Climate Stability and Conservative Thought: What Are Two Things Not Happening

Mick Zano

News on climate change is reaching a fevered pitch. We are currently being flooded with information that both confirms and confounds the whole climate debate, pardon the pun. But let’s give Pope Francis some credit. Earlier this week His Holiness the Lib admitted climate change is primarily “man’s fault” and he’s hoping for serious measures to protect the planet at this year’s Paris conference. What next, Pope and Trade?

Doesn’t the Pope get his praying orders from Fox News? Is the Vatican a rogue agency? Shouldn’t Ruperfer now cast Francis into the abyss? Aka, let the Pope-slinging commence!

Is the Pope Colluding with Al Gore?

Is the Vatican Covering up for Climate-gate?

Benghazi: Is God to Blame?

It seems like the conservative’s spiritual leader is starting to green around the gills. Kidding, he’s always been that way. He must have been influenced by some liberal Cardinal back in seminary school. Actually, he sounds like anyone else on Earth outside the reach of our toxic AM radio waves.

I can’t wait to hear Fox News’ reaction to this one. I’m starting to watch a little Fox again. It’s an effective appetite suppressant. Ask your doctor if throwing up on your family is right for you.

Sorry about using the words ‘fact’ and ‘Fox News’ in the same sentence. It’s been a long week. Meanwhile, The Times in India just broke this kernel:

“A study said on Wednesday that sea level rise in the past two decades has accelerated faster than previously thought in a sign of climate change threatening coasts from Florida to Bangladesh.”

—Quote courtesy of Juan Cole

On this side of the pond, the New York Times just broke a story on how this year is the hottest since records started.  Of course, the Foxlands immediately countered with a Daily Caller article on how, although NOAA and Japanese climate scientist are calling 2014 the warmest, satellite data insists it’s only the 6th warmest in history. So two sources say it’s the hottest on record and one suggest it’s the sixth hottest, so…uh…

“Touché, Monsieur pussy cat.”

—Jerry Mouse

This is the hill you’re going to die on?  Really? Oh, it’s not…I’m being told they’re moving to a hill further inland due to rising sea levels.

“Sea levels aren’t rising. Hasn’t anyone considered how a bigger government could make the land somewhat lower?”

—John Q. Republican

Do I really have to keep addressing this shit? Yes…yes I do. If you haven’t noticed these people are winning elections. Oh, you want me to switch gears to discuss what we should do about climate change? Try voting next time.  Sorry, this is all part of The GOP’s Every Issue Left Behind program.

Let’s play their sick and frivolous game for a moment. What are we to make of the few remaining scientist nay sayers?  There are instances in some regions as well as some data that contradicts this bigger trend. Is this a surprise? I took earth science in the 8th grade, so …no. Scientists will be the first to admit they don’t know the entire play-by-play of our global demise. Admittedly some regions do seem to be working against models. A percentage of our glaciers are growing, but if 7 of 10 glaciers are still retreating at an alarming rate, uh…here, have a slice of pie.


2009 Glacier Growth/Shrinkage Ratio

But in their defense, what does the World Glacier Monitoring Service know about glaciers?

“Pie has to do with math, not science, right? But I’m not an iceologist.”

—John Q. Republican

Conservatives will forever be able to report on that one glacier that’s still growing. Kidding, that will end soon too. Nothing that our conservative friends are focusing on contradicts the larger trends.

You mean, the one about how they’re becoming even less insightful?

No, no, that other trend, the whole we’re all going to die thing. And, as for those few scientists still going all Bob Seger, against the wind, on us:

“Despite such arguments from a handful of scientists, the vast majority of those who study the climate say the earth is in a long-term warming trend that is profoundly threatening and caused almost entirely by human activity.”

Justin Gillis, NYT, Pope collaborator and Al Gore sympathizer

Sadly, I review these articles that supposedly support the republican position, with the sole exception of (that site makes Rush Limbaugh seem like Mr. Rogers). Yet, almost none of these articles linked from ‘The Drudge Report’ actually deny global warming—a fact that eludes our headline-reading-only friends over on Fox. These articles tend to focus on this one data point that science can’t yet explain, as if our demise is ever going to be an exact science. Give me a pause.

I love Bill Nye’s recent take down of Senator James Inhofe (R) and the rest of the bullshit brigade.

“As scientific skeptics, we are well aware of political efforts to undermine climate science by those who deny reality but do not engage in scientific research or consider evidence that their deeply held opinions are wrong. The most appropriate word to describe the behavior of those individuals is ‘denial.’”

—Bill Nye

This New York Times article Ocean Life Faces Mass Extinction, Broad Study Says is way overdue. It confirms our ocean’s demise. Of course, most of us came to this same conclusion years ago. In response to this article John Q. Republican is saying, “Broad study? What do chicks have to do with our oceans?”

Are we amidst a cooling trend that is stunting the warmer one? How do solar phases impact temperatures? What about the impact of deep ocean waters? How the hell should I know? Whereas I defer to the scientific community, they defer to I thought something was happening but did not expect to see such drastic changes in my lifetime, nor was I sure—then and now—how much man was actually impacted by man’s activity. But an evolving position is only possible when someone is capable of reason. My position here on the Discord has shifted from:

1.) Who cares, let’s focus on pollution anyway (2008).

2.) Something’s happening but is man impacting this? (2011)

3.) Full-blogged climate alarmist (2015).

During this same time period the republican position has remained, Fuck science. It’s not happening. I really thought at some point they would be forced to switch to, well, it’s happening but what does my hummer and my daily hamburger have to do with anything? That will still happen, soon enough, but it’s taking longer than anticipated. These behaviors that link both to their stomachs and their pocketbooks are deeply engrained. By the time they figure this out, cockroaches will rule the earth. Hey, maybe that’s why they’re not worried?

GOP Glacier Irony

Is this a Zano retraction? Maybe, uh…I feel like such a moraine. Sorry, it’s an earth science joke.

Meanwhile, Republicans keep saying, “screw pollution, keep drilling for oil, there’s nothing to see here.” This is a sociopathic position. As I’ve said before, even if there were only a slight chance climate change would end mankind, it should be taken seriously. Ignoring this is a crazy enough position if the chances were slim, but with current consensus over 90%, we are going to have to come up with a new word as ‘sociopathic’ doesn’t quite cut it [Winslow: Moronopathic?].

Once again, trying to change the mind of a Foxeteer is a fool’s errand.  Global consensus on the dangers of pollution levels arrived many decades ago and the consensus on climate change has come and gone as well.  To give you an idea why a debate with a Foxeteer is meaningless, take the issue of torture. The world decided that torture was a bad idea at the time of the Magna Carta (1215 AD) and we don’t have another thousand years to explain this to them. Obama chose the right message on SOTU this week. Sure you can argue over the details for the medal round, but does that change the overall warming trend?

“No challenge poses a greater threat to future generations than climate change. 2014 was the planet’s warmest year on record. Now, one year doesn’t make a trend, but this does — 14 of the 15 warmest years on record have all fallen in the first 15 years of this century.”

—Barack Obama, SOTU 2015

And now the Republican response:

“Satellite data suggests it’s only 13 of the hottest 15 on record. Liar!”


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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.