Santa Monica, CA—Billionaire and SpaceX owner, Elon Musk, is blaming an employee for a glitch that sent his ride into space on Wednesday. After the Falcon Heavy blasted off with his car, Mr. Musk found himself with no ride from the launch pad back to his mansion in Bel Air. One onlooker was hesitant to pick up the mogul, because, “He looked a little too yuppie, and out of place with his obviously Photoshopped cardboard sign.”
Tweet Tower—In the wake of three deadly Amtrak crashes in the last fifty days, President Trump is standing by his decision to gut the U.S. Department of Transportation’s budget by 13%. The president said, “I don’t own a train and I don’t take the train. Who the hell still takes an F-ing train? …well, besides Republican congressmen, I guess. But hey, that $2.4 billion I saved went directly to folks in my tax bracket. It’s win-win, because my rich friends never board those death traps. And why don’t they have McDonald’s on those things? Sad.”
Tweet Tower—According to an unnamed Discord source, the White House is behind a series of help wanted ads for the FBI directorship appearing on LinkedIn and Indeed. The controversial posting states, “Full-time, must be 18 years of age. The candidate must be a ‘yes’ man, and ‘man’ preferred. Unswerving loyalty to the president required. White privilege a must. Will train if not misogynistic, racist, or xenophobic. Good phony communication skills (not a typo). Must be willing to destroy the rule of law and protect a sociopathic man-child prone to periodic temper tantrums. Must possess knowledge of adolescent behavioral modification strategies. Prior FBI or police experience a plus, or at least watch some of the new X-File episodes prior to interview. Must be able to hide the bodies, but then not disclose where said bodies are buried. Excellent benefits (for now). Knowledge of Excel a plus.”
Crozet, VA—God has claimed responsibility for the derailment of a train carrying a number of Republican congressman outside of the small town of Crozet, Virginia earlier today. God stated that the attack was a response to last night’s State of the Union address. His or Her Holiness told the U.S. press today, “Do not follow this false prophet! Trump talked for friggin’-ever last night and then the Democrats got their turn to respond after his speech, so what about me? Why can’t the Supreme Being get a word in edgewise? Well, I’m done with this shit. Trump does not speak for me, hell, without a teleprompter that ass-clown can’t speak at all!”
Liberals are at a huge disadvantage during a Republican scandal.
For one thing, we can’t ask what did they know and when did
they know it, because they don’t know anything.
Brooklyn, NY—An angry mob of so-called ‘Dreamers’ gathered outside of Senator Chuck Schumer’s Brooklyn apartment last night to protest DACA’s removal from the latest round of budget negotiations. When the senator arrived at his home at 8:00 PM, he was jeered, pelted and ultimately tarred and feathered by the mob of would-be U.S. citizens. Schumer told the Discord today, “They want DACA? Now they’re not going to get kaka. I want all of these brown little shits deported. I want them out of my city and I want them out of my country. And no more ‘birds of a feather’ jokes from the press, or someone is going to meet my feathery fists of fury!”
National Parksylvania—If the looming stalemate in Congress shifts to a partial government shutdown that could prove a worst case scenario for our national parks and memorials. Park and memorial services across the country would need to scramble to make only some of their featured landscapes and monuments available to the public. There would be strict congressional guidelines involving access, fees, and available vistas. For example, if you climb into the Grand Canyon and then the partial shutdown hits, you would not be allowed to climb back out. In Wyoming at the Grand Teton National Park, only one of the Great Tits would be displayed. Even more disturbing, the necessary geological mastectomy to remove the other mound may tally in the billions. At Yosemite National Park you can get into the scenic valley, but the famous Bridalveil Falls will be turned off with a giant spigot installed during the partial government shutdown of 2013.
Tweet Tower—Under the increased speculation that the president is unfit for office, the White House physician administered a cognitive assessment exam earlier this week. The physician, Patsy McPassfail, said the president performed “exceedingly well” on the Montreal Cognitive Assessment test. Today, however, an unknown staffer leaked the actual test the president received. The leaked assessment contained mostly tailored questions that the president had already answered at one time or another in tweet form. The physician also failed to follow standard scoring practices, often awarding partial credit to the president for picking something ‘right next to’ the correct answer.
President Trump wants the Mueller’s investigation to wind down as soon as possible, but one potential delay may include the counsel’s request for a direct interview with the president. Mueller’s team wants a sit down face to face meeting, but the president made it clear he only does interviews with Sean Hannity and only when the questions are sent to him way ahead of time. The president is also requesting no more than five questions, with explanatory pictures, as well as periodic statements that he is not actually under investigation and that he’s doing a fine GREAT job as president.
Tweet Tower—Several pounds of frozen people parts were discovered in Ziploc bags in White House advisor Stephen Miller’s freezer during a raid Monday night. Mr. Miller stated he’s “not sure” how the remains got there, but he is willing to work with investigators on finding some really tasty seasonal soup dishes. Agents noted how several movies were found at the Miller residence, including: Dahmer Kitchen Diaries, Silence of the Lambs: The Musical, as well as Sautéing Private Ryan. His bookcase contained such titles as The Cannibal Cookbook; The Good, The Bad and the Stir-fried; and a signed copy of Liberals: The Other White-House Meat. On a related note, a recent Discord survey found eight out of ten of those polled: “would have been surprised if human remains had not been found in Stephen Miller’s freezer.”