Discord to Cancel Draw Mohammed in Drag Day

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Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, has withdrawn his May 25th plans to post dozens of pictures of the Prophet Mohammed in women’s clothing.  Winslow fell under a barrage of pressure to scratch the project, which featured a controversial GIF animation display depicting Mohammed in various clips from Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

Our own Ghetto Shaman stated, “What’s the big deal?  They all dress like girls in the Middle East anyway…just look at Klinger from M*A*S*H.”

“I’m disappointed,” said Winslow. “People need to know the untold story—that Mohammed could accessorize with the best of them.  Mohammed had bling, damn it.  I hate bling.”

South Park creator Trey Parker responded to the Discord’s cowering thusly, “Pussies.”
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Greece is the Word

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The Crank

These days, Greece may also be the turd.  For those of you in a carbohydrate induced coma (CIC), or those of you too busy protesting for more free shit to notice, Europe is akin to a rather large canoe floating steadily down Shit River, with Victoria Falls in the near distance, without a paddle.

The leftists among us want US to be more like Europe?  Europe?  Free healthcare for all, full pay retirement at 53, 30+ days paid vacation, 32 hr work weeks…you know, let’s just hit a hash bar, Europe? We’ll just get the “rich” to pay for it all. Yeah, that’s it, that’s the ticket.  We’ll get that “Rich” fella to pay our way. Well, here’s an announcement for all you Euro-free-ists. Elvis has left the building, and Rich (whoever the fuck he is) has left the continent.  In fact, he took what money you missed with him. He is sitting under a palm tree on Seven Mile Beach on Grand Cayman Island, sipping a Cruzan & Coke, looking at the topless babe laying next to him and laughing at the lot of you.

Oh, no worries…we’ll just get Germany, France and England to bail us out. It worked for Wall Street and the auto companies, didn’t it? Add Spain, Portugal and Italy to the grand total. If you look over your shoulder in your canoe, you will see them right behind you, flailing away with their hands as the falls near. The Germans will just love bailing out stupid people, won’t they? They will own you. Why don’t we just see how big Germany can get? With all apologies to Herr Mikko, it didn’t turn out so good in the forties. 

Let’s see just what you did wrong. First, all of the above. Second, as Thatcher once said in a high pitched voice “you do eventually run out of other people’s money.”  This is what you want US to become? What happened in Greece is their Black Market economy became larger than their actual economy. No one was paying anything to the government, but all were receiving, and then some. It’s what happens to humans when you promise us everything. Once we get used to it, we want it all, and in perpetuity. It’s called “A Welfare State.” Clinton (the one with the penis; OK, the male one; OK, the one in the pants; OK, the one with hairy legs; OK, the one with testicular fortitude; OK, I give up…you figure it out) did the right thing in getting us as far away from that as possible, and now you want to go backwards? Those who didn’t learn anything by watching New York City in the seventies are destined to relive it.

Now you have Greeks protesting cuts in spending to keep from being the first modern country to file for bankruptcy. AKA: “We want our free shit, and we don’t care how you pay for it!”

Progressive policies can not work, for we are only human, and dis aint no Star Trek episode.  If it is, I get the green drink and the green chick. To paraphrase Popeye: we am what we am. Listen up, you progressive dorks, and burn this into what’s left of your brains: Socialism has never worked anywhere, and will never work. Communism/socialism = epic fail.

Please, now, Mr. Obama, we need you to do one thing for us. Go back to Shitcago and give the whole President thing up for a bad idea. Oh, and take your progressive Czars with you.

Crank This.
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Hawk V. Alien: Hawking Calls for Preemptive Attack on All Class M Planets

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Hawk V. Alien: Hawking Calls for Preemptive Attack on All Class M Planets

Cambridgeshire, GB—Stephen Hawking insists we must Avoid All Contact with Aliens (AACA).

“First, those cowboys over at SETI must be stopped! Second, we need to intercept and destroy Voyager.  Sending out a deep space probe with directions back to Earth was the stupidest thing Carl Sagan ever did, barring Contact.”

Hawking went on to describe Jodie Foster’s performance as “appalling.”

Hawking is also calling for world leaders to consider a preemptive attack on all known class M planets.  When our own Cokie Mcgrath pointed out how the Class M planet is a fictional Star Trek reference, Hawking drove his wheelchair repeatedly over her toes. Earlier today, Netflix leaked Hawking’s movie rental list, which included a number of fifties sci-fi invasion movie classics.

Hawking denies the films influenced his opinion, before saying, “They’re already among us! Keep looking up!” and, “It’s a cookbook!”

Hawking believes an actual alien encounter would be similar to the movie Mars Attacks–a film Hawking believes has “an eerie almost prophetic realism,” but he warned, “don’t count on Slim Whitman’s yodeling to save us.”

Hawking then quoted an interstellar version of Cheney’s One Percent Doctrine, “If there’s even a one percent chance the aliens have an Illudium Q-36 Space Modulator, as seen on Bugs Bunny, we should blast the shit out of ‘em.”
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book A Shaman’s Guide to Smokable Houseplants, you referenced something called the Golden Age of Public Masturbatory Practices.  Whaaa?

Jon M.

Rehoboth, MD

Dear Jon,

Ah yes, GAPMP.  To fully understand this important aspect of my teachings, you would really have to join one of my weekly enlightenment jerkshops.

The Ghetto Shaman
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Stout and Java: the Next PB&J?

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Mick Zano

Many years ago, when I saw the cast of Friends hanging out all night in some coffee shop, I thought, wow, here’s a fad that won’t last. I meant to say: Friends—an awful show—I knew coffee shops had a place in my future, in the same way that Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox probably did not.  I only came to appreciate coffee, and those gathering niches that serve it, after I actually owned the laptop myself.  Besides, what did we do in coffee shops before laptops?  Knit?

Back in the day, the only time I entered a coffee shop was nursing a hangover.  So, of course, my younger days of the barista were rather skewed, as I was typically nauseas, delirious, and often asked to leave.  Not too dissimilarly to the experience when frequenting bars the night before.  Heck, back then that was the usual routine to the Discord gang, when saddling up to any given establishment.  I only started getting into coffee and java joints later in life.  This transformation happened when my doctor said my liver was larger than some Greek Islands and that I might want to consider my own zip code for it.

On a business trip the other day, I drove about as far south as one can drive and still be in the U.S. and I ended up in a town called Bisbee—a little burg where Groom Lake (William Shatner, 2000) was filmed and the miserable flick was thankfully buried in a nearby mine shaft.  There are seven bars worth entering in Bisbee.  I know, because I went into all of em’. But they were mostly empty, aside from one where William Shatner was bullying tourists into booking with Price Line.  I even sent Winslow an email from the Copper Queen Hotel, where I sat outside sipping a 90 Shilling IPA.  I was writing that really awful faux article about the Polish plane crash. If Dante’s version of the afterlife is correct, then that politically incorrect yuck-yuck should drop me down a level or two.

My first thought upon rolling into town was, “Who the hell put Jerome, Arizona here?”

So, after my solo bar tour, I decided on a coffee crawl.  You see, as you get older, the headaches and hangovers don’t wait until the next morning.

The Bisbee Coffee Company did not disappoint.  A great Americano!  I don’t know if it’s Seattle’s influence or what, but the coffee out west beats the shit out of the east coast equivalent.  It’s strange, because in my NY family someone went to get the best bread, some else was sent to the best butcher, and someone else was sent to the best bakery…but then we drank watered down Maxwell House.  Why is good coffee so hard to come by in the, otherwise, land of plenty?  En route to the Bisbee Coffee Co., I was nearly run over by a biker gang.  While I hit the can, the bikers beat me to the counter, where I had to watch these leathery clad gents order a round of mocha latte crappachinos.  Real men drink espresso.

The barista asked, “leave room for cream?” and I immediately countered with “Whip cream is for burly biker types”

I got a rare laugh while I snuck a peak over my shoulder to make sure the bikers didn’t hear me.  After all, I will die for a good joke. I think there are few things people who know me would agree upon, that’s probably one of them.  Today, most people don’t get my humor.  OK, never mind, it’s always been like that.

Speaking of which, I bought a nice cigar in Prescott last week.  I always say last week.  It was probably in the seventies.  I watched the young lady behind the humidor masterfully clip off the end of my Ashton Churchill and then somehow slid that bitch right back into the thin plastic sleeve that it came in.

I said “Damn, I’ve never been able to master that maneuver.” 

She called security.

Now back in the day, Drew Carey had a show…forget the name of it.  Anyway, his beverage of choice was always some beer and java combo.  His motto was why not mix your favorite two things, or some such.  I tried that once—cost me two relationships.   The mixture of coffee and stout beer is actually growing in popularity and, at the time, I thought Drew Carey was mad.  Whatever happened to that guy anyway?  Wasn’t he kicked off a Southwest flight recently?  Anyway, about four years ago, (AKA the seventies) Otto’s Brewery in State College, PA started brewing a Sumatra stout.  Certain batches were amazing—one of the best beers I’ve ever had! My wife is not much of a beer drinker.  She prefers to hang out with whip cream toting Harley types.  But, boy, she could suck down those coffee stouts.  She could pound those puppies like Dick Cheney.  Dick doesn’t like beer much either, but he loves to pound puppies. 

As I sat in that Bisbee coffee shop, I wondered what would happen if you just mixed a stout with a coffee?  I really do think this way.  My neurologist says it’s due to head trauma and pot use, but that’s another story—a tale that ended with some chick breaking a skull bong over my head (which might explain a couple of things). I figured the best place to put this deductive gem into effect was in Prescott, as Flagstaff has a great coffee shop and a great brewery right across the street from each other.  But my experiment wouldn’t work there unless I wanted to practice my alchemy while avoiding oncoming traffic.  In Prescott there’s The Raven, which always has wonderful beer on tap and a great Sumatra coffee brewing (free refills).  So, in that same establishment, I would discover the true art of mixing a great stout with a superb cup of joe.  Fuck the brewing process.  It’s overrated anyway.  So, I will return to this article this Saturday at The Raven with a brew and a bold steamy cup in front of me.  See you at The Raven.  Never more… 

Well, here I am atop one of the greatest drinking establishments this side of the Rio Grande.  They recently opened up a roof top bar. Arggg! They don’t have any stouts on nitrous. Last time I was here, Max had more stouts on tap.  Stupid spring.  So I tried it with an imperial stout from Sierra Nevada and the Raven’s espresso.  I mixed a small sample of the concoction as not to wreck the whole drink and….here we go.

Er, I think I will try this again someday when they get the Left Hand Milk Stout back—an imperial stout just won’t cut it.  I need nitrous (who doesn’t, right?).  All right, that was not horribly inspiring…like most of my work.  Now what should I do?  I think I will mix flirting with alcohol.  Yeah, that’s the ticket.  Probably a better mix anyhow…  

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Heroin Addicts Protest Military’s Plan to Eradicate Opium in Afghanistan

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Heroin Addicts Protest Military’s Plan to Eradicate Opium in Afghanistan

Washington, DC—Heroin addicts everywhere are protesting the Obama Administration’s decision to interrupt the flow of opium production across Afghanistan.

“Farmers everywhere should be able to grow whatever herbs, vegetables, or Oxycotton trees they see fit,” said Rush Limbaugh.

Chip “Chipper” Smith had this to say, “This will have unintended consequences for small businessmen across America.  Soon I’ll have to pay for government run healthcare and there’s not an ER within fifty-miles that will even let me the fuck in. Talk about the audacity of dope!“

Several dozen people arrived outside the White House to protest the military’s focus on curtailing Afghani opium production.  Most of their signs were not upright, however, and the group seemed rather lethargic.

One unidentified man holding a sign reading ‘Vicodin for Victory’ had this to say, “I think there should be…………………I think there.  They better not stop the opium production because…”  Upon waking, the man added, “I don’t think there should be…….”

The non-violent, some seemingly non-breathing, protestors plan to assemble again at this same spot tomorrow, right after the methadone clinic closes but before the pubs open—a time known to local heroin addicts as the Tweaklight Zone.
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Arizona’s Crawdad Menace and Other Disturbing Observations

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Alex Bone

Caved-in-Shack, AZ—Something deeply disturbing is happening in Arizona.  No, I’m not talking about Janet Brewer, Immigration laws, or Mick Zano’s naked bar crawls….I’m talking about something reaaalllly disturbing.  Back when I was shelling out ten bucks a bag in New Orleans for mini-lobsters known as crawdads, how could I have known a few years later these same bastards would be on the verge of destroying my state’s ecosystem?

In case you are unaware, crayfish or crawdads are not native to the states west of the Rockies, like funding for education and the arts.  Over the years, scores of intrepid crawdads died trying to traverse the Rockies.  Most eventually gave up and settled in Denver to open microbreweries…very small ones, obviously, or micro-microbreweries.

In a similar manner to the republican migration, crawdads have crept into the southwest and have invaded our delicate ecosystem with their big trucks and their wild tea parties. These evil little beasts have infected the streams and lakes in every part of my home state—not to mention their racially charged immigration bills.

Similar to the red state’s pro-Christian stance, many of these crayfish were introduced through a misconception of facts. A statewide program for seventh-graders had the children studying these, nearly impossible to kill, cockroaches from hell. Then, at the end of the school year, in a truly misguided attempt at environmentalism, teachers had their students dump this destructive invasive species into every stream and pond across our fair state.  This is why eco-friendly people are often only slightly more devastating to our planet than the Sarah Palin’s of the world.  Hey, maybe Sarah can shoot crawdads from her chopper?

Once in our formally tranquil waters, these demonic (yet tasty) crayfish begin to devour everything in their path, much like laws enacted by our governor’s red pen.  Soon all aquatic life is killed off.  After this eradication comes the demise of all plant life. Without plants there is nothing to recycle to carbon dioxide other than algae—not to mention, there’s nothing to smoke. This turns clear streams and lakes into murky dark pools, where the crawfish now have no choice other than to eat each other in a dark cannibalistic frenzy, not dissimilar to Zano’s naked bar crawls.

As a follower of Yig, I find the loss of frogs and other amphibians across our state the most depressing aspect of this crustacean invasion. Even the most selfish swimmer cannot be enjoying a wade into the murk with crawfish nipping at your toes, unless they’re trying to save money on a pedicure.

So what can we do to stem the tide of evil and death that is sweeping over the west? The answer is simple. All crawfish must be boiled alive and eaten, preferably with butter sauce.  Boil that crayfish, boil that crayfish. Boil! Boil!  Devour those selfish shellfish, munch on those crusty-aceans, cook those lobster mobsters, can those crabby…I’m being told to stop.

It is only fitting that we, the species responsible for started this plague, sacrifice our time to eat as many of these delicious morsels as possible. It’s a rough job, but sometimes sacrifices must be made. And, if such sacrifices involve eating endless piles of buttery white meat that tastes like lobster, then so be it.

Leave no stone unturned!  (Literally.)

So, my fellow Americans, pick up your nets, your traps, your spears, and maybe some of those concealed handguns, and let’s go crawdadding!  Book your Coconino County Crawdad Chopper Safari with Alex Bone today!
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Bat Boy of Weekly World News Mauls The Onion’s Area Man

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Bat Boy of Weekly World News Mauls The Onion’s Area Man

Chicago, IL­ – The Onion’s Area Man, known for such cutting edge commentary as Area Man Depressed Despite Happy Hour and Area Man to Rent All Planet of the Apes Movies, has been seriously injured by Bat Boy. Bat Boy, of Weekly World News fame, is known for such controversial headlines as Bat Boy Uses Radar to Procure Hookers as well as Bat Boy On Ice!

The handlers of Bat Boy claim, “He’s just an excitable Bat Boy.”

They also believe Area Man must have taunted him, or said something to offend Bat Boy’s delicate sensibilities.

“Or he was just hungry,” added Gob Breenberger, editor of the Weekly World News. “Bat Boy eats twice his own body weight each day, which is why we don’t usually let him out unsupervised.”  When asked why he was out unsupervised, Breenberger said, “I said usually, asshole.”

On a related note, Batman denies fathering Bat Boy and was unavailable for comment.  However, the following entry appeared on Batman’s Facebook page yesterday, “If that psycho bitch goes for child support, I’ll introduce her to my Bat Bat.”  Batman went on to complain about his continued efforts to find an appropriate name for his baseball bat.
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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

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Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am a shaman.  I have lived for many months with the Warao of Eastern Venezuela.  I have consumed wild tobacco, nicotiana rustica, and have had hallucinations of the origins of DNA itself! I have also spoken to the jaguar.  You do a disservice to our ilk.

Tye

Tuba City, AZ

Dear Tye,

Yeah, well I’ve eaten cigarettes and driven around hallucinating about TNA. And I didn’t have to go all the way to Venezuela to talk to my car, bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman
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Serious Solutions Sought for Sesame Street’s Social Slide

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L. Wolfe

My two toddlers were watching Sesame Street the other day.  I’m just happy when they stop playing Resident Evil. So I decided to sit down and watch one of my favorite childhood shows with them.  First off, I am first generation Sesame Street watcher, so I figured it would be some good family time.  Besides, I always try to put on a good facade when the social workers are “visiting.”

Remember, Prairie Dawn?  Not the eighties movie about some Ruskie invasion, the  Sesame Street character (I sort of had a crush on her when I was a kid), Grover, Bert & Ernie (their unique lifestyle never crossed my mind as a child), Herry Monster, Kermit, and best of all, Cookie Monster.  Has there ever been a kid who didn’t like Cookie Monster?  If so, that’s a diagnosable Axis II personality disorder in my book.  Every kid wanted to eat cookies like Cookie Monster did but, alas, most of us had supervision.

While watching Sesame Street with my two young daughters, I enjoyed the nostalgia of it all…that lasted about twelve seconds.  My viewing experience was dashed with one Cookie Monster segment.  Cookie Monster wasn’t eating cookies.  No skit where Prairie tries to keep Cookie from eating her letter C (don’t go there. This isn’t the Ghetto Shaman’s column).  No Cookie Monster semi-Socratic justifications that invariably lead to a cookie feeding frenzy, no cookie crumbs flying everywhere.  Instead, he was promoting carrots. 

CARROTS…!  Are you freaking kidding me?  Is he Bugs frigging Bunny? I was ready to bitch slap Michelle Obama right then and there. So I asked my daughters about this, and they said, “Don’t bitch slap the first lady, daddy.  She has a point.” 

So Cookie Monster only eats cookies twice a week, the other days he eats “healthy” food.   Excuse me?  Did I miss something here?  Isn’t his name COOKIE MONSTER?  Not Carrot Monster, not Celery Monster, not Cabbage Monster, not Corn Monster, or Henson forbid, Carrot Top…He’s the Cookie Monster!  Well, he used to be Cookie Monster.  Now he’s not half the Monster he used to be—maybe 2/5 or perhaps even 3/7 if you count re-reruns.  Although, maybe cookies are a gateway snack to harder confectionary treats…

Do the Sesame Street producers really believe that kids eat too many sweets and get fat and lazy because of Cookie Monster’s influence?  Really?  So I suppose his unique mastery of Monster slang butchering the English language doesn’t impact them at all?  I mean, if they are eating poorly because of Cookie Monster, wouldn’t it be fair to say their language skills are being impaired by him?  Seems we should clean up his language skills too.  Even as Alistair Cookie, his language skills need some work.  Elmo probably has a similar impact, as he talks about himself in third person consistently.  Of course, Elmo suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder, or third person disorder (PC note: DID, also known as multiple personality disorder, is a serious mental disorder that impacts 6-10% of the population).  In fact, all of those characters probably need to be cleaned up a bit in order to improve society.  Yeah, that’s the ticket.  Let’s save our youth and treat our Sesame Street characters.   The Sesame Street producers should rethink the entire cast and do their part in reducing many issues in society.  Here are some of my ideas:

  • Oscar needs to take a friggin’ bath, the dude is disgusting. He also needs to stop contradicting himself all the time.  Honestly, the guy is a Grouch, he is supposed to like being miserable.  It seems, though, that anytime someone does something nice for him, he absolutely hates that he hates it.  Shouldn’t he love that he hates it?  You’d think he’d want people being nice to him all the time so he could love to hate it.  Then of course he would hate that he loves to hate it, and so on.  He sounds like a fraud!

    (Treatment: life skills group and anger management classes.)
  • Big Bird…fess up.  We know you really love to sneak out at night to fly over NYC and crap on things. Just admit it.  Get honest.  It’s all his pent up anger from the death of Mr. Hooper.

    (Treatment: grief counseling and psychotherapy to get over his anal stage).
  • Bert and Ernie just need to come out of the closet and stem this homophobia tide.

    (Treatment: rent Priscilla Queen of the Desert.)
  • Prairie Dawn really did want to be a porn star.  She had a tough childhood and it wasn’t her fault. And if she gets involved with the Governor of NY, it’s OK, she can still make a living from her appearances on Muppets Gone Wild.

    (Treatment: self-esteem building and Muppet empowerment classes.)
  • It’s OK if Elmo needs to go see the Sesame Street therapist.  Millions of Americans do it, and we shouldn’t put a stigma on it.  He’s not fooling anyone anyway, with his DID and his own show called “Elmo’s World”, I mean honestly.  Clearly the dude needs help.


    (Treatment: one session with a wood chipper or similar APA approved device.)
  • We all know that Snuffleupagus really is Big Bird’s imaginary friend, and that nobody else on Sesame Street can see him.  Just be honest with Big Bird so he can get some help.  He can even tag along with Elmo when he goes to the Sesame Street psych unit.

    (Treatment: Zyprexa, Zyprexa, Zyprexa.)
  • We can all admit that Grover can’t hold a steady job.  Send him to some job counseling and give him a nice suit.  Just show they can become productive citizens.

    (Treatment: vocational rehabilitation.)
  • Count von Count is a vampire and he drinks blood, face it.  And yes, PETA, that means some animals have to die.  It’s OK though, because maybe he drinks the blood drained from dead cattle in Chicago slaughterhouses.  See? It’s all good.

    (Treatment: cognitive behavioral therapy to treat his out of control OCD and some jail time for cruelty to animals.)
  • It’s obvious to me that Herry Monster has a tumor impacting his Pituitary Gland.  Giantism is a debilitating condition, and it’s preventable.

    (Treatment: surgery and a Hollywood Muppet makeover session.)
  • Gordon and Bob smoke dope, go to Mike Weir concerts, and support various hemp legalization lobbies. They have medical conditions.  Really.

    (Treatment: enough medical marijuana to stone the entire eastern seaboard.)

Today’s feature article was brought to you by “what the H!”  And the “I stepped in number 2.”
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Vatican to Use Harry Potter’s ‘Sorting Hat’ to Pick Next Pope

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Vatican to Use Harry Potter’s ‘Sorting Hat’ to Pick Next Pope

Rome, IT (or thereabouts)—Vatican officials, along with someone known only as the Albino Priest, have decided to “switch it up” for their next pope picking extravaganza.

When asked if the decision to use the ‘Sorting Hat’ from the wildly popular Harry Potter series might be deemed “way too f-ing Pagan” by some of the parishioners, the Vatican had this to say, “The gig is up, the cat is out of the bag, the fat lady is singing, and the altar boys are pressing charges. In no way will people continue to buy the whole ‘divinely picked thing’ at this point. Besides, it’s not like we haven’t absorbed some Pagan stuff before.”

The Vatican believes that “whatever they choose to pick the next Pope couldn’t be worse.”

The Albino Priest had this to say, “We hope to just incorporate parts of the Potter series into our faith. The Gospel of Dumbledore is due to release in June, and you can’t tell me we won’t gain some popularity with the young’ins with our Christ Church of Wizardry.”

As part of the deal, R.K. Rowling will be awarded an entire wing of the Vatican for weekly treasure baths.

“Rumors to divide the Catholic Church into congregations like Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, or Hufflepuff are just that, rumors,” said the Albino Priest. “Now if we could only get the sorting hat to stop picking Cardinal Snape.”

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Dumb and Hummer

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The Crank

Here is a recent quote from Penn Jillette, the Vegas magician-slash-entertainer, on the demise of Hummer as a brand, “If any part of the Hummer going belly-up are those government rules we’re putting in on miles per gallon, or us taking over of GM, then I’m not just sad, I’m also angry. Lack of freedom can be measured directly by lack of stupid. Freedom means freedom to be stupid. …You don’t need any freedom to go with majority opinion. … We need to protect other people’s stupid to save freedom for all of us.”

I want to zero in on one sentence in particular: we need to protect other people’s stupid to save freedom for all of us. Never truer words were spoken. In this one little sentence, we find the entire foundation of our freedoms—the inalienable right to be a dork (which has, incidentally, influenced the Ghetto Shaman’s next book, The Tao of Stupid). It’s easy for a world full of sane, levelheaded intelligent people to all get along, just look at Star Trek, or the Senate :). But add to the mix a people whose main objective in life is to be on MTV as someone throws bowling balls at his privates.  Only then do you begin to see how, if we can’t be free to do that, then we are not truly free.

Just like Penn is free to spend a fortune on a home that looks like a women’s prison, (clearly a sex fantasy of his) we all benefit from his right to do so. That doesn’t make any of it any less friggin scary, just free. Hummers, Pintos, Gremlins, Yugos with ‘dubs’—the “dorky” list goes on. Even the great philosopher Abnormal Albert Yankovic wrote of the benefits of stupid in a wonderful soliloquy called Dare to Be Stupid and also in perhaps his most moving piece: Pretty Fly for a White Guy.

We are not truly free if you never see a pick-up with a fake atom bomb on a gun rack in the rear window (or a set of fake testicles hanging from the trailer-hitch). Just as we can never be truly free if we don’t see an English professor driving a Prius with his bearded smile thinking on some misguided level he’s doing the right thing (even though the power from his local power plant comes from burning coal). Stupidity, being fully accepted as a right, may just be the answer we are all looking for. It seems lately that if your ideas “stray” from the mainstream in either direction, you are completely unacceptable to the other side. For truly “liberal” thinkers this is an oxymoron, for the very word is supposed to mean “open to new ideas.” For the far, far right, just moron (sans oxy).

Does watching Xena reruns on the lesbian channel in the middle of the night with the sound off make me unacceptable? I think not…well, maybe a little. Or does Mikko have the right to blog what he is actually thinking in a public forum?  (well, there are boundaries to the rights of stupid and I applaud Zano’s deep exploration of them).

While we must protect our stupid, that doesn’t necessarily mean we should elect and pay them for their stupid, we must: just fight for their right to be stupid. While I will fight for Nancy Pelosi’s right to appear as a Michael Jackson (after the surgery) impersonator, I don’t want her in a position of any importance. While I adamantly insist on the right for Sarah Palin to appear in my nightly forays into the cerebral dark side, I also may not want her in any kind of important position…well, er…nevermind (which reminds me, hey Mikko, can I have a hard copy of the Lynn Cheney pic where she’s in the Nazi getup? I’m going to visit Penn’s prison and we’re making it a theme weekend. Thanks).

With this in mind, I have created the next Amendment to the Constitution: The right of the people to be secure in their own personal stupid, shall not be infringed upon.

Our other problem with stupidity is fear. We fear stupid. We all have a tendency to fear what we don’t understand. When, in reality, we are all just stupid in different directions. Maybe, since stupid is in such ample supply, we should all become more familiar with it. Being a member of my extended family has brought me as close to it as I will ever want to be, but some of you from more normal environs may want to take advantage of my own personal stupidity farm by paying a visit. It might ease you into this whole stupid thing.  Oh, but on your visit to the floor of hell, otherwise known as Phoenix, remember this handy trick: did you ever wish you could pee your pants anywhere in front of anybody and get away with it? Well, here in the Valley of the Sun, it will evaporate before it reaches the outer layer of your clothing.  I have invented a word for this, my own personal singlet if you will—the verb to pissappear [piss-uh-peer].

Or would you rather breathe air so thin that you walk around knowing what it’s like to be asphyxiated? In that case, a trip up the mountain to Mikko’s would be in order. I sometimes think the lack of oxygen up there explains his views.

Obama is as Obama does.

The (I am pissing as we speak) Crank
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Jesus to be Brought Before Grand Jury in Church Abuse Case

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Jesus to be Brought Before Grand Jury in Church Abuse Case

Vatican City, um, Vatican City – According to Discord sources, Jesus Christ, alias “Dave,” was recently issued a subpoena in the ongoing Catholic Church child molestation investigation. As the “Christ” figure in the “Vicar of Christ” moniker, he is being painted as the kingpin of an organized child molestation community.

“’Suffer the little children cum unto me [Luke 18:16]’? I think that says it all,” stated Hymie Fez, Chief Lawsuit Filer. “On top of that, he’s the guy that appointed that Pope…um…accomplice.”

At a minimum, the Savior is in grave danger of losing his position as hiring manager.

The Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, did some seedy investigation and turned up some publicly known evidence. Apparently Jesus and his alleged father were behind a series of nine, mass ride-through slashings beginning in 1095.

“We also have him tied to some 278,000 counts of the sale of indulgences,” said Fez. “Imagine a guy in his position being stupid enough to get into petty number-running.”

The FBI, in conjunction with Interpol, are setting up a series of sting operations in order to capture this fiend. Every month there is a landslide of reports of pictures of the culprit in places like potato chips, cheese sandwiches, and insane asylums, but the Lord is proving to be evasive. This has led to the formation of vigil-ente patrols.

“We get leads from the media,” remarked  Wil Gettum, leader of the vigil-ente organization. “We hear that he’ll be in town every now and then. Cosmic alignments, comet-passings, and big-shit droppings all bring in a lot of reports. But he has yet to show himself.”

Until concrete evidence comes to light, the vigil-ente community will be spending a lot of time in church.
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