Now Hiring For Director Of The Federal Bureau Of Investigation: Experience A Plus, But Not Required

Tweet TowerAccording to an unnamed Discord source, the White House is behind a series of help wanted ads for the FBI directorship appearing on LinkedIn and Indeed. The controversial posting states, “Full-time, must be 18 years of age. The candidate must be a ‘yes’ man, and ‘man’ preferred. Unswerving loyalty to the president required. White privilege a must. Will train if not misogynistic, racist, or xenophobic. Good phony communication skills (not a typo). Must be willing to destroy the rule of law and protect a sociopathic man-child prone to periodic temper tantrums. Must possess knowledge of adolescent behavioral modification strategies. Prior FBI or police experience a plus, or at least watch some of the new X-File episodes prior to interview. Must be able to hide the bodies, but then not disclose where said bodies are buried. Excellent benefits (for now). Knowledge of Excel a plus.”

Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Six More Years Of Trump: Placed On Suicide Watch

Punxsutawney, PA Punxsutawney Phil is back in the news today and back on his medications. The famous Pennsylvania rodent is predicting six more years of Trump followed by a sharknado that will destroy civilization as we know it. Phil was recently diagnosed with a major depressive disorder with psychotic features, which may be playing a role in his darker than usual visions of the future. His vetritherapist claims the fluffy creature is still ‘with Hillary’ and remains a staunch liberal. This might explain Phil’s other dark predictions of an end to the UN, the FBI, the EPA, the FDA, the electoral college and parts of Rachel Maddow.

God Claims Responsibility For Derailment Of Train Carrying GOP Congress Members, Calling It “A Metaphor”

Crozet, VAGod has claimed responsibility for the derailment of a train carrying a number of Republican congressman outside of the small town of Crozet, Virginia earlier today. God stated that the attack was a response to last night’s State of the Union address. His or Her Holiness told the U.S. press today, “Do not follow this false prophet! Trump talked for friggin’-ever last night and then the Democrats got their turn to respond after his speech, so what about me? Why can’t the Supreme Being get a word in edgewise? Well, I’m done with this shit. Trump does not speak for me, hell, without a teleprompter that ass-clown can’t speak at all!”

Air Fries One? Trump’s New Self Serve Kiosk Costs Tax Payers Over Ten McMillion

The Friendly Skies—Another campaign promise was fulfilled today, a promise being hailed as a ‘special one’ to the chief. President Trump told the press, “I deserve a break today. Sometimes it’s a long flight between my hotel and my other hotel with the golf course, not to mention that place we all went last month, Camp Donald. Today, finally, I can get all my favorite meals, made fresh, whenever I want. Screw those little peanut packets that you losers get on the way to New Zealand. Me, I’m lovin’ it! Trust me, a Happy Meal makes for a happy flight …except they switched the toy to those Yo-kai Watch things. Damned Japs. You want to see time fly? I’m going to throw this foreign piece of shit out of the window at 30,000 feet. Year two of my administration I intend to make Happy Meals great again!”

The Kristol Ship: Can’t The GOP Just Get Back To Unnecessary Wars And Tanking The Economy?

Regardless of one’s political affiliation, it’s hard to dislike William Kristol of Weekly Standard fame. He, if nothing else, represents a rare voice of reason for the conservative movement. He’s always proven wrong, but he’s at least a seemingly informed know-nothing. Not surprising, Kristol is showing some buyer’s remorse amidst the new political wasteland that he and his ilk helped foment. In a recent article, he said, “Disenthrallment is not disdain. Thinking anew does not mean thinking as a progressive.” This can be roughly translated as, “With a Republican super-majority, thus in our darkest hour, we must resist the urge to turn toward anything remotely sensible.” Well, there goes the last of the Republican intelligentsia and good riddance. The Brigade will advance! Trumpeter, walk …march!”

—Charge of the Right Brigade

As Mueller Investigation Intensifies GOP Distraction Factory Working Overtime

The Republican scandal factory, known for manufacturing a long line of meaningless political diversions, is back in the news today. The CEO of the company, Rupert Murdoch, is demanding mandatory overtime for all staffers, provided they increase their production of low quality, Glenn Beck-level Foxal matter. In the wake of recent revelations, the president is losing even more sleep over this whole “Rusher thing”, so he requested his friends at Fox News step up their efforts to discredit his enemies. On the docket this week: “Why Is The President’s Own DOJ Protecting FBI Wrongdoing?”; “Is The Clinton Foundation Behind School Shootings?”; “Does Bob Mueller Have Trump Impeachment Fantasies Involving Leather?”; “Is The Deep State Listening To Your Deep Thoughts?”; “If Trump Is Indicted Should His Accusers Be Deported Or Shot?”; “Why Hasn’t Bigfoot Testified On Benghazi?”; “What Does Sasquatch Know And When Did He Know It?”

Dreamers Tar And Feather Senator Chuck Schumer Outside Of His Brooklyn Home

Brooklyn, NY—An angry mob of so-called ‘Dreamers’ gathered outside of Senator Chuck Schumer’s Brooklyn apartment last night to protest DACA’s removal from the latest round of budget negotiations. When the senator arrived at his home at 8:00 PM, he was jeered, pelted and ultimately tarred and feathered by the mob of would-be U.S. citizens. Schumer told the Discord today, “They want DACA? Now they’re not going to get kaka. I want all of these brown little shits deported. I want them out of my city and I want them out of my country. And no more ‘birds of a feather’ jokes from the press, or someone is going to meet my feathery fists of fury!”

First Monkey Clones Could Help Keep White House Staffed Until 2020

Tweet Tower—Facing the worst retention in modern history, the White House is scrambling to attempt to keep key cabinet and staff positions filled for the remainder of the Trump presidency. A clandestine laboratory somewhere in Trump Tower has announced the successful cloning of several  dozen monkeys, or cabinet member prototypes (CMPs). The project leader, who preferred to remain anonymous, said, “By this spring most of these monkeys will be ready to assume most of the key vacant government positions. At this point replacing Trump’s cabinet and staff with monkey babies should enjoy strong bipartisan support. We are certainly not saying that in a few weeks one of these monkeys might replace the president  himself …what we are saying is that we’re not, not saying that.”

What Liberals Fear Most Is A Successful Trump Presidency, And Rightly So

 

The liberal anxiety surrounding a successful Trump presidency is creeping into our comment threads lately. You don’t even want Trump to succeed, do you?! True story. Why would we ever want more people like him in power? The liberal intelligentsia is focusing on the carnage, post Trump’s downfall. Knowledge, like the GOP itself, is a burden. There’s a non-published Zano article in the archives that weighs all the potential outcomes of a Trump presidency and, yes, a triTrumphant term ranked rather low on the scrotum poll. What?! A Trump win is not going to happen, which is precisely why that post languishes in the Discord draft folder, right alongside my debunked theory: Is The Dark Web Entirely Comprised Of Dark Matter? Sorry folks, but Donald J. Trump is poised for a mega-fail, and sooner rather than later. A full Trump victory lap in 2020 is about as remote as the hut of an Aleutian tribesman suffering from social anxiety.

For Partial Government Shutdown Only Lincoln And Roosevelt Viewable At Mount Rushmore

National Parksylvania—If the looming stalemate in Congress shifts to a partial government shutdown that could prove a worst case scenario for our national parks and memorials. Park and memorial services across the country would need to scramble to make only some of their featured landscapes and monuments available to the public. There would be strict congressional guidelines involving access, fees, and available vistas. For example, if you climb into the Grand Canyon and then the partial shutdown hits, you would not be allowed to climb back out. In Wyoming at the Grand Teton National Park, only one of the Great Tits would be displayed. Even more disturbing, the necessary geological mastectomy to remove the other mound may tally in the billions. At Yosemite National Park you can get into the scenic valley, but the famous Bridalveil Falls will be turned off with a giant spigot installed during the partial government shutdown of 2013.

Trump Heads To Camp Mar-a-Lago To Review Military Options for NK And Spring Dessert Menu

Tweet Tower—In the face of a looming government shutdown and mounting criticism from home and abroad, President Trump has retreated to his safe-space to engorge himself with some of the tastiest desserts in the American southeast. Sarah Huckabee-Sanders told the press today, “The president is heading back to Mar-a-Lago as he feels he does his best thinking while digesting.” After results from his physical, the president is apparently inspired to really step-up his caloric intake. Sanders also said, “Since his habits are keeping him so exceptionally happy and healthy, the president is considering doubling his portions at meals and cramming things down his throat with little to no chewing #InhaleToTheChief.”

White House Staffer Leaks The Actual Cognitive Test Administered To The President

 

Tweet Tower—Under the increased speculation that the president is unfit for office, the White House physician administered a cognitive assessment exam earlier this week. The physician, Patsy McPassfail, said the president performed “exceedingly well” on the Montreal Cognitive Assessment test. Today, however, an unknown staffer leaked the actual test the president received. The leaked assessment contained  mostly tailored questions that the president had already answered at one time or another in tweet form. The physician also failed to follow standard scoring practices, often awarding partial credit to the president for picking something ‘right next to’ the correct answer.

The Neurobiological Proof Of The Rept-publican Brain: Left Insula V Right Amygdala

Does Donald Trump represent some political aberration, or is he fast becoming the new abnormal? Republicans themselves are certainly downplaying the president’s odd behaviors, mannerisms, fits and tweets. The reason? It’s the parallel downward tracks for both our president’s cognitive health as well as the Republican collective as a whole. There is simply not as much distance as there should be between Trump’s level of consciousness and the average Republican voter. Is there even any room left in their tent for complete sentences? Neurobiological explanations are starting to surface that offer clues as to why conservatives can’t seem to process information effectively. Meanwhile, the last of the rightwing intelligentsia is pulling an Elvis. Darryl Issa (R-CA) marks the 30th Republican retirement, and apparently the remaining brainiacs are full-blown insomniacs. Trump and Hannity reportedly get very little shut-eye, so they’re probably actively hallucinating during their important coaching sessions. Going down in a blaze of auditory? Meanwhile, Trump is the first president in history that dementia might actually help his legacy. Good thing we didn’t go with the competent woman with that terrible cough *cough*.

Post Trump’s Remarks The King Center Spares No Expense Spinning Tomb Of MLK Jr. For Entire Weekend

Atlanta, GA—The King Center has rented apparatus to have the Atlanta tomb of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. and his wife Coretta Scott King rotated for the entire MLK weekend. The center’s board of directors finalized the decision yesterday after President Trump referred to Haiti and African countries as ‘shitholes’. CEO of the center and MLK’s youngest child, Bernice King, said, “We think it’s what our father would have wanted to do this weekend, and he might actually be spinning in there anyway, so we just hope we got the direction right.”

Trump Only Agrees To Meet With Special Prosecutor On Twitter Forum

President Trump wants the Mueller’s investigation to wind down as soon as possible, but one potential delay may include the counsel’s request for a direct interview with the president. Mueller’s team wants a sit down face to face meeting, but the president made it clear he only does interviews with Sean Hannity and only when the questions are sent to him way ahead of time. The president is also requesting no more than five questions, with explanatory pictures, as well as periodic statements that he is not actually under investigation and that he’s doing a fine GREAT job as president.