And rightly so.
Mick Zano
Mick Zano
Gulf Region Issues Restraining Order Against Hurricane Harvey
by Mick Zano •
Cameron, LA—Hurricane Harvey is back in the news today and stirring up trouble along the Gulf Coast of the United States. The state of Louisiana is attempting to reassure its residence the storm will be court-ordered to stay at least a 1,000 feet away from land. When asked about the return of the tropical depression, Cameron resident Pam Hearse said, “I don’t care if he is depressed, this is no way to act. Oh, and I hate it when a guy cries during a breakup. But this guy, holy shit?! We’re going to need an ark and two of every swamp critter.”
Dalai Lama Stands By His Comments That Sitting U.S. President Is A “Mega-Douchebag”
by Mick Zano •
Great Again! Trump Creates Over 2K New Jobs In The Tear Gas And Crowd Control Equipment Industries
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—The President was all smiles today after reviewing some of the latest job report numbers. Since President Trump’s election tear gas manufacturing jobs have nearly tripled and the stock market is showing a solid bump in the demand for Kevlar, a high tensile-strength polymer designed to protect a militarized police-force from the growing hipster menace. The demand for police shields, batons, and other riot control gear has also spiked in a way not seen since the Great Vampire Culling of Jersey City. Donald Trump told the press, “The fake media won’t be covering this, but it’s great news for real American fascists. Great news! I’m not even going to mention how high Tiki Torch sales have skyrocketed in recent weeks, but it’s up bigly.” #Klu-Klux-Cha-Ching
Man Makes 350 Mile Mecca From Louisiana To Flooded Area Of Houston With Restored Katrina Bus
by Mick Zano •
Houston, TX—At the onset of Hurricane Harvey, Katrina-survivor and crazy person Jake “Jakey” Thompson drove his refurbished school bus all the way from his home in New Orleans’ Lower Ninth Ward to a heavily flooded area of downtown Houston. Upon arriving in the metro area, Thompson careened wildly through some flooded streets before attempting what witnesses are calling a ‘wet bus doughnut.’ Eventually the bus stalled in several feet of water, in a handicap zone. Emergency personnel were able to rescue Mr. Thompson, but upon hearing of his adventure, in painstaking detail, they resolved to drop him back off on the roof of his bus with some bottled water and a half-eaten granola bar.
Installation Of Third Floor Zipline Aims To Make Ending White House Career Easier, Funner
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Members of President Trump’s White House are not enjoying themselves and this is becoming even more apparent when it’s their turn on the old chopping block. Whether staffers leave voluntarily or are forced out, parting Team Trump is such sweet sorrow …well, except the sweet part. This is why Chief of Staff General John Kelly was determined to make leaving the premises quicker and more enjoyable for all involved. He opted to install a zipline that spans 1,287 feet and leads from the Truman Balcony all the way to an open sewer grate on 17th Street.
The Truthiness Is Out There
by Mick Zano •
Much Like A Cuff And Ropeless S&M Club, Republican Ignorance Knows No Bounds
by Mick Zano •
Many have asked, why do Republicans consistently vote against their own interests? CNN’s Fareed Zakaria just did a special on Why Trump Won, yet he only made a passing reference to the real culprit, namely, our tailored and targeted media. In 2017 the rightwing ‘Bubble’ can now subsist on little to no factual sustenance whatsoever. It’s like when marine biologists first discovered colonies of sea life leaching off volcanic vents, far away from the light. Thermal rants? Instead of seeking the consensus in a given field of knowledge, our conservative friends seem content to forever find that one rogue professional who supports their crapola. You know, that one dentist in ten who thinks brushing your teeth is bad for oral hygiene. Book that guy on Hannity and then watch the ensuing Breitfart headline: Pro-Cavity Dentist Destroys Lib Dental Hygienist!
Small Torch Lit Ceremony Held For Bannon’s White House Sewer Departure
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—A small gathering assembled outside the White House today to say farewell to Steve Bannon, the president’s chief-misogynist. Mr. Bannon used the executive sewer system, created by former Vice President Dick Cheney, to return to his subterranean headquarters at Breitbart.com. Upon his departure, Bannon told the Discord, “I realize the White House has 35 bathrooms, but where I’m from you can piss wherever you want. And you can’t put a dollar sign on that, unless you spray paint one on the wall. Or you can always throw up a swastika or two, or just throw up. Heck, whatever you want to do down here in the sewer is alt-right with me, hah! Whatever happens in the sewer stays in the sewer. No one will ever know, well, besides the rest of Trump’s cabinet, who should be joining me shortly.”
Virtual Shark Speaks Out for First Time After Phelps-Shark Race Debacle
by Mick Zano •
Vinny the virtual Shark starred in last month’s Shark Week along with Olympian Michael Phelps. Vinny agreed to an exclusive Discord interview to express his frustration with the controversy surrounding his appearance. Many viewers were upset the race was not, as billed, between Michael Phelps and a real shark. In a voice not unlike Stephen Hawking, Vinny said, “Why would people think a non-virtual shark would swim in a straight line to race a human, while ignoring said food source? I know you’re not marine biologists, but you’re not morons either …or are you?”