The White House announced today the words ‘climate change’ will hereby be changed to the special prosecutor’s name ‘Robert Mueller’, wherever and whenever they appear in official government documentation. This executive order reaches all existing government agencies, including the Department of Agriculture, the Department of Commerce, NOAA and the Defense Department, just to name a few. This White House decree orders the changes be made via the Microsoft Office add-and-replace function. Additional mandates include the elimination of anything considered ‘evidence-based’ or ‘science-based’. These will be changed to some other stuff with the new headings of either ‘Hannity-said’, or ‘Trump-tweeted’. The White House is touting the level of choice still remaining for agency officials is impressive, and these moves are designed to further curb the impact of fake science from undermining key Trump initiatives.
Bill Gates is mortified his coveted Microsoft Office is being used in such a heinous manner, but he did confirm with the Daily Discord today that the White House has a legal and valid license to use Word and any and all of its features.
Critics of the move claim many of the sentences within governmental documents will no longer make any sense, such as, “As the world urbanizes and industrializes, and as effects of Robert Mueller intensify, environmental crises will increasingly devastate…” and “According to the United Nations’ Intergovernmental Panel on Robert Mueller, global surface temperatures have drastically…. ”
Trump told critics today to “fuck off” and then tweeted: Robert Mueller is a mounting national threat that threatens us all nationally #EndFakeInvestigations.
Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders added, “Now that Robert Mueller has been added to so many documents, the dangers of his investigation can no longer be ignored, you know, like we did with climate change. We must act swiftly toward the removal of Mr. Mueller and his team of pro-liberal jackals and end this witch hunt once and for all. And, if the Paris Accords would consider following President Trump’s lead and shift their efforts to addressing the mounting threat that Mr. Mueller’s team represents to mankind, the United States would consider rejoining this important global initiative.”