Bloomington, MN—In a failed attempt to repopulate an endangered member of the canis lupus species, environmental ecologist Ian Green is “deeply sorry” for the death toll and related injuries. Those responsible are calling this incident an “unfortunate oversight”. After the release of 17-timber wolves into the largest mall in the United States the mayhem that ensued can only be described as chaos, as Thesaurus.com just crashed.
“The food court is a train wreck, but the YouTube video of one of the wolves trying to scale the escalator is worth all the carnage,” said one YouWitness.
“The ‘during business hours’ part turned out to be a real issue,” said one guard, “You see, we don’t even carry Tasers. We are issued Taser holsters, of course, which acts as a deterrent in certain situations. But this seemed to have no effect on the pack as they devoured our patrons.”
The head of mall security added, “The majority of our personnel have attended Taser school, but only a handful received diplomas, or completed the required coursework, or passed our drug screen. Many feel an online Taser school degree has yet to really generate the kind of Taser competency we expect here at the Mall of America, yet my men responded well, especially the dead ones.”