Washington—President Marco Rubio has flip-flopped on his decision to allow the Senate Intelligence Committee to pursue yet another Benghazi hearing. The president told the press today, “With new evidence tweeted to me from Donald Trump Jr. *cough* from prison, there are still a number of unanswered questions about the Benghazi embassy attack.” After some initial reservations, the president is now ordering the exhumation of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton from her current resting place at Memory Gardens Cemetery in Arkansas. Clinton’s final wish was to be buried right alongside Vince Foster, a friend and colleague who died under mysterious circumstances, so “they could save time by only having to dig one hole for their next bullshit investigation.”
The Senate Intelligence Committee is insisting the testimony of Hillary Clinton is vital in finally bringing the former first lady to justice. Critics claim there is nothing ‘vital’ about insisting on testimony from someone with no vitals. Democratic Minority Leader Cory Booker said, “This is not beating a dead horse, this is exhuming said dead horse and making it testify.” Senator Joseph Kennedy added, “We have been through this before. If forced to testify Mrs. Clinton would only be able to plead the fifth, which Republicans would then deem ‘suspicious’, blah, blah, blah. Just let it die. She did.”
Despite objections from some prominent Democrats, the Benghazi hearing XXIX will move forward as planned. Political scientists have estimated the Benghazi hearings may exceed the number of Super Bowls by the year MMXIL…
[Shit, I don’t know. I never wanted to be an editor for this rag. I wanted to be a Lumberjack!]
In related Discord news, Bigfoot Subpoenaed To Testify On Benghazi.