As The First To Predict And Endorse A Biden/Harris Ticket, Here’s Why I Was Wrong

After a long in-depth process, steeped in an esoteric wonkish mysticism, I read my tea leaves, summoned my magic, and tapped into this country’s ever-shifting political scheissgiest for the sole purpose of honing my theories and algorithms to become the very first to endorse the Biden/Harris combo, last May. Fine. I drank a beer and watched about twenty minutes of the first Democratic debate before I looked at my wife and said, “We’re screwed, put Ash vs The Evil Dead back on.” The next day I wrote that ‘dream ticket’ article and never watched another minute of those bullshit Dem-bates *cough*. Fine. Whereas that all happened, upon review I’d written that article a month earlier, based solely on the lengthy list of presidential hopefuls, who must have received their Bezos-shipped participation trophies by now. Thanks for playing. Hey, at least I nixed my first duo: Gillibrand/Hickenlooper. That’s a long bumper sticker.

[The Hardest Button To Button joke removed by the White Stripes]

It’s all so predictable, thus my predictions. But it doesn’t mean I’m happy about it. A year ago I felt this particular ticket marked the best chance to depose a despot; the same man now hard at work chewing at our institutions like a termite on cocaine. Although, I suppose cokeroach would be more accurate for Drumpf—a man who, knowing the future, wants to avoid prison.

[Ex-terminator joke pre-pardoned before scurrying down a shower drain.]

About a week after my prediction post a group of black lawmakers did come to the same ‘dream ticket’ conclusion, aka post my post. At that time Harris responded with “that ticket is sexist.” Nice. Black lawmakers …what could she possibly have in common with them? For some context, she had about 3% of the D-vote when I pitched my dynamic duo. Nasty, Lady! Kidding. She’s smart, savvy and will likely rally the base with some wonderful stump speeches, besides in 2020 we need a little nasty.

At some point, I mulled a Biden/Warren ticket which would salve the larger party rift, but post BLM that wouldn’t work. Susan Rice would have returned us to Benghazi and, frankly, the pandemic isn’t that depressing, but writing more about Benghazi? Yeah, how much bleach kills the coronavirus? You do need to give the Hannitys of the world some time to make shit up. It’s the only break we get from their Foxal matter. Overall, I was not that impressed with the Democratic crop, some were too old, some were too young, some were dumb as a box of rocks, it was a lot like my college dating career. Maybe Kamala is right about me, well, glad she’s right about something.

This past Independence Day our president warned how a radical left, bent on destroying our country, is on the rise in ‘Murica. Trumped on the 4th of July? But the juxtaposition is what always boils my bum. He’s warning of some liberal fascism looming on the horizon, when in reality: the Dems have always voted for the moderate/pragmatists, and the president is stating this from the oval office …as an authoritarian. Let’s all fear an empty, hypothetical threat while I’m actively weaponizing every government agency to help my own re-election bid.

Now to add to the republican list of gerrymandering, voter suppression, voter intimidation, and the deeply flawed electoral college, we get to add: rounding up all the blue boxes prior to the election. Gerrymailmandering? Yeah, the rest of the world is watching …while you’re all Netflixing.

Why is Biden/Harris the wrong ticket, Zano? Stay focused.

Because over the last year I’ve abandoned pragmatism in favor of something greener, progressiver, and closer to what one would call a revolution. Don’t worry, no one is joining me. AG Barr may be listening, but he’s the only one …it’s all falling on deaf ears in the general populous. Those who are motivated for change are all trapped amidst the George Floyd, The Gall rock opera. I get it, but maybe, just maybe, this could have been coupled with a move toward actual regime change. Maybe when someone is trying to avoid jail time by dismantling the post office to stay elected, we should muster at least a hint of the 60s. I know, I know, I already predicted, long ago, that no one would take notice until it was too late. Normalcy bias is on overdrive and liberals are nearly as shortsighted as republicans. I get it, hell, I wrote it. But it’s okay, I just make the drinks stronger, which, in honor of both COVID and Douglas Adams, I named the Pandemic-Galactic Gargleblaster. Or, as Captain Kirk once said, “In every revolution, there’s one man with double vision.” Or, it was something like that.

My own bid for the presidency, here, aka a kinder, gentler ANTIFA.

In that same article from last May, I pointed out my four main concerns with a Biden candidacy. To summarize the first three in one word: LecherBaghdadiMcGaffistan. But my inspiration for that article hailed from my fourth reason, namely, how Biden still thinks the GOP is redeemable. There’s no evidence of that in the last two decades and they would never return that courtesy. This isn’t your father’s republican party …well, unless your father was an asshole. Biden lived through eight years of this under Obama so wake the F up, Sleepy Joe.

And what have we learned about Kamala since last May? She approached the Drug War from a dangerously republican perspective. My main beef? This ticket isn’t quite as Bernie as it should be. A lot of people suffered under Kamala as prosecutor. She put a lot of people away for their low crimes and misdereefers. Is it a dealer-breaker for me? No. We have to be a little forgiving, after all, not everyone can be as savvy as a spoof news blogger fueled by craft beer and hate. Overall she’s a formidable figure, who performs well during congressional hearings. If Pence is smart he’d pass on the debate, but we’ve established that He.Is.Not.

During Trump’s inauguration, I begged the question: would the ass-clown part save us from the Hitler part? Nearly four years after I posed that question I think we have that answer. A second Trump administration would finish us, but at the end of the day—and it’s the end of our day—we don’t need any more pragmatists. Sure, they were wonderful back in the day, but systematically moving toward reasonable policies is not going to work while the Mitch McConnell’s of the world still operate effectively and unscrupulously to obstruct any and all progress. It’s too late for nudging ourselves in the right direction. Sure big change is painful, which is why I stayed mired in moderation for so long, and, yes, that’s as close to a retraction as you’re going to get from me, at least until I’m wrong about something.

Meanwhile, our country’s back is against Trump’s wall. We are not a few years behind the rest of the west, we’re decades. To see where republicans are remaining ideologically is astounding, time is fleeting, madness takes its toll. If you’re looking green, healthcare, infrastructure, disparity, lawyers, guns, money, we are that shithole country Trump laughed about.

As for the headline, I was just joshing ya. I’m never wrong. Not really sure what that’s all about, but as our president would say, it is what it is.

 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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