Oklahoma City, OK—One man is refusing to let fear and paranoia slip out of his life.
When Glenn Beck announced his last show on Fox News, James Stiles said, “I’m going to eat people.”
As a result of his new hobby, Mr. Stiles now spends his days in constant fear of that dreaded “cop” knock at the door. He spends his evenings madly scribbling his conspiracy theories on an old chalkboard in his basement. During the interview the board read:
9/11 = 20 = 20/20 (liberal propaganda)
= ½ of Beck’s 40 Days/40 Nights Challenge
= Obama & Arianna Huffington’s lovechild is the anti-Christ!!
“I’m not just going to let all of that angst slip away,” said Stiles. “Glenn created an elevated level of adrenaline in the systems of real Americans for some purpose, so maintaining that baseline level of misguided hyper-vigilance is crucial to our cause.”
When it was pointed out how adrenaline negatively impacts higher functioning in the brain, Stiles randomly recited Drudge headlines, while sharpening a butcher knife. Mr. Stiles believes cannibalism is keeping him scared shitless, and it also cuts down on his grocery bills. He reports eating only liberals and progressives and babies, but one day he hopes to devour George Soros’ liver with some farva beans and a dry Chianti.
“I’m doing this for real America and I’m doing this for Glenn. I know he, of all people, would understand,” said Stiles.