Tucson, AZ—Philippe Gonzales received his results from Ancestry.com and he was “shocked” to discover he’s 80% Mexican. Despite being born in Mexico in a Mexican family, Mr. Gonzales has identified as a white Aryan supremacist for most of his life. He spends much of his time traveling between Walmart home and garden centers and white supremacist rallies. Yesterday, after much self-debate, he vowed to take matters into his own hands. Without a word to his family Mr. Gonzales wrestled himself into his Ford Bronco at gunpoint and drove himself to the Mexican border at gunpoint. Once there he forced himself over the wall and into Mexico with strict self-instructions never to return.
Earth—The 411-Brakke asteroid is changing course at this hour after reportedly being “disgusted” with the political goings-on over at the third rock from the sun. As of yesterday the asteroid was on a collision course with our planet, but is now thinking the better of it. The Discord was able to land an exclusive interview with the asteroid, beating out both Rolling Stone Magazine and The Hubble Times. You may remember this cosmic rockbuster from such movies as Deep Impact and Armageddon.
Cogan Station, PA—Congressman Tom Marino (R-Pa) is back at the top of the list to become America’s next drug czar. Marino had stepped down from consideration, briefly, after allegations of accepting kickbacks from Big Pharma surfaced and concern rose that his signature legislation has helped funnel painkillers into rural America. Today, Marino vows to crackdown on opiod use across the country, while still accepting kickbacks from the same drug companies. “It’s win, win,” said Marino. “For me.”
Earth—Despite the higher number of extreme meteorological events in the early 21st century, the Meteorological Endeavor Statistical Society (MESS) has forecasted an unprecedented period of normal temperatures and glorious beach weather. If climate change is a hoax than at least one group of experts is forecasting many decades of a high-pressure system that will envelop the whole planet for a long time. This extended dry spell should balance out existing weather-induced model-patterns (WIMPs). Storm Dank of AchooWeather said, “It’s actually only 99 years of great weather, so if you’re born today you might want to plan your 100th birthday indoors somewhere.”
There’s no indication that Fox News is tacking back toward sanity. A Laura Ingraham slot on primetime represents another doubling down on their conservative suckage. She’s the only Foxeteer arguably right of Hannity. Nothing should be right of Hannity, well, unless it has a shaved head and a Thor’s hammer tat. Don’t you realize if you make your viewers any less insightful they’re going to need 24-hour supervision? Oh, you’re already providing them that. Touche’. So it’s skewed Pew polls during the week and skewed church pews on Sunday. Skew Skewitt? It’s the perfect crime …against humanity. Meanwhile, today’s conservatism represents a pile of cultural, spiritual, and economic garbage. But please don’t tell your Republican friends that our taxes go toward garbage removal, or we’ll never be rid of them.
Tweet Tower—Some of President Trump’s more perplexing comments during his UN speech yesterday seem to have taken a darker turn. When asked to elaborate, Trump said, “I have added Agrabah to my no-fly list. No more flying for Agrabah, on planes, or helicopters, or those flying carpets. None of that green energy shit on my watch. And Nambia has proven to be the worst of the worst. These are people who are just asking for me to personally bomb the living shit out of them. We have the best generals working on how to find Nambia on a map and then destroy it. On a related note, I love the movie Nambia, except the scene when Nambia’s mother died. That’s sad.”
The American Southwest—President Trump has ordered a review of over two dozen national monuments located all across the southwest. Many are calling the president’s attempt to rollback Obama-protected lands for the purpose of exploitation, despicable. President Trump told the press today to “Chillax, folks! There’s a lot of wood, water and minerals totally untapped out there in the dirt and, with new technologies, you won’t even know we’re fracking the shit out of your aquifer. Think of it as a chance for the Native Americans to give a little back to Uncle Sam. They owe us. They do. Who got those spigots running during their Trail of Tears, right? We did. Ask not what your president’s personal finances can do for you, but ask what you can do for your president’s personal finances. Oh, and shhh. Let’s not tell, you know who. You know ….Voldemueller.”
Nogales, AZ—An angry Tweet from Donald Trump has enslaved thousands of ‘snowflake’ liberals for the single purpose of building his promised border wall. The President told the press today, “I said the Mexicans would pay for the wall and clearly some of the folks we detained this week are pretty brown, really brown people. Sure, some are just tan because we picked them up in the desert, but some started out that pigment. We are working with the people at AncestryDeport.com to sort out the real Americans from the wetbacks. Don’t worry, folks, many brown people will be constructing and/or paying for this wall. When the Feds swept the desert at the close of Burning Man, we picked up a whole bunch of progressive flakey, hipster-types, and that’s when I told AG Sessions, ‘Hold onto those freaks. I have an idea…”
[Sharks with firggin’ lasers attached to their heads joke removed by the editor]
Washington, DC—In an effort to stabilize a political ecosystem that many in Washington are calling “completely F-d up”, environmentalists released 47 stable Republican politicians into Congress this week. Jake Green of the Capitol Re-Acclimation Project explains, “By releasing semi-coherent individuals into both the Senate and the House, the hope is that things might actually return to the baseline of greed and incompetence normally associated with beltway politics. All of these politicians have been tagged and we will be monitoring both their movements as well as their legislative progress. We just hope they don’t eat their young, again.”