Trump Demands Disney Budgets 2% Of Annual Earnings For Defense

Tweet Tower—Following a tone set at the last NATO summit, President Trump is now pressuring the Walt Disney Company to markedly increase its defense spending. The news came after the president was told the company currently sets aside no funds to protecting itself from domestic threats like Time Warner and Universal Studios or foreign threats like Sony and Canada’s Wonderland. The president is no longer willing to defend parts of the Disney compound and thinks it’s time they paid their fair share. The president seems particularly hostile toward Disneyland, which is located in a district he lost to Hillary Clinton in the general election by over 30 points.

Just Answer The Question, Zano!

Mick Zano’s approach to our current Russian investigation debate, if you can call it an approach, is to list nine out of ten unnamed fictitious “experts” from the future who will someday conclude that the FISA warrants were justified. Nice. I don’t have access to his futuristic technologies. My approach is to read the four FISA applications and use reason to clarify my own convictions based on facts. By the way, name one of these legal experts currently willing to stake their reputation on the validity of the FISA warrant. Name one. Remember that old Robert Conrad commercial where he dares you to knock that battery off his shoulder? Yeah, Zano, this is like that…

Kelly Walks Back 2020 Trump Commitment: “I Meant Until The 20/20 That Airs This Monday On ABC”

Tweet Tower—White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly is walking back an earlier statement about his commitment to stay on the job until the end of Trump’s first term. The retired Marine Corp general claims, “When I said I would stay on as Chief of Staff until 2020, I meant the ABC television show 20/20. A common mistake. Last week there was a great show on the Thailand cave rescue and I was thinking about that when the president asked me about staying on, and, well, I’m pretty sure I can stay until the next 20/20, which airs this Monday. I take pills now.”

Republicans Never Have Valid Arguments Which Serves Them Well

After creating diversionary scandals, damaging the republic, and tearing down the western world order, one might wonder how Republicans find the time to compromise their principles. Scandals and flip flops, flip flops and scandals abound. To meet these changes and challenges our conservative friends must reinvent themselves more often than a replicant with OCD. “You can never step into the same Republican party twice, but afterwards you should probably change your shoes.” —Heraclitus

Stanley Kubrick Foundation Releases Lunar Landing Outtake Reel

Hollywood, CA—The Stanley Kubrick Foundation, in conjunction with Disney and NASA, finally released the much anticipated moon landing outtake reel. The images were digitally enhanced and reedited to capture some of the funnier moments and hijinks behind the scenes of the mock lunar landing of the Apollo 11 crew on July 20th 1969. The film is being released next week, but some of the details were leaked to The Daily Discord by the Hal 9000, the AI in charge of the Discovery One in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

The President Announces Trump Tower Crimea Deal!

Tweet Tower—The President was all smiles today upon announcing a joint business venture between The Kremlin and Tweet Tower. The president is denying his recent meeting with Vladimir Putin in Helsinki had anything to do with this historic and controversial real estate deal. When asked the president said, “This topic never came up at the summit. We had lots of other deals, I mean things to talk about. I think we just talked about Russian adoptions …and stuff. It’s all in the notes the Russians took.”

Wreak Havoc And Let Tweet The Dogs Of War! #WagTheDogsOfWar

 

Tweet Tower—Shortly after President Trump’s first inflammatory tweet was directed at Iran’s president, a second tweet attack was launched from deep in the bowels of Tweet Tower (aka, a staffer admits the president was going ‘number two’ at the time). The Defense Department is downplaying their attempt to set up a back channel to Twitter headquarters in an effort to cut off the president’s ability to launch unauthorized tweets of war. Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis said, “That’s preposterous!” He then made the following cryptic statement without explanation: “Omeonesay omfray ittertway allcay emay, ASAP. The very future of Earth aymay ependday onyay it.”

Trump’s Interpreter From Helsinki Summit ‘Falls’ From Building And Lands On Stormy Daniels

Tweet Tower—In a chain of events that many are calling suspicious, Trump’s Helsinki interpreter, Marina Gross, ‘fell’ from an eight story building earlier today and landed on porn star Stormy Daniels. The two women suffered only minor injuries as both of Stormy’s breasts were deployed at the time of impact. The interpreter is now conscious and recovering at Stormybroke Hospital. When the interpreter was asked whether or not she was pushed from the building, she replied, “тебя столкнули со здания?”, which we are being told means: ‘Were you pushed from the building?’ in Russian. The rest of the interview proved to be equally as futile.

Trump Claims Voice On Cohen Tape Is Actually Trump Alias ‘John Barron’

Tweet TowerShortly after Donald Trump’s personal lawyer handed over potentially damaging recordings to investigators, the president released a tweet stating the voice on the tape is likely that of his alter-ego, ‘John Barron’. It’s widely known that during the 80s and 90s Donald Trump often pretended to be other pro-Trump individuals during phone conversations. He presumably accomplished this by sprinkling three syllable words into the conversation. Critics are calling the president’s explanation, ‘plausible’ at least in the context of everything else he has ever said.

Post Trump’s Rump Churchill’s Chair Posted On eBay!

London, GB—A number of British newspapers and tabloids trashed President Donald Trump’s recent visit with the Queen, particularly for his decision to plop down on Winston Churchill’s chair. The Mirror exclaimed, “How dare you!” Luckily for President Trump, he never really looks in The Mirror. Today there is a new development as the prized piece of furniture is now appearing on eBay. The Queen of England is refusing to comment on the decision, and no one in the royal family is explaining why they are suddenly willing to part with this historic piece of furniture for a mere £100.

See, Republicans Do Compromise! We Have Our First Compromised President

It’s nice to see the president get a break from this whole Russia collusion thing, so he can collude with Russia. President Donald J Trump alone in a room with a former KGB agent? What a disgrace. Maybe we will find out the truth about today’s summit someday …from the Kremlin. But, hey, at least Trump’s latest tweet barrage made me laugh. One day soon these tweets will be translated as: Why didn’t Obama stop my collusion? It happened under his watch?! Thanks Obama, I thought this was America! #SomeCollusion. Watching the last 72-hours of the Mueller machinations vs our counter-reality has reached Theater of the Bizarre levels of absurdity. Hippogroan? Oh, and this morning I caught five minutes of Neil Cavuto on Fox. Wow, talk about starting your day off far right… I am soooo done with this shit, and you should be too.

Prime Minister Of UK Fails To Brexit Pub Properly

Greenwich, ENG—After an evening of trying to forget President Trump’s visit, the UK’s Prime Minister Theresa May failed to successfully navigate the open door of a popular Greenwich pub. According to witnesses, May walked repeatedly into the wall right next to the door before finally crumpling in a heap in the entranceway. Many are wondering if the incident involved too many pints in short order, or if it signifies a shift in her political position from a ‘soft’ Brexit to a ‘much harder’ Brexit.

Last NATO Ally Meets 2% Defense Budget Expectations Just In Time To Declare War On U.S.

Brussels, BEIronically, Italy, the last NATO country to successfully budget 2% of its overall GDP to defense spending, has done so ahead of the expected 2020 deadline. Instead of cheers from The Trump House, the timing could not be worse. Super Supreme Leader Donald Trump is scrambling as the EU, Australia and Canada, currently known as the Coalition of the Cognizant, just declared war on the United States of The Donald. As rockets are launched ahead of an imminent land invasion, Trump addressed the nation via a historic tweet from his bunker deep in the Earth’s crust. “There is nothing to fear but fear itself, and those rockets, of course. Wow, there’s a lot of them!! We shall fight them on the beaches, we will defend my land and business empire, whatever your cost may be. How many characters left? Crap. #NeverSurrender!”

Coal Lobbyist Pegged To Head EPA Envisions A New ‘Screwtopia’ For America

Tweet Tower—With the head of the Environmental Protection Agency resigning amidst a sea of scandal, President Trump thought long and hard on how to make a bad situation worse. He eventually tasked his aids with creating a list of the most absurd job histories for those who might replace the disgraced Scott Pruitt. Trump said, “As soon as I saw ‘coal lobbyist’, I stopped reading the rest of the list and called my buddy Andrew Wheeler.” The president later admitted how a coal lobbyist who he would first have to pardon would have been the best choice. The president later added, “Hey, but any port in a shit-storm, right?”

Here’s some of Mr. Wheeler’s accomplishments for those not familiar with this outstanding citizen:

Top Ten Slogans Rejected By X-Box

Gathering the Top Ten Slogans Rejected by X-Box was a long and difficult process. It’s a thankless job, and payless. But when some of my pale-faced interviewees couldn’t figure out how to light their firewall because they’d never gone camping before, we were able to surround ourselves with all of the women in attendance. Social phobia seems to go hand-in-hand with video addiction. Despite this perk, camping with a bunch of avid gamers is not recommended. They did eventually give up the goods and I uncovered the top ten X-Box slogans that were ultimately rejected:

 

1.     Doing our part to lower teen pregnancy.

2.   Making it even easier to ignore your children since 2001.

3.     Objectifying virtual women in an effort to decrease the objectifying of actual women.

I Can’t Talk About Politics Rationally Anymore, But At Least There Was A Time I Could

This is no longer a contest between left and right. Our current political conflict has devolved into a fight between a functional democracy and demagogic authoritarianism. This is what happens when half our country can no longer acknowledge reality because they’re too busy ordering extra toppings for their next ‘Pizzagate’. Bonfire of the Hannitys? Our democracy is likely to lose in this wetland Drudge-match. I’m hardly giving the Dems a free pass for this soggy state of our union. Barackish water? For the pending midterms we have the motivated misinformed vs our apathetic and slightly-autistic millennials. Sure the next generation is angry, but will they ever put down their video controllers or iPhones long enough to find a voting booth? Is there a voting app that they can download before then? Hey, let’s get the people at Kaspersky to install it and maybe get some Safe Space voting booths complete with iPhone and USB ports. Even if the libs can muster the ‘testicular fortitude’ to take back one of the chambers of Congress in November, Trump’s court appointees will haunt this nation for decades to come. Kidding, we don’t have decades. Trumpocalypse DOW?

Trump Annexes The 4th Of July From Rest Of Planet!

Tweet Tower—President Trump minced no words today… kidding, that’s what he does with words. But the president did sign an important and controversial Independence Day executive order that claims the 4th day in July “is for America and America only.” Other countries located on the planet earth must honor this agreement and all world calendars must reflect these important changes by 2019, or risk additional tariffs, sanctions, and/or a barrage of hostile tweets #MakeAmerica4thAgain. Essentially this executive order demands that all countries outside of the U.S. must have calendars that go directly from July 3rd to July 5th without stopping on the fourth day in the 7th month.

*This edict is void in North Korea, Russia, and the Philippines (Turkey has an every other leap year clause).

Trump’s Interview Questions To Supreme Court Nominees Leaked!

Tweet Tower—The White House is reeling today after some of the key interview questions the president is asking each potential supreme court nominee was leaked to the press. This occurred only hours after the president announced he had narrowed the field of prospective replacements for retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy to four. The first question President Trump asked of each finalist was: Do you believe a sitting president can be indicted? And the follow up question: What if he’s standing?