Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Second Inconvenient Truth Linked to Al Gore’s Cross-Dressing

Nashville, TN—Former Vice President Al Gore is downplaying his retreat into seclusion since the recent global warming scandal surfaced.

“I was not hiding for that!” insisted Gore.  “I was getting up the courage to tell the American people my real inconvenient truth.”

Gore revealed to a stunned audience that he enjoys dressing like a woman, “even more than Rudy Giuliani.”

Gore admitted to reporters that the real motivation behind his “green” activism was the fear that “if the world became too hot, people would notice my fishnet stockings.”  Gore added, “Now that my secret is out, I plan to strut my stuff whenever and wherever possible.”

Gore ended the press conference by pulling off his suit pants, revealing a pair of silky nylons, to the backdrop of Tim Curry’s version of Sweet Transvestite.

He then attempted to climb a nearby flag pole, yelling, “I am woman, hear me Gore!” before being dragged out of the room by security.  

Dear Sir,

I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the above faux article about the “green” activist who wears women’s clothes. Many of my best friends are eco-activists and only a few of them are transvestites.

Yours faithfully,

Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong (Mrs.)

PS — I have never kissed the editor of the Daily Discord.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Plants Speak to Me, Women Don’t and I tried to smoke the houseplants you suggested and i’m not sure you should be encouraging that sort of thing. Oh, and in Chapter 4, what exactly is a blue root boinger?

Donald8

Dear Donald,

What…? You didn’t see the disclaimer? Good. You shouldn’t read those things. As for your question, let’s just say, it’s a blue root and the Missus won’t complain for about 12 hours. Any longer than that, consult your physician immediately.

The Ghetto Shaman

My Dreams Down the Twitter: Yet Another Daily Discord Lawsuit

Alex Bone

In these hard economic times, there is little I won’t do to try to snag a few free brewskis. (Please disregard anything Senator Larry Craig says I’ll do for a beer; it’s all lies!). Despite the Discord contributors’ bulging pockets, they have yet to send me a single royalty check. I heard Zano is taking his family to Costa Rica with his last check, and Winslow just bought his sixth house.  If you add Winslow’s houses and John McCain’s houses…never mind; McCain would have to know how many he has.  Anyway, can you guess what sort of scam these blog boobs try to rope me into?

Let me try to quote Zano verbatim, “If you can get The Daily Discord set up on Twitter and get us a bunch of followers, I’ll buy you a beer.”

Being the inventive (greedy) thinker I am, I quickly asked, “Well, if I get more followers, will I get more beer?”

I received a hesitant ‘yes’ so envisioning all of those free suds a-flowing, I immediately got to work. Now, I’m not sure how much all of the millions of people that are reading this know about Twitter, but it’s its own beast. On both My Space and Face Book, accepting a ‘friend’ is a mutual exchange. You can ask to befriend a thousand people, but you won’t get a single bite unless they agree, or you happen to look like Jessica Alba.

On Twitter, things are different. They don’t have friends, they have followers, and I think this is mostly because of their cult background. AKA, don’t drink the Kool-Aid. So in theory, it is sort of like a high school popularity contest a week before Valentine’s Day. You go around ‘following’ others on the slim hope that they might think you are cool enough to return the favor.

But I was already an expert at Twitter cuz, you now…I’d been on there for a whole six months now. At first I scoffed, because the people at the Discord were posting things with zero followers (pretty much like this article), so I stepped in and started ‘following’ hordes of others like crazy. Crazy like a fox.  Before you knew it, The Daily Discord was on the books.  We were somebody and, more importantly, I got two free beers out of Zano! (No easy trick.)  This was going great. Things were rolling. I was drinking for free, living the dream.  But, like the greedy bastard I am, this wasn’t enough. What if I could get them hundreds, maybe even thousands of followers?!  I could be drinking free all the time. I could reach some Pale Ale Nirvana.  I could attain EnBudLitenment.  I could quit my day job. I could get my cell phone turned back on.

So after ingesting those precious free beers—and a few more of my own, back home—I began to hit the streets of Twitterville.  I was knocking on more doors than a Jehovah’s Witness with a meth habit.

The numbers were flying by. I couldn’t even keep up with how many people The Daily Discord was following. We were going to be HUGE.  They like us, they really like us.  More importantly, I was going to be drunk, and soon!

I didn’t even look at how many followers I might have gained for the Discord.  I wanted to be as surprised as everyone else. I just hoped Zano had brought his credit cards because, heck, I might be getting some chicken wings too. I then proudly opened up my laptop and, much to my dismay, that damn cult had taken a big Twit on my hopes and dreams. Yes, Twitter had closed our account.  The Daily Discord Twitter account went Elvis, only 24 hrs after Operation Happy Hour went into effect. 

Maybe they thought we were porn producers or spam artists, but I’m not buying it. They saw our site and they want to suppress the truth. The truth as only we dare print. Well, we’re not going to take it.  I, for one, will not put up with this twit!  I emailed the bastards, twice, and they are ignoring me, outright.  Sorry, but that’s my wife’s job, assholes.

The Daily Discord intends to sue Twitter to the fullest extent of the law.

Next week we will be filing claims in federal district court for breach of contract, violation of free speech, violation of due process, defamation of character, defecation of account, and anything else our clever lawyers can come up with.  Hell, I might even throw in an interference with contract claim on my own behalf, because they prevented me from getting my free beer. Those bastards will be reeling when they get served with the papers. I’m guessing we’ll be asking for about $10 million, maybe more.  Oh, and now I owe Zano a beer, so you can bet that will be tacked onto the suit as well.  Bastards!

So you had better watch out Twitter. Your days are numbered. No one keeps me from getting twit-faced.

Long-Term Cannabis Use Linked to Partying in Lab Rats

Long-Time Cannabis Use Linked to Partying in Lab Rats

State College, PA—In another complete waste of the tax payer’s dime, two Daily Discord contributors used stimulus funds to conduct research on as many young coeds as they could get their hands on.

“The research was not without its challenges,” admitted head researcher, Dave Atsals. “It’s getting harder to get women to let us into their dorm rooms, because we’re older and creepier now.”

Fellow researcher, Mick Zano, could not disagree more.  “We were always creepy, Dave.” 

The two conducted a study that suggests a robust and perky correlation between marijuana use and college shindiggery.  The journal article, entitled, Dorms, Bongs, and Misdemeanors: A Quaaludeatative Study on Wine, Women, and Weed, is due to post in Lancet, if Winslow can hack into their database when no one is looking. 

The study has survived the rigorous beer-review process and was passed around in a circle along with some choice hydroponic bud.

When asked why the two researchers chose young college women as their test subjects instead of lab rats, they both replied in unison, “You’re kidding, right?”

Actually, there was a long pause before their, back-of-the-throat type, gaspy answer.  The researchers both followed up the question with a long stream of greasy smoke and several STDs.

Discord at the Discord: or, Why as a Contributor I’ve Resorted to Death Threats and Violence

Statue of Daily Discord CEO Pierce Winslow toppled
L. Wolfe

To all of my loyal fans and admirers (both of you), I must first apologize for this out-of-character article.  I know you have all come to expect only the highest level of journalism from me, with deep intellectual reflection and that gritty reporting that exposes the deepest darkest secrets this world has to hide (like Zano).  This article, however, is clearly more of a Crank-style rant.  I am reporting the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Xavier Winslow to Adult Protective Services for his ongoing abuses to contributors, editors, fans, and puppies.

My Discord this day lies with the Daily Discord.  Four score and seven beers ago a few dedicated souls brought forth onto this earth a new internet site–an internet site of the people, by the people, and for the people.  This ezine represented the manifestation of some of the greatest minds one small University in central Pennsylvania could corrupt…that site was the Daily Discord.  Its mission was noble, its goals lofty, and we even hoped for a few bucks to buy some beer at our annual convention, held in the dark forests of PA where Thunderbirds, Big Hoots, and the Owl people still thrive.  That dream, my friends, has been dashed.  There is a dark and evil side of this force, call him an “edictator,” if you will.  Pierce Winslow, my friend, it is you!  I slave over long lunch hours to compile intellectual content and mild comedy for my dedicated audience numbering into the whole integers, and what do I get in return?  “Discord puts freeze on adolescent humor!”, “Discord bans all acronym jokes!”, “Discord Declares War on Coney Island!” (that last one is unconfirmed).  Edictatorial modifications to my masterpieces rivaling a C- on some young child’s Red Rider BB gun Theme paper!  I have had more articles rejected or butchered at the hands of this monster than I can count on two hands!   I wouldn’t be surprised if Winslow just injected some nonsensical sentence into my work about my Fascination with Dolls’ Clothing.  May I mombo dog face to the bannana patch? Then Zano will probably turn it into some lousy acronym joke (FDC).  Then Winslow will censor it.

[Bit censored by Winslow]

The once noble mission of the Daily Discord has been tainted, corrupted, and destroyed almost single-handedly by our edictator! Like that “Master Blaster” abomination in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, Winslow sits atop his beast of a webpage and issues embargos, spews insults, and tears into the work of geniuses (and my work, too!).  I throw my skunky beer at you, silly edictator-king, who was afraid of a Crank, you know! 

[Scene missing]

To top it all off, I PAY FOR THIS ABUSE!!!  Can you believe it?!  It costs me money to submit articles to the Discord!  Winslow is probably putting together his annual invoice as we speak!  And what is the result of all this?  You, my faithful audience, suffer.  Censorship, at its worst.  Why I wouldn’t be surprised if Winslow cuts the next part of this article outright—

[Section deemed not appropriate for some readers]

I ask you, my faithful audience, does “Discord Freezes” and “Discord Bans” and mountains of foul language drivel provide a higher entertainment value than breaking “West Nile Virus” conspiracy news and cutting edge global climate change news?  Express your opinion! (I must admit the Ghetto Shaman is pretty damned funny, when he’s sober). Let the Discord know that L. Wolfe is a key contributor!  I want to be upgraded from bubkis to peanuts, dammit!  Heck, there isn’t even any beer money for our annual convention this year—not to mention peanuts.  What happened to the old days of the Havoc’s Free Beer and Peanuts

I’m not afraid of you Winslow.  I will no longer live in fear and darkness!  Er, you have agreed to put a window in our Discord writer’s dungeon, right?  Release the hounds, release the flying monkeys, release the Cranken for all I care! (The Crank lives under the sea and may be responsible for eating several women tied to rocks).  I for one am sick of being the Smithers to your Montgomery Burns, the Bob Crachett to your Mr. Scrooge, the Sonny to your Cher (but don’t lose the little black dress).

[Zano lost this part]

I ask you to write your congressmen or at least your local postman, and demand better service!   Ask that more L. Wolfe articles be published (Winslow probably has a dozen in his recycle bin; actually he’s an Apple man, so I don’t know what they actually call it). Stand up for my rights!  Help a fellow American down on his luck, at least send beer money!  I am holding a P-Party to show my disdain for Pierce on 3/27 in Searchlight, NV.  Tons of disgruntled people plan to attend.  I may even get Sarah Palin to be my keynote speaker.  Everyone else declined.

[Paragraph marked as Spam and deleted]

Oh, and Pierce, I have made the edits to that article you requested, and the check’s in the mail.  See you at the convention.  I’ll bring the Giant Risk board!  Should we have a sacrifice to the Owl People this year?  Maybe the Ghetto Shaman can keep them at bay with his Mayan mojo.  Just a thought.

Regional Envoy for Crash Test Union Mannequins Calls for Strike

Regional Envoy for Crash Test Union Mannequins Calls for Strike

San Jose, CA—President of the Regional Envoy for Crash Test Union Mannequins (R.E.C.T.U.M.), Bob Blankstare, stated at a press conference today that no more tests of Toyota automobiles will be manned by union dummies.

“Until Toyota shows us proof that they have fixed all the problems on their 2010 models, not one of our Dummies will go anywhere near a Toyota,” said Blankstare.  “We may be dummies, but we’re not idiots.”

Blankstare believes several Toyota models were responsible for at least one incident, during which a vehicle careened into a brick wall at high speeds.

When asked, “But wasn’t the vehicle supposed to careen into a wall at high speed?”

Blankstare replied, “Yeah, of course, but at a predetermined high speed, is my point.”

Blankstare also had a stern warning for those dummies planning to break ranks with the union and continue to work.

“Those who cross picket lines to climb into one of these death traps will earn the name scab,” said Blankstare, slamming a balled plastic fist into his other hand. “Frankly, our jobs are hard enough without any additional dangerous problems. You couldn’t pay me enough right now to get behind the wheel of a Corolla.  So we plan to sit this one out, folks.”

Regional Envoy for Crash Test Union Mannequins Calls for Strike

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ghetto Shaman,

Shamanistic practices are demonic in nature.  A Shaman can open doors, but these doors are not so easily closed. You are toying with some dark practices, sorcerer, practices that can lead to death, possession, or other types of occult bondage.

Susan I.

Moab, UT

Dear Susan,

Oh, you’re no fun anymore.  You do have a point, though.  When I come home really drunk and kick in my front door, it’s really hard to close the next day.  Oh, and on that note, check out one of my favorite lesbian link partners at occultbondage.com.

The Ghetto Shaman

It’s All Over But for the Funeral and for that I Am Sad

The Crank

Betch ya thought this was going to be a Crank rant on the passage of the healthcare Obamanation. WRONG! That will come later, fer sure, wink wink-nudge nudge. No, my dysfunctional and disillusioned little friends, this rant is all about the automobile, a topic I know considerably more about than healthcare. If I was a healthy sort, I guess I would know more about what aids longevity vs. shortgevity. (Hint: the stuff in my fridge promotes the latter.) My last attempt, The Southwest Twinkie diet plan, may not have helped, but thanks to industrial strength preservatives, I will decompose even slower than King Tut (which is certainly a victory of sorts). You see, having misread the “do this and live a long life” book my whole life, I shouldn’t comment about healthcare, with the exception of the pharmacological side.  I have majored in ‘what prolongs one’s life in spite of one’s self,’ or the Pill and Suspension of Dis-be-life.

I was watching the latest episode of my favorite religious program on BBC America, Top Gear, wherein Lord Clarkson was starting his review of the newest version of the Aston Martin Vantage. The typical sideways-drifting, screaming rubber, laughing Clarkson was a no-show for this particular episode. He just drove the car to the backdrop of a soothing wistful type music in the background.  He called the car “Wonderful. Spectacular. Unbelievable.” Then he said something that surprised me. He said, “I never liked test driving cars… I always wanted to be a lumberjack.”  OK, not really, I just get python flashbacks now and again. 

Clarkson believes the Aston Martin Vantage marks, not the beginning of a new glorious car, but the end of an era. The end of all that is “Car.” With the ever present Orwellian photo radar zombie citizen fukkers, and the attacks from the environ-MENTAL-ists, he fears all we know and love about cars is about to come crashing down like so much water-damaged ceiling. He was sad and, more than that, he made me sad…

I don’t like being sad. I take copious amounts of expensive medications so as not to be sad.  Bastard.

It started me thinking, which Herr Zano will tell you is probably a bad thing, but here it goes:

I’m sorry, but how do you marry a 305 horsepower V6, while being fast, and “clean” and “friendly to Mother Oit”?  Enters the hopped up 4 banger. Well, Fuggedeboudit. The 4 bangers, when hopped up, sound like so many Germans on Oktoberfest eve after all the beer and bratwurst. Basically, they sound like farts. Not cool, not powerful, not evil, just, well…gaseous. The V6s, while less ob-noxious, sound like so many angry UPS trucks in a tunnel. I realized this when taking little sister Zano truck shopping recently. We tested the Chevy V6 and Some Jeeps with 4s. It’s as if the clouds parted and someone, possibly God, said, “I could have had a V8!”

It was when we got into the Hemi Dodge Ram, with optional “Performance Exhaust,” that I realized just how good a well-tuned, well-piped V8 sounds. Glorious, just glorious. As sister Zano left considerable layers of new tire at the stop sign in front of the dealer, it became apparent:  it’s about the V8…it always has been. It also occurred to me that sister Zano, just maybe, was a closet gear head, as my head just bobbed around like Stevie Wonder’s, with my eyes closed, reveling in that emanating sound…the good noise.

Less will NEVER be more. Less will NEVER do. It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I’m mad as hell, and not going to take it anymore. You can’t handle the truth, and we’re not going to take it, and several other quotes Winslow probably omitted.

You will pry my hemi from my cold dead hands, or at least my wife will. I will go out with my pedal to the proverbial metal, tires smokin’, with a sound that will surely set off all the car alarms within a four-block radius. And a cavernous smile on my Cranky mug.

I am V8! I will live!

As I was starting to write this, while listening to Spike TV’s Sunday morning car shows, I heard what may be a stay of execution for the big V8.

Chevrolet is working on a Caalifawn-ia emissions 2011 regulation-friendly 450 horsepower V8.

Suddenly two lights appeared at the end of the long dark tunnel and, thankfully, not the tunnel that sounded like the UPS farts.  Know Hemi…Know hope.  Hope even I can believe in.

DRILL BABY DRILL

DAS CRANK

Fledgling Discord Freelancers Felled by Unfriendly Fusillade

Pierce Winslow shoots down another contributor

Philadelphia, PA – Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord and notorious dickhead, shot down yet another potential contributor today. This week it was a cartoonist from the Chicago area, last week it was a writer from Jersey. Winslow is always ready to crush the dreams of young talent wherever they might reside.

“The guy wanted money for material. Are ya kiddin’ me?” said Winslow. “We pay chicken scratch around here. In fact, it’s grade D but edible chicken scratch. If you’re good, maybe you’ll get an upgrade to peanuts. Our year-end bonus is bubkis and last year for Christmas bonuses I gave out a pen set that turned out to be pencils.”

“Yeah, cash, what’s that?” stated Dave Atsals. “I have to barter that chicken feed into people feed. And do you have any idea how pissed-off the IRS gets when you send them a baggie of cracked corn instead of cash?”

Winslow explained that if you want to contribute material to the Daily Discord: “It’s for fame and glory purposes only.”

Winslow went on to explain the intensive editing process, wherein Mick Zano adds Lousy Acronym Jokes (LAC) and then he forwards the document to Dave Atsals, who works his Photoshop magic.

“Then he typically loses the file,” said Zano, “or, more accurately, I lose the file. Weeks or months later someone says something like, ‘What happened to that bit about The Klingon Ice Weasels’ and then there’s this sort of communal shrug, so we keep drinking.”

“It’s better than how the process used to work,” added Atsals.

Dr. Obamacare: or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Healthcare Bill

Mick Zano

Mr. Pernick, Obama is simply preparing you for something Republicans have put off thinking about for a long time…something called the future.  Your view of reality is as short-lived as that new Facebook group, Mohammed Caricature Artists of Damascus (has the meeting been moved to Wed., Abdullah?).  In the immortal words of Dan Akroyd, “Do you want to see something really scary?”  Try reading the UK’s defense plan for the next twenty-five years.  I have.  Soylent Green, it’s Brit folk.  I think sending them all that SPAM during the war has changed their DNA.   Now if we could only find a more eco-friendly way to upgrade yours…

The U.S. doesn’t release such defense documents, because our democracy died somewhere back on 03’.  Gee, who was in charge then?  The numbers and the supplies just don’t add up.  Unless, of course, you are more of a non-Euclidian geometry, Yig-loving, Alex Bone type.  The neococoon hasn’t figured out yet that we’re heading for some troubled waters.  Unfortunately, many in the heartland just plan to drive their Hemi’s to the ‘Seared Meat Barn’ until the bitter end, and future generations be damned.  I understand your dilemma.  You’ve lived your whole lives encased in some seventies’ John Travolta movie.  Example, your defense of our current healthcare system is great for the Mr. Burnses of the world—who are planning to have their heads transferred into Futuramaesque glass stabilization jars—but it’s not so good for the rest of us.  You see, most of us are not going to enter the hospital via the private heliport.  In my state, AZ, in a few weeks, you won’t be able to get to the doctors at the ED through the masses of mentally ill folks swarming like lithium free locusts (LFL).  Oh, and if you saw that last lousy acronym joke (LLAJ), Winslow is asleep on the job (WAJ). 

I know Republicans like to hit the snooze button a lot.  If only they’d sleep through some votes.  The worst aspects of both R and D want to invariably crawl back into some simpler time—but look what it did to those 3D-blue people on Pandora! 

No, Mr. Pernick, I have not read Your Life, Your Choices (AKA, the government’s end of life “So You’re Fucked” handbook), but you do realize the Republican version will be Your Denial, Our Choice.  What’s so wrong about sending out a government-issue “So, You’re Fucked” handbook?  It’s wake up time, peeps.  People should know their end of life options.  I don’t know about you, but I plan on dying at some point, granted, it’s last on my list, but at least it’s on my list.  When the baby boomers retire and the once viable U.S. economy is finally diagnosed properly, the real shit storm will begin.  Big Brother is just trying to warm us up slowly to the impending suckage.  When you have no money, or at least not enough for the Heliport Access Healthcare (HAH!), wouldn’t you rather have the comfort of a “So You’re Fucked” handbook?  I have my own “So You’re Fucked” handbook, it’s called the Bartender’s Black Book.  Plan B is the healthcare bill stack of medical marijuana scripts in my dresser.  Plan C is my Tinfoil Friendly-Hydroponic closet (TFH-THC).  Man, Winslow’s napping. 

You, Mr. Pernick, don’t have a plan at all, do you?  Oh, that’s right, you watch Fox Snooze.

There are other end-of-life views than your more fundamentalist version.  At least atheists and integralists have that in common.  I don’t believe you go to hell if, at ninety-something, you decide to jump into the Grand Canyon rather than face one more day of Nurse Rachett.  I like actor Brian Kieth’s view, “When someone calls you an asshole and you can’t kick the shit out of them, what’s the point?” or some such.

I don’t think it’s worth digging deeply into my children’s inheritance to keep my ticker ticking for six more minutes.  Unless, of course, Nurse Rachett accommodates some last requests.  Then all bets are off.  On that point, I want to go to a “happy ending” nursing home.   I’m sure Vegas will have some by then.   (Start looking for a good one for us now, Tony.  Start in Chinatown.)  Here’s the problem, this book Your Life, Your Choices probably doesn’t contain the same level of denial to which you are accustomed.  Sorry, but for most of us, it makes no sense at ninety something to spend a gazillion dollars to keep us alive for an extra week or two—just ask my family.  But, I agree, it should be an individual’s choice.  If you have the money, go for it.  I am not prepared to blockade the heliport (at least not yet).  Someone may choose tons of late procedures for fear of God’s wrath, fear of death, or a whole lot of other fear paradigms in which Republicans tend to excel.  That’s fine, but the fundamentalist thinkers of the world need to understand that other people have decidedly more pragmatic approaches, involving hookers, or nurses dressed like hookers, or hookers dressed like nurses (again it’s about individual choice and, in some cases, leather).  Some other end of life books, are in there own way, quite spiritual (see: leather).  Take the Tibetan Book of the Dead, for example.  Some embrace the end as a necessary shift that builds each soul toward the next spiritual plane.  Others, driven by spirituality, fly planes into buildings.  Heck, on that note, I may even spring for the two-nurse Buddha booty bye bye.  Sorry about the bill, kids…community college won’t be so bad.

I do agree with your assessment of late term abortions and you are also correct about how curbing populations are a prime governmental focus for the future.  If you read the, er, “techniques” the UK will be employing soon, they are far more extreme.  Well, it’s no more extreme, really, it’s just Brits are more honest about the future.  Another part of this equation is fear.  What you fear, Mr. Pernick, is the shift from fundamentalist thinking (blue) to more scientific/entrepreneurial thinking (orange) to really scary liberal thinking (green).  You are right to fear such societal shifts.  They are no easy trick.  According to Ken Wilber, we can’t forget to pack the important pieces from each level without risking potentially disastrous consequences.  Today’s world is fraught with people insisting we tear down everything that came before it.  Even the new age movement, which I harbor some clear sympathy towards, have whole factions who want to nuke society and climb back into the nearest tree.  This return to Eden shit is for the birds…apparently, they will be living in the branches next to them. 

I have been saying for years that each level needs better and smarter spokespeople. I agree with some things Fox stands for, but the presentation sucks (No, Crank, I am not talking about Megan Kelly—her tits are real fine.  I’m talking about the content.  No, Crank, not the size; they’re perfectly perky Geez, would you let me write here?).  Wilber’s ‘Levels’ are not an indicator of intelligence.  Hitler and Bin Laden are clear examples of super intelligent, morally bankrupt individuals.  I, therefore, have tried to champion and encourage the best from each perspective. AKA, fundamentalism blue level needs better spokes people than Pat Robertson, entrepreneurial orange needs better spokesmen than Bill Krystol and green needs better spokesmen than Michael Moore.  Each, in their own way, are very rigid and will not allow for a progressive growth or shift into the next perspective.  Sometimes I do attack and demean as bad as the Crank, which is hardly integral, but I try to limit my transgression to those worst aspects of each level.  Example, Osama Bin Laden is about the worst version of fundamentalist thinking and John Paul the II may represent the best.  We have much to learn from John Paul, and we need to string the other guy up.  

If our countries’ leaders adopted a more integral approach, the next transition would be a smoother, less violent. I am waiting patiently for Wilber’s Integral Politics for the blueprints.  I am also waiting patiently for Obama to wake up and smell the integral coffee.  Nine states are talking about seceding, which is astounding because these are, for the most part, Bushies and Tea Partiers—those who backed the dismantling of our land our laws and our future.  But let’s let bygones, be bygones. I’ll get over it…someday. I want a real leader to emerge in that Tea Party movement.  Ron Paul may be such a leader.  Whereas I don’t agree with him on a lot of issues, he’s the best they’ve got.  Oh, and Sarah Palin represents about the worst they’ve got.  Fox infuriates me because they always champion the worst of the worst…”the people of the land, the common clay of the new west…you know, morons.” (What movie?)

Jesus Tells Obama to “Grow a Pair”

Jesus Tells Obama to "Grow a Pair"

In an exclusive interview, the Son of God interviewed Barak “Messiah” Obama.  Christ almost immediately called Obama a “whiner” and said today’s political climate was “child’s play” compared to his own experiences.

“You try transitioning mankind from the Old Testament to the New Testament some time,” said Jesus.  “Now that’s change you can believe in.  When I came into power people were stoning gays to death, and God was smiting this and smiting that.  He was taking out whole towns, for My sake.”

When Obama questioned how he handled economic issues, Jesus said, “I, quite literally, turned the tables on the economic gurus of the time.”

But Jesus admitted he was out of control that day, which he attributes to consuming too much “Blood of Me.”  Jesus has never been able to forgive himself for his actions, because “Forgiveness is not my scene, man.”

“Look,” said Jesus, “they can’t do anything worse to you than they did to me.”

When Obama asked him to recount his final moments, Jesus said, “Well, it was a lot better than Mel Gibson’s portrayal in the Passion of the Christ but it was a lot worse than Monty Python’s version in Life of Brian.”

Jesus also admitted the Shroud of Turin was a fake, but that the grilled cheese image from Carolina was legit.

“I just happened to be in town and thought, fry not?” 

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are you Mayan?   You look Mayan.  Did you ever have festivals to honor the Feathered Serpent when you were a kid back in Maya?

Ben

Oshkosh, WI

Dear Ben,

I’m old, but not thousands of years old.  Er…Maya? There was a Seven Deadly Sins Festival held each year in my hometown.  Each day would honor one of the coveted deadly sins.  The festival was actually only six days, though, because no one ever got around to organizing Sloth Day.

The Ghetto Shaman

The Death Book Resurrection by Messiah Obama

Rick Right Pernick

A couple weeks ago the Wall Street Journal published an article on Your Life, Your Choices and this was not directed at 15 year-old cheerleader with an enlarged stomach.  This 53 page booklet, first published during the Clinton Administration, was promoted, by The Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) as a source of information on how to develop a living will.   Bush’s White House was smart enough to realize the contents of the book advocated the perverse benefit of ending one’s own life and nixed the distribution of “The Death Book,” also known as the “Tibetan Book of the Discord.”

I read through this death book and was appalled by the content, not in a dissimilar manner to perusing this website. In virtually every example of disease or disability, the book is designed to project a feeling that perhaps it’s better to die than to live, saving your family and society from the burden of having to take care of you.  There is an exercise in the death book that asks “What makes your life worth living?”  There are four responses you can choose:

  • Life like this would be difficult but acceptable (and it’s illegal to kill the kids)
  • Life like this would be worth living, but just barely (and it’s illegal to kill the wife)
  • Life like this would be not worth living (unless I upgrade to a skinny chick)
  • Life like this would be…can’t answer now

The most positive outlook emphasizes the difficulty of life with the conditions described.  The death book focuses on the discomfort associated with life-sustaining care, and is life really worth living if you have to live in discomfort?  I am an individual with a disability (only part mental), I live in discomfort every day of my life (I write for the Daily Discord), but I’d rather be living than the alternative (say, a lengthy stay at the Ghetto Shaman’s Warrior Nursing Home Retreat). 

Another example deals with the pain one has from undergoing CPR if cardiac arrest occurs, describing the pain one experiences from chest compression and how a collapsed lung may occur for those who survive such compressions.  One is asked to contemplate if they prefer to experience this “pain”, or simply die and be comfortable.  They are encouraging whole factions of our fellow Americans to take the ‘societal big sleep,’ as it were.

Obama, democrats, and the culture of death and discord

As with most democrats, Obama surrounds himself with the culture of death.  He is pro-abortion, including the barbaric act of partial birth abortion, a horrific procedure where the newborn has exited the birth canal more than 50%, and then the baby is murdered, often after he or she has started crying.  (I apologize if the description of this procedure bothered anyone, but people need to understand that abortion does indeed destroy LIFE.)  Obama is pro-infanticide, as a State Senator he voted to prevent health care to babies who survived abortion procedures, allowing healthy babies to die from malnutrition or any other means since this PERSON wasn’t supposed to be permitted to live prior to exiting the womb.  I understand the flipside of this argument as it pertains to most of the Discord’s contributors (but these are the exceptions to the rule).

Now Obama advocates universal health care, but how universal is it?  HR3200 provides coverage to all women seeking abortion.  Since Obama is pro-infanticide, at what age before or after birth can one’s own child be terminated if the mother chooses to do so.  The government will pay to kill a life, but has no interest in providing the health care to sustain the baby’s life.

Obama and HR3200 provides mandatory “end-of-life” every five years for seniors or anyone else who suffers a potential life threatening disease or disorder.  Much of what’s in Obamacare for end of life “coverage” actually promotes death much like the death book.  In fact, While Sarah Palin is taking a beating for her open and honest assessment of Obamacare’s “death panels”, she is correct.  Government through Obama’s so-called stimulus bill provided the administration funding for such a panel to determine who should be provided “funding” based on their financial worth to society.  Obama has said it himself, and I quote “maybe instead of having surgery, it would be better to take a painkiller or see the Ghetto Shaman”.  What he is actually saying is “maybe instead of having LIFE-SUSTAINING surgery, it would be better to take a painkiller UNTIL YOU DIE.”  Everyone knows what Obama means, few other that Rush, Sarah, and I have the courage to communicate it.