Dr. Obamacare: or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Healthcare Bill

Mick Zano

Mr. Pernick, Obama is simply preparing you for something Republicans have put off thinking about for a long time…something called the future.  Your view of reality is as short-lived as that new Facebook group, Mohammed Caricature Artists of Damascus (has the meeting been moved to Wed., Abdullah?).  In the immortal words of Dan Akroyd, “Do you want to see something really scary?”  Try reading the UK’s defense plan for the next twenty-five years.  I have.  Soylent Green, it’s Brit folk.  I think sending them all that SPAM during the war has changed their DNA.   Now if we could only find a more eco-friendly way to upgrade yours…

The U.S. doesn’t release such defense documents, because our democracy died somewhere back on 03’.  Gee, who was in charge then?  The numbers and the supplies just don’t add up.  Unless, of course, you are more of a non-Euclidian geometry, Yig-loving, Alex Bone type.  The neococoon hasn’t figured out yet that we’re heading for some troubled waters.  Unfortunately, many in the heartland just plan to drive their Hemi’s to the ‘Seared Meat Barn’ until the bitter end, and future generations be damned.  I understand your dilemma.  You’ve lived your whole lives encased in some seventies’ John Travolta movie.  Example, your defense of our current healthcare system is great for the Mr. Burnses of the world—who are planning to have their heads transferred into Futuramaesque glass stabilization jars—but it’s not so good for the rest of us.  You see, most of us are not going to enter the hospital via the private heliport.  In my state, AZ, in a few weeks, you won’t be able to get to the doctors at the ED through the masses of mentally ill folks swarming like lithium free locusts (LFL).  Oh, and if you saw that last lousy acronym joke (LLAJ), Winslow is asleep on the job (WAJ). 

I know Republicans like to hit the snooze button a lot.  If only they’d sleep through some votes.  The worst aspects of both R and D want to invariably crawl back into some simpler time—but look what it did to those 3D-blue people on Pandora! 

No, Mr. Pernick, I have not read Your Life, Your Choices (AKA, the government’s end of life “So You’re Fucked” handbook), but you do realize the Republican version will be Your Denial, Our Choice.  What’s so wrong about sending out a government-issue “So, You’re Fucked” handbook?  It’s wake up time, peeps.  People should know their end of life options.  I don’t know about you, but I plan on dying at some point, granted, it’s last on my list, but at least it’s on my list.  When the baby boomers retire and the once viable U.S. economy is finally diagnosed properly, the real shit storm will begin.  Big Brother is just trying to warm us up slowly to the impending suckage.  When you have no money, or at least not enough for the Heliport Access Healthcare (HAH!), wouldn’t you rather have the comfort of a “So You’re Fucked” handbook?  I have my own “So You’re Fucked” handbook, it’s called the Bartender’s Black Book.  Plan B is the healthcare bill stack of medical marijuana scripts in my dresser.  Plan C is my Tinfoil Friendly-Hydroponic closet (TFH-THC).  Man, Winslow’s napping. 

You, Mr. Pernick, don’t have a plan at all, do you?  Oh, that’s right, you watch Fox Snooze.

There are other end-of-life views than your more fundamentalist version.  At least atheists and integralists have that in common.  I don’t believe you go to hell if, at ninety-something, you decide to jump into the Grand Canyon rather than face one more day of Nurse Rachett.  I like actor Brian Kieth’s view, “When someone calls you an asshole and you can’t kick the shit out of them, what’s the point?” or some such.

I don’t think it’s worth digging deeply into my children’s inheritance to keep my ticker ticking for six more minutes.  Unless, of course, Nurse Rachett accommodates some last requests.  Then all bets are off.  On that point, I want to go to a “happy ending” nursing home.   I’m sure Vegas will have some by then.   (Start looking for a good one for us now, Tony.  Start in Chinatown.)  Here’s the problem, this book Your Life, Your Choices probably doesn’t contain the same level of denial to which you are accustomed.  Sorry, but for most of us, it makes no sense at ninety something to spend a gazillion dollars to keep us alive for an extra week or two—just ask my family.  But, I agree, it should be an individual’s choice.  If you have the money, go for it.  I am not prepared to blockade the heliport (at least not yet).  Someone may choose tons of late procedures for fear of God’s wrath, fear of death, or a whole lot of other fear paradigms in which Republicans tend to excel.  That’s fine, but the fundamentalist thinkers of the world need to understand that other people have decidedly more pragmatic approaches, involving hookers, or nurses dressed like hookers, or hookers dressed like nurses (again it’s about individual choice and, in some cases, leather).  Some other end of life books, are in there own way, quite spiritual (see: leather).  Take the Tibetan Book of the Dead, for example.  Some embrace the end as a necessary shift that builds each soul toward the next spiritual plane.  Others, driven by spirituality, fly planes into buildings.  Heck, on that note, I may even spring for the two-nurse Buddha booty bye bye.  Sorry about the bill, kids…community college won’t be so bad.

I do agree with your assessment of late term abortions and you are also correct about how curbing populations are a prime governmental focus for the future.  If you read the, er, “techniques” the UK will be employing soon, they are far more extreme.  Well, it’s no more extreme, really, it’s just Brits are more honest about the future.  Another part of this equation is fear.  What you fear, Mr. Pernick, is the shift from fundamentalist thinking (blue) to more scientific/entrepreneurial thinking (orange) to really scary liberal thinking (green).  You are right to fear such societal shifts.  They are no easy trick.  According to Ken Wilber, we can’t forget to pack the important pieces from each level without risking potentially disastrous consequences.  Today’s world is fraught with people insisting we tear down everything that came before it.  Even the new age movement, which I harbor some clear sympathy towards, have whole factions who want to nuke society and climb back into the nearest tree.  This return to Eden shit is for the birds…apparently, they will be living in the branches next to them. 

I have been saying for years that each level needs better and smarter spokespeople. I agree with some things Fox stands for, but the presentation sucks (No, Crank, I am not talking about Megan Kelly—her tits are real fine.  I’m talking about the content.  No, Crank, not the size; they’re perfectly perky Geez, would you let me write here?).  Wilber’s ‘Levels’ are not an indicator of intelligence.  Hitler and Bin Laden are clear examples of super intelligent, morally bankrupt individuals.  I, therefore, have tried to champion and encourage the best from each perspective. AKA, fundamentalism blue level needs better spokes people than Pat Robertson, entrepreneurial orange needs better spokesmen than Bill Krystol and green needs better spokesmen than Michael Moore.  Each, in their own way, are very rigid and will not allow for a progressive growth or shift into the next perspective.  Sometimes I do attack and demean as bad as the Crank, which is hardly integral, but I try to limit my transgression to those worst aspects of each level.  Example, Osama Bin Laden is about the worst version of fundamentalist thinking and John Paul the II may represent the best.  We have much to learn from John Paul, and we need to string the other guy up.  

If our countries’ leaders adopted a more integral approach, the next transition would be a smoother, less violent. I am waiting patiently for Wilber’s Integral Politics for the blueprints.  I am also waiting patiently for Obama to wake up and smell the integral coffee.  Nine states are talking about seceding, which is astounding because these are, for the most part, Bushies and Tea Partiers—those who backed the dismantling of our land our laws and our future.  But let’s let bygones, be bygones. I’ll get over it…someday. I want a real leader to emerge in that Tea Party movement.  Ron Paul may be such a leader.  Whereas I don’t agree with him on a lot of issues, he’s the best they’ve got.  Oh, and Sarah Palin represents about the worst they’ve got.  Fox infuriates me because they always champion the worst of the worst…”the people of the land, the common clay of the new west…you know, morons.” (What movie?)

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.