Tag Archive for spoof news

Fascism Creep And More Carrion For The Wolves Of Wall Street

by Mick Zano • March 4, 2018

This week’s fascism watch is rather extreme, even by normal Republican ‘standards’. Eighteen states, primarily of the Freedom Circus variety, are pushing a bill that undermines peaceful assembly. Yep, you heard rights, folks …as they vanish. If anything turns ugly during a protest, the organizers—not the Nazi, hooligan Trump-lovin’ instigators—but the organizers are more likely to face steeper fines and charges. And running over protestors is now encouraged, well, as long as they’re libs. Safe Space 2000? Sheriff Joe for President: ‘Carcerations R’ In! If this schitznik passes, our torch wielding, white supremacist friends can crash our parties with more free wheeling, wanton abandon. Gee, why are they trying to tamp down peaceful protests during the Age of Ass-Clown? Hmmm. Reminds me of that old SNL bit: Bad Idea Jeans. Fox & Friends have managed to avoid covering the deconstruction of our republic through the act of asking endless irrelevant questions about unrelated topics. Let’s award some partial credit as they’re helping to create an oligarchy without even knowing what the word means. Multi-asking? So where are their constitutionalists now? Silence of the Lames?

*SpongeBob Square-State joke removed by the editor.

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by Mick Zano • March 2, 2018

Hollywood, CA—In a decision to help put Hollywood out of its misery, Faye Dunaway and Warren Betty are back on the stage for the 2018 Oscars …or maybe the Emmys, who knows? Whatever’s on the card. Only an estimated 17 people of the original 3,000+ will be in attendance on March 4th for the 90th annual Academy Awards, as the remainder have seen their #MeToo shadow and scurried back to their burrows for six more weeks of Twitter.

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by Mick Zano • February 24, 2018

Dr. Nick Riviera was unavailable for comment.

by Mick Zano • February 23, 2018

Flagstaff, AZ—Rick Gates, business partner to Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort, will likely plead guilty to charges this week brought by special prosecutor Robert Mueller and his team. Even prior to the pending guilty plea, The Discord is touting its wordsmithular prowess by coining the phrase “Gates-Gate”, one that will likely go down in the annals of Discord history as “meh”. Rick Gates likely knows everything Manafort does, so if he ‘flipped’ and there was any collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia, this may well be, in the immortal words of Redd Foxx, “The big one, ‘lizabeth!” It is the belief of this writer that ultimately Gates-Gate will trigger the fall of this president. Look, Warren Zevon just went home with a waitress with Russian ties and that ended badly. Offhand, this seems much worse.”

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by Mick Zano • February 16, 2018

Hello my baby, hello my honey. Hello my ragtime gal.

by Mick Zano • February 15, 2018

Washington—President Marco Rubio has flip-flopped on his decision to allow the Senate Intelligence Committee to pursue yet another Benghazi hearing. The president told the press today, “With new evidence tweeted to me from Donald Trump Jr. *cough* from prison, there are still a number of unanswered questions about the Benghazi embassy attack.” After some initial reservations, the president is now ordering the exhumation of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton from her current resting place at Memory Gardens Cemetery in Arkansas. Clinton’s final wish was to be buried right alongside Vince Foster, a friend and colleague who died under mysterious circumstances, so “they could save time by only having to dig one hole for their next bullshit investigation.”

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by Mick Zano • February 11, 2018

Santa Monica, CA—Billionaire and SpaceX owner, Elon Musk, is blaming an employee for a glitch that sent his ride into space on Wednesday. After the Falcon Heavy blasted off with his car, Mr. Musk found himself with no ride from the launch pad back to his mansion in Bel Air. One onlooker was hesitant to pick up the mogul, because, “He looked a little too yuppie, and out of place with his obviously Photoshopped cardboard sign.”

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by Mick Zano • February 6, 2018

Brooklyn, NY—Thanks to advancements in Google Earth imagery, researchers examining the ancient New York bar scene have discovered a previously unknown Brooklyn watering hole. The foundation of this older establishment is much larger than the current business, Jake’s Shithole & Grub, located at the same address. Anthropubologists believe this earlier structure was built by post-McSorelian nomadic brewers many decades ago. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Grill, told the Discord today, “For a pub archeologist, this is like finding the Holy Ale or the Beer of Destiny. This could help fill in entire gaps in the ancient pubcrawlic record. We may find clues about the period between rock and grunge, or post-disco and hip-hop, or even between Saturday afternoon and that incident I had at Chumley’s at last call. This amazing place, revealed by Google Earth, looked to be a hybrid of a pub and a club. This ‘plub’, as it were, housed both a giant dance floor as well as several regulation pool tables. And this is just the tip of the ice beer.”

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by Mick Zano • February 4, 2018

Tweet Tower—In the wake of three deadly Amtrak crashes in the last fifty days, President Trump is standing by his decision to gut the U.S. Department of Transportation’s budget by 13%. The president said, “I don’t own a train and I don’t take the train. Who the hell still takes an F-ing train? …well, besides Republican congressmen, I guess. But hey, that $2.4 billion I saved went directly to folks in my tax bracket. It’s win-win, because my rich friends never board those death traps. And why don’t they have McDonald’s on those things? Sad.”

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by Mick Zano • February 3, 2018

Tweet Tower—According to an unnamed Discord source, the White House is behind a series of help wanted ads for the FBI directorship appearing on LinkedIn and Indeed. The controversial posting states, “Full-time, must be 18 years of age. The candidate must be a ‘yes’ man, and ‘man’ preferred. Unswerving loyalty to the president required. White privilege a must. Will train if not misogynistic, racist, or xenophobic. Good phony communication skills (not a typo). Must be willing to destroy the rule of law and protect a sociopathic man-child prone to periodic temper tantrums. Must possess knowledge of adolescent behavioral modification strategies. Prior FBI or police experience a plus, or at least watch some of the new X-File episodes prior to interview. Must be able to hide the bodies, but then not disclose where said bodies are buried. Excellent benefits (for now). Knowledge of Excel a plus.”

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