Attempt to Fly Texas Panhandle to Gulf Deemed ‘Abysmal Failure’

If it truly is all about location, location, location, then the desolate Texas panhandle is fated to remain the barren wasteland that it is today. Gulf front property is allegedly the real inspiration behind the multitudes of ‘wind generators’ dotting the northern Texas landscape.

“We’re sick of being permanently wedged between the suckier parts of Oklahoma and the suckier parts of Texas,” states project manager Biff Ayers.  “Why should gulf towns have all the fun?”  Ayers is not discouraged by the fact that the 26,000 square-mile landmass has not moved an inch since the onset of the covert operation: Project Institute Mobilization of Panhandle (PIMP).

“In retrospect positioning the fans to face north would have helped,” admits Ayers.  “It’s just as easy to get these things right, you know.”  The Daily Discord is astounded by the naivety of this ill-fated endeavor, and our own CEO Pierce Winslow believes it would take “easily twice as many fans” to get this plan off the ground.

Help, I Accidentally Turned on Hannity’s America Last Week!

Mick Zano

I really don’t watch Hannity’s America, for obvious reasons, but what with the world ending and all, there was nothing else on…and, well, I guess I was kind of wondering if he was exhibiting anything resembling one of the three “R”s of incessantly wrongful journalism: remorse, regret, or reality. 

Admittedly, I only caught 20 minutes of the show as I had to turn on Saw II periodically to de-escalate.  But I have to say that I am truly stunned by how this guy operates.  He spent his hour-long show, or at least what I could stand of it, praising Bush. You heard right: an hour-long show, and—get this—he listed Bush’s “accomplishments.”  How many times can one say, “We haven’t been hit again since 9/11” and “Bush’s tax cuts should remain permanent”?  I suggest Mr. Hannity learn how to say them in other languages, to add both variety and a certain panache.  The most stunning thing uttered was this exchange between The Hannster and Karl Rove (paraphrased for your reading enjoyment): “Bush inherited a recession from Clinton—a recession—but where was the media outrage then?  Sure, now we’re in an economic slowdown….”

An economic slowdown?

I repeat: an economic slowdown.

W. inherited a “recession,” but this is an “economic downturn”?  Hannity can’t even say “recession” when a Republican is in office and never did mention the word to the best of my limited knowledge of him, unless of course referring to the “Great Clinton Recession of 1999,” where many a young executive consumed only 17 Mocha Deluxe Frappuccinos a day instead of 18.  Granted unemployment was up for a time, but the country stabilized relatively quickly.  This situation is a tad different.  And here is a prediction about Mr. Propaganda: He will only be able to say “depression” when he puts the word “Democratic” or “Obama” in front of it.  Trust me on this one. 

Now, I realize that Ann Coulter found a way to fill a niche.  She saw a business opportunity and plays things over the top, in the same way Howard Stern picks his questions for the barrage of naked lesbians flooding his studio.  Sean, though, is a White House spokesperson…but does he really believe the shit coming out of his own mouth?  I psychologically assess people for a living and often determine whether they need psychiatric inpatient care.  I have made my assessment.  Dr. Killpatient, have the Thorazine ready. 

Throughout the rest of the hour-long show, Sean repeatedly bludgeoned Al Gore for not practicing what he preaches and for politicizing global warming.  I actually agree that he has a point on this one—one I won’t even argue—but let’s juxtapose the articles in the paper from the same day that his show aired, shall we?  Funny thing; no Gore articles.  One news article discussed the arctic ice shelf’s precarious situation and how it is currently on the verge of collapsing outright, and the rest of the Drudge Report was filled to the brim with mind-numbingly bad news for the economy—again, all ignored.  Sean “forgot” to mention these current events during his Bush victory lap.  Oh, and let’s not forget his first riveting segment on Blagojevich and how corrupt all Illinois politicians are (hint, hint: Illinois). Who else is from Illinois?  Hmmm…? 

There should be warnings for this show, like “May induce vomiting,” or “Do not watch if taking nitrates, as this may cause an unsafe rise in blood pressure.”

Thank God for Saw II.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Mr. Ghetto Shaman,

You are a disgrace!  I read what I could stomach of your latest degenerative drivel, Spiritual Healing Through Sex with Me, and I am just wondering how you could possibly sleep at night, you sick bastard?

Tanya Moore

Yuma, AZ

Dear Tanya,

If you had read my entire work, you would know how I sleep at night.  Re-read my chapter on drunken orgasms entitled: The Mad-Dog Dharma Cums.

Sinbeerly,

The Ghetto Shaman

Rethinking Traditionalism or Putting the ‘Fun’ Back Into Fundamentalism

We progressives have long ago left behind the old world of our parents and grandparents. Instead of going to church, we meditate. Instead of grace before our dinners, we slap high-fives before pizza and chips in front of the TV.  Instead of courting our next wife, we impregnate drunken clubbies and later have them assassinated by remote control.  

As I’ve matured I’ve realized parts of traditionalism are important to even a hip-minded progressive like myself. In order to keep food in my child’s belly, maybe I should sacrifice my free time for the forty-hour a week job (God no, please). Instead of redefining the status quo of ‘mother’ and ‘father’, maybe we should reexamine and even encourage the unique value of traditional marriage while still respecting the rights and privileges of alternative family units. Maybe we should clarify when exactly an organism with human DNA gains the constitutionally protected right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of lap-dance chicks. “Wait, wait, Doc. Don’t cut the cord just yet. Boy, he sure is an ugly one, eh honey? If we abort this one, perhaps we’ll get a more attractive specimen next time.”  Then again, there’s always the Nebraska Abandonment Plan (NAP). 

Rather than continuing to ‘imagine’ that there’s no country, maybe we should demand that our leaders define and defend clear boundaries.

It is these issues involving abortion, gay rights, immigration, and religion/state that traditional mainstream Americans have turned against progressives. And just like our parents, once in a while these old dumb headed traditionalists make a good point. Progressives like to imagine to a day when “there is no country,” and all individuals would be free to create their lives anyway that they choose. But without good ole’ fashioned traditional discipline, we could very possibly decay into warlord states and rivaled tribal gangs.  I don’t think that was what John Lennon was imagining.

Certainly there are dangers of traditionalism—racism, excessive nationalism, colonialism, Pat Robertson, and black-and-white dogmatism, but if we progressives are really interested in the continued evolution of all consciousness, we can’t ignore the foundational stages of development. For the United States, the residue of ignored traditions lingers in our nation’s shadow and threatens to tear our union apart. Some so-called ‘progressives’ speak as though this would be a good thing. After all, we humans overpopulate the planet and colonially corrupt the rest of the world. Why not just deconstruct all social institutions and let the U.S. collapse. I’m sure a much better world would emerge (like Canada).

There is an alternative. We can soul-search the current issues of the traditionalist—immigration, abortion, traditional family structure under the eyes of constitutional logic. Integrate the core truths of traditionalism under the rational eye of modernism. Envision the possibilities of post-modernism, while we transcend into a logically coherent integral worldview (like Canada).

Presidential Pet Pick Perturbs PETW

Pierce Winslow

It is common knowledge that President-Elect Barack Obama has promised his children that they may get a dog once they are settled into the Whitehouse. When questioned about the choice of breed, Obama simply stated that since his daughter was allergic to dogs it would have to be something hypoallergenic.

Obama’s statement triggered a backlash of criticism from the American College of Allergy.

“There is no such thing as a hypoallergenic dog,” stated Dr. Schnoz Sneezinweezin, an ACA spokesman. “The only such creature would be a dog that has no hair, saliva or urine. If you want a hypoallergenic dog you have to go to the grocery store.” This was an obvious reference to one of America’s favorite summertime delicacies, the hot dog.

This revelation triggered a great deal of interest as to where the Obama family would procure their not-so-potent pet. Nathan’s Famous, one of America’s leading purveyors of hot dogs, quickly jumped-in to volunteer one of their fine franks.

“It’s not often that a company such as ours has the opportunity to step in and provide what will certainly become a close member of the First Family,” stated Eric Gatoff, CEO of Nathan’s Famous.

This announcement prompted swift and outrageous reaction from PETW, People for the Ethical Treatment of Weiners.

“Approximately nine out of ten pets sold in American pet stores are bred in mills. Such institutions operate in deplorable conditions and we just hope that the American President will provide a good example to our country’s citizenry”, announced Ingrid Newkirk, President of PETW. “You should see the conditions under which these pets are ‘made'”.

The Daily Discord was able to procure this picture of the conditions under which Nathan’s hot dogs are prepared.

A look at the deplorable conditions in a Nathan’s hot dog mill. Note the castaway "unfit" dog in the trough.

Applegate Farms, a company founded on the premise of providing only the most wholesome and natural products was quick to usurp Nathan’s Famous’ position.

Seen here, the care free life of Applegate Farms’
free range organic hot dogs.
Note also the inclusion of the rare albino
hot dog in the hot dog games.

“Taste, truth and trust are our guiding principles. We promise that there is no mystery in our meat. All of our products are Certified Humane and qualify for USDA Organic certification as well,” claims Stephen McDonnell, founder of Applegate Farms.

The Daily Discord’s own Cokie McGrath did, in fact, tour one of Applegate’s facilities, as part of a larger investigation, and was able to document and verify old McDonnell’s claims. Here a dog, there a dog, everywhere a hot dog, all of them appearing to be happy and healthy.

Cokie’s research into the hot dog industry also uncovered a hereto unseen dark side. This underworld of sausage seediness went way beyond the generally available, mass produced hot dog. These pigs-without-a-blanket were training for combat. The Daily Discord has allegedly established alleged links between alleged gansta sta Snoop Doggy Dogg and an alleged massive underground hot dog fighting syndicate.

Seen here: pain sensitivy reduction and flavor induction treatment
Well, you decide what’s going on here

Obama’s choice in this case, with major implications on such a socially explosive issue, could have major consequences for his re-election bid in 2012. One choice would decisively separate Obama from Sarah “Gun ’em and Grind ’em” Palin, who will almost certainly be gunning to unseat Obama.

“Don’t be a pussy Obama,” stated Palin, “go for the grill.” Palin went on to tell reporters that Mr. Obama’s liberal position is an “ObamaNathan”.

The other choice, on the other hand, could put Mr. Obama on even ground with Palin on such tough “shootin’ at some food” issues. This is one reporter that can’t wait to see how this all falls out (of the helicopter).

Recent Bombings Decimate Gaza’s Tourism

Of the ten tourists who visited Palestine last year, one has vowed never to return.

“I’m going to fucking Darfur,” says Bernie Snedgrass of Haymarket, VA. After the recent Israeli bombings, Snedgrass changed his flight plan from Gaza to Darfur and told Discord reporters. “I would rather take in historic bullet-riddled Africa.” Snedgrass also hopes to find some real Somalian pirates as well as Obama’s real birth certificate.

“The ‘Atrocities in Ten Cities’ candlelight tour is supposed to be must see genocide,” continues Snedgrass. “Besides, everyone knows that North Africa is the new Palestine.”

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am seeking to expand my current level of consciousness through meditative disciplines, and I just came upon your work entitled A Map to Ecstasy.  I don’t understand–it is page after page of street maps with an X-marks-the-spot-kind of thing in the middle. What is the significance?

Josh Compton

Hagerstown, MD

Dear Josh,

This isn’t a goddamn riddle, homeboy. If you want ecstasy, go to the X (with cash).  Tell em’ all I sent you for a possible discount, or a possible bullet.  The footnotes explain when to mention my name and when to wear body armor.  It couldn’t be clearer, putz.

The Ghetto Shaman

Top Ten Fictitious Drinks and Places to Enjoy Them

  1. The Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster – The Restaurant and the End of the Universe
  2. Fudd– The Beer & Brawl, Spittle County
  3. Moloko– Korovs Milk Bar (for all your ultra-violence needs)
  4. Electrick Floorbanger – The Mended Drum, Ankh Morpork, Discworld
  5. The Flaming Homer – Moe’s Tavern, Springfield, ??
  6. The Flaming Gargantua – Patrick’s Pub, Ringwood, NJ (NJ should be fictional)
  7. The Vulcan Mind Probe – Fred’s living room (definitely fictional)
  8. Slurm – anyplace in the future
  9. Romulan Ale – Ten Forward, Deck 10 (not quite legal this side of the Neutral Zone)
  10. The Get the Fuck Out of My Way – Valley Stream, LI, Wal-mart Snackbar (best enjoyed around the holidays).  OK, we made up this last one.

Ozzy Sues Sabbath Tribute Band for Plagiarism

“Those are my god damn f^&#ing mother f*$%ing words!” screamed Ozzy Osbourne after The War Pigs—a Black Sabbath Tribute band—completed their first set at The Zone last Friday night in a lower Manhattan bar.  As the lead singer attempted to explain that The War Pigs are a tribute-band, a major brawl ensued.  Ultimately Ozzy was ejected from the establishment along with several of is pharmacists.  Mr. Osbourne immediately filed a plagiarism lawsuit against The War Pigs and vows not to “bite the head off of anything” until this situation is resolved to his satisfaction.

Breaking Wind

L. Wolfe

People are breaking wind in a big way these days.  Wind breaking for energy means big bucks.  Some analysts estimate $20,000 per back acre a year in royalties (if you can convince your neighbors to put up with the unpleasantries).  Beyond that, you can rent portions of your back acreage to others, allowing them to break wind as well, and substantially increase your earnings.

Some say we’re missing a key market sector in the U.S. by ignoring our ability to break wind. “U.S. wind should be way passed gas,” stated entrepreneur Gus T. Breece at a recent energy conference.  “Germany and Spain have developed their wind way beyond our current capacity, and they don’t have nearly as much wind as we do.  Americans are the windiest,” continued Breece. “I do not know if it’s our fast-food diets, all the high-fructose corn syrup, or Rush Limbaugh, but we definitely have more wind than any other country.”

Wind to energy is an increasingly viable option for this country.  The central part of the United States has a strong wind corridor that goes from Pampa, Texas, to the Canadian border. In addition, it is the best location from a security and safety standpoint.  The chart below shows the highest potentials for breaking wind in the U.S.

<div class="teaser">Estimates of the wind resource are expressed in wind power classes ranging from class 1 to class 7, with each class representing a range of mean wind power density or equivalent mean speed at specified heights above the ground. Areas designated class 4 or greater are suitable with advanced wind turbine technology under development today. Power class 3 areas may be suitable for future technology. Class 2 areas are marginal and class 1 areas are unsuitable for wind energy devel” /></td>
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Estimates of the wind resource are expressed in wind power classes ranging from class 1 to class 7, with each class representing a range of mean wind power density or equivalent mean speed at specified heights above the ground. Areas designated class 4 or greater are suitable with advanced wind turbine technology under development today. Power class 3 areas may be suitable for future technology. Class 2 areas are marginal and class 1 areas are unsuitable for wind energy development. Source: USDOE.

 Breaking wind is catching on.  Just this month alone there were wind breaking ceremonies held at over 150 new turbine sites.  A leading spokesman, Sully Haines, from the Fanular Air Rotating Turbine Co. (or F.A.R.T), states “these events bring many people together to celebrate the breaking of wind.”

 “I broke wind in 25 states last year,” said Breece.  “I like to break wind in some of the more remote areas of the country because my wind breaking is generally a larger undertaking than is advisable in more populated areas.”

 Wind breaking is not without its’ shitfalls, however: “We had a real tragedy at one of our wind breaking sites last fall,” sharted Breece.  “It was such a large wind breaking event that over a dozen bald eagles were reportedly killed outright.”  Birds are apparently very susceptible; they can be knocked right out of the sky.  “It’s almost like one of those Biblical stories,” continued Breece. “You know, where birds just drop dead in mid-flight, and end up turning into pillars of salt in burning bushes or something.”

 Wind power is clean, renewable, and abundant.  Currently, just under 1% of all of our electrical power is wind generated (Source: DOE).  By the year 2030, the DOE projects that almost 20% of the U.S. electrical demand will be supplied by wind.  Harnessing all of the potential wind energy in the U.S. with today’s turbine technology would produce over 150% of the total U.S. electrical demand.  As wind technology advances, that potential capacity can only increase.

 So let’s decrease our dependence on foreign oil, people. So let’s get out there and break some wind today.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What do you make of Xenolinguistics?  Cryptic messages coded within hallucinogens, sent to us from aliens or possibly even the mushrooms themselves! What a strange universe where such things can speak to us.

Kevin Starke

Dear Kevin,

Indeed.  There are many, many things in this wondrous universe that speak to me that really shouldn’t…like women.

The Ghetto Shaman

Hitch is Not Great: How Rationalists Are Wrong About One Thing

Mick Zano

During my recent interview with Christopher Hitchens, which occurred without his knowing, we—or more accurately, I—discussed his most recent book: God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything.  I originally titled this article “Hooray for the Hate-Monger Christopher Hitchens,” but my colleagues eventually nixed that idea.  Still squeamish about my recent Copenhagen foray into political cartooning, I heeded their advice.  I do, in all sincerity, applaud Christopher Hitchens, as both a journalist and a thinker.  I have thoroughly enjoyed the vast majority of his acerbic ruminations on any number of subjects. It is hard to argue with a rationalist, because they, by their very nature, tend to be…er, rational.  However, I cannot endorse the views he espouses in God Is Not Great, nor do I intend to stray into the dubious realms of irrationality.

From the perspective of Don Beck’s Spiral Dynamics theory—wherein various levels of human consciousness are color-coded—Hitchens is cheering the move from blue (fundamentalism) to orange (entrepreneurial/rational).  From the perspective of human development, this is a move in the right direction and—perhaps more importantly—better matches my vest.  Hitchens reports, in damning detail, the overwhelming short-sightedness of certain organized religious endeavors, namely, all of them.  He champions the exposure of that which is dogmatic and dangerous, and I agree that the world would indeed be a better place without all of today’s endless Faith Based Stupidity (FBS).

In college I would have heeded his clarion call, ditched my Jesus-shaped air freshener, and sported my atheistic animosity with pride.  In my 20s, I, too, discovered the inherent illogic and endless contradictions riddling Catholicism.  I should point out that made me a late bloomer by Hitchens’ standards, as he was already pointing out Old Testament inconsistencies at age nine (the erudite little shit).  Not to be outdone, I managed to trick a DJ into playing “Hell’s Bells” at my church confirmation dance (true story).  We will let you decide, fair reader, which accomplishment is more important to humanity.

I find Hitchens’ omission of a segment on enlightenment and spirituality very telling.  On that front, he offers nothing, nada, nichts!  Not even a cursory glance at the possibility of something beyond his curmudgeonly cosmopolitanism.  “Our place in the cosmos is so unimaginably small,” Hitchens asserts, “that we cannot, with our miserly endowment of cranial matter, contemplate it for long at all.”  First off, leave my apartment and my brain capacity out of this!  Second, here is where millions may beg to differ:  What about meditation?  Or gnawing on Amazonian roots during a nude Yoga session?  Oh wait, I promised not to do this…

Let’s stick to rationality.  Hitchens profusely thanks Peter and Rosemary Grant—two Princeton-based evolutionary biologists following in Darwin’s footsteps—by saying, “We are in their debt.  Their lives were harsh, but who could wish that they had mortified themselves in a holy cave or on top of a sacred pillar instead?”  I found his rhetorical question quite interesting, considering that mankind’s first art surfaced via tripping primeval cave-dwelling shamans (TPCDS).  In fact, such troglodytes not only created the world’s first art, but arguably lifted humanity from the Neolithic realms outright.  These postulations are being embraced not only by crackpots like The Daily Discord’s Ghetto Shaman, but by mainstream archeologists, using that pesky scientific method of theirs.  Perhaps if the Grants squatted in a cave long enough, they would have gained even deeper insights into the animals they studied. The latest research in physics, consciousness studies, and emotional intelligence are compelling, but hardly reductionist.

The real heavyweight round came when Hitchens turned his grievous Gatling gun on Buddhism.  (In all fairness, he did give the Dalai Lama a ten-second head start.)  It’s actually fairly short chapter.  The first half can be summarized as “My Terrible Experience in Some Buddhist Rip-Off Retreat,” while the second half portrays the Dalai Lama rolling around in defeat, cupping his nads.  I do believe, Mr. Hitchens, that a weekend at Bangkok Bernie’s does not a religion make.  

Hitchens takes exception to the claim that the Dalai Lama is preordained to rule, and chides the exiled leader of Tibet for hanging around with the likes of Richard Gere.  I have to say, I am in complete agreement with Hitch on this one…I mean, come on, Richard Gere?  The book does shed considerable light on some of the historical problems that Buddhism had faced.  At his best, Hitchens is exposing the vast array of history’s faithular faux pas (“Faithular” is a word; I saw it on The Colbert Report).

Hitchens concludes with a scathing assessment of Nirvana-seekers (the spiritualist kind, not the band groupies), proclaiming that they “may believe that they are leaving the realm of the despised materialism, but they are in fact putting their reason to sleep and discarding their minds along with their sandals.”

He is simply wrong on this point.  The Buddhist debate is legendary and logical.  Believers following the dharma typically counted their breaths, meditated, and attained a deeper understanding of the world and the Universe (not to mention Thai hookers).  The Dalai Lama is not afraid of scientific discourse.  In fact, it is an interest of his (science, not hookers).  He welcomes Western scientific knowledge and its capacity to prove or disprove Buddhist assertions by putting them through the rigors of scientific testing.  In fact, the Dalai Lama proposes that any aspect of the dharma to be proven false should be stuffed in a small sock and mailed to the Pope.

Hitchens, like most men of Western science, has always placed the objective on a pedestal and the subjective in the shitter. But beware “rationalists,” for these turd-crusted subjective realms are no longer so easily flushable, especially in the wake of certain “enlightening” studies.  The work of Daniel Goleman follows the discourse between a group of Western scientists and Tibetan Buddhists on the subject of destructive emotions.  When you have a well-trained objective interviewer and a well-trained subject hooked up to a neuro-imaging machine, we go beyond what is commonly dismissed as “subjective.”

Hitchens, apparently oblivious to such endeavors, at one point railed against scripture for imploring its disciples to banish any impure thoughts: “If God really wanted people free of such thoughts, he should have taken more care to invent a different species.”  The latest neuro-imaging techniques on the brains of habitual meditators and Buddhist monks are finding this “new species.”  These individuals seem to possess an almost superhuman ability to avoid common negative emotional pitfalls on a neural level!  They are not faking it.

Hitchens himself admits that the human brain is a “work in progress.”  So why discount the beliefs of those whose brains seem to be more disciplined, more organized, and functioning more efficiently?  A bevy of other recent studies suggest meditation increases blood flow to the brain and even thickens the cerebral cortex itself (but in a good way)!  Meditative practices can also combat pain, reduce stress, and boost the immune system.  Introspection and subjective techniques have produced observable/objective improvements in the function of the brain.  Looks like the William James gang rides again!

“What does this have to do with religion?” I can almost hear Hitchens mutter.  Well, Mr. Mutterer, the vast majority of these new and improved sapiens tend to catch glimpses of an ordered universe in these “subjective” states.  They see further and clearer; and, although much of their visions are inherently ineffable, a vivid picture of the universe emerges—an order almost ubiquitous amongst this brand of meditators, or Meditoranians, as Dr. Sterling Hogbein calls them.

This movement is growing and not, as in the case of Islam, by sheer numbers alone.  It is perpetually improving itself by incorporating Western thought to encompass and transcend what has come before it.  A person with an enlightened perspective would agree with many of this book’s claims and conclusions, for they are historically accurate and, therefore, irrefutable.  But I might suggest approaching this issue from a more integral perspective.  In other words, I’ll bring the booze, Hitch, and you bring the Thai hookers.

For Appeal O.J. Requests His First Jury

Along with several requests, including access to off track betting, his bookie, and a cellmate that looks like his first wife, O.J. Simpson has requested that his first jury be reunited for his upcoming appeal.