Garbage Basketball a Lost Art for One Man

Garbage Basketball a Lost Art for One Man

Arlington, VA—The new garbage container designs have all but ended many years of wastepaper basketball. Will this sport follow the fate of kick the can, or spin the can, or ring around the spinning can? At its peak, the popular sport was played in one form or another by an estimated 75-million people across the U.S. By 2010, to the chagrin of an elite group of home hoopsters, all kitchen garbage cans came with lids.

Wastebasket ball great, Barry Mellman, said, “I would shoot waste baskets to make the cleaning more fun. With the new pale I tried putting a large rock on the lever to keep it open, but my wife broke her toe on the fucking thing. Besides, you never get a true bank shot off those circular contraptions.”

“I cried the day the lidless ones died,” said Hall of Fumer, Ron Fratelli. “I even own an official garbage basketball hoop. So last week I make this great shot with an overripe tomato. It, of course, ends up through the hoop but on the lid—with mucho tomato shrapnel on the wall. My wife asked if it was a mob hit. Women just don’t appreciate the wasteular arts.”

Garbage container manufacturers claim the newer models are more hygienic and significantly cut down on odor.

Oscar the Grouch added, “You mean they keep odors in, right?”

Oh My, You’ve Lost Some Weight!

The Crank

I get that a lot lately. Yes, the 800lb beige gorilla in the room has managed to somehow lose 30 lbs. Giving up nearly everything you love to eat apparently has that effect. When I was younger the only incentive to stay fit involved getting girls. But sometimes even then it just wasn’t enough (aka, boy those Twinkies and that 3 liter bottle of Coke look real good, but I better not if I want to gggaaaammmffff-glugglugglug). Oh well, so much for the diet or the date.

Now it’s very different. After 50 + years of being asked to do the impossible—the regulation of blood sugar for someone with a sweet tooth, nay, a sweet TUSK—my pancreas has flown the white flag of surrender. If it could speak, it would be handing me my ass on a platter about now, which I couldn’t then eat because of all of the associated sugar. The Doc said that I was ‘borderline’ and needed to take daily doses of a wonderful little drug called Metformin, or as I have renamed it, ‘Hello Cramps!’

You see, with the aid of medication, I have been able to cheat destiny many times. Survival has become my very own version of Star Trek’s ‘Kobiashi-Maru’ test. Thanks to drugs like Crestor and Hyzaar, I have, like Captain Kirk, successfully changed the parameters of cause and effect, allowing me to attain an age even my father never reached. Patting myself on the back for attaining the blood pressure and cholesterol of thin people whilst engaging in my very own Food Channel version of “Dancing with Mr. D” as the Stones called it, has now come back to bite me in the ass.

Metformin is supposed to help the pancreas generate insulin, which it does rather effectively. But it does so at a cost. I take it with dinner so as to “lessen its effects on the stomach” as the directions state. Yeah, well, notsomuch. About halfway though Dancing With the Has-beens, as I talk to my wife “Gee hon, I think they got a real good bunch of HOLYSHIT-OH-MY-GOD THAT HURTS…pleaseletmediepleaseletmedie!”

Not wanting to endure the pain of CHILDBIRTH every evening for THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE, I have succumbed to what my Wife calls Healthy Eating Habits. I call it The Long Tasteless Goodbye. As I sit there at dinner trying to be upbeat about my dinner salad I rephrase the words to an old favorite Meatloaf song, Paradise by the Dashboard Light, as I sing to myself:


“…and now I’m prayin’ for the end of time,
so hurry-up man arrive.
For if I have to eat another salad again I don’t think that I can really survive.
I won’t forget my promise or forget my vow,
but GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT I COULD EAT RIGHT NOW.
So I’m prayin’ for the end of time is all that I can do-hoo-hoo,
prayin’ for the end of time so I can have   some    damn    real    food.


It was long ago and it was far away
and tasted so much better than it does today.
Oh it was long ago and it was far away
and tasted so much better than it does today…”

Shit, I can’t eat Meatloaf either.

Now that you all feel very sad for me, and dammit you should, let me say now there is a bright side to this friggin foodless fiasco. First off, it’s been a long time since I was this size. One day, as I walked across the showroom at work, my pants—ones I have had an intensely close relationship with for many years—had to my absolute horror suddenly decided the floor was where they’d rather be! It was like my ass wasn’t good enough anymore, I didn’t quite know why at the time, studying my belt and the pants closer for issues. It wasn’t till then that I realized I had in fact lost width. When I got home and ran to the bathroom and stepped on the digital scale that heretofore despised me, I had lost 30 lbs!

Well hi-de-fucking-ho there fellas. To paraphrase Sarah Palin, I can see my feet from my house!

The problem now is that I need all new clothes. Because of the recession, I can ill afford such luxuries as clothes, so I hereby state my intentions to petition President Obama for a “Too Big to Fall” pants stimulus bailout.

As I write this I am at a weight I haven’t seen in probably 20 years, and while I miss my sugar, I find that it’s the carbs I miss the most. Just what the FUCK am I supposed to do with sauce, eh? Make believe I got pasta? Drink it like soup? What? I also found that the makers of Aspartame should be arrested for war crimes. I would love to water board them myself. Soylent Yellow. Aspartame is jet fuel. If you must diet, think Stevia. Oh, and looking for a diet soda that won’t make you plotz? Try Dr. Pepper 10. Not 0 calories, but not 300 either. 10 calories, they actually add sugar, just not a shit load.

Can I keep it up? I hope so, and my wife does too. Only time will tell, but I have to say I would really rather die like my grandpa did…calmly in his sleep at a ripe old age, not screaming like the passengers in the bus he was driving at the time.

Greens, its wut’s fer dinner? L

helpme

Crank

Go Coyotes! No, Really…You Can Move to Seattle

Go Coyotes! No, Really...You Can Move to Seattle
Mick Zano

Wow, nearly three of your fans got to watch you beat the Chicago Blackhawks this year—your first ever playoff series win since moving from Winni-friggin-peg. Wanna know why? The following is the comedy, the tragedy, and the horror that befell one Coyote fan, namely me, during the 2012 playoffs. Damn Mayans. The Hockey Gods frown on you Arizona! They will now probably relocate to Seattle or Hackensack…and who needs a team out in Hackensack? This post has been sent to NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman and to Captain Coyote, Shane Doan. They will respect my authoritay!

I love Arizona, if it weren’t for all these damn Arizonians. Yes, I am an East coaster and at times like this my condition flares up like a geographic hemorrhoid. For game two I drove down from Flagstaff to Phoenix for this epic event. It was snowing on the Saturday in question. We already had about a foot on the ground. Oh, and I have applied to become a meteorologist in the Flagstaff area as the job obviously comes complete with a medical marijuana card and a lifetime supply of the goods (aka, the weathermen here must be stoned out of their gourds 24/7). I think Punxsutawney Phil could prognosticate better after a lost weekend with Keith Richards on a bucket of shrooms.

Anyway, despite assurances that things would wind down by 11AM, at 1PM it was still snowing heavily. I said screw it and braved Route-17 anyway. I’m a hockey fan, after all, so I can skate. By Munds Park the snow had stopped, but at Camp Verde the passenger side windshield wiper decided to swing all the way over and break the only wiper I actually needed…the one in front of my face. Sears had just replaced the mechanism for the one that just went rogue and had rabidly attacked its driver side counterpart. It was a vicious maneuver not seen since the 2nd game of the Flyer/Penguin series. Of course, Bettman would probably approve a 25 trip suspension for the infraction, wouldn’t ya? Free Raffi!!! Meanwhile, Sears later only replaced one of the wipers. Not having been there themselves, maybe they figured the other wiper had it coming. I am also applying for all the mechanic jobs in my area for that lifetime prescription thing as well.

So, as I climb over the Prescott Mountains, it started raining and sleeting again. I stopped at the Sunset Point rest area to survey the area. My situation was dire. It looked like there was a wall of water on either side of the highway, but there was a narrow opening due south. So I shot the gap and made it safely to New River Road. I cut over to Surprise, jumped in my sister’s truck and made it to the game, unscathed. I enjoyed a beer at McFadden’s, talked hockey with two Canadians–who knew a lot about old time hockey, eh—and two hours later I wanted to shoot my face off, because the Coyotes allowed the tying goal with 5.5 seconds left in the game and then promptly lost in overtime.

Forward to game six…where things get stupid. Admittedly, it’s not entirely the Coyotes’ fault, but I’m a blamer and it’s certainly mostly their fault. Game six is why I wrote this article, so Mr. Bettman and Mr. Doan, pay particular attention to this part.

1PM game day:

I’m stuck at work and can’t check the game’s start time. My work blocks all sports stuff on the internet. Oh, they also block The Daily Discord. The filter, dutifully installed by my fascist IT department, labeled the site either porn or mature content… which is bullshit, because it’s clearly both.

So I must rely on my wife to let me know when the game starts. She said 4PM. It’s Chicago time so this isn’t too unusual. So I dutifully leave work early and head to Maloney’s Pub for the game. Kidding! I always leave work early and head to Maloney’s Pub. Upon arriving, I parked it at a booth and ordered a Guinness. The woman poured the thing straight, not the traditional three quarter pour, and then she promptly forgot to bring it over to me. Well, that’ neither here nor there…actually it’s right over there and I can’t drink it. Then I soon realized the Ottawa/Ranger game is on. I Google NHL.com and find out the Coyote game starts in three hours. Good, maybe she’ll bring me my flipping beer by then! In her defense, there are at least two other patrons in the establishment.

I finished my beer and decided to watch the game at home. My wife swore it said Coyotes/Blackhawks at 4PM but now it appears the game is on CNBC at 6PM, at least according to the guide. So 6PM rolled around and I’m still enjoying American Greed: Scams, Schemes, and Broken Dreams (this would later prove apropos). Who needs hockey playoffs when you have the Bernie Madoff story, right? I’m not complaining; I enjoy a good white collar crime as much as the next guy.

I’m still not worried because I know the game really starts at seven. It’s Arizona, I’m used to this by now. Then, at 6:45PM, CNBC announces on the marquee that the game is blacked out in my area. Shit. Well, the game is on FSA+ at 9PM. All I have to do is text my sister, who has the hockey package, and tell her not to call me if they win. I will also need to avoid certain channels for a while, most of the internet, and I probably shouldn’t leave the house or answer the phone or even talk to anyone. No problem.

Oh wait, Facebook will tell me the scores period for period, which makes me crazy as I DVR some of the games, so I steered clear of that as well. Yahoo Mail would be a bad move too with all the typical razzing.

Shit. I’m the Administrator on Call for my agency this week. I have to answer the phone. Hmmm. This is playoff hockey…what’s the worst that could happen at a psych unit? I shut the bitch off. So all I need to do now is hide for two hours amidst some kind of information-less bubble, a place totally devoid of reality. So, I did what anyone in a similar situation would, I turned on Fox News.

This is like an old joke the Crank told me once…but that’s not what really pissed me off.

At 6:55PM, I switch over to FSA+ and it says Coyote Pre Game Show on the guide. Cool.

COYOTE PRE-GAME SHOW…

Ummm, it was the post game show and they were congratulating goalie Mike Smith on his shutout.

DAMN YOU ARIZONA!!! DAMN YOU COYOTES!!!! DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!!

Sorry, I just had to vent. DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am willing to forgive the NHL, the city of Phoenix, Sudden Link Cable, and Captain Shane Doan if they send me two regular season tickets for next year, provided the team isn’t relocated to Seattle (in which case include some flights from Sky Harbor to Sea-Tac). The seats don’t have to be on the ice or anything fancy, but not nosebleed either. Oh, and I’m only attending if you resign the contract with the Guinness kiosk, which closed recently. I moved my family west, as Horace Greely demanded, for roughly ten reasons. Number three was Jobing.com and the Phoenix Coyotes! and number seven was the coveted Guinness kiosk at Jobing.com. If over four million people in the Valley of the Sun would rather pay $8 a pint for a Budweiser product over $8 for a Guinness—yes, they were the same price (a salary tap?)—then you don’t deserve a professional hockey team! I was just as sad when the Dublin Draughts relocated to Scotland.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

P.S. I won’t say no to a party box, in which case I’ll even cover the game for The Daily Discord. You might want to check out some of our posts before you agree to that part. Now don’t get me started on Doan’s first hat trick. Earlier in the season, I missed Doan’s second goal searching for the illusive Guinness kiosk, which closed. Bastards! And when Doan sealed the deal with his third, everyone in my section had just decided to stand up and go back to McFadden’s, presumably due to the lack of Guinness. So as the buzzer sounded and the puck entered the net (Doan scored with zero seconds on the clock), I was tying my shoe. You can’t make this shit up…well, I could but I didn’t.

The Magnificent Apology Rides Again

Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA-Lately we have drifted into a bit of a journalism-free stupor here at The Discord. I keep firing Mick Zano, which accomplishes little. The Ghetto Shaman has only posted intermittently this month, which he claims is due to his important “inhalant research.” Well listen up, Mr. Huffy McSnortsproducts, if you’re late one more time, I’m handing the whole advice column over to McGrath and her anti-life coaching/relationship advice drivel! No offense Cokie, but it’s drivel.

As for our recent news item debacles, I have implemented a stricter process to ensure a level of quality and integrity not seen since our Virgin Contracts VD: Hailed as Immaculate Infection days. The Discord’s recent coverage Salmon Linked to Tunaonella Outbreak was a potential threat to our informed readers’ health, to say nothing of the outcry after our post Weaponized T&A Causes Mounting Threat. In retrospect, our slice of life feature My Adorable Ex’s Tranny should have read My Adorable Texas Granny. We sincerely apologize to Mrs. Katie Walthrope of Austin for the embarrassment she and her family suffered.

What I truly found inexcusable was Mick Zano’s coverage of Andrew Breitbart’s death. As it turns out, Breitbart died of heart failure not, as Zano claimed in his feature, a drone strike ordered by The White House. We’re better than this! …albeit not by much.

Kirkpatrick/Zano: the Interview

Kirkpatrick/Zano: The Interview
Mick Zano

On the balcony of the Weatherford Hotel, Alex Bone and I were minding our own business and kicking back a brewski. Many stories begin this way. Bone man had already managed to piss off one of the owners, Sam, and somehow turned his flagrant obnoxiousness into a free shot of tequila. Bone is living proof the customer isn’t always right, yet it still pays dividends.

The Weatherford Hotel is an important slice of the old west. I don’t conduct any actual research for the Daily Discord, but I believe it’s the place where Zane Grey punched out Louis La Amour’s horse during a bar fight. Perhaps, more importantly, it’s where the Flagstaff Writer’s Group meets each week to bring you all the news unfit to post and whatnot. This is also happens to be our new mission statement.

This is how things went down that day:

Zano: Dude, what’s going on in there? The Zane Grey is packed.

Bone: I don’t know, but if you sign the petition you can get some free food.

Zano: Nice, I’ll be back.

Bill Maher’s ‘Stupidest State Award’

So I sign Proposition 101, steal some appetizers and nachos, and then listen to everyone sing happy birthday to our former State Representative Ann Kirkpatrick (D). I believe Proposition 101 urges Arizona to legislate better so one day we can hand Bill Maher’s ‘Stupidest State Award’ back to Mississippi. I signed twice.

Zano: Hey, that’s Ann Kirkpatrick in there. Let’s get an interview.

Bone: It’s suit city in there. Besides, I don’t have the video camera.

Zano: I have mine. Come on. We only cover stories that fall into our laps, and this is one of those lap dances.

Bone: Lap dance? She’s like fifty.

Zano: It’s an expression. Look, you can’t just swindle booze and food all day. Sometimes you have to earn your keep.

Bone: So there’s a beer in it for me?

Zano: Indeed there is.

Bone and Zano enter the Zane Grey Ballroom:

Zano: Hello and happy birthday.

Kirkpatrick: Thank you (Ann turned to Alex Bone). Don’t I know you?

Bone: Yes. I represent the community’s Viking vote.

Kirkpatrick: Ah, well someone has to do it.

(Laughter)

Zano: Would you mind a short interview for the Daily Discord, a very important political blog? (I hand her our business card).

Kirkpatick: Sure, sure.

Zano: So were you aware this is where the Daily Discord holds their weekly meetings… in this very room at this very time?

Kirkpatrick: No, I was not aware.

Zano: And did you know this is also where the Flagstaff Writing Group meets each week and has for over three years?

Kirkpatick: I had no idea.

Zano: So you’re saying your handlers completely botched this event?

(Yeah, I really said that.)

Mick Zano sporting his lesbian lingerie with Ann Kirkpatrick (D)
Mick Zano sporting his lesbian lingerie with Ann Kirkpatrick (D)

Fact Check: Zano’s statement is blatantly false. As stated, Alex Bone and Mick Zano were the only two people in attendance. By definition, two people can not constitute two groups. Regardless, the Daily Discord is not separate from the Flagstaff Writer’s Group. This is a ‘pants on fire’ level lie.

Ground breaking para-abnormal Yahtzee séance

Damn Fact Check. And I tried to have them Photoshop out my flannel shirt. I really did. Oh, by the way, this is the same room where we held our ground breaking para-abnormal Yahtzee séance.

Back to that first image. If you look at the woman to the left of the photo, that’s Ann’s mother and she already smells a rat:

Fact Check: You must mean in the left of the photo. If she were to the left of the photo, she would not be in the picture at all. We are not even going comment on the validity of Proposition 101 and Zano’s Grey/ La Amour horse punching story.

Damn you Fact Check people! Damn you!

Ann’s Mother: (completely interrupting our interview) We usually charge fifty dollars for such photo shoots.

(Forced laughter)

Ann’s mother: We’re leaving dear, would you mind walking us out?

Nice, lady, real nice.

Zano: That was going great! And now we got nothing…

Bone: Not true, you usually make a story out of nothing. Have you ever read any of your other posts?

Zano: Good point.

So now, the totally fictional conclusion of this historic interview:

Zano: I understand you are running again in 2012. But is running as a Democrat in Arizona proof you have a deep masochistic streak or some other fetish on par with Rick Man-On-Dog Santorum?

Kirkpatick: I ahh…

Zano: I understand you are concerned about our national debt but, as a Democrat, isn’t that somewhat counterintuitive?

Kirkpatick: I really should get back to—

Zano: Just one more question, please. Who would win an OK Corral-style shootout between Ted Nugent and the Black Panthers?

Kirkpatick: Look, I don’t think—

Zano: Would you consider hosting such an event in Flagstaff if one could be arranged?

Kirkpatick: This interview is over.

This is probably how it would have gone down. Just sayin’.

Fact Check: If this happened around Ann Kirkpatrick’s birthday, this interview occurred on or around March 24th. Ted Nugent’s recent incendiary remarks about Obama took place on April 14th. Due to the time line discrepancy, this question would likely have not been posed to the politician.

Damn you Fact Check people! Damn you!

Fact Check: It is true that Zano’s brown flannel shirt is considered lesbian lingerie in the Flagstaff area.

Zano: Grrrr.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Stocks rally on news you’re actually going to post something this week. In particular, crude really tumbles without your important voice.

Mick Zano

Dear Mick,

Yeah, for me it’s always a bare market…until the police arrive. Sorry, i’m kind of behind on my fan mail. Some of us don’t have the luxury of not getting any, bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

The Lottery as an Investment Strategy

The Lottery as an Investment Strategy
The Crank

As I sit at my desk at work, not really earning anything, I dream of winning the mega lottery, just like everyone else who lacks the fortitude to actually ‘save’, or ‘invest’ or any of those other long range, forethought-related endeavors…you know, the Middle Class.

As this week’s Mega Millions is exceeding all expectations and is now at 650 miwwiyun dowwas, I know intellectually I stand a better chance of a faith healer kick starting my pancreas with a laying on of hands than actually winning it. “Oh ye of faith, pray ye to God that insulin shall flow and Twinkies and Coke shall be imbibed with no ill effects…praise the Lord.”

I may fully understand my chances, yet still participate all the same. On my favorite TV show (Fox Business Channel), Stewart Varney had a ‘numbers expert’ on and he said the odds were now 1 in about 175 million, and we shouldn’t bother. That’s less chance than our own Mick Zano shutting the hell up about Fox during any given week.

Varney asked this number guru if someone would win. He said “Oh yes, at some point you will have a winner.” Varney then asked him if he had partaken of this week’s game. “Of course,” said he.

I rest my case. With the winnings this big, all the networks had to trot out all the stories of life gone wrong because of winning the lottery. In watching all these stories, I realized that all these people had at least one of three things in common. Not a full set of teeth, exceedingly low I.Q., and/or family members willing to kill for a cut. Like the man who got robbed of $576 thousand in cash-AT A STRIP CLUB! Okay, we know the first question, just how many fucking lap dances did you think you were getting that day, Stiffy McHornbag?

Then there was the tragedy of a guy losing his wife and daughter to overdose. “Geeh, my wife and kid are hooked big time, should I send them to the best rehab? Naaah, I’ll just give them a shitload of cash and things will just work themselves out.” Or remember the guy whose sister-in-law and her ‘boyfriend’ kidnapped and killed him in a botched attempt at a payoff. “We never liked her anyway.”

How about the guy that lost millions in Vegas. Or the guy that “just lost track of the money.” Don’t worry, that one has a happy ending. Obama is working on an economic czar position for that dude.

See the common thread here? Stu-fucking-pidity. It’s just like giving millions to young athletes, or to child stars (also known as the Lohan Effect). It usually doesn’t end well. As I’ve said before, there should be a test before anyone receives large sums of money. If you are too stoopid, you have to hire a business manager who has to report to a court monthly (aka, if you’re a public douche, you need a public fidusch). You would be given an ‘allowance’ commensurate with your past experiences of handling money. Investing and budgeting classes would be mandatory.

If you’re stupid, you will end up with relatives coming out of the woodwork in waves, daily robberies of your home, and small unruly armies camped out in your yard that make Oakland’s Occupy movement seem well organized. And absolutely know when to say ‘NO’. They say that a fool and his money are soon parted. Yeah, like the friggin Red Sea.

I can see it now, the TV interview with the winner. It will be either the old person who will still go to work daily cause it’s wut ah do, or the toothless yahoo with a third grade edumacashun, dressed in his Sunday-go-to-meetin’ clean t shirt, planning to ‘bondo-up the Pinto’ with his extra cash.

I cry every time I see that happen—every time some idiot with long hair and an AC/DC t-shirt gets handed that big fake check and, when asked what he’s going to do with the money, invariably says, “gonna paaaaaaarty!” while holding up the Metal hand sign.

See, in my world the check issuer would snatch it back, right then, and clock him on the head with it and say, “I think not, asshole.”

You do get the ones that tell you they would “give most of it away to charity” and “keep just a little for myself.” Bullshit. On a local TV news show, three regular news people were sitting around the set near the end of the broadcast. One said he would donate “at least half” to some heretofore unknown charity. Another said she would, “Buy my family new houses and put all the kids through college.”

The last one turned to the camera just as the show is coming to an end and with a crooked smile said, “Oh, I will be needing a MUCH bigger garage…”

My thoughts exactly.

The Crank

Church Apologizes for Using Real Nails during Crucifixion Reenactment

Church Apologizes for Using Real Nails during Crucifixion Reenactment

Kingstree, SC—Officially, the First Baptist Church has “no idea” how the foam versions of their nails used to crucify their savior each year were replaced with sharp wooden spikes. Easter Sunday, these spikes were miSTAKEnly used to nail local forklift operator, Gus Franklin, to a large cross at the climax of their holiday mass extravaganza.

“We just hope someday people will find the humor in all of this,” said Father Michael Shenanigans. “I knew we should have gone with the F@^*ing Easter egg hunt.”

Uber-Defrocked Reverend Joseph Tompkins told coroners, “We just thought the Messiah was really getting into the part this year.” However, the holy emissary later admitted to police, “We planned to take him down in a couple of days and put his body in a cave to see what happens. You know, to make the most of this tragedy. Maybe something good could have come from it, like the Rapture or at least a related bake sale.”

On a related note, The First Baptist Church’s ‘One of Our Beloved Forklifters Rose on the 3rd Day’ bake sale has been canceled, pending the investigation of the organizers.

Seattle Five-O: Post ‘em, Zano

The Crank

Dear Mr. Zano, I realize you, just like all politicians, cater to your base. I understand that and almost always fully support it. The problem arises when ‘your base’ refers to six or seven deeply depressed individuals in the rainiest, coldest, wettest, most depressed, most northeast corner of the United States. I also realize one more thing. You do, well, suck.

And just so you know, if you cut out any of this diatribe, you prove my point J. You must have sat back after reading my last post about bad words and said to yourself, “How can I call Crank an asshole without exactly calling him an asshole? I am in fact much smarter than he, and I feel the need to prove it.” The result of that question was your last post. Hundreds of words (yawn) spouting just the same ridiculous Talking Points. If you had done your due diligence you would have realized they were as slanted as a ‘Fox News Readers Poll”. You actually referenced the now widely disgraced “all people who watch Fox are idiots” poll. Now that’s funny, I don’t care who y’aare. You just keep doin wut yer doin, Mik.

You continue to do two things. First, you prove every point I make without realizing it, and you make 26 lefties in Seattle very happy, as they laugh at your “joke” calling me an asshole without actually doing it, therefore proving that they also, well, suck.

What you, in fact, keep saying to me is that I am wrong on most things. I am wrong, why? Because you say I am? Because you’re talking points and polls and charts say I am? If you are right, then you are indeed well, fucked, because a whole shitload of us ‘wrong people’ are about to vastly change back what Obama is trying to change. You fail to understand human nature—odd for someone in your field—and you fail to understand human natures effect on the redistribution of wealth and socialism in general. If all people were like you, we could in fact live like Star Trek, you know, like you left leaners want us to. Problem is, well look at Europe. You cannot have a society that purports to being all things to all peoples when the ‘all peoples’ takes all the ‘free stuff’ and goes to wild lengths to avoid paying for them.

That is why Obama has to incite class warfare; he has to have all the “takers” in his corner, because most of the “payers” will not vote for him. As he loses the “payers”, he loses the one thing his type of government needs the most, money. So therefore you don’t have to be a website owner to realize that his type of government can’t, never has, and never will work. It is, by its very nature, self defeating. With the noted exception of things like defense, interstate transportation, and banking, bigger government has failed all its efforts to prove it has any merit, time and time again. The States and local communities is where the Founders wanted most of the power to be, and that is exactly where it’s heading back to. If you choose to have an idiot for a Mayor (ie Bloomberg), Senator/Representative (ie: Boehner and Reid) or Governor (ie; Moonbeam of California), the rest of us don’t have to deal with it. Or pay for it, as we all will be doing soon in the case of California.

If you really wanted to increase your readership, you would do just what MSNBC and Fox are doing, trying to appeal to a broader base, you know, like my ass…’cause, as goes my ass, also goes America. Oh wait, that was GM. But in reality, you would rather six people agree with you, (ie: Socialism) than ten thousand rednecks. Hey, you get enough hits and you can spend the rest of your life tasting microbrews and gourmet coffees whilst laughing at your own readership (ie, Capitalism). That is called ‘principles’ and I am totally cool with that—but the pay sucks, unless, you get a block grant from Big Government paid for by the Taxpayers to study Microbrews and Gourmet Coffees? Why not write the grant, Mikko? Obama would probably bite

The problem with that? All the rest of us that actually pay taxes will be relocating to Costa Rica. (Costa Rica, the ‘Little Humid Germany’ of Central America). Like Margret Thatcher once said, (in a voice like the late Graham Chapman doing an impression of her) “The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people’s money.”

Cranky

P.S. love the Darth Cheney heart one   

Wiwhtoi (Wish I Would Have Thought Of It)

A Not so Special Comment:

Yeah, if you want to dabble in rebuttals (not recommended), you’re not going to get the last word. Life’s a bitch. What we’ve been suggesting is for you to cover what you want, look into Fast & Furious. I think there’s real meat there. Look into the policies and the politicians you want to investigate, aka, rail and rant on whatever and whoever you want, but the back and forth sucks. This is not about you. It’s about a failing country and the side order of propaganda that brought us here. Fox News is wrong about most things, true story, but I’m attacking the Sean Hannitys of the world, not you. He’s the source, you’re simply the collateral damage.

A few quick points:

  1. I don’t have a base. I agree with D about 6 of 10 issues and R about 1 in 10. I’m not listing my differences with liberals again; all my posts are available here at the Discord. Yet, in three years, you have never identified a single time where you’ve differed from a Fox News talking point. You, sir, clearly have a base and Fox News’ effectiveness is the story. You’ve also never figured out you’re not dealing with a typical liberal. The reason you think I’m attacking you is the fact that you and Fox News share a brain. Media Oblongata? The Right’s philosophy is a laundry list of false assumptions, which I will continue to cover and you will continue to ignore.
  2. Ridiculous talking points? Soooo when we review the budgetary score card for past presidents and it shows the inability of Republican presidents to do anything but spend too much and expand government, that’s a talking point? Umm, that’s history. And when the Congressional Budget Office—the people who spent the money actually say where they spent the money, which turns out to be predominately on Bush’s policies—that’s just a talking point too? What…we blew all the money on hookers? Well, that would explain the latest Secret Service scandal.  

  3. Who the hell is talking about socialism? Your main point against me is always, “You’re a flaming socialist.” I did not support Obamacare, because we’re broke and it’s not the right time. Obamacare would likely keep me employed, yet here’s what I said about it in my last post.

    “The increase in Medicare recipients is the only meat to this entire clusterfuck to facts. I will benefit from this eventuality circa 2014, but it smells like enabling to me and I’m not sure how we can fund the increase in enrollments or even if they’re medically necessary.”

    The rest here:

  4. Where are all of my socialism posts and points? All adult societies find a way to care for their most needy. You call that socialism, I call that responsibility. I bring to the debate meaningful insights, hatched by reviewing whatever facts can be ascertained from this manure pile we call the media. I am “of no party or clique” so I have a tremendous advantage over you, Dr. Regurgitate. As Bill Maher tells us, the Right has created Obama X to run against in 2012. So have fun running against a thought form created by bullshit.

  5. As you say, I’m fucked. True story…as are we all. We were truly nailed to the wall under Bush and we will resume our collective descent under the next asshole Fox elects. For a rehashing of the past, present and future:

    This is my graph from way back when. When things continue to go down precisely on cue, it will be interesting to hear your explanation. Kidding!

  6. And, finally, you keep using that same Margaret Thatcher socialism quote. I promise to keep that in mind if I ever decide to become a socialist. But here’s a quote that’s actually relevant to what’s happening today. Supreme Court Justice, Louis Brandeis, once said, “We can have democracy in this country or we can have great wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we can’t have both.”

At the end of the day, I actually think big government and big corporations both suck and eventually enough people will come to terms with this reality and form a viable third party. Fox News is and will continue the biggest barrier to this eventuality. What’s actually hurting any Obama or .gov investigations is a rightwing media totally off track, incompetent, and disreputable. If you make up nine scandals, I’ll bet you the real one will sneak right on by…and it probably already has.

Fox News

Last and Spurious

Mick Zano

Pope Angers Gotham: Is Batman Working for the Vatican?

Pope Angers Gotham: Is Batman Working for the Vatican?

Vatican City—Commissioner Gordon of Gotham City is “outraged by the audacity of the Pope and his minions.” Initially, the Commissioner was not surprised Batman ignored their city’s cries for help. “We just thought he fell off the Batwagon again,” said Gordon. “He self medicates, you know. The dude has issues. But now we find out he’s responding to problems all the way in Italy?”

The Pope is denying a series of clandestine meetings occurred between his Holiness and the caped crusader. Vatican officials are also denying rumors the Pope had a Bat Phone installed in his chambers. The Vatican released a statement earlier today, calling the rumors “Bat shit crazy” and “His Holiness doesn’t even own a cell phone, let alone a Bat Phone.”

An unnamed whistle-blowing Cardinal told reporters, the Pope believes, “We need to restore the Knights Templar. And who better than the Dark Knight himself to lead our new crusades into the 21st Century?”

“Batman is a vigilante,” said the Pope. “His methods are dubious. We need a beacon of light, not an archetype of darkness.”

When asked about the giant bat signal seen over the Tower of Passetto, the Pope said, “It’s a grail shaped beacon…like in that Monty Python movie. Jesus Christ, would you people drop this shit already?”

The Passetto acts as a secret passage from Italy into the Vatican—the perfect meeting place for the Pope and Batman to hatch their evil plots. If the Vatican is resurrecting the Knights Templar, perhaps they are enlisting the aid of all of our fictional superheroes. If the Pope recruited Aquaman, for instance, he would have armies of undersea creatures at his command! And who’s to say Wonder Woman’s invisible plane isn’t parked outside the Passetto, right now?

Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption

Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption
Mick Zano

This is a rebuttal of some recent discussion by Fox News’s, Dr. Charles Krautwanker (that’s not name calling! There is considerable evidence he wanks his kraut, or is hammered when he…). Anyway, this is a snopes.com version of Dr. Lautyammer’s recent speech (that’s a typo, honest). So in all fairness to Dr. K, the snopeputians may have augmented his rhetoric (aka, they may have added some pink slime filler to the usual USDA prime choice Foxaganda).

Here’s Krauthammer’s main points, my comments marked with a bold and beautiful MZ:

Points 1 and 2 praise President Obama’s political prowess, so we are in agreement.

Krauthammer’s 3rd point: Obama has a ruthless quest for power. He did not come to Washington to make something out of himself but rather to change everything, including dismantling capitalism. He can’t be straight forward on his ambitions, as the public would not go along. He has a heavy hand and wants to level the playing field with income redistribution and punishment to the achievers of society. He would like to model the USA to Great Britain or Canada.

MZ: Ummm, he ran on change, Dr. Truthlittle (…and legend says, children, Dr. Truthlittle could speak to the Garanimals). You’re saying he’s a politician on a “ruthless quest for power.” What a stretch there, Captain Obvious. He’s actually the first worldcentric minded prez. I’ve covered this phenomenon here. So ruthless may prove a poor choice of words, though eerily accurate for the first 43 of his ethnocentric predecessors. Dude…you were, like, sooo close.

As for dismantling capitalism, unfortunately, an overhaul is in order. Isn’t it funny the Right thinks our system is still in pristine condition? Yeah, like the East River pristine. It’s glacier fed, really…well, 10,000 years ago. Capitalism has unfortunately morphed into something called Super Capitalism, which is based on the needs of the sociopathic few. By the way, this happened while you were busy defending every aspect of it, Mr. Groutlicker. Obama has at least identified how when one player suddenly owns all the property, hotels, and houses it’s Maddoffopoly! The free market works sometimes, but to think it works all the time is more of that all-or-none thinking. There are things the private sector does better (hat tip Tea Party) but too often they’re greedy and sociopathic (hat tip Occupy). I really shouldn’t call it all-or-none thinking anymore as that implies thinking is involved, so let’s call it all-or-none regurgitating. Reverse politistalsis? Bullemia? Sorry. I’m still trying to make up for that Gospelrexia Versevosa joke in my last spirituality feature.

Krauthammer’s 4th point: His three main goals are to control ENERGY, PUBLIC EDUCATION and NATIONAL HEALTHCARE by the Federal government. He doesn’t care about the auto or financial services industries but got them as an early bonus. The cap and trade will add costs to everything and stifle growth. Paying for FREE college education is his goal. Most scary is his healthcare program because if you make it FREE and add 46,000,000 people to a Medicare-type single-payer system, the costs will go through the roof. The only way to control costs is with massive RATIONING of services, like in Canada .. God forbid!

MZ: Obama doesn’t care much for the auto industry? Yet he saved it just for chevys and giggles. Did you forget that part again? Damn facts. As for proof of Obama’s overt dismantling of capitalism…well, there isn’t any. And if there is, it’s sooo buried in lies you’d have better luck finding Al Capone’s vault in Snooki’s ass! Oh, I’m being told they just discovered Al Capone’s vault in Snooki’s ass. Bad example.

Why don’t you and your ilk learn how to report on stuff and gain some credibility and then maybe one of your “scandals” will stick. Naaah, keep lying. It will get Obama re-elected, which is better than the alternative. Oh, and those three systems you mentioned are broken…reaaally broken…Greece economy broken (GEB).

FACT ALERT (Fox News viewers read at your own peril):

National Healthcare:

The increase in Medicare recipients is the only meat to this entire clusterfuck to facts. I will benefit from this eventuality circa 2014, but it smells like enabling to me and I’m not sure how we can fund the increase in enrollments or even if they’re medically necessary. On that note, I have approved the collective Republican lobotomy. Sorry, I’m being told the procedure is redundant.

But, hey, a point! This almost never happens. He is an intellect…well, comparatively. But would a Foxeteer ever disagree with something that would cost them money? Why didn’t Foxeteers back Ron Paul before it was fab? Oh, you want answers…they don’t have any.

You know who would vote against their wallets on the Right? Not f-ing one of them and that’s why they’re invariably dangerous. Yeah, I want to join that party…oh wait, they don’t get invited to any. Fiscal conservatives, my ass. 

Energy:

I back Obama’s attempt at sustainable energy. China over funded their own solar plants and killed the Solyndra thing. We can’t give up on these sustainable plans or plants. Your scandal is one of my solyutions. As for Crap and Turd, I would have preferred a gas tax to level the playing field. But whatever it takes. Sooo you haven’t even identified that something needs to be done? Of course not. That would require forethought. The Left has thus far botched the approach to green energies while the Right hasn’t even identified the problem. Thus I give you dumb and dumber. They are special, aren’t they? We either move to what scientists are suggesting or at some point a full collapse is imminent. The choice is clear. And sorry, sustainable energy does not translate into drill baby drill, but, hey, I do like the beached dolphin slalom as much as the next guy. Thanks BP! Sand sushi anyone?  

What we need are new alternative cleaner energies, like Dilithium crystals. Haven’t heard of them? Don’t worry. There’s plenty on Gingrich’s moon base.

Education:

As for education, another fail. For proof, look in the mirror. I’m kidding, there are smart people out there, and they tend to get their news from comedians these days. I think education needs a major transformation, into something meaningful.

I would like to hear Obama’s education proposal. I would like to hear them…as opposed to the Conservative approach, which is defund, defund, defund. Brought to you by the Uneducated for Education!

Back to capitalism for a minute. In its current form, it sucks—your pride and joy is an epic fucking fail. Hey, it worked for a while…like Fukushima. But, as I’ve said all along, I am for repairing it, not dismantling it. You know what’s killing businesses? Trying and failing to insure their own employees, that’s what. If you kill Obamacare and fail to fix our insurance problem, we’re in big trouble. This awful scenario is likely to play out in the future.

Our system rewards sociopaths who refuse to insure their employees. Speaking of which, sociopaths must be identified and weeded out, not endlessly promoted by some greedy faceless board of directors. My take on this phenomenon here. My last two bosses complained about insurance killing them, not whatever the fuck the Right is talking about. Example, Wal-Mart insures 44% of its force, compared to Costco at 96%. And Costco will suffer for its humanity. The one percent rides again! But I do love the one percent’s kitchen store (Hannibal Lechters? It’s better than Buffalo Bill’s Wild Gumbs. OK, I’m going to stop….Silence of the Libs?).

Oh, and Mr. Burns probably doesn’t even insure his flying monkeys…and most of them, as Python tells us, don’t so much fly as plummet. Pining for the fjords?! Where is PETA on this real animal rights menace?

I know you love Wal-Mart, Cranko, so you better get that blue vest ready; you’re going to need it. Insurance sold separately. But don’t worry, who needs insurance when nearly half their jobs pay over minimum wage. What you call good business has been identified by behavioral health professionals as sociopathic. That isn’t good (hint: it’s the opposite of good). We need to start rewarding good behavior in this country. I have an idea, let’s keep the Mexicans and deport the Republicans.

Krauthammer’s 5th point: He [Obama] has surrounded himself with mostly far-left academic types. No one around him has ever even run a candy store. But they are going to try and run the auto, financial, banking and other industries. This obviously can’t work in the long run. Obama is not a socialist; rather he’s a far-left secular progressive bent on nothing short of revolution. He ran as a moderate but will govern from the hard left. Again, watch what he DOES, not what he says.

MZ: Unfortunately, these days the far left translates as slightly left of Reagan. The spectrum has shifted, but not in the way you think. And Mr. Obama’s handling of the candy store has been worlds better than your guy. W made Burton’s Willy Wonka seem stable. Everlasting GOPstoppers?

Oompa loompa doopa dee doo
I have another message for you
Spending and torture isn’t a game
Why must you vote for more of the same.

Do you think Bush and Nixon surrounded themselves with progressives? Usually the best man loses in our general elections. That’s nothing new. Remember Apple V. IBM, Beta V. VHS or Kerry V. Bush? So, don’t worry, there’s hope for Mr. Etch-a-Sketch. Where is the evidence of this revolution?

Krauthammer’s 6th point: Obama doesn’t really see himself as President of the United States but more as a ruler over the world. He sees himself above it all, trying to orchestrate & coordinate various countries and their agendas. He sees moral equivalency in all cultures. His apology tour in Germany and England was a prime example of how he sees America as an imperialist nation that has been arrogant, rather than a great noble nation that has at times made errors. This is the first President, ever , who has chastised our allies and appeased our enemies!

MZ: Actually, he prefers Master of the Universe. Luckily, his handlers refused to go with his first slogan idea: BY THE POWER OF GREY SKULL!!! Dude, he’s worldcentric. Obama has reached an impressive level of human consciousness. Hooray for progress! This is going to seem new and scary for many, but I assure you it’s much less scary than global collapses, torture, and secret police. We have reaped some benefits through his competent foreign policy. It looks like some progress on the checks and balances of the expanded executive branch is occurring under Obama (according to Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Time Weiner in his book FBI). He believes we’re swinging back to Constitutional sanity. Hey, why isn’t he booked on Hannity? Hmmmm.

I do agree it’s time to stop apologizing. Hey, just in time for the next guy we’ll need to start apologizing for! Cool. Why don’t you take your own advice Mr. Krapjammer and watch what Obama does not what he says?

“We are truly and deeply sorry for the inconvenience, Mr. Bin Laden.”

Krauthammer’s 7th point: He is now handing out goodies. He hopes that the bill (and pain) will not come due until after he is re-elected in 2012. He would like to blame all problems on Bush, from the past, and hopefully his successor in the future. He has a huge ego and Dr. Krauthammer believes he is a narcissist.

MZ: He may well be a narcissist. I’m not sure on this one, in which case he’s not truly worldcentric, but just posing as such. This one is a jump ball. Jesus, that’s two possible points in one lecture?! That’s equal to six months of Fox News viewing. But thus far the only evidence for Obama’s narcissism is the typical ‘I want to be president’ brand, not unlike Gingrich, Santorum, Romney, or anyone else who’s sought office for the last two centuries. As for blaming it on Bush, let’s do that pesky math again: five of the top six policies that cost us all of our treasure in the last decade are Bush’s. So, I guess to be fair, he’s only 5/6 of our policy problem. But, hey, that 1/6 is Obama’s attempt to avoid a depression. Socialist!

Krauthammer’s 8th point: Republicans are in the wilderness for a while but will emerge strong. Republicans are pining for another Reagan but there will never be another like him. Krauthammer believes Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty & Bobby Jindahl (except for his terrible speech in February) are the future of the party. Newt Gingrich is brilliant but has baggage. Sarah Palin is sincere and intelligent but needs to really be seriously boning up on facts and info if she is to be a serious candidate in the future. We need to return to the party of lower taxes, smaller government, personal responsibility, strong national defense and State’s Rights.

MZ: Deep in the wilderness? Dude, if they go any further into Mirkwood, I don’t think all the ents in entville could find them. Of course, I don’t think they’d even help you look. Another Reagan will not surface from this radical swamp. He would immediately be labeled a moderate and shunned by your batshit base. Reagan wasn’t really good for the economy. You’re just glossing up a turd. He raised taxes more than I would have liked and ran up the deficit way too much (not to mention secretly arming our soon to be enemies), so maybe he was too left of Obama? Foxeteers have moved so far to the Right, Cheney is starting to look like a Care Bear (the one with the rainbow coming out of his ass). The rest of us have only moved somewhat left out of pure disgust. In fact, I have moved further left after each and every news cycle as I recoil from this sickly Foxeteerian philosophy. Sigh-ilism? Wait, I got it, Transcend Mentalism? I’m going to work on that one.

As for your comment “Sarah Palin is sincere and intelligent”… Sir, please hand in your intellectual badge; it’s been revoked. She makes the angry petty cheerleaders I knew in the 7th grade seem like…er, the Governor of Alaska.

Krauthammer’s 9th point: The current level of spending is irresponsible and outrageous. We are spending trillions of dollars we don’t have. This could lead to hyperinflation, depression or worse. No country has ever spent themselves into prosperity. The media is giving Obama, Reid and Pelosi a pass because they love their agenda. But eventually the bill will come due and people will realize the huge bailouts didn’t work, nor will the stimulus package. These were trillion-dollar payoffs to Obama’s allies, unions and the Congress to placate the left, so he can get support for #4 above.

MZ: It’s true. We need to undo all of Bush’s policies, right now. I can’t think of any that will prove sustainable. Obama has ended the war in Iraq (one down) and hopefully he will end the war in Afghanistan soon (a 2nd coming soon). He cannot end the Bush tax cuts, no Child Left Behind, or the unfunded Medicare D drug supplemental program (not with a developmentally disabled Congress and Grover named-after-a-Muppet Norquist). The Dems would need both houses and the presidency to overturn the Bush laws. I generally prefer a split government, but if the center of gravity for the right remains where it is, as Horace Greely once said, GO LEFT, YOUNG MAN! I still want a viable third choice more than anything, but like that’s going to happen as both sides grow more radical.

Krauthammer’s 10th point: election was over in mid-September when Lehman brothers failed, fear and panic swept in, we had an unpopular President, and the war was grinding on indefinitely without a clear outcome. The people are in pain and the mantra of change caused people to act emotionally. Any Dem would have won this election; it was surprising it was as close as it was.

MZ: I agree. Meanwhile, I predicted we would not see another two term president for a long time as we swing wildly back and forth between R and D (and that’s not Research or Development) as our economy quakes. Or, as Fox News calls it, “the foundations of the economy are sound.” The Republicans should win in 2012, but they may prove way too incompetent for most independents. But I’m not holding my breath. Actually I am; they gutted a lot of EPA regs in my town. Cough.

Krauthammer’s 11th point: In 2012, if the unemployment rate is over 10%, Republicans will be swept back into power. If it’s under 8%, the Dems continue to roll. If it’s between 8-10%, it will be a dogfight. It will all be about the economy. I hope this gets you really thinking about what’s happening in Washington and Congress. There is a left-wing revolution going on, according to Krauthammer, and he encourages us to keep the faith and join the loyal resistance. The work will be hard but we’re right on most issues and can reclaim our country before it’s far too late.

MZ: I am happily a member of the loyal opposition. There really are differences between how D and R approach fixing our country. But what’s most appalling to me is how little the Right understands about how we got here. Pre our collapse, every graph known to man showed the Dems as the better budget balancers, yet the Right is running on fiscal conservatism? Still? In 2012? Their attempt at a third party, the Tea Party, is rightly a laughingstock. They have become the lackeys to the Hannitys of the world, so good riddance. There’s very little of the Conservative vision worth fighting for at this point. If this is the best you have, if this is your “intellectual” champion…umm, you just got beat by a comic spoof news blogger. You know, the usual.

Okay I didn’t ace the whole ‘no name calling thing.’ Let’s call it a work in progress.

Man Ends 39 Day “Moon Vigil” for Google Street View

Man Ends 39 Day "Moon Vigil" for Google Street View

New Paltz, NY—Jackson Nellis has remained bent over in his yard with his pants down for the better part of six weeks, awaiting the coveted passing of the Google Street View vehicle.

“I don’t understand it,” said Nellis. “They were supposed to be in my neighborhood last month. Is it too much to ask for a man, who lives on a fucking road in the very fucking neighborhood that Google is supposed to be mapping out, to get his fucking picture taken?!”

Mr. Nellis reports his neighborhood was very new the last time Google mapped the area. “The last update of my street still has my neighbor’s monstrosity of a fucking boat in the front lawn. But I had the home owners’ association deal with, Captain A-hole, and the rest of Gilligan’s junk yard.”

When asked why Mr. Nellis thought it was so important to capture his ass on Google Street View, he said, “Kids have the ice cream truck and I don’t like ice cream. Look, did anyone ask Criss Angel why he painted shit on the ceiling of that Italian fucking church? Did anyone ask Albert Einstein why he invented the atom? I don’t fucking think so.”

When explained how Google Street View edits out all inappropriate images before posting, Mr. Nellis let forth a string of expletives not heard since paragraph two.

America’s Newest Trend: Anti-life Coaching

Alex Bone

Life Coaching has remained a fast-growing offshoot of the counseling field for years now. One clear advantage, you don’t need all of those pesky “credentials.” Life Coaches help people reach for their true goals while taking their money so they have less capital to do so. Life Coaching affirmations include, ‘Reach for your full potential’ and ‘I’m so special, I deserve to do whatever I want and to hell with the rest of you.’

Here, in the land of perpetual progressive positive support (PPPS), everyone gets a trophy. It’s like that Minnesota Senator said when he was just a comedian, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people voted for me.”

However, just as the Life Coaching craze is reaching new heights, a new type of coaching is hitting the scene, the Anti-Life Coach. With the damage done and a Nation whittling itself away through the endless enabling of entitled assholes, isn’t it time to reverse the tide?

We at the Discord tracked down one of these new pioneers, William Lynn, and he was more than happy to fill us in.

“Life Coaching builds people up, how stupid is that? Like Americans have any problems with positive self esteem, please. Have you seen the kids these days? They want cell phones at age six and it had better be a smart phone or some parent will have enough laxative poured into their drink to make a hippo crap an elephant,” said Lynn. “I think it’s far more vital to explain to people why they suck and aren’t really all that important.”

Lynn’s books include Aren’t We All Just a Bunch of Money Grubbing Sheep? and  We’re All Going to be Dead Soon Anyway, so Get the Fuck Over Yourselves.

When I asked if Mr. Lynn was familiar with the Discord’s Ghetto Shaman, he said, “He epitomizes our movement. He understands on a level I don’t even understand. He’s somehow tapping into our collective fuckupitude,” said Lynn.

When asked how often his services were being used, he laughed in my face and called me a broke loser before continuing. “There aren’t enough hours in the week to shoot down all the pompous a-holes out there, but to ignore your question; most of my clients are teens. Teenagers are well known for their ‘know everything’ attitude and their undeserved feelings of entitlement. Some parents will pay a fortune for me to take their brats down a couple of notches. Sometimes I even get a bonus if they leave my office in tears. Awwwe, you want a lollypop? You are a fucking lollypop, you barely employable, high school dropout shit head! Get used to dumpster diving for your lollypops, bitch.”

Others are less fond of this new school of coaching. Dr. Moonmurmur Freecloud had this to say: “Lynn’s idea that Americans need to be brought down instead of up is ridiculous. Just because most Americans are shamelessly spoiled, does not mean they don’t have feelings. Why just the other day, my Mercedes was in the shop and I was forced to drive our Cadillac SUV to the office, how embarrassing. I thought I’d never recover. My therapist heard an earful over that one. Oh could you excuse me, the heiress Cullenta is here and I need to help her come to grips with her vacation home conundrum.”

Delving deeper into this new Anti-Life trend helped me discover a laundry list of ‘issues’ Anti-Life Coaching claims to be able to help one overcome. This list includes: Thinking you are always right, Grandiosity, Being happy, Positive self-esteem, Entitlement, Lack of self-loathing, Chronic lack of self-loathing, Feeling better than others, Not wanting to kill yourself, Failure to self criticize, Not over-analyzing your every move, Unrealistic goals, Positive Body Image, and Thinking you could still be a rock star, artist, sports hero, author, or spoof news journalist.

Lynn summed it up thusly. “We’re just giving you a reality check. Face it, in the grand scheme of things most of us are just boring losers. America tried to drill it into our heads that we are special and bound for great things and glory, but most are likely to veg in front of the TV all day in a messy room that you’re just too lazy to clean.”

Then Lynn started to insult me, claiming that he had read my work and stated I was way too full of myself. I told him he was obviously an imbecile for not recognizing my genius and then punched him in the ear. In the ensuing battle, he kept criticizing my fighting techniques, which just made me punch him harder. One of his lackeys called the police and I’m writing this article from the jail library. Winslow is refusing to bail me out, again. He thinks I need some humility too and is thinking about hiring an Anti-life coach for me. It figures.