Now We Need To Investigate The New Investigation Into The Investigation Of The Initial Russia Investigation

No matter what it says or means, the Mueller report is an unmitigated disaster. At the very least it will improve Trump’s chances of winning a second term and our fascist in chief is already starting his own brand of revenge porn, aka prying healthcare from millions more Americans between tweets #Winning! Republicans are saying the liberal media should apologize for an investigation into Russian interference into the 2016 election that netted 27 indictments and proved the Russians interfered in the 2016 election. Nice. These folks can spin anything and this is their Pizzagate de resistance. Where is your apology for the seven investigations into Benghazi that led to no indictments, related or otherwise? Where is the apology for Spygate and this ‘insurance policy’ that apparently we never should have been paying those premiums on? Sorry, passing this one hurdle does not exonerate the village idiots in the room; it simply allows them to do more damage before the truth becomes apparent.

I do fully support Mueller’s findings, so those matters fully explored by the Special Counsel should die. But what are those again? If we don’t know what doors are closed or still open then they are all still fair game. And no one wants that, so I hope Barr really does release the report. Keep investigating Russian interference, for sure, but the conspiracy/collusion angle must end. If you have some proof Schiff, speak now, or in the interests of America forever hold your Pizzagate.

Whether conspiracy is actually a thing or not: A) Robert Mueller is the guru here, not Adam Schiff, and B) the political consequences will be too great. Lest we forget that handing this guy a second term is akin to writing our collective epitaph. But let’s make no mistake here, being wrong all the time still means *cough* you people are wrong all the time. In the end this dark chapter will prove no different, because in this book you folks need Hooked on Phonics or LeapFrog. Batteries sold separately.

Mueller himself did not exonerate Trump for obstruction, but that’s only because of, well, all the obstruction. Then Trump’s AG Lackey tries to bury the obstruction piece 48-hours later in the south lawn (as predicted). For those saying “no obstruction for no crime,” wrong. Mueller stayed in his lane (as predicted) and yet he still managed to bump into a shit ton of Trump crony wrongdoing on the highway, or:

This Day In Future History: Barr Disbarred From Bar At Bar During Barcawl Near Beer Bar

Mueller was the good soldier, which today makes him an anachronism and a dangerous one at that. Assuming Trump’s lackeys and/or congress would do the right thing with any information was overly idealistic at best, or down right gullible at worst. I believe the full report will be released when the full report is actually released.

So much for the Spygate theory, aka ‘the fix is in’ bullshit. The one time I was actually hoping conservatives were right about something, but silly me. Regardless, Spygate will still be investigated because that’s what we’ve come to expect. Meanwhile, two years of an actual investigation ended this week in a blaze of ingloriousness. I saw Blaze of Ingloriousness back in the day, when they were keeping it real. Mueller, no doubt, weighed the inability of indicting a sitting president, or even subpoenaing him (if you recall, he tried), and he obviously showed deference to the highest office in the land. Here are my concerns from nearly a year ago:


1. There was certainly attempted collusion, but was it coordinated and criminal? 2. Trump built his empire on money laundering and other white collar crimes, but will it be part of the Mueller mandate/investigation? (As it relates to Russia ancient alien theorists say ‘yes’.) 3. Obstruction of justice clearly occurred, but is it extreme enough to indict a sitting president?

This remains our sad, sorry State of the Union, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. Hillary Clinton mishandled some classified emails. Donald Trump mishandled everything since inauguration day. But to the right wing, all of the damaging details and horribleness = exonerated. Remember what Republicans do, kids, they reduce any problem to two binary solutions and then choose the wrong one.


Prediction Reminder Alert: of the roughly 17 areas of investigation I predicted about 5 would net indictments.


Not sure what to call the results of this one yet, as sometimes 27 indictments just isn’t enough to raise stuff to the level of significant in Hannity’s America. I guess I agree with Republicans on this one; their score is usually much worse (see: history).


* Stolen from the internet. My source guy called in sick today.

But for our Republican friends sometime a 100 to 1 indictment ratio, R to D, just doesn’t quite a pattern make. When facts arrive, Republicans should just keep thinking about baseball. The highest score is not always the best (see also: golf, deficits, and presidential rankings). This isn’t one outlier chart, hell, unless they’re graphs made in Michelle Bachman garage with her crayon pack, they’re damning, regardless.of.the.topic. And Trump is just getting started here, folks. But 150 to 1 will really open some eyes in those square states. Kidding, the heartland has a permanent denialcardio infaction.

But I agree with Nancy Pelosi, no impeachment at this time. Unless there is clear evidence that will convince even Republicans of his culpability, don’t bother. So the Barr for impeachment is set rather high right now, almost impossibly high. The snake has a lot of wiggle room and there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it.

[The Fox in the White Hen house joke removed by Rupert Murdoch.]

Impeachment needs to be bipartisan and those days are over, folks. As for those liberals who are claiming this is some coordinated cover up, umm, you might want to register as a Republican. I never predicted this was going to be easy. In fact, I never thought shit was even correctable at this point.

Having the ability to make a terrible choice and to keep supporting/defending said terrible choice until the republic is irreparably damaged, well, that should be more associated with an apology. No, we want one from those people trying to protect the integrity of our elections. On behalf of reasonable people everywhere, my humble apologies.

There are two conflicting predictions here, outcome of Mueller report vs my predominant theory: how the election of Trump marked a republic-bending event. Can they both still be right? You bet ya. In the frenetic flurry on the lead up to the election, I always felt this incompetent bunch probably would have colluded if given the chance, but that a full quid pro quo was questionable. We see quid, then pro, then quid again. Then someone orders some quo with the house noodles, but it never clicked. Surprise face. What part of my “collusion = 50/50 chance of prosecution” didn’t you get? And those of us in the know are always going to project our hopes and wishes onto this supposed white knight, but only because we understand the consequences of not shutting this shit down in a timely fashion.

But I always thought the Trumpsters would fail to take the bait, through rank incompetence:

“As for conspiracy, aka collusion, we are back to my original premise: Russia attempted to collude with the incoming Trump Administration, some WikiLeaks dump coordination is likely to surface, and there are multiple attempts/business deals with Russians that could reach the threshold of criminal. The only thing standing in the way of a full annulment is this: did Team Trump botch the whole quid-pro-quo thing? They all lied about their endless contacts with Russia; they lied about the ongoing business dealings, but let’s not forget for a moment how dumb these key players truly are.”

Or my first joke on the matter:

Congratulations? So incompetence is the saving grace of the Republican party? Too stupid to fail? Corruption and obstruction are still very real, but without the conspiracy linchpin Mueller chose not to rock our country to its core. Yes, I started writing this at 11AM the day the report was released, and by 1:30PM Lindsey Graham said, “The case is closed on Trump. Now open one on Hillary.” Wow. Two wrong statements in ten words or less. Wrong at lightening speed.

I will stand by obstruction and corruption, but only because of the obvious obstruction and corruption, but let’s table that for now. If Trump skates on all corruption charges and a reasonable rationale surfaces as to why obstruction was ignored, I will concede those points, aka, good luck with that.

Maddow already has a list of questions of 15 questions that may or may not have any merit, but I only have three:

  1. What did Mueller investigate or not investigate due to his perceived mandate/scope (aka, release the report).
  2. Why didn’t Mueller ever question that Helsinki interpreter? (which isn’t even on Rachel’s list).
  3. If Mueller missed all these dots, is there still time to order bigger dots?

There is no evidence Mueller is anything but honorable, and there’s no evidence Trump is anything but a criminal. As it turns out everyone around Trump lies, maybe not for some grand conspiracy, but just because it’s what they do. And yet a stream of wrongdoing, indictments, and lies was “the best outcome” said Trump. He’s actually right on that score, ha, ha. A thousand indictments will never quite rise to the level of an unemployed woman’s questionable use of a private email server, will it?

Regardless of Mueller’s intent, this will be perceived as a signal to all of the cronies that the deplorables are now the untouchables. Elliott Mess? Vulture capitalism is legal today, folks. Don’t take my word for it, just take a look at how you are treated for each and every transaction and compare that to ten or twenty years ago. My recent rant here.

Norms are just that, and they are apparently not illegal to ignore. My friend can’t identify fascism, because his friends made it all nice and legal like. Each terrible decision in my lifetime comes with a Republican majority. By the time he figures out what’s happening it will be too late. Kidding, Republicans will never figure out what’s happening, because they outsourced insight, long ago (at a trade deficit, no doubt).

This investigation has exposed the problems inherent in the system. We are not prepared for a sociopathic president, no matter how our forefathers tried to constitutionally protect us from such a scenario. Although it was not his intention, Mueller has given this man-child a hall pass and a map to the cookie jar. Buckle up kids. It’s the law …and laws, as it turns out, are for the little people.

As for the bigger picture, at some point this president will be tested and he will fail said test, rather spectacularly, and we will all bear the brunt of his choices and the Lemony Snicketying series of unfortunate events that follows. Whereas its true that the removal of Trump from office would be a great boon for the country, it’s probably not going to happen outside 2020, aka, the electoral-college slanted, voter suppression-suppository, foreign power-hacked & trolled, and gerrymander-ridden shit show that is our general elections.

Notice I left out voter fraud, because the only one Republicans are investigating, is the only one that isn’t actually a thing.

Good night and good luck.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.