Crankin on the 2011 Hyundai Sonata, or Captain Nemo, your ride is here

The Crank

Crankin on the 2011 Hyundai Sonata, or Captain Nemo, your ride is here

My wife has an uncanny knack of keeping things alive way beyond their allotted time on this planet. A past pet comes to mind, not to mention a certain Stephen King Novel. My son has my living will.  He knows, when it’s my time, not to let my wife near the doctors or she’ll either have my head in a Futurama-style glass jar, or I’ll be a Cranksicle next to old Walt Disney.

Recently, her ‘97 Buick Park Avenue ‘Battlestar’ finally convinced her it had nothing left to give when the front brakes went steel on steel the same day the door lock button fell inside the door. She had the same look on her face that day at the vets—the day she finally realized old kitty needed to go to the rainbow bridge.  

At thirteen years old and 165 thou’ on the odometer, it owed us nothing.  My wife loved it so much, I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to “pry it from her cold dead hands.”  Given the fact that the new car would primarily be my wife’s car, it would be her choice entirely. With some notable exceptions: as the resident FatAss in my home, I needed to be able to: 1.) actually fit into the car, 2.) get in and out of it without the aid of any Hurst corp. hardware, and 3.) actually drive the thing. Beyond that, you go girl…

What she picked out was no surprise to me. Being both of Dom Perignon taste and Corona pocketbook, she found the most bang for our Buick.  The 2011 Sonata by Hyundai is manufactured in Alabama (Arabama in Korean).  It was more “Amelican” than my Dodge Ram made in Mexico. It impressed us as much as the new Buick Regal, and was nearly $10k less.

I will now rate each area of importance with my very own Krispy Kreme rating system (KK1 through KK5 with KK5 being the best).

STYLING: 5 KRISPY KREMES

Very easy on the eyes.  It is reminiscent of something Jules Verne would have designed if he were alive today (and living in Korea).  It looks ready to Journey to the Center of the Krispy Kreme, or some such.  It is also a much larger car than I expected. Great lines, just enough chrome, and the color she picked out rocks! Black plumb, with a two-toned black and beige interior.

Crankin on the 2011 Hyundai Sonata, or Captain Nemo, your ride is here

INTERIOR DESIGN: 4 KRISPY KREMES

Great looking with easy to use hardware. Very futuristic design dash, ala Okuda of Star Trek fame. Lots of blue ‘mood’ lighting. Standard ‘brootoof’ connectivity, good surface feel, and optional photon torpedoes. Seats are nice, for anyone but me and Kevin Smith.  So their fatass rating drops to 2KKs. As usual in a narrow seat, my ass is up on the side bolsters with enough space under it for a box of a dozen, which only comes in handy during stakeouts. As for the back rest, ditto. Not too comfy for moi. Ease of entry and exit has a fatass rating of 3 KKs. Been in worse, been in better. Amazing legroom though, any 6-footer would be very comfy, even in the back!

ENGINE: 4 KRISPY KREMES

On the plus side, they made a 4 banger with almost as much horsepower as the 4.7 V8 in my Ram.  Totally amazing! Also a plus is the incredible fuel mileage, and a very smooth 6 speed transmission.  Minuses?  How ‘bout typical screamy 4 banger sound?  Wow, I coulda had a V8.

TRUNKSPACE/BODY COUNT

3 adults or 4 chillins. Rear seats fold down for extra long storage for when you’ve killed a basketball player. Inside-trunk safety release handle for trunk lid (better make sure they’re dead).

RIDE: 5 KRISPYKREMES

Even with myself as a passenger, smooth but not too soft. Well controlled, but not a race car.

Important: manboobs didn’t bounce once on any surface.

QUIET: 4 KRISPY KREMES

Front area real quiet, but rear noise from trunk noticeable because of the fold-down rear seats. Have your neighbor kid steal some Dynomat for you.
All in all, one great car for 21k, and with 2.9% for 5 years, with a 10 year warranty, it’s a no brainer. As we transferred our “stuff” from the Battlestar to the new car, I glanced back at the old car. She looked like an old warrior after her last stand.  Her headlights fogged and scratched like an old man’s cataracts, and some clear dings and scratches from a dozen or so Cylon battles. I will miss her. Thank you, Buick, for a car that took more abuse than it should have…and with hardly a whimper. It kept my family safe for 13 years. I can only hope the Hyundai is up to the task. 

Be warned Hyundai, I am prepared to update and drop you a Krispy Kreme when necessary.  Oh, and the five second rule applies. 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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