Tehran, IR—The State Department is hailing the recent development of Iran’s decision to convert their uranium enrichment facilities into breweries as a “major achievement”. Iran won’t have any power but they will have porters. The United Nations supports Iran’s decision to brew beer and approved the distribution of cans, bottles, and growlers. They have yet to give Tehran the go-ahead to produce 22 oz. bombers as there remains a lingering fear that this could be a gateway size.
Iran Brewery will feature several flagship beers including a dry-hopped Infidel IPA, a Sharia Sour, a peach-flavored Genocider, and a Death to American Pale Ale. The Mohammed Malt Liquor was pulled from the racks, however, after an artist died on the rack for what Iran officials are calling “a label design mishap.”
Secretary of State John Kerry said, “I am very pleased with Iran’s decision to take a page from the Great Satan and have a great time! I stayed an extra few days on the tax payer’s dime just to attend their Fatwa Firkin Friday. Wow, those Mullahs can party like it’s nine hundred and ninety nine.”
President Obama said, “I’m looking forward to trying their first seasonal beer, a Behead Imperial Red. Yum! I’ll tell you what, those Iranian brewers Ji-had me from hello!”
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is condemning the opening of the brewery in the strongest possible terms. “This brewery pales in comparison to our own HeBrew Pale Ale, but I am more concerned that once Iran has such a facility this could trigger an ales race across the Middle East.”