The Crotch Bomber Kid

Alex Bone

How dare Al-Qaeda! What despicable levels won’t these pricks stoop to, to take a young impressionable kid from Nigeria and send him to Detroit? The Monsters! Talk about Out of Africa… Luckily, the terrorist’s attempt at ruining the holidays turned into one of the best Christmas presents for America, ever.  They gave us the gift of comedy.  The whole event left more than a few people scratching their heads, or was it their crotches?

Who exactly is this big-eyed, close-mouthed twerp that many are now calling the Crotch Bomber Kid (CBK)? How desperate is Al-Qaeda getting when the best they can muster is to con some fruit of the loom to assail us with his dysfunctional Underoos?  Talk about “Weapons of Ass Destruction”. What are they going to send at us next year, orphans using anthrax as talcum powder, or an army of Tiny Tims with exploding crutches?  Have a holy jolly jihad.

It seems quite obvious that the CBK is more than a little slow upstairs, not to mention a little crispy downstairs. What sort of message do they expect this will convey? And you thought we looked incompetent?  How are they going to spin this one?  Well, don’t worry fellow martyrs; he’ll still get 72 Virgin Airways frequent flier miles in the afterlife. Great PR move. I can see it now: “Are you an idiot?  Are you easily impressionable?  Are you stupid enough to believe in Al-Qeada’s cause? You too can join Jerry’s Jihadists today!”

Most likely, they expected him to go up in flames with his hot pants, leaving the world ignorant as to the real CBK. But, luckily for some rough and tumble passengers, that plan is as history as the Qaeda Kid’s sex drive.

Yet another upside of this whole Great Balls Of Fire event is this: the conservatives over at Homeland Security and the anti-child porn lobbyists, two groups usually on the same side, are now at each other’s throats over the idea of airports X-raying through our clothing. But screening even children might be a good idea, since terrorists are now touring grade schools with large boxes of candy for their recruitment campaigns.

As for the Crotch Bomber Kid, the supervisors over at Guantanamo Bay are already busy at work constructing a new Special Ed wing. And, in a rare fit of insight, they are preparing to get a jump on Al-Qaeda by drawing up plans for a children’s wing, a dementia wing, and a smart primate wing (SPW). That’ll add a few more jobs to Obama’s stimulus package.

Think of all the good that came from this nearly tragic event…  Our intelligence agencies are finally going to start working together *snicker*.  All the great jokes banding about the media. And, hey, as an exhibitionist, I can’t wait to try out one of those new airport scanners.  I think I’m going to get a one-way ticket to DC with a wad of cash, no luggage, and one of those trench coats.  But do you think a false mustache is over the top?  Be honest.

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Alex Bone

Alex Bone

Alex Bone (Michael D. Griffiths) is a man who likes to keep busy, too bad it mostly involves cleaning squirrels. In the past, his writing has been published in numerous periodicals and anthologies sometimes even published by someone else. He was awarded first place in Withersin’s 666 contest, which he was told will later give him the Golden Ticket tour of the third plane of Hell. He is on the staff of The Daily Discord, Cyberwizard Productions, SFReader, and on the Board of Directors for the Society of Advanced Humans that Seek to Live as Viking Ninjas. His series The Chronicles of Jack Primus is available through Living Dead Press. After being bitten by a zombie, his attentions have turned toward the walking dead and he has begun a new Zombie Apocalypse series called the Eternal Aftermath. When he discovered that he was a cloned from Eric the Red’s DNA, he wrote the Science Fiction series Skinjumpers. Later while experimenting with strange fungus, he slipped into a Fantasy world ruled by the mad mage Dalsala Den.