Cluster Blank: the Movie

The Crank

There I was up to my knees in caribou dung, surrounded by a thousand Ezakwantu tribe’s women naked to the waist. Sorry, another Wild Kingdom flashback. Here’s the thing, my now regular Monday morning trip to the bank for my Unemployment Obamamoney went south…southern Africa Ezakwantu tribe’s women south. Also known as, you trust big government? Why?

So I got showered, shaved, dressed and was ready to go on my big outing of the day. But, before I go, I always go online to ensure my—held for my own good for 40+ years by the Government—weekly Ucard allotment funds are available.

At about the same time all this is going on, the Arizona Department of Economic (please don’t laugh) Security sends me a second Ucard from a different bank. First clue, the new card has no accompanying note.

I go online to activate my new Ucard and then promptly insert into my wallet. Then I attempt to check the old card’s website. I log-in and see there’s $0.00 on the old card. I ASSUME Zano stole my money. It’s happened before…actually, I thought that meant my money is on the new card. I go online and try to set up an online account for the new card.

Proceed to Clusterblank one:

Please put your card number here. I do

Please choose a user name. I do.

Please choose a password. I do.

You are now ready to use you online account.

Well, notsomuch. What follows is an endless loop of ‘name, password, wrong username, wrong password, Please reenter account info That account has been set up, please enter name username password, wrong username wrong pass…aw screw it!

On the card is a phone number to call. If I had use of an electron microscope, I could not possibly read the number, as it is printed within the rear end of the embossed words on the other side, and done so small an eagle would look down and just shrug.

Taking many repeated guesses at the number, I finally discover:

No, there is no money here either.

Time taken here for eight-pack of twinkies and six-pack of Coke. For a moment I actually wondered if they still make Salem Light 100’s. Now I am in the unenviable position of having to somehow find out why from The Department of Economic (OK, laugh) Security, using either the phone or the internet.

Proceed to Cluster blanks two thru eleven:

I go online to the website I use to fill out my weekly claim. I see a phone number, so I call.

(Cluster blanks two, three and four)

Please listen to entire message as all options have changed.

If your account number ends in one, two or three, you must call on Mondays only.

….Here we go again.

If your account number ends in four, five or six, you must call on Tuesday…

I realize now that it is telling me we have come to the end of the world as we know it, it had better end much later in the week for me.

I decided to call.

It then says to enter your account number. It actually tells you if you lie, the system will compare the phone number you are calling on to your account number, and hang up. I call their bluff. I then hear, Click.

(Cluster blanks five, six and seven)

I then see at the bottom of the page a number listed for complaints/issues related to payment. Yes, I then called the number. What followed was a closed loop of messages about how anything you want to know can be accessed on the website (no), followed by a repeating “Please Wait”, followed by the message again, ad nauseum, then after almost 45 minutes, it leads you back to the “please listen to entire message as all options have changed.”

If your account number ends in one, two or three, you must call on Mondays only.

Miserable fat bald inefficient tax robbing gubmint workers.

(Custer blanks eight and nine)

Going back to the website, I find a page that is supposed to tell you your earnings were for last week.  According to this page, the last week I got paid for was two weeks ago. The only problem is that I actually got paid for the week before last. It then asks me to file for the two weeks missing. Problem two? I filed for last week also. I then have to make a command decision. Do I refile, and risk lifetime incarceration for double filing?

(Cluster blank 10)

More Twinkies, More Coke, now looking for a place nearby that sells Salems.

I decide to refile and see what happens, after all, Mexico is only a short drive.

The website then tells me the money that is my own that they make me beg for may be on the Ucard as early as the next morning. Or, whenever.

Now, I see a link to email for the obligatory ‘complaints/issues’. I then find out that for some reason, only all caps works in the little box in which they want you to write your message. It is only befitting that I ‘yell’ my whole horrible story to some vacant-headed troll.

(Cluster blank 11)

These are the same people that want us to trust them to handle the administration of our healthcare?

Um, no

belch-simultaneous cough/fart


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