The Five Stages Of Republican Grief, Minus Acceptance, Applies To Every Issue Of Our Time

The Five Stages of Grief were conceived by one Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who along with her contributions to the field of psychology also knitted the first Keebler elf flag. Her stages originally applied to the human psyche as we work through the dying process—a process I have mastered during Southside Tavern comedy nights. On the Republican side of the political equation, these stages (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Depression) will continue to play out as the Republican dream dies a painful death. The problem? As long as the Breitbarts, Limbaughs and Hannitys of the world perpetuate the GOP’s ignorance, the final stage, Acceptance, will never be realized. That’s the way the conservative cookie crumbles.

[Fudge stars and stripes joke removed by the editor]

Pence Agrees To Emergency Transfusion To Help Balance The President’s Cerebrospinal Fluid

Tweet TowerAt the top of Trump Tower, to the backdrop of thunder and lightning, two Democratic Senators met secretely with Vice President Mike Pence yesterday. Senators Franken and Feinstein urged Mr. Pence to consider finding a way to help stabilize the president’s erratic behavior. They pitched their daring plot to restore some semblance of balance to the president’s temperament and brain function. Senator Al Franken (D-MN) told the Vice President, “This is not a left right thing, this is more of a the-president-of-the-United-States-is-batshit thing.”

Joe The Plumber Called In To Fix White House Leaks

Tweet Tower—President Trump brought on Anthony “the Mooch” Scaramucci last week to be the White House Communications Director. The Mooch immediately called his good friend, Joe the Plumber, to address all the leaks in the White House. President Trump told the Discord today, “Mooch is brilliant! The best Mooch! Not only is Joe already hard at work fixing those leaks, he’s also given me some good referrals for my broken cabinet. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Mr. Scaramucci is yelling profanities at some people on the lawn. I keep telling him it’s just another tour group. Relax Anthony!”

Trump Still Unsure Of Russia Meddling, The Word Collusion, Or Where That Little Bathroom Is Near The Roosevelt Room

Tweet Tower—On Monday Senior Adviser Jared Kushner announced his lack of any Russian connections, any collusion of any kind, or any real interest in Russia whatsoever, up to and including where it is located on a map. President Trump told the press today he is “proud” of his son-in-law’s ability to read a prepared statement as well as his stated lack of map-reading prowess. He then insisted the White House food “sucks” compared to his Mar-a-Lago resort, and how there are “so many bathrooms in the White House, I have yet to #2 tweet in all of them. Sad. #TwitterShitter. Speaking of draining the swamp, I need some Drano here! In the bathroom by the painting of Dolly Parton!”

Sessions Sent On Quest To Find Lost Hillary Emails @MountDoom.com

Middle-JerseyPresident Trump is caught between a rock and a cave troll regarding the fate of his Attorney General. If he fires Jeff Sessions outright it will trigger a fire swamp. So aides claim the president concocted a quest for him to retrieve Hillary’s missing emails from the Server King. President Trump told the press today, “It was either that or have him investigate who keeps peeing on the Keebler Elf tree, but that’s probably just Bannon. This journey is a better one. It should take him hundreds of beleaguers away. See what I did there?”

Down The Ratings Hole: Trump’s Adventures in Blunderland Or Fox’s Omissions Through The Not-Looking Glass

Guilt by omission is a favorite tactic of both sides of the media these days, but Hannity spent an entire hour neglecting to even acknowledge a leak suggesting our president is exploring options to fire special prosecutor Robert Mueller and pardon himself. On the night of this breaking news, Hannity and the rest of the Fox & Frauds hid safely in OJparoleville. After all, one dangerous black man in your community trumps a collapsing White House, right? The impeach-o-meter jumped a bit with the revelation that The Donald may well be muellering his choices here. Fox can get away with this selective-amnesia, because essentially Republican politicians are the checks and balances for this shit (aka, we have no checks and balances for this shit). They can push the boundaries of their alternative world to new dimensions. On this potentially historic news night the rift between Maddow/O’Donnell vs. Hannity/Carlson was astounding. My fear? With a super majority, Republicans will not address any of Trump’s shenanigans until it’s too late. If the republic does start to crumble in the days and weeks to come, we must, as the Doobie’s dictate, take it to the streets. Jesus is just alt-right with me?

Trump Threatens Fictional Russian Spy: “You Better Hope There’s No Pictures From Our ‘Date’, Natasha!”

Tweet TowerKnown Russian spy and moose fraternizer, Natasha, is back in the news again today after the president directed a series of heated tweets at her. Natasha is believed to have ties to both to the Kremlin and all the Trump women. She is known to send Melania cryptic messages that many fear are either orders or quick family meal recipes. In addition, everyone in the Trump cabinet has met with Natasha several times for fifteen minute intervals, cash only. Half of team Trump is denying the meetings ever occurred, the ones who are admitting to such meetings are denying they talked about Russian spanktions.

Swamp Thing’s Appointment To Head Homeland Security Deemed A Direct Contradiction Of Related Campaign Promise

Tweet TowerDonald Trump announced his decision today to appoint Swamp Thing to head the Department of Homeland Security. Many are already calling into question Swamp Thing’s lack of related experience, or the lack of any employment history whatsoever since a laboratory explosion forced him to reside in a nearby swamp in 1972. In a rare comment former President Barack Obama told the Discord, “Let’s set a side for a moment the question as to whether or not Swamp Thing is prepared to execute the duties and responsibilities of this key position, but how did this president ignore the obvious optics?”

Four More Attendees Of Junior’s Controversial Meeting Leaked

Tweet TowerPresident Donald Trump continues to defend his son’s decision to attempt to collude with Russian officials in an effort to aid his campaign in the run up to the 2016 election. Trump maintains his position that “anyone would have taken that meeting”, but added, “especially from my gene pool.” The president is not at all concerned the list of meeting attendees now includes General Orlov of James Bond fame, Alex Krycek from the X-files, Ivan Vanko from Iron Man 2, and that Russian boxer dude who fought Rocky in the late seventies. Confusing references a bit, Boris and Natasha are strongly denying that Rocky the flying squirrel was in attendance. “That is a load of Bullwinkle,” said Boris.

Six Reasons Trumpcare Will Fail Bigly: Or You Never Did Get That Colonoscopy It Just Feels Like It

Pains me to admit it, but I was wrong about this President! Donald Trump has shown a steady, unswerving leadership not seen in our political landscape for a long, long time. Fine, I agreed to a lobotomy while I still have health insurance, or as I’m quoted on my discharge summary, “Go big, or go pancakes!” The nurse probably didn’t add the exclamation point, but it’s the way I like to not remember it. TrumpCare doesn’t make sense for 95% of us, but should that shock anyone? Oh, speaking of which, I went with a round of electro-convulsive therapy just in k-k-k-k-case. I have battled the GOP for decades on this issue, but I remain hopeful we can restore affordable oven mitts to the American pineapples. Here are six reasons the republican’s healthcare restoration plan, should it ever manage to pass, is a shit sandwich.

Fire In Bannon’s Liquor Drawer During ‘Flaming Moe’ Attempt Triggers White House Evacuation

Washington, D.C.—The White House is downplaying a fire that started earlier today in Chief Strategist Steve Bannon’s office, or, more specifically, his liquor drawer. The fire occurred as Mr. Bannon was trying to recreate the Flaming Moe, a fictional drink of Simpsons’ fame. The flames quickly spread from the liquor drawer to one of President Trump’s auxiliary hair product drawers, and in moments the fire claimed a chair, some drapes, and a portrait of Dolly Madison. Everyone involved agrees the fire was quickly contained and could have been much worse. In a presidential tweet, President Trump calmed the American people: “Luckily we only lost a painting of that chick who made the first ice cream cone #GoodbyeDolly.”

Massive Ice Sheet Glexits Antarctica In Protest Of U.S. Decision To Drop Out Of The Paris Accords

AntarcticaAn ice sheet on the Larsen C ice shelf made a clean break yesterday from the rest of the continent. It plans to block shipping lanes, negatively impact marine ecosystems, and contribute to rising sea levels. It’s doing this to “protest the stupidity of the U.S. republican party.” One iceberg told the Discord today, “I wish I had waited until the big calving, but last month I was like screw this shit, I’m outta here. I’m trying to drift over to join them, but it’s not easy. I think people need to know large amounts of frozen water are not happy with America and, well, not to seem cliché, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.”