The Republican Scandal Identifier Kit

Mick Zano

As usual the GOP needs a little help identifying scandals. Their latest feigned outrage involves Obama’s drone program. Republicans turning against the drone program is kind of like…well, picture Jacque Cousteau dropping dynamite into a lake just to watch all the fish float.

I’d like to say I’m happy they finally identified this very real civil rights problem, but naaaah. They’re simply against all things Obama, never mind the fact their precious Patriot Act is the real culprit here. My precioussss. But let’s give Rand Paul some credit. He’s playing the libertarian card well with his recent protest, but one week earlier the majority of the GOP blessed the drone program. What the Pauls understand, but the rest of the GOP doesn’t, is the Patriot Act is at the heart of the problem.

In 2003 ninety percent of the GOP backed the Patriot Act. Yeah, they built that shit; they supported that shit; they loved that shit long time…um, until the black guy said, “Hey, what’s this? Can I play?”

Fast forward to today and each and every game Obama is making a number of three pointers on Al-Qaeda’s leadership. But in Bush’s defense, he did hit a foul shot once…oh, sorry, I’m being told that was an orphanage.

When Habeas corpus was indefinitely suspended in 2003, I remember yelling really loud. Yet no GOPers said a word….er, except Rand’s dad, Ron Paul. And I applauded him at the time too. But once you give up the right to an attorney and to due process Cheney’s secret prisons, secret police, enhanced interrogation techniques, and yes drone strikes anywhere on anyone becomes possible. Most of the Bill of Rights from that point forward became null and void.

Mem-mories…of that time you screwed the pooch.

Will Republicans have any meaningful revelations before their Revelations? Hey, I have an idea. Why not take off all your clothes and climb into a time bubble and go back to about 2002 and say to your younger selves, “Come with me if you want to vote!”

That’s why you never give that shit up in the first place. Under Bush’s Patriot Act, if you were deemed an enemy combatant or just darn unfriendly to our government, umm, you’re gone—moderate-Republican-type gone. Speaking of which, you know who’s hostile to the government? Ninety percent of all Republicans. Mr. Obama, I believe you know what to do.

As for what the GOP fears, whatev. They have the insight of a water chestnut after it’s been turned into a Panda Express entrée. I’ll have the orange chicken hawk, please.  Look, when Ron Paul was bitching about this shit, the Right called him a kook. I remember this period and they apparently don’t, or as I like to call it…the usual. So it was constitutional then but it’s unconstitutional now because it’s being utilized effectively? Republicana remains completely devoid of any logical threads whatsoever, in fact, somewhere Socrates is ordering a double hemlock.

A reader recently commented on the subject:

“If this was going on with a republican in office you would be screaming that we are turning into a fascist state and Hitler was reborn, but there isn’t a peep out of you.”

Peep Alert:

2003 there were three people in the nation bitching about the Patriot Act, yours truly, Ron Paul and Russ F’n Feingold. And Russ never returned any of my sexts (probably because they didn’t exist yet).

I predicted no one, D or R, would ever restore the rule of law (2003), and mentioned it several times on The Discord (one here).

Then three weeks ago—just before Rand Paul’s last, er, rand—I said:

“And the one major thing going astray on his (Obama’s) watch, in this case drone strikes, they can’t even recognize as a problem.”

—Mick Zano (article from way back in February 2013 here).

So this is immediately translated as, why don’t you get it? The main hint that I get it is the fact the Foxeteers don’t think I get it. Get it? Works every time.

Then the reader goes on to ask why I haven’t “prepared myself for the collapse of the country.” (Flashback alert.) Actually, knowing shit about stuff has afforded me many more years of paranoia with which to hoard and gather beer and…er…well, see “beer hoarding”.

Look, I am happy the GOP is not speaking in one voice anymore, but now they need to stop listening to the other one in their heads. I know you all despise the government, but you can block out their signals with a simple aluminum foil hat. I would prefer to focus on our biggest problem, the GOP. Almost every major disaster at home or abroad can be linked to them. Case in point, Dictionary.com has added a picture of our 113th Congress after the word dysfunctional.

Check out my article from 2009 Why I’m Planning to Stay in the U.S. and Resolved to Eat bugs. Bugs are an excellent source of protein and it really helps if, while you pop them in your mouth, you talk like Renfield. If that fails try some garlic and butter.

Wow, I reread that article and it contained some of my harshest criticism of Obama to date. Maybe I have given up on the whole rule of law returning thing, maybe I have drank the liberal Kool-Aid? Sure I predicted this, but why roll over and play Dem? Why? …well, because it’s better than the GOP’s Kool-Aid. That shit makes Jonestown’s taste like a bottle of Château Guiraud. At least some of the Dems policies and approaches have made sense to me over the years, which incidentally beats a resounding “never” from across the aisle, or as I put it last week:

“I’m sick of reaching across the aisle and then hearing a clown horn.”

—Mick Zano

That’s been my main point—having one party that never seems to make sense, regardless of the issue, isn’t working out horribly well. And if you look at the Dem’s missteps over the last fifteen years, we would still have a country. Add the Republican missteps to the mix and…

“So long and thanks for all the Fox.”

—Douglas Adams

The most recent Obama scandal is Woodward-gate (hey, that’s funny). Back in the day I had a modicum of respect for Bob Woodward. When he came out with his shitty book Bush at War I let it slide, but now you’re siding with those on an almost unprecedented wrongness streak? Geeh, I wonder how this one will turn out for you, Bob? I’m going to go out on a limb here…badly. Here’s the quote at the heart of the Woodward bullying controversy:

“I know you may not believe this, but as a friend, I think you will regret staking out that claim.”

And regret you will, sir. I’d wager most of the Foxeteers never heard the actual quote. I’ve been listening for it but real news on Fox is strangely elusive, like The Ghetto Shaman on urinalysis day.

Of course to the Foxeteers the actual quote is a “talking point” as they suffer from an advanced stage of afactophobia. There it is! A fact is scrolling across the marquee! AhHHhhhh! Squish it! Squish it!

I haven’t heard the whole Woodward quote on Fox News and I was listening for it. I only heard the bullshit extrapolation, over and over again. Who knows? Maybe Woodward did feel threatened, but if you offer the above quote as your only evidence…umm, Bob, you might be a Foxeteer.  Face it, you liked the access and the cash and to keep it you eventually traded in your soul. You went from uber-journalist, to journalist, to pseudo-journalist, to Fox News Contributor.

Bernstein? Has anyone seen Carl Bernstein?…Beullerstein? Beullerstein?

But even after Woodward looked bad on this one, the damage was already done. Fox News doesn’t do retractions, so they made their political hay over the last couple of weeks and once the truth surfaces, no problem…they’re already focused on their next baseless claim. It’s what they do. In fact, it’s all they do.

Even When Comedians Catch Us Lying
We Don’t Do Retractions

I don’t think the GOP would be able to identify a proper scandal if it water boarded them and invaded the wrong country.  Oh, and for those political masochists among you I went in depth into all the old Obama “scandals” here.

Our biggest problem is not the deficit, it’s our Congress. Frum gets it:

“We hear good news about the U.S. economy every day: housing recovering, household deleveraging, etc. etc. The biggest threat to US prosperity, however, is distinctly Italian-style: the political dysfunction that brings us unnecessary fiscal crisis after unnecessary fiscal crisis.”

—David (soon to be ejected from the tent) Frum

Sure, let’s sequester. The Republicans have always championed the most irresponsible cuts and the most reckless path. For some reason I have also remained somewhat fixated on the GOP’s straw man argument as a sub-theme, which is roughly:

“If only someone wonderful would emerge to represent us!”

The Republican National Committee Chair, Reince Priebus, just said the GOP has an image problem, is all (as covered by Slate). Dude? How do you polish a turd? Look, if David Frum—one of the last of a dying breed of sane Republicans—had some kind of momentum I’d say there was hope, but he doesn’t. What none of them seem to understand is smart/articulate/and the words conservative values are no longer meaningful. Peeps are fleeing your tent faster than Chris Christie from a NYC convenience store. Drop the Big Gulp, sir!

Speaking of Christie, he has an almost unheard of 73% approval rating in Joisey. He is the perfect man to sell the GOP message. Now all they have to do is find one.  Oh, but he’s essentially been kicked out of the party too, so why are you still talking about Republican reform, guys? You’re getting C-fudge-PAC’d. Try something that might reach more people, like a Starbuck’s stich & bitch. You need to start something, in the immortal words of Monty Python, completely different.

Republicanism today stands for greed, ignorance, and an unswerving ability to conform to the prevailing prejudices. Who’s going to champion those causes? Oh, right, no one who could win a general election.

Marco Rubio can not save the GOP. Only a double dip recession will allow a Republican anywhere near the White House and by then this country will be tits up. When there’s no merit or substance at the root of any Republican cause, it means Rubio is facing a Herculean task. He would have better luck wresting that giant squid or cleaning up those stables. Jerkulese? If you want to attract insightful people to your party, invite Christie to the next CPAC and dump Palin.

Scandals: why they can’t identify any.

What I fear:

A. Terrible things that have already happened: (The Patriot Act, Citizen’s United, Torture, unnecessary wars, complete government dysfunction, the Great Recession.) I warned about all of these while they were happening, or prior to, but I admit I was thinking “depression” for that last one. So kudos, Mr. Obama.

B. Terrible things that are likely to happen: (climate change, continued mass extinctions, our inability to go transition to green energy, our government’s right to fill our skies with drones, Bush’s expansion of power will never be overturned, more Tea Party-style bond downgrades, an austerity only approach to our economy which will cause a double-dip recession, our increasing disparity of wealth will lead to revolution, and the release of future Twilight movies.)

What The GOP fears:

A. Things that will never happen: (The 2nd Amendment is ending! Death Panels! Communism! Obama’s ties to the Muslim Brotherhood! Obama’s going to do away with term limits and rule us forever!)

B. Things that have already happened but who flippin’ cares? (Our demographics are changing! A Bush/Cheney style gun running program got someone killed! Obama’s wasting money on solar energy! Benghazi is a dangerous place! Faggots are teaching our children about tolerance! Colleges are making our kids liberals and smart and stuff! More people might be insured soon! AhHhhhhh!)

Get a grip…

The only thing the GOP has a point about is high deficits…er, created primarily by the GOP. Hey, and lest we forget, machines now do more of our work, yet we work longer, union-less hours further into our life spans for less money. Hooray Republicans! What do you do for your next trick?

Meanwhile, every second, the real money goes to fewer and fewer people. That’s actually happening, under D or R. So I want all the Foxeteers to look at the DOW, look at our increasing disparity of wealth numbers, and then look up the word socialism. Now smack yourselves in the back of the head.

A word on our 2nd amendment rights:

If you are not seriously mentally ill, or you haven’t shot anyone randomly in the face (Bush/Cheney joke omitted) you will always be allowed to carry a gun in this country…it may not be a bazooka, but if you all start bitching about enforcing background checks, I’m going to be forced to tell that joke.

Oh, and as for the bigger fish currently frying:

>

chartclimate

Someone with a high school level understanding of science should be able to look at this chart which covers the last 11,000 years on our planet—or the one I posted here about total peer reviewed studies on the subject—and immediately go, “Oh, guess I’ve been wrong about this one.” But they can’t…and that’s the story. This one is a tad important. For something that isn’t important, turn on Fox News.

Even if you’ve never seen these charts or understand them, the fabled Northwest Passage is now navigable for the first time in recorded history and sea levels are clearly rising. So even if you don’t believe science, do you believe your own eyes? Or, more importantly:

“Do you believe in life after Fox?”

—Cher

Yet the GOP remains impervious to reality. Humanity faces many issues, the ending of the 2nd Amendment in the USA is not one of them. If a decade from now the Earth gets 10 degrees hotter, one group would be saying, “It’s because we let faggots marry.” And don’t worry, I guarantee you—guarantee you—you will still own a gun with which you can shoot your face off before you starve or melt.

“From my warm, wrong hands”

—Wayne LaPierre

Dear GOP,

For the good of—not only this country but for mankind—disband.

Sincerely,

Earth

The GOP is always ALWAYS years behind on any given subject. Trust me on this, no one is going to reign in Obama until the freak show dies. They are a useless distraction at this point, like Congressional sessions and car blinkers.

People ask me why I keep covering the Right and not the Left. Well, one side has some journalistic integrity, the other has none. One side addresses some real problems, the other side either doesn’t or makes shit up. Even yours truly, a spoof news blogger, was reigning in Keith Olbermann years ago for his Hannityesque antics, here—as were many others on the left—and now he can’t get a job. Meanwhile his counterpart on Fox, Sean Hannnity, is king. And many key Dems are starting to question drone oversight here. I’m not saying they’re doing a great job but there is clearly limits to their madness and least some connections can be drawn to their policies and to something I like to call reality.

Yet no one on the Right can ever seem to reign in the Breitbarts of the world, except God I guess. Speaking of which, God can kill anyone abroad or on American soil without any oversight whatsoever.  Why do Republicans insist on defending this fascist’s deity’s behavior? Isn’t it time we identified our real enemy? God.

Due to their confounding rigidity of thought, the GOP has become an inept group of zealots almost completely devoid of merit. They remain a disgrace.

Or as Andrew Sullivan put it:

“No entity in our polity right now is more radical and revolutionary than the current GOP: their contempt for institutional custom knows few bounds when it comes to the short-term tactical possibility of impeding even a newly re-elected president, after losing the popular vote for the presidency, Senate and House.”

Andrew Sullivan

The Foxeteers, the Fighting 26%, continue to ignore science, historians, and scholars and, more importantly, Mick Zano.  Good luck with that. But before I sign off I would like to take the time to thank the Republican Party…er, for not listening to me over the years. The entire GOP has dropped to a 26% approval rating. I think if every GOPer meditated once a day and read David Frum or Andrew Sullivan, for at least fifteen minutes, we could have rational conversations with them again. I know I give my friends on the right side of the aisle a hard time, but thankfully some of them seem to be drifting toward a “pox on both your houses” stance, which is a far more respectable position. Know hope.

“Obscure metaphysical explanation to cover their sick ideology and failed economic policies, reasons Drudged out of the shadows to explain away that which cannot be explained. Call it a parallel political plane or just insanity. Whatever it is, you can find it in the TwiRight Zone.”

—Rod Serling

(Not doctored in any way)

(Honest)

(Well, maybe a smidge)

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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