It Might Not Happen Tomorrow: So Keep On Polluting

Mick Zano

With Climategate emerging and Al Gore’s ‘world fever’ breaking a bit, It could happen tomorrow might now be renamed It could happen next Tuesday around dinner time. Of course, this is a long title that could use some editing, but the four main points won’t change on this topic: 1) there are earthly cycles that we don’t fully understand, 2) man’s impact on this phenomenally complex system is not fully understood, 3) pollution = bad, and 4) strange things certainly are afoot at the Circle K. 

The green movement does have the distinct disadvantage of being run by morons, but they still have a leg up on the people attacking them (start urinating now).  But my focus on this issue has always been this: how did Dennis Quaid, in Arctic conditions, walk from Philadelphia to NYC in about ten minutes to save his children with only tennis shoes strapped to his feet? 

Here’s the other important point: no matter how you slice it, pollution = bad.  Bush rolled back four decades of environmental laws.  If global warming is a myth, I still don’t want Earth resembling northern New Jersey any time soon.  But who does need a house out in Hackensack? 

It seems the weather cycle is dipping a bit.  So what?  Shit is still happening and even little changes over long periods could have chilling effects (pardon the pun). If It Does Happen Tomorrow, it could really screw things up for a hundred thousand years or so.  And that’s Obama’s job!  We’re talking about a few degrees here, peeps.  So the cold snap that has everyone, especially Matt ‘Spinny’ Drudge, convinced signifies the end of global warming is silly. And, sorry patriotards, politicizing the issue with faulty science doesn’t actually change the underlying truth.  Shit, is in fact, happening.

If global warming is wrong then it might be 17° in Kenosha right now.  If global warming is correct, it might be 18° in Kenosha.  We are talking about small changes over long periods.  I never said it was going to happen tomorrow (unless the Viagra script is filled in time). 

I remember watching Sean Hannity discussing the topic a few years back: 

“Global warming?” said Sean.  “It was cold last weekend.  Besides, are we heading for global warming or the next ice age?  Scientists need to make up their minds.” 

Enter my eighth grade science teacher:

“The warming will melt the polar ice caps, stopping the ocean currents (which keep the northern hemisphere warm), eventually resulting in an ice age.”

Thank you, Mrs. Moniere.  Now could you wake up, Sean?  I think he’s fallen asleep again. 

But the facts don’t matter to people infinitely more interested in their stock options and the Americun way of life, which prefers to have Mother Nature grabbing her ankles while MILFs shout ‘drill baby drill’ in the background (sadly, this is all too reminiscent of the websites I frequent).

More recently Glenn Beck had Michael Bolton and this Lord Snobbington-type guy on his program.  Now this guy actually did have some interesting data—changes nothing from my standpoint, mind you—but it was interesting nonetheless.  Lord Snobbington II called for Al Gore to debate him, or shut up. 

Al Gore should shut up and instead I will debate him. 

Your data, Sir Snobbington, champions an impressive twenty-year cooling trend.  Bravo!  It explains and changes nothing. My first four points remain true.  I don’t claim to understand the vastly complex weather trends, nor mankind’s impact on it, but pollution = bad, and something—whether you like it or not, or whether you understand it or not—is happening.  Not tomorrow, right now. I know people from Alaska; the glaciers are disappearing.  The magnetic poles are fluctuating, and somewhere the Ghetto Shaman and Pokey McDooris are being ejected from a local drinking establishment.

In our lifetimes we will witness unmistakable and otentially devastating trends.  The oceans are rising, tornados have doubled in the last fifty-years, and earthquakes have increased to 500% in the last century (Heley, 2009).  The magnetic north pole is wobbling across Siberia like a drunken sailor while there is an unprecedented pause in the usual Chandler wobble (Mandeville, 2005).  NASA is even reporting that the sun’s magnetic field is changing.  The desalination of our oceans is undeniable and is endangering the currents that regulate the entire ocean system (Clark, 2009).  Plasma is entering our atmosphere in unprecedented amounts (Dmitriev, 1997)<, fish are disappearing (Gollum, 2008), and in 2012 Mayan Gods will descend from the center of our galaxy to devour our young (Ghetto Shaman, 2004). 

The fact remains: we are most certainly negatively impacting our environment, and I don’t use dueling adverbs lightly! Do you have any idea how hard it is for Winslow to approve such things?  The discussion went like this, “But, but, but…the Crank gets all those CAPITILIZED SENTENCES!!  If pollution throws our world into a tailspin now, or a thousand years from now, it’s still an important issue that clearly warrants the use of a bevy of dueling adverbs”

“I just heard banjos.  Did you hear that?”

“Just keep paddling.”

Here’s where the right is correct.  Al Gore has politicized the shit out of this issue and scientists are apparently doping the argument.  I warned Al and his ilk about politicizing the issue long ago.  I guess his rationale is “because it’s such an important cause,” or some such.  But if you make up anything, the middle schoolers of the world (like Sean Hannity) will descend on you (and your one misstep) and they will discount all of your conclusions.  Their thought processes are as follows: A Prius may actually be worse for the planet = scrap all environmental causes (right/wrong, good/bad, with us/against us).  The patriotard menace can impact the general population quite effectively, because weez gettin awfully dumm, folks.  Missing the main points is a Fox News specialty.  But the worst thing you can do for any important cause is dope it up. Just think of any Steven Spielberg movie. You’re enjoying the shit out of the thing and then Indiana Jones suddenly falls three miles from a plane in nothing but a raft and somehow lands safely in a raging river.  You took the will and suspension of disbelief and just took my movie experience and did that Mother-Nature-grabb’n-her-ankles drill-baby-drill thing (MNGHADBBDT).

Winslow has just informed me, the above sentence contains the largest lousy acronym joke in Discord history. Shouldn’t balloons fall from the ceiling or something?

Even science is a joke these days.  This Climategate stuff is not unprecedented.  Sure the aluminum and mercury-laden vaccinations are safe, folks, so bring yer young’ns on down. Pharmaceutical companies always seem to fund these studies that, lo and behold, show the efficacy of their product.  So ask your doctor if Zaxcrappia is right for you.

Capitalism has become super capitalism, folks.  Nothing is sacred.  In a similar case, the government fed us a line of shit in the nineties on MDMA (ecstasy).  They showed pictures of holes in MDMA users’ brains.  These pics were falsified, so now any negative government drug study is looked on with more than a hint of skepticism (and rightly so). 

This is also why I am marketing a breakfast cereal called Honey Bunches of Ecstasy, and why I have a bowl of Frosted Mini Shrooms every morning with a balanced breakfast.  The Ghetto Shaman makes the omelets. As he always says, you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few FDA regs. 

What were we talking about?

My train of thought seems to have fallen out of a plane, but luckily it landed safely in this raging river. 

Review time, kids. 

Libertards: Global Warming is caused solely by man’s evil influence. We should go back to living in trees = wrong.

Patriotards:  God is just making some changes, so ignore the melting glaciers because I really need a new Lexus = wronger.

Integralists:  Some major climate changes are occurring, although we don’t fully know why, we should work together to reduce global pollution, preferably without destroying what’s left of our economy in the process = Bingo.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.