Arlington, VA—The new garbage container designs have all but ended many years of wastepaper basketball. Will this sport follow the fate of kick the can, or spin the can, or ring around the spinning can? At its peak, the popular sport was played in one form or another by an estimated 75-million people across the U.S. By 2010, to the chagrin of an elite group of home hoopsters, all kitchen garbage cans came with lids.

Wastebasket ball great, Barry Mellman, said, “I would shoot waste baskets to make the cleaning more fun. With the new pale I tried putting a large rock on the lever to keep it open, but my wife broke her toe on the fucking thing. Besides, you never get a true bank shot off those circular contraptions.”

“I cried the day the lidless ones died,” said Hall of Fumer, Ron Fratelli. “I even own an official garbage basketball hoop. So last week I make this great shot with an overripe tomato. It, of course, ends up through the hoop but on the lid—with mucho tomato shrapnel on the wall. My wife asked if it was a mob hit. Women just don’t appreciate the wasteular arts.”

Garbage container manufacturers claim the newer models are more hygienic and significantly cut down on odor.

Oscar the Grouch added, “You mean they keep odors in, right?”