Barely Legal South Korea—Over one hundred former army nurses stationed at the 4077th M*A*S*H unit have filed class action lawsuits against now 93-year-old Dr. Benjamin Franklin ‘Hawkeye’ Pierce. All of the incidents occurred during the Korean War and the charges range from creating a hostile work environment, to inappropriate jokes, to outright assaults. Dr. Pierce is denying the allegations despite a mountain of video evidence that aired on CBS between 1972 and 1983. Thelma Johnson a 92-year old survivor of the series is accusing the surgeon of making frequent suggestive and lude comments that made her feel uncomfortable. Johnson told the Discord today, “Hawkeye once …well, just watch the episode that I’m in. He was always crossing lines, and not just of the 38th-parallel-north variety. He once considered a penis transplant just for the physical therapy. Freak!” #M*A*S*H*Too
Dr. Pierce, who outright admitted on his draft paperwork that his favorite pastimes were heavy-petting and naked volleyball, spent much of the war either sewing his patients or his wild oats. The embattled surgeon did make a formal statement to the press today, “I am a doctor, so therefore when I play doctor it’s not really playing, it’s all in the line of booty. I enjoy Shenanigans, and not just the Irish pub of the same name.”
Dr. Pierce later told the Discord, “I flirt therefore I am. My personality test showed I’m a just bit extraflirted, is all. If I were an actor I’d be Flirt Reynolds, if I were an article of clothing I’d be a polo flirt, if I were on Sesame Street I’d be hanging with Flirt & Ernie. But calling me a perflirt is really disconflirting to me. Frankenly, there must be a movement to Save the Flirt. Every human interaction is not a felony, because any and all social interactions seem to be going the way of the flirtopotamus, or the blue-ringed flirtopus. One in five meet their soul mate at work, so let’s play Cupid, not stupid. There’s a fine line between a Safe Space and a drab one. The truth flirts, doesn’t it? The #MeToo movement can effectively reduce victimization for the next generation, or it can be subflirted by Antifa-minded Misscreants. Let’s not let this phenomenon become another snowflake, millennial reach-around *cough* overreach. There is such a thing as harmless flirting …well, not the way I do it.”
*Original concept sent in by Discord great, Pokey McDooris. Penis transplant joke courtesy of Flagstaff comedian Nurse John. Yep, I had help on this one, about F-in time. Ha!
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