Washington, DC—Attorney General, Eric Holder, admitted today how Obama plans to end 2nd Amendment rights in this country forever.” He later clarified, “The 2nd Amendment is the one about guns, right?”
Barack Obama is fast becoming furious with his Attorney General as he “wanted this to be a surprise.”
Holder said, “New York’s Mayor Bloomberg already initiated Phase 1 of the operation by banning large soda drinks. During Phase 2 he will ban all chewing gum because, let’s face it, kids stick that shit in all kinds of places they shouldn’t.”
The Discord’s own Cokie McGrath interrupted him at this point to thank him for that last sentence, which she explained could easily be taken out of context with hilarious consequences.
“Phase III, which arbitrarily changes to roman numerals, expands these bans nationwide,” continued Holder. “For phase IV, which we haven’t decided whether or not will stay in roman numerals yet, will make it illegal to own gum of any kind. Once Phase IV is in the books we are only one pre-mediated typo away from taking everyone’s gun. They won’t know what hit them. We’re calling it Operation Smith and Wrigley.”
When asked about our founding fathers’ vision, Holder said, “They didn’t have good vision. They had those shitty little wire glasses. How could they have foreseen where kids would be sticking their gum these days, let alone our Phase 4? Besides, Republicans can’t spell. This is going to be like taking candy from a Bubba.”