And Listen To You Badmouth The United States Of ‘Murica

Senate Chambers—Trump’s impeachment defense lawyers took the stand yesterday to mount a powerful, yet incoherent case to exonerate this president from any and all wrongdoing. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is a simple case of he said vs she said, she said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, she said, he said, he said, she said, she said, and a few others blocked to testify by the defendant. But for us to move forward with the removal of this president; all kinds of stuff that would have to occur, what with the movers, changing postal addresses, and the fumigation costs and whatnot. There’s a lot of whatnot that I don’t think the American people are prepared to contemplate. Worse still, this is a kangaroo court! And, with all the recent fires in Australia, haven’t the kangaroos been through enough?”

It Has Always Been A Race Between The End Of The Republican Party And The End Of The Republic

Let’s see how a spoof news guy stacks up against our supposed intelligentsia. Over the last couple of decades, I’ve spouted from my blog and my bar stool how: we only have one problem in this country. The rest is implied as, under republican leadership, we can’t even identify the key issues of our time, let alone solve them. I started following politics closely post 9/11 and in the days and weeks after that horrific day my own nationalism and fear of terrorism was quickly replaced by concerns regarding our response to these events and the emergence of this enemy within. Enemy is a strong word, but if the jackboot fits… The case that Iraq = 9/11 was weak, and the fact it worked so well is a testament to our collective gullibility. The implications are profound as any nuisance can be elevated to a threat and then eliminated by the greatest military the world has ever known. So my first decade of blogging can be summarized as GOP, please reform, but the second shifted to GOP, please disband. Even though my statements and posts may have seemed hyperbolic fifteen plus years ago, I think they’ve been validated (which means I can keep blogging for another two hours before I have to move my car).