Libya: Two Special Comments, Three Special Swear Words

Mick Zano

My first beef is with the Community Organizer & King who decided to listen to Hillary I-was-just-starting-to-like-her Clinton instead of Robert nailed-it-as-Secretary-of Defense Gates (but keep in mind, even Rommel would look good after Rumsfeld).  Obama probably thought: hell, the Clintons want action in Libya and so does McCain.  So we need to act…   Normally this would be logical, but what in the last decade has been normal?  Certainly not my blood pressure. 

What I saw of CNN’s coverage of Libya was responsible.  The questions ranged from: what role will we play to on whose authority have we taken action in the first place?  As of now, my understanding, which jives with CNN’s, is we are bombing some sites in Libya to enforce the UN resolution for a no fly zone…that’s it (at least as of 3/20).  Then I turn to my favorite source for misinformation, and this Justice Janine lady—kooky even by Fox standards—is discussing the situation with some neocon hawks (oh shock).  They’re talking about joining forces with the rebels and killing Kaddafi. Yes, Judge Judy, or whatever the hell her name is, was calling for the death of Kaddafi.   Now, I admit this thought crossed my mind as well, it sure crossed Reagan’s, but according to Fox News that’s what we are trying to do, already, today, as U.S. policy.  The mission—in their increasingly delusional world view—is to join forces with the rebels and kill Kaddafi.  Sure that might happen, but it’s not the mission today.  

And why are they all so gung ho to make foreign mistake blunder #3 anyway?   Are they crazier than I thought?  Oh, that’s right, wars don’t impact deficits. 

And the French are leading the attack!  Unacceptable!  We need to be doing all the world’s army stuff, dammit. We’re Americans (with an armed service paid for by China).  It’s our job to undo whatever Obama has done to quell WWIII.  We need to fire up all that anti-Arab sentiment again, or else we don’t feel safe. Let’s be clear, Obama did something arguably stupid, but that never stops the right from wanting to double down on that stupid.  They stick to the script.

To justify this action in Libya, without a congressional vote, Obama said he cannot stand by when a brutal dictator attacks his own people, or some such. 

OK, when you get done attacking, taking over, occupying, and reconstructing the other several dozen countries that also meet that criteria…um, what will our budget look like then? I had a similar question for Bush during Shock & Awe. If we do this alphabetically, by the time we get to Yemen, the United States will be Somalia.  Hey, wait a minute, I always wanted to be a pirate!  This is going to be awesome! 

Wait, I know how we’ll pay for this; Republicans are currently cutting a program that feeds homeless Veterans.  Yep, that oughtta do it.  As usual, they only see half the picture, but at this point their picture is an image of the world so distorted even Hunter S. Thompson can’t make heads or tails of it. 

Now, as soon as Obama took action, you could see all of the Foxeteers start back peddling. They call him a wuss, pressure him into action, and then start immediately questioning that action once he initiates it.  Patriots, not that different from pirates these days.

Wait, back to Fox…some sort of apology is in order.  Judge Justice just figured it all out.  Her guest, some McFarland lady, a National Security Analyst, is explaining our actual role in Libya.  She explained that we’re not trying to kill Kaddafi today.  Whew! Save, and a beauty, and just in the nick of time too; her show is nearly over.  I still blame those two military personnel for not setting her straight during that last segment.  Normally I only watch Fox in short shifts, like those Fukushima engineers on reactor duty, but today, feeling somewhat masochistic, I watched this whole frigging show.  Ask your doctor if Atenelol is right for you.

A Special Comment to King Obama:

When we are not being directly attacked, and you need to figure out the best course of action, dawdle away, pal.  Take as long as you need. Just because the right equates any pause to weakness doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think things through. Republicans are trying desperately to kill: people, our budget, and your credibility.  Oh, and they just love any excuse to increase our defense budget (you know, for when 50% of the world’s defense spending just isn’t enough).

Thanks to W, you have been given the ability—and apparently the right—to go to war however wherever and whenever you want, without anyone else’s approval.  That’s fine. I have already come to terms with this fact because I, unlike most of my fellow Americans, have been paying attention.  But you need to stop listening to the stupid.  I have much, much, much more confidence in Robert Gates than I do Hillary Clinton on matters of defense.  Defense is in his friggin’ title, Sunshine.  You needed to listen to him on this one. Oh, and if Rush Limbaugh and his Tard Army are on board, that’s a pretty big clue you’re barking up the wrong occupation.  To put it in perspective, it’s a Colonel-Mustard-in-the-dining-room-with-the-lead-pipe kind of clue.  On that note, besides budgetary issues, if you did the opposite of whatever the Limbaugh Nation is suggesting, you’re probably good.

The right prefers to rush to Limbaugh…sorry, I mean rush to war, invade the wrong country, and generally fuck things up. It’s their way.  Bush was decisively wrong on just about everything he ever did.  A real American.  And the same idiots who backed him are now pressuring you into making the same poor decisions.   Unlike some, I do not think this is the worst decision you have ever made in office—brown and taupe for the oval office!  Really? But your level of engagement on this little project is crucial.  It may become your worst decision if we get mired in Middle Eastern country number three,  so take a deep breath…and then change those damn curtains.

Listen to Robert Gates, Mr. Community Organizer.  As a community organizer myself, I would listen to him on defense issues.  Sure, I too can raise money for mental health awareness during a bake sale like no one’s business, but I think I’d leave the whole war plan thingie to the military guy.  Gates is, perhaps, the best decision you ever made…but taupe? Dude!  It’s so close to beige you can smell it.

Oh, and always listen to what Christopher Hitchens has to say; he should be an adviser, or if nothing else a regular read.  He’s like Fox News minus the stupid.  With Hitchens, you will get the best case for action on any hawkish foreign policy decision.  When I read a Hitch article over on Slate Magazine, I’m ready the nuke the fucking Amish. 

As for the rest on the right wing, drown them out. Anyone on Fox or any Republican candidate has been cognitively compromised long ago.

They have the right to be uninformed, but, as president, you don’t have to listen to them.  If left to the Foxeteers, Congress wouldn’t have to vote for war either…it would be a popularity contest.   By a show of hands, who would like to bomb Syria?  And the answer would invariably be “let’s bomb anyone we deem scary” or the Juan Williams Effect (JWE).  JWE…an acronym bordering on anti-Semitism.  Kidding, Juan!  It’s anti-Semitic.

Listen to the right if you must, but don’t let them cloud your judgment.  Do what you think is right…er, unless it’s war, in which case Congress is supposed to have a say (you know, back in the days when we had a Constitution). 

And please, nothing else in the beige family.

A Special Comment to the Patriotards:

We could not lead the action in Libya primarily because we still have little to no credibility on the world stage—mostly due to YOUR  voting records!  Second, it’s debatable whether we should have acted at ALL.  Not to mention the fact, we’re all still recovering from our last imperial president’s actions.  If you remain this uninformed on foreign policy, stop voicing your opinion all together.  Keep it to yourself! Think about it like this, it’s not your opinion anyway, so what are you really losing?

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.