Washington, DC—The Grand Old Party is struggling with its own identity as they may well lose the 2012 election, despite a toxic economy not seen since their guy. They really haven’t been able to narrow down the field to that one candidate who will best bring about the rapture.

“We lost Trump, Beck, and Palin,” said radio talk show personality, Rush Limbaugh, “anyone of whom is unstable enough to meet our needs. Then came Perry, because we thought, hmmm, only a swaggering Texan could pick up where W left off.”

To the horror of the GOP, Republican candidates are imploding right and righter.

“It’s not so much their gross lack of understanding of foreign and domestic policy,” said Fox News’ Sean Hannity. “That’s part of the GOP’s charm, but they’re clearly underachieving in the ever-important ‘I-would-like-to-have-a-beer-with-you’ likability scale.”

“They’re just not BBQ friendly,” said Limbaugh. “Perry would lose track of the conversation and then probably vomit on you. Cain would immediately start to demean and grope all of your women folk and Michele Bachmann, hell, if her anti-psychotics dip below the therapeutic dosage, she’ll be grilling your pets!”

“We despise Ron Paul for being way too correct about stuff years ago,” added Hannity, “and Newt Gingrich only scores well on the ‘I-would-like-to-dump-a-beer-on-your-head’ dickishness scale. So it looks like we’re forced to go with the flip-flopping, magic underwear-wearing moderate.”