An Open Letter to Ed “Erectile Dysfunction” Whiteacre, Chairman of GM

The Crank

Looking for a new CEO?  GM has been run by its bean counters for more than a decade now. See how well that’s worked out.  Putting Henderson out to pasture was a smart move. Don’t blow it now! Finance guys can’t run car companies; former telephone exec can’t run it; so who can?  He is already on your staff, you autotard. He knows more about CARS than anyone out there. Bob Lutz is sacred to us car people. He is master of all that uses liquid dinosaurs and makes “The Good Noise”. They say, if you prick him, he bleeds 20w50. They say, he sleeps in a bed that is a full sized replica of a Testarossa, sans top. They say, his children are named Hurst & Shelby. They say, the head of his member has a shift pattern tattooed on it…

GM Vice President Robert “Maximum Bob” Lutz has recently stated to the press something that really says it all about governmental intrusion into the auto business:

“We are in the Automobile business, not the societal improvement business.”

Ooooooowe.  There’s that “feeling going up and down my leg” that Chris Matthews must have been talking about.

If you don’t build CARS everyone wants to BUY, everyone loses. You are a fucking CAR company.  Please re-read that last two sentences as many times as it takes for you to sink into that F-ing brain of yours. When the “Old GM” wanted its free money from our resident fascist in power, it was obvious that our very own “Il Duce” wanted something in return. He wanted the door to hit Rick Waggoner and Bob Lutz in their collective asses on the “way out.”  Waggoner was a dipshit, so who cared, but Bob?

“Maximum Bob” is in his mid-seventies.  He has more money than God, and he loves making and selling cars. He knows more about the business than anyone all the idiots on the “Auto Advisory Board” combined. That’s why he had to go. The last thing they wanted was someone who actually knew more than they did…someone who would argue with them, someone who couldn’t be bought, someone who wouldn’t kowtow to their wishes, someone with ‘God forbid’ standards.

Secretary of Transportation, Ray LaHood, said in May that his livability initiative “is a way to coerce people out of their cars”. When asked if this was just more government intrusion into people’s lives, he responded “About everything we do around here is government intrusion in people’s lives.”

A government report says reliance on electric cars will do very little to reduce greenhouse gas emissions.  It will just shift our dependence from one set of problems to another. The GAO report says that a plug-in car, if recharged at an outlet drawing its power from coal, provides a carbon dioxide savings of only 4% to 5%. If the feeling of saving the environment from driving an electric car causes people to drive more that small amount of savings vanishes. Bob knew this all along. It was all useless bullshit spread around by certain fat ex-Vice Presidents and GE. Many CEO’s stood to make a fortune on Crap-N-Turd.

I cried tears of joy when I heard the news that Bob decided to “un-retire.”  It wasn’t all over, after all. There was still a chance I could hear the sweet, sweet tones of a well tuned Hemi V8 pass me like I was standing still. I could still smell the burning rubber at stoplights. I could still have the chance to rest my gaze upon fat tires, chrome wheels and bright paint—knowing full well there was, in fact, a large powerful engine under that hood.

When the “interim” GM CEO Fritz “I’z just a bean counter” Henderson was asked if the “late” Pontiac G8 rear drive V8 was going to be moved to another brand when Pontiac was put in its own little closet of doom, he said “No.” He wasn’t a fan of re-badging, and a large V8 powered rear drive passenger car was not in the future for GM. “Maximum Bob” was asked the same question in an interview right after his not-going-away announcement. He said that it was going to be a Chevy, probably called Caprice, because “it was just too good a car to waste.” Oh my, a real “Screw You, Barack” model, if I ever heard one. It is now acknowledged as being the basis of GM’s new cop car, slated to recoup some losses of fleet sales from Ford and the pre-historic Crown Vic, soon to be Caprice SS?? We’ll see…

For the people that dismiss being a “car guy” as infantile, and that a car is just a way to get from point A to point B, I remember a “Home Improvement” episode where Tim’s wife was dissing his Hot Rod. I remember him saying his car was a part of him, an extension of his personality, of who he is, and to dismiss it was to dismiss him.

I couldn’t agree more….

You are dismissed.

You have tried the rest, now try the best

The Crank

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