Vaping Industry Apologizes: Mission Statement Is To Kill Our Customers Much More Slowly

A rash of mysterious respiratory illnesses, linked to vaping, has reached 33 states. The CDC is calling the outbreak a viral vaping virus, or VVV, which is an airborne, flavored disease that causes severe lungular malfunction, or what medical professionals call something else. One e-cigarette executive is speaking out, “A lot of these deaths are young people. We don’t want to get people hooked on our product and kill them before they have really good jobs. I mean, come on, who wants that?! Besides, think of the millions of people who haven’t croaked right away after using our products. So, let’s all just breathe a little easier and… uh, can you edit that last part out?”

President Donald Trump added, “Everyone’s is going vape-shit about this. We should stop vaping until we know which flavor is killing people. It’s not orange. All things orange are good for you and for this grape nation. Same thing with vanilla. Nothing bad can come from vanilla. I like cherry too, though not as much as my buddy Epstein. It’s not banana either, because I feel a certain connection to the banana. So it’s probably some of those fruity ones, like Sweet Tart or Buttigieg Berry.”

Trump has since signed an executive order banning fruity flavored e-cigarettes, including the wholly fictional Buttigieg Berry.

DarthVaper7 added, “The only answer for a bad vaper is a good vaper.”



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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.