Leviticus, TX – In an effort to deal with budget woes plaguing one of the nation’s largest public school systems, the Texas Board of Education has decided to combine the Department of History and the Department of Phonics to form the new Texas public schools’ Department of Histrionics. The decision will be formally announced during the board’s annual retreat (this year held at the Bunny Ranch in Carson City, NV) by Col. Barney Bob Crossburner, Chairman of the School Board.
Before rolling it out completely, the new combined curriculum will undergo a one year test at Merton T. Hangumm High School in Leviticus. The decision to test the new system at Hangumm was based on the school’s reputation as a “cultsurely, die verse, insty too shun.”
“It had not one damned ting tuh do with dem scant-ly-clad Hangumm High cheerleaders urging me to pick their school!” added Crossburner.
When asked to elaborate on the school’s diversity policies, he explained, “That foreign lookin’ kid who goes there, you know who I’m talkin’ about. Plus, lots of our janitors and lawn cutters are rumored to be less than pure and probly illegal…um, that’s off the record, of course.”
When a reporter at the press conference pointed out that the combination of history and phonics would actually produce history-onics, not histrionics, Col. Crossburner countered, “Most Texans pernounces it “his’ tree” so they decided to go with a funetical interpretation.”
This decision will affect virtually every student across the United States, because most high school textbooks are written to Texas standards due to the state’s ranking as the largest purchaser of them.
In response to the announcement, Shaniqua Marxenstein, Spokeswoman for California’s board of education announced, “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!”
She then ran into the nearest bathroom, cut her forearms with a razor, and took all of her Prozac.