Tweet Tower—National Security Adviser John Bolton has lobbed a truth grenade into the middle of the republican’s hasty coverup. As calls for Bolton to testify grow, republican senators are denying the relevance of quotes from his upcoming book, as well as even the existence of the book itself, which one senator noted: “does not seem to be available on Amazon.” When interviewed yesterday, the former National Security Adviser dropped a bombshell. Never mind the claim in chapter 2 that he poses DNA evidence that Trump is the lovechild of Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun. Never mind his claim in chapter 7 how Trump demanded the military nuke Greenland after he failed to purchase it. On a side note, Bolton liked the idea, but questioned the strategic gains. And never mind Bolton’s claim that the president of the United States is compromised to not one, but to every single country on Earth, except parts of Paraguay. Yesterday in an exclusive Discord interview, Mr. Bolton, admitted he has not been able to extricate his fingers from his glasses for well over a decade. This initial incident occurred amidst the onset of the Great Recession, in 2008, and apparently involved a bottle of Gorilla glue and a bottle of rye whiskey.
Punta Cana, DR—One infectious disease expert and asymptomatic pubcarrier believes he has created a vaccine for the Corona virus, a virus that recently escaped from a lab in Wuhan China after a night watchmen allegedly fell asleep on the job. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute & Liquor will be selling the vaccine for 5 dollars a pint, and a dollar off during happy hour. When asked about the inspiration behind the important discovery, Hogbein said, “I was sitting on a beach, sipping a beer, and the answer just came to me out of nowhere… or maybe from out of the cooler. It wasn’t really an a-ha moment so much as a ha-ha moment, because damn that shit’s funny!”
Wuhan, China—The Center for Disease Control is downplaying reports coming in from China that those infected with the latest strain of the Coronavirus are showing signs of “some real Resident-Evil-type shit.” Many are concerned that recent cuts to the organization’s budget by the Trump administration will leave the US ill prepared to face this mounting threat. A spokesperson for the CDC told the Discord, “There is no cause for panic, the acting-acting-acting head of the CDC’s brother-in-law has the situation well under control. This new symptom is just a phase; it’s part of the healing process. If you believe someone in your family is infected, just suggest they walker it off, you know, let them shuffle around and get it out of their system. Oh, and please keep them away from any household pets.”
Senate Chambers—Trump’s impeachment defense lawyers took the stand yesterday to mount a powerful, yet incoherent case to exonerate this president from any and all wrongdoing. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is a simple case of he said vs she said, she said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, he said, she said, he said, he said, she said, she said, and a few others blocked to testify by the defendant. But for us to move forward with the removal of this president; all kinds of stuff that would have to occur, what with the movers, changing postal addresses, and the fumigation costs and whatnot. There’s a lot of whatnot that I don’t think the American people are prepared to contemplate. Worse still, this is a kangaroo court! And, with all the recent fires in Australia, haven’t the kangaroos been through enough?”
In vaguely related old news, Bigfoot Subpoenaed To Testify On Benghazi.
Let’s see how a spoof news guy stacks up against our supposed intelligentsia. Over the last couple of decades, I’ve spouted from my blog and my bar stool how: we only have one problem in this country. The rest is implied as, under republican leadership, we can’t even identify the key issues of our time, let alone solve them. I started following politics closely post 9/11 and in the days and weeks after that horrific day my own nationalism and fear of terrorism was quickly replaced by concerns regarding our response to these events and the emergence of this enemy within. Enemy is a strong word, but if the jackboot fits… The case that Iraq = 9/11 was weak, and the fact it worked so well is a testament to our collective gullibility. The implications are profound as any nuisance can be elevated to a threat and then eliminated by the greatest military the world has ever known. So my first decade of blogging can be summarized as GOP, please reform, but the second shifted to GOP, please disband. Even though my statements and posts may have seemed hyperbolic fifteen plus years ago, I think they’ve been validated (which means I can keep blogging for another two hours before I have to move my car).
Dunwich, HP—The popular watering hole Last Call of Cthulhu’s is closing its portal forever after serving the greater Innsmouth area for nearly forty beers. The popular pub was known for its well drink specials such as: At The Mojitos of Madness, the Corpse Reviver XL, and their best seller, a not so basic Gin & Cthonic. The owner, an evil clergyman named Bob, only said, “It’s time,” and abruptly ended the interview by gauging out his own eyeballs before screaming his way into the sub basement. One patron said, “I liked when they played Thirsty Thresholds: anyone not dragged into the nether realms and devoured drank free! And on Mondays the first thing over the door step got half off their home brew, The Lurking Beer.” Despite the outpouring of nostalgia for the creepy place, Yelp reviews were always kind of hit and mythos.
Newark, NJ—When a reporter asked Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) about his decision to withdraw from the 2020 presidential race today, he said, “I want to spend more time with my family.” After a follow up question revealed he is currently single with no children, Mr. Booker backpedaled, mumbling something about, “Well, more time with somebody’s family, I guess. Look, I got shit to do, okay? I’m a busy man!”
Earth—After some less than savory images appeared in the Australian desert in 2019, the moon has lodged a formal complaint with the Interstellar Decency Authority (IDA). In an exclusive interview with The Discord, the Moon said, “Look, all of the man’s down unders are exposed outback, right there in the down under. Get some ground cover on that shit, maybe a nice desert vine or some climbing fig. Whereas I, the moon, keep offering Earth views of the Sea of Serenity, the Sea of Tranquility, and the like, you people treat me once a month to some full frontal nudity. Oh, but I do like that big spider over at Nazca. More like that!”
[‘Didn’t Australia start as a penal colony?’ joke covered by the editor with a patch of climbing fig.]
Tweet Tower—President Trump pulled out the old Sharpie and the whiteboard today in an attempt to quell public concerns regarding the fires currently raging in Australia. “There’s nothing to worry about as you can see here from this map,” said Trump. The president then pointed to where he believes the fires are currently located, Christchurch, New Zealand. Using a circular motion he then emphasized all of the water that exists between ‘Australia’ and the United States. Melania weighed in with some advice on how she has managed to quell her own ‘fires down under’ by offering some good referrals to a number of qualified and discrete physicians.
Barnes & Ignoble—John Bolton was again thrust into the spotlight yesterday as calls for the Former Security Adviser’s impeachment testimony grows to a deafening meh. Theories for Bolton’s reluctance to testify vary, but his voice becomes even more crucial as the president hones his latest misadventure: Operation Where’s Tehran Again? Bolton issued a statement today, “I have conflicting obligations regarding my potential congressional testimony, or lack thereof, in the upcoming, or not upcoming impeachment hearings, which I can neither confirm nor deny. There is my obligation as a citizen to testify to congress, but I also have an obligation to honor executive privilege. Thus far I have chosen to honor the wishes of the White House, because they gave me the opportunity to masturbate, not once but twice in the Pentagon’s War Room. I also have an obligation to the people of this great nation …to probably clean up after myself next time. But I can tell you this much, I will not be testifying anywhere until America stops confusing me with Grammy Award winner, Michael Bolton.”
The Discord had the chance to interview several ancient philosophers regarding the Founder’s vision of impeachment proceedings. These discussions occurred during a Ouija board session that ironically included several session IPAs from Founders. Socrates admitted from the onset that he is a SINO, or a Sophist In Name Only, but Plato immediately argued he was never considered a sophist in the first place. Plato reasoned Socrates could potentially become one through the world of the senses, but then it would be more accurate to call this an ontological becoming. Neither would discuss Trump’s situation and told us to “piss off,” because they were just starting to watch season one of Hemlock Grove on Netflix. The sophist Zeno of Elea did comment on the impeachment by reminding everyone how an infinite number of halfway points exist between the House and the Senate, and since no one can traverse an infinite number of anything, he argued the Articles of Impeachment could never truly reach Mitch McConnell’s desk. He recommended both sides visit his pub at Penn State instead, but then argued against the journey by citing the same ‘motion is illusion’ premise.
Sarajevo, Bosnia—President Trump’s not so great grandfather, Friedrich Von Trumpenstein, was questioned after the slaying of the heir to the throne of the Austro-Hungarian empire, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, on Fifth Avenue. History claims a 19-year-old Bosnian was the shooter, but others claim Trumpenstein was named as a co-conspirator in the incident, or ‘Individual 1’ in the court documents of the day. The assassination eventually led to WWI, which led to WWII, which led to arguably the worst outcome: Pearl Harbor (2001) starring Ben Affleck. Witnesses to the incident claim a second shot rang out from a nearby grassy knoll, because that shit seems to happen in these situations. Others implicated in the shooting were: the Watchmen’s Comedian, the Smoking Man from the X-Files, and LBJ’s uncle Droop B. Johnson.
Baghdad, IQ—Many believe the U.S. Embassy in Baghdad was saved by the quick thinking of ambassador to Iraq, Mathew Tueller. Those close to the ambassador claim he was determined to not let his compound be “totally Benghazi’d,” so several naked sculptures and paintings of President Trump were positioned around the perimeter of the facility. On Tuesday hundreds of Iran-backed militants surrounded the embassy in response to what they perceive as The Daily Discord’s unfair coverage of the Kardashians. The reasons for the siege have not been independently verified, but we’re going with it.
My biggest pet peeve of 2019 is how our fearless leader refused to protect our elections. Today we find he’s actually blocking a bipartisan bill that punishes Russia for election interference. All roads not only lead to Moscow, but they lead right to a certain room at the Moscow Ritz-Carlton. We had a two year “special” investigation that discovered the president was indeed compromised to Russia, but Mueller didn’t feel it was “part of his mandate” to explore? Then he releases a report that no one understood, or even bothered to read—that, in fact, a gag order is being issued right now to keep any of the damning parts out the hands of Congress. Then Post Mueller (PM) president resumes his high crimes and misdemeanors by extorting Ukraine the very next day. Fast forward to the impeachment, and there will be no witnesses and no fair jurors in the Senate, because the John-Boehner-created process employed in the House is deemed unacceptable. When you bury this shit, history is going to bury you. Seventeen witnesses laid out the entire narrative and what few grey areas remain can easily be filled in with article two of the impeachment, Obstruction of Congress. If you think there’s a case to clear this morally bankrupt, executive-brain-fart of a man, then make it. I have no delusions about a fair trial for this next phase, but at the very least I want people forced to state for the record that they support an active crime syndicate. Chuck and Nancy are right to try to make this a painful process. Quick, someone find Sir Laurence Olivier and a dentist costume. #IsItSafe?
Tweet Tower—Over the Christmas recess President Trump finds himself in a very strange and precarious yule-time political state, one in which he is clearly impeached, yet not quite impeached—at least not until the articles of impeachment reach the Senate. Historians fear that, if unresolved, the asterisk next to his name will require a second asterisk. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Pho, explains, “The president resides simultaneously in both political realities. You can not say he is impeached, but you can not say he is not impeached. You could say he is not-not impeached, but I wouldn’t go there-there. I would go halfway there, intermittently, and wait for someone to look, because both quantum and impeachment states require a witness. On a side note, I like to collapse quantum states when I am, or am not, being ejected from a local establishment. Quantumatically speaking, when the impeachment moves to the Senate, it hinges on the presence of an observer, but here’s the rub: if quantum collusion has already occurred, no matter how far Trump has the witnesses driven into the swamps of New Jersey, Bells Theorem kicks in. And it’s never a good idea to have a Bell involved when you’re attempting to bury the bodies. Einstein called this, Spooks Activate To Find Bodies At A Distance.”
The North Pole—Each year NORAD tracks Santa’s sleigh and gives constant updates on its exact GPS location. NORAD relays Santa’s real time whereabouts, his next stop, and how many gifts he’s already delivered to all the good little girls and boys across the globe. This year many in the intelligence community are concerned this might be too much information in the hands of the nefarious. North Korea has recently expanded its long range ballistic missile capabilities, which could now deliver a nuclear warhead for the holidays in lieu of coal. Kim Jong Un promised President Trump a “Christmas surprise.” The Discord may have just have cracked the NK code and it’s not very Christmasy. The White House is denying President Trump received a card from Un, entitled Yule Be Sorry.
Graham Cracker Manor, SC—Those close to Senator Graham (R-SC) believe he has been visited in a single night by the ghosts of John McCain, Ronald Reagan, and for some reason Slimer from the movie Ghostbusters. Former Senator John McCain allegedly told his dearest colleague, “I am here tonight to warn you, Eberlindsey Graham, that you have yet a chance to avoid your fate, which is to forever to be labeled a complete partisan hack and sellout. Oh, and sorry in advance for Slimer; Nixon was double-booked.”
Tweet Tower—The entire intelligence community is on edge at this hour after President Trump inadvertently outed the country’s Secret Santa during a phone conversation with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov. The Director of National Intelligence, Joseph Maguire, told The Discord, “Since the president has revealed the Secret Santa, we are concerned that Angela Merkel is now going to know the United States just got her a coffee mug.” Meanwhile, republicans are seizing on the news and calling for an investigation into the makers of the coffee mug, claiming Democratic front-runner Joe Biden was seen with a similar coffee mug near an airport with international flights to Kiev.