Chesapeake Bay—A Russian freighter, the Любовь Путин, was seized by Coast Guard personnel earlier today in the Chesapeake Bay. The ship, which hailed from Moscow, was reportedly full of artificial credibility ranging from supportive fake news, to Trump achievement ribbons, to trophies that say ‘Everybody Gets a Trumpy!’ Many are concerned this only increases the perception and likelihood of pre-election collusion between President Trump and the Kremlin.
In his book, “The Origin of Consciousness”, the late author Julian Jaynes detailed a compelling case for how and why leadership became the driving force in the development of civilization. Our governments, institutions, clergy, and corporations demonstrate and depend on Jaynes’ basic premise that, in essence, “top-down organizational charts” direct the masses toward behaviors and thinking consistent with the advancement and security of humanity. Under n…ormal circumstances, history shows that those who have become good leaders have been bestowed with the intelligence and insight necessary to advance the condition of those who depend on their judgment. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Tweet Tower—President Trump is asking Congress for an additional 200 million “just to keep all those crazy half-animal things from eating my son-in-law.” This trip, which the White House is hailing as a fact-finding mission, is shaping up to be the most expensive diplomatic excursion since Nixon’s trip to the 9th circle of Dante’s hell. Critics are calling this trip “a fantasy” and “not worth a red cent-aur.” Others are asking, “Will that big lion even budge on trade?” and, “Is that the place with the Hobbits?”
Muppets vow if Grover is sent to Guantanamo, they will “unleash the furry.”
Full Grover coverage here. Tell your Congressman, “Let my Muppets go!”
Tweet Heaven—According to several reliable archangel sources, God’s patience and enthusiasm for the new U.S. administration is waning. Evangelical poster-child Pat Robertson spoke with the supreme being this morning for over an hour on the phone. Since that discussion, Robertson is preparing to either make a retraction of his earlier statement, namely how ‘Trump is God’s candidate’, or he will be announcing his new career in the food service industry. Fingers crossed, heathens!
Washington—Paul Ryan is less than pleased by the premature death of Trumpcare, a healthcare system many were calling ‘irresponsible’ and ‘stupid’. Whereas Speaker Ryan remains distraught, President Trump is already shifting his focus to other things he hopes to fuck up. Ryan told the Discord today, “All I wanted to do was destroy the poor and middle class. Is that so much to ask? I had this whole bit I was going to do after it passed. I was going to say, ‘And now for something completely indifferent.’ Damn, that would have been rad.”
Washington—The republican healthcare plan designed to replace Obamacare remains in critical condition at this hour. Trump spent the last day before the crucial vote trying to woo conservative support by learning what the word ‘woo’ means. Many in the House Freedom Caucus are attacking the Trumpcare bill from the right. Congressman Aschlocke (R-AK) told the Discord today, “The American Health Care Act can not pass in its current form. It doesn’t do nearly enough to screw up this country’s healthcare system.” When asked what it would take for the Congressman to flip his vote from a no to a yes, he said, “Trumpcare has the word ‘care’ in it. Take that shit out for starters. Republicans are looking for a plan nothing short of repeal and disgrace. Comprende? Oh, and if anyone else uses the word comprende they will be deported.”
Tweet Tower—In an effort to cut both cost and interest, the White House tour is proud to announce a President Trump narrated audio tour. You can listen to our president go room by room and talk directly into your head about all the historical items that he believes can talk directly into his. The first historical item on the tour is the James Madison tea table, which Trump is convinced can not only read his thoughts, but has encouraged him to write and post slanderous tweets at two in the morning #libel.
Washington, DC—The Secret Service has foiled the fourth attempt to breach the White House grounds in so many weeks. This latest incident occurred Sunday afternoon and involved the well-known children’s icon, Grover, of Sesame Street fame. Grover was arrested near the south entrance of the White House donning a cape and a plastic knight’s helmet. White House spokesperson Sean Spicer told the press, “Grover was arrested while attempting to climb the fence armed with volatile educational materials, educational materials deemed helpful to children.” Grover’s friend and acting attorney, Big Bird, of Fozzie, Fozzie, Fozzie, Big Bird and Elmo, received a frantic call from Grover yesterday, “They are waterboarding me in the Lincoln room (glug, glug), thank Henson I don’t require air to survive! (glug, glug). Send Muppetnator back in time to kill Cheney (glug, glug, glug).”
Tweet Tower—By all accounts President Trump’s joint press conference with the Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel, really sucked. Many in the press equate the event to watching a librarian look on helplessly as a pack of baboons ransack the silent reading area. For starters Trump refused to shake the Chancellor’s hand. He then explained, “There’s a secret ‘real’ world leader handshake, uh, you’re not a man, right?” Then Mrs. Merkel stood by silently as President Trump attempted to explain the particulars of the Obama Administration’s wiretapping escapades. “This is what that Kenyan bastard did to both of us!” said Trump, waving around a tin cup on a string. “Our surveillance equipment is more sophisticated than this, but even with these cans you can hear every word I am saying to you, right now. Who knows, they might even already have cans capable of translating Germanese directly into tweets. Wouldn’t that make leading the free world a hell of a lot easier? #universaltweetlater.”
Iowa—Jeb Turley of Podunk Falls has made a living off of his predictions, well, that and dumpster diving. Two years ago he predicted all pizza crust would come stuffed with cheese and early last year he announced Trump would become the 45th president of the United States. This year he has become obsessed with werewolves and believes they will replace mankind as the dominant species by 2024. Since 1963 Jeb has announced his prediction annually, and quite unsolicited, at a designated Podunk city council meeting. Until his Trump prediction, Jeb has never gotten a prediction right in his five decades of attempts, but now he feels like he’s “kind of on a roll.”
Zano’s recent reflections on our decade-plus debate showed some rare insights. What next, funny jokes? The causes of our nation’s polarization are many, but there’s more than meets the eye when it comes to our political divisions. I’ve recently come to the conclusion the ultra-powerful people in the world do prosper by keeping our nation divided. They do this by keeping us all focused on superficial controversies meant as a distraction from the deeper, more ominous issues threatening our sovereignty. I’ve come to believe there are international bankers who have infiltrated, compromised, and ultimately control both parties as well as every corner of the political landscape. Yes, I’m going to go a tad Rothschild/Illuminati here. Not too much, though, just a teaspoon PRN. But isn’t this the lesson from the 2004 presidential campaign? If you recall both John Kerry (D) and George W. Bush (R) had both been bum-fuck initiated into the same secret society, Skull and Bones, at Yale University. Doesn’t Skull and Bones imply piracy? Maybe there isn’t so much separating Democrats v Republicans, but the fallout does allow these international pirates to claim their booty and threaten our national sovereignty. Please don’t add a booty joke, Zano …I’m asking nicely.
Debating the merits of the Republican party is futile, because they don’t have any. Endlessly conveying to my blogvesary how discourse is dead has become Ray-Charles-at-a-shooting-range aimless. Polarization has led us to this place of irreconcilable political differences. To his credit, Pokey saw this coming too. Whereas he blames liberalism for creating an immoral societal malaise, I place the sad state of our union squarely at the doorstep of the GOP …hold the malaise? As for the media, my fear has always been that MSNBC would follow the money and become an alternate ideological echo-chamber. Fox left? This would then cause the impermeable GOP-bubble to spread libward. Whereas this is happening, my rebuttal to the Pokester remains: if your endgame was to elect a sociopathic ass-clown to the Oval Office, no one should care to review the particulars on how you reached that sad, royal turd of a conclusion. Crowning bereavement?