Are We Better Off Than We Were Four Years Ago?

Mick Zano

Umm, let me think (cue squiggly flashback sequence): I had just lost everything in the stock market, I was doctor shopping for benzodiazepines, and after I drank myself to sleep each night with a bucket of vodka, I prayed to the God Yig that Bush wouldn’t start a land war in Iran. Umm, yeah, I’m thinking a tad better. Now I’m in therapy instead of abusing valium and I’m almost completely off the vodka…er, well, I do occasionally chug hand sanitizer when my sponsor isn’t looking.

Okay, most of that is bullshit, but you get the idea. More importantly, are we better off than we were four beers ago? I think I am. A few more and I might even start understanding the GOP platform. If Romney loses, Fox News is in real trouble. But will a second term be enough to burst their bubble? Damian Thompson over in England recently asked, “Remind me again, how did the GOP end up with this idiot as their candidate?” Well, there in hangs a post. I started talking about this phenomenon a long time ago in a Discord article far, far away. It’s a story that involves a broken party, one almost completely devoid of what the rest of us would call rationality.

“Romney was the best they had. The very best. Let that sink in for a bit.”

—Kevin Drum

Not everything is takers vs. makers or Tea Party vs. Occupy, or Twilight vs. Star Trek….umm, well, that last one’s true. But there is such a thing as compromise, such a thing as overlap, such a thing as a Venn diagram (although Romney has not mastered this yet). Most of life involves ratios and grey areas and complex situations like the Middle East, or Robert Ludlum novels, or surprise parole officer visits. Our Commander-In-Chief will need more choices in his or her arsenal than bomb or don’t bomb. Can you say Stuxnet? Cheney couldn’t. His friends were military contractors, not computer programmers.

Hopefully Romney will be toast after the debates…and he will remain toast, Matt Drudge, no matter how many BS headlines your site links to. The GOP has been attempting to create a post-truth world, but groups are finally fighting back. For instance, the Union of Concerned Scientists, kind of like the Justice League with lab coats, published a study showing 93% of the information on Fox News regarding Climate Change is crap. But, in Fox’s defense, I think it’s only about 90% crap for their other topics. I want to take back the truth, so adults can discuss issues again—not hurl ideological drivel at one another. The choice between a slow recovery under Obama, or an utter collapse under Romney, is yours.

If Romney wins, the Right will continue their Rovian version of reality, minus any ideas, any understanding of history, or any coherent thoughts whatsoever. Don’t we have enough of that on the Discord? But, if Obama is re-elected, two cool things are going to happen:

1.) Someone with a clue will remain in the White House (as opposed to Botman and Robem’. Holy 47%, Botman!…to the bat shit poll!)

2.) A new Conservative cable news station will emerge, hopefully based on some semblance of facts and journalistic integrity.

Of course, Dems need to hold onto the Senate and the Presidency. If that happens, another less evil Rupert Murdoch might seize this opportunity to create a viable conservative media alternative. Could there finally be a Right at the end of the tunnel?

Fox News isn’t going away any time soon, but if a Conservative reform movement occurs it has huge implications for ‘Merica. We might even be able to retrieve that A. After Ted Koppel dissed Fox News in a recent interview, Bill O’Reilly defended his record by saying he still thinks he’s doing something “noble”. Really? Noble? We are more divided and polarized as a group than any other time since 1879! Fox News is about the most culpable player in this disturbing trend. A very noble accomplishment, Bill’O, but dividing us is also radical Islam’s plan. So they must be noble too, Allah Akbar (no relation to Admiral Ackbar).

The GOP still has a clear advantage because the evil geniuses of the world are funding the shit out of each race and spin every story like Lindsay Lohan performing Ice Capades. If Romney becomes President, which is increasingly less likely, all bets are off. The more this man talks, the more obvious it becomes just how dangerously incompetent he is. He’s the candidate Karl Rove built, so how could he be otherwise?

I reached my own conclusions about Romney. I remember him trying to be the GOP’s choice in 2008. I figured, even then, he would be next. He’s possibly the only Republican who showed not the beginning of an inkling of any insight whatsoever regarding the debacle that was the Bush Administration. John McCain came out against torture, Ron Paul was against Republican spending and imperialism, even Mike evangelical Huckabee openly criticized the Bush Administration. “This administration’s bunker mentality has been counterproductive both at home and abroad.”

Romney never saw any fault in arguably the worst administration in history, which is stunning. How will his administration differ from Bush’s? Inquiring minds want to know…

“One day, a Republican presidential candidate will exorcise Bush’s ghost. But most likely, he or she will do so by bluntly telling Americans where Bush’s presidency went wrong, and how their presidency will be different. Until that happens, George W. Bush will be present at every Republican and Democratic convention for years to come, whether anyone invites him or not.”

Peter Beinart

“The American people remember George W. Bush. And they’re not as stupid as Rush Limbaugh tries to be.”

Andrew Sullivan

Romney’s lack of insight, even by typical Republican standards, is astounding. Outside of the business world, he doesn’t know Mitt. Hasn’t anyone briefed him on foreign affairs? He sounds like Palin tweeting drunk. With each address, each convention, each statement, each news cycle, he will continue to lose more and more support of our Independents. The New York Times recently covered this story Amid Discord, Romney Aims to Sharpen Message.

What message? There is no message beyond hate, fear, and paranoia. And when did Romney appear on the Discord? How do you keep spinning this record of yours? Sorry, but it has more dings and scratches than Michael J. Fox’s album collection. Sorry…scratch that.

And I for one do not believe this straw-man argument, this “If we could just find the right person to champion our views, every little thing would be all right.” Bullshit. There is no core to Republicana, the heart of this group—which should be the heart of American values—is way too sick, paranoid, and misinformed. What policy in the last ten years can they be proud of? And there’s every indication they’re becoming even more radicalized and even less insightful. If this Mr. Smith railed equally against the Sean Hannitys and the Rachel Maddows of the world, he or she might gain some credibility.

This delusion the Right has good ideas, but ‘there just isn’t anyone who can articulate our position’ premise is nonsense. Let’s look at their golden boy, Chris Christie. Did he show any insight during his speech at the convention? Besides backing Simpson-Bowles a year or two after I did, the answer is a resounding NO.

“Over the last 30 years, the best part of conservatism trickled down Reagan’s economy.”

—Mick Zano

I think I’ve gotten a few things right over the years, but folks like William Krystol (Weekly Standard) and Dick Morris (Fox News)…umm, not so much. I could actually just wait to hear what they think is going to happen and then guess the exact opposite. Let us all pray those two are predicting a Romney landslide, that way I won’t even have to bother voting. I don’t have an I.D. anyway. I think I left it at Maloney’s. Oh, and on that note:

Dear Mr. Obama,

I will vote for you this November if you help me smooth things over with a certain Irish pub owner, so I can get my license back. With your skills, this should be nothing compared to that Israel/Palestine thing.


Mick Zano

P.S. The bouncer was a serious asshole that night. No shit, sir.

Romney’s last 47% gaffe showed more of that All-or-Fox thinking. The base of the party was glad he called nearly half the country victims. Meanwhile, the Right’s candidates—these Foxchurian Candidates—spend like drunken sailors in the guise of fiscal conservatism and have a misguided romanticism that harkens back to the good old days, aka, the dark ages. Did you know in the U.S., circa the 1800s, a local tycoon had the local authorities load a bunch of disgruntled mine workers onto a train and dropped them off in the middle of the desert? Yeah, I can’t wait to get back to those, dah, dah, dah, dumm, glory days. Yeah, I’m ready to join Hannity’s your-papers-please America. And welcome to the seven day work week. Oh, you want safer working conditions? Get on the train, bitches.

Until the Republican Party distances itself from the Rush Limbaughs, Sean Hannitys, and the Matt Drudges of the world, they don’t have a prayer of contributing anything meaningful to the conversation. I’m not saying they’re not still popular, but so is Snooki. The Foxeteers can make the argument the liberal media has a biased view, which certainly has some validity, but Foxisms are easier to spot than Snooki at the Macy’s Day Parade. They do have a float for her now, right?

Clearly a second Obama term will be no picnic. Unemployment will remain high for years to come. It’s the new norm and I can’t even totally blame Bush on that one. Oh, and the world is fiscally falling apart faster than The Bolt on Red Bull. I predicted a double dip recession and it is still a real possibility under Obama, but it’s a guarantea-party under Romney. Keep in mind, we are recovering faster, employment wise, than just about any other country after the 2008 collapse.

Some on the Left thought we’d have a quick turnaround with Obama in office. If you recall, I didn’t. You heard what Bill Clinton said, “Not me, not any of my predecessors could have turned this economy around this quickly.” Republican hypocrisy and greed has left us irreparably damaged. I still have a fair amount of faith in our President. If anyone can restore things—or at least maintain this new slightly sucky norm of relatively high unemployment and stagnant economic growth—it’s him. Romney represents another unnecessary war and an inevitable double-dip recession that will leave us forever changed as a country. Mark my words, those who ignore my political insights do so at their own Purell!

Sorry, I’m having those hand sanitizer urges again. I should call my sponsor. Naaah. Besides it’s time for some Hannity-sanitizer. Wait!! I can’t end my article on a joke that bad! Mr. Winslow, just let me—

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.