Lexington, SC—With Sarah Palin out and Michele Bachmann still trailing Romney in the polls, real Americans have become really desperate for that perfect spokesperson. The Tea Party is happy to announce they are now rallying behind a single voice—a person who best represents their values.
It all started when a Facebook Tea Party MeetUp group made a startling YouTube discovery. They happened to play a quote from a Miss Teen U.S.A. finalist from 2007, during which she was asked, “A fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?”
She responded, “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such…etc.”
“We knew right then Bachmann and Palin had nothing on this chick,” said MeetUp organizer Bess Thompson.
Caitlyn Upton, now 22, was then approached by the Tea Party group and Upton told them, “I am honored to work with real U.S.A. Americans again, uh, on such an import Liberty Bells of freedom thing, uh, such as South Africa and Iraq, and such.”
“She had me from hello” said Thompson. “Even though, technically, she didn’t say hello.”
Further questioning revealed Upton greeted the Tea People with an “uh” and a grunt, and then mumbled something about Hooters.
When questioned about her Liberty Bell comment, she replied, “When Douglas Adams climbed the Liberty Bell tower and took pot shots at the electoral college, and South Africa and Iraq and wherever. That’s freedom, bitches!”
The Daily Discord staff admits to adding the “bitches” part.