Hitch-Slapping 101: Why Christopher Hitchens Should be King

Mick Zano

Christopher Hitchens is a god among men.  Of course, the atheistic cynic would never put it quite like that but, nevertheless, I would like to take a moment to both praise and condemn the self-righteous bastard.  If you have never checked out Hitchens, you should.  He’s a contributor for Vanity Fair and Slate Magazine, or you can always check out his website, The Hitchen’s Zone, where he pulls off a cross between Alfred Hitchcock and Rod Serling like no other.  He recently called Alexander Haig a “Neurotic narcissist with an unquenchable craving for power.” This, of course, occurred when other people were paying their respects to his still warm corpse. In wake of the church’s child abuse cover-ups, he said the Pope’s “whole career has the stench of evil about it.” Whereas the Pope is still theoretically alive, he is—in part thanks to Hitchens—the poster boy for the So, you weren’t really divinely picked, were you? group on Facebook …I would join this group but, unfortunately, I was divinely picked.  John Paul II did manage to keep that divine-designation-thing (DDT) at least somewhat of a mystery for a time.  Kudos to him.  The good news, Herr Benedict may move some folks beyond mere fundamental thinking (many out of pure disgust).  Hey, maybe God is still popenipotent, but maybe his picker is broken.  God is slated for Larry King Live next week, where he/she will refute Zano’s claims with the likes of: “I didn’t mean him. I was pointing toward that other bloke in the back with the funny hat.  Really…I was.  I wanted that fellow who would have stopped all the shenanigans with the young’ins and continue with my work and such.  No, I’m not talking about buggering, you stupid bastard.”

I hate it when God takes Larry to task like that.

Live or dead, liberal or conservative, Christopher Hitchens is not afraid to kick people like Mother Teresa firmly in the balls.  Hitchens is a hawkish capitalist, who, whether he likes it or not, shares many similar views with the neoconservatives of the world.  Perhaps more importantly, he is the quintessential curmudgeon.  Let’s be clear here, Hitchens shares more views with the Crank than the Crank himself, he just does it with such unforgiving panache that it gives me considerable wood at times.  There, I said it…  (Winslow, please edit that part out; I don’t want to give people the wrong idea.)

In an effort to help out Mr. Hitchens, I am going to address a few more political personalities for a good old fashioned Hitch-slapping:

Rahm Emanuel is a narcissistic thug with delusions of blandeur.

Jimmy Carter is a sniveling peanut-humping boob.

Michael Moore is…um, see Carter, but change humping to something decidedly less vigorous.

Well?  Did it give you a little wood?  It’s OK to talk about it.  In fact, I am starting a group, I’m not gay, but Hitchens gives me wood, on Facebook.  The fact remains, Hitchens should be a champion of the right.  Admittedly, he’s not your cookie cutter conservative, but he does champion capitalism, defense, and many libertarian causes.  So why is he so at odds with the Hannnity’s of the world?  Well, religion comes to mind.  The faith-based right would string him up, for sure.  Besides, I don’t think he likes to associate with conservatives, because most aren’t horribly bright these days.  He does have some socialist bones in his body, but I’m sure he can have them removed before he is crowned the RepbuliKing.

He should be what Rush Limbaugh is today.  Now that would be entertainment.  But he is far too cerebral for the bat-shit right, who tend to throw him off their show, or overboard, or under the bus, or to the Winslows of the world.  They tend to do this relatively quickly, because he calls people out on their stupidity, regardless of their political affiliation.  And, unless you shut off his microphone, he will eat you alive.  To this day he makes the strongest case for the invasion of Iraq; in short, by not limiting himself to the echo-chamber of baseless talking points that is Fox News.

Today, Rush Limbaugh is the unofficial leader of the GOP.  Really people?  I want Andrew Sullivan, David Frum, and George Will to wrestle the microphone away from the bastard and then crown Hitchens the AM radio king.  But why stop at Rush’s job?  Hitchens actually comes up with a far savvier 10 Commandments than even You Know Who (Voldemort was unavailable for comment):

The Hitch Commandments

  1. Do not condemn people on the basis of their ethnicity or color.
  2. Do not ever use people as private property.
  3. Despise those who use violence or the threat of it in sexual relations.
  4. Hide your face and weep if you dare to harm a child.
  5. Do not condemn people for their inborn nature—why would God create so many homosexuals only in order to torture and destroy them?
  6. Be aware that you too are an animal and dependent on the web of nature, and think and act accordingly.
  7. Do not imagine that you can escape judgment if you rob people with a false prospectus rather than with a knife.
  8. Turn off that fucking cell phone—you have no idea how unimportant your call is to us.
  9. Denounce all jihadists and crusaders for what they are: psychopathic criminals with ugly delusions.
  10. Be willing to renounce any god or any religion if any holy commandments should contradict any of the above

So forget King, maybe Hitch should be God.  He makes more sense than the Christian equivalent.  Besides, I think he would rule benevolently over the people of Earth. After all, his first name is Christopher…Christ!  He’s the second coming of himself?!  Wow.  It all makes sense now…except David Lynch films.

Sadly, I am going to see Wrestlemania in Phoenix next week with the Great Bald One, but my dream matchup would really be Rush Limbaugh vs. Christopher Hitchens.  Give Rush some oxys and Hitch some scotch and let’s do this thing…

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.