UnPresidented? Obama Using Temp Agency To Fill Supreme Court Vacancy


Washington—President Barack Obama is using his executive authority to appoint a temporary Supreme Court Justice to the bench. The President is not interested in having a long vacancy for this critical position. Critics claim utilizing such temp agencies for the highest court in the land would be inappropriate. Republicans are calling the move “dumb” and “stupid.” They would like to expand on those criticism once Thesaurus.com is back up and running.  Obama responded, “We admit this is less than ideal, but our Human Resource Department is really struggling to fill key positions of late. The judges are all covered under Obamacare, which is actually part of the problem. It really only covers on-the-job accidents that occur while legislating like, for instances, hitting your hands with the gavel, or tripping on your robes while approaching the bench. Oh, and those death panels are also covered for judges, depending on who is president at the time.”

Press Secretary Jay Carney is defending the move. “This is not a lifetime appointment. We are contracting a temp only until a fulltime replacement is nominated. This is also not unprecedented. Although Millard Fillmore didn’t actually use a temp agency to fill a SCOTUS position, he did appoint Carol from accounting to the Supreme Court. She was later pivotal in the landmark decision banning people from entering establishments without shoes and shirts.” Carney also cited the actions of Harry S. Truman, who tried to involve a temp agency after Supreme Court Justice Murphy started hosting what he called “an endless naked barcrawl.”

President Obama added, “We need to move forward with this plan. I am not going to confirm anyone in this environment, so I admit the Garland gag was a little cruel. I thought about re-nominating Bush’s disastrous pick, Harriet Miers. Remember that? I know, it’s horrible of me, but I would have paid the girl…79 cents on the dollar. Ha!”
[Lilly Tempbetter Act joke removed by the editor, placed in a small brown bag, and flung into the Schuylkill River]
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