U.S. Military to Weaponize Biden’s Mouth

U.S. Military to Weaponize Biden’s Mouth

Washington, DC – To win the Global War on Terror, which the Obama Administration refers to as the Mild Mideast Squabble, Secretary of Defense Gates is requesting a radical approach.

“If the mouth of the Vice President could be weaponized, it might stop being a hindrance and become a key weapon in our fight against global jihadists.”

When questioned about unleashing Joe Biden’s mouth on an entire region, and if the collateral damage could be contained, Gates backed off.

“Someday, hopefully soon, there will come a time when we’ll never have to hear Biden’s mouth at all—and, of course, we pray that we’ll never have to use his mouth in such an insidious capacity.”

Officially, President Obama is refusing to comment, aside from these comments, “Having heard Joe’s mouth up close, it’s an intriguing idea.”

Obama did assure the public that, “We would only use the Vice President’s mouth as a deterrent, on par with nuclear weapons or old Baywatch reruns.”

Obama perked up when Gates explained how, if Biden’s mouth became weaponized, he would need to be moved to an undisclosed location and eventually stored within the bowels of Yucca Mountain. 

Biden responded by saying the plan for his mouth is “A big fucking deal.”

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.